"casual" relationships?

[sallygirl]

I've somehow become involved in a sexual relationship with a man who's a bit older and a lot more experienced than myself. We live in nearby cities and see each other as often as we can, say every two or three weeks. It's understood that it's a casual thing - we're just having fun, no strings attached. I thought I would be fine with that. But it's been going on for a few months now, and I'm afraid I might be in over my head.

So I'm wondering, what are the rules for a "casual" relationship? Is it naive of me that I can't separate my emotions from sex? Is it overstepping the bounds to expect a phone conversation once in awhile?

 

[Guest]

Is it naive of me that I can't separate my emotions from sex?

Yes, and no. Believe me, I've been there MANY times. For me, I have no trouble separating my emotions at first... then things change. Be careful, follow your heart. If you think you've gotten to a point that you want more than casual sex, try talking to this man. If that's not possible, start the path of searching for a new man? Above all, be careful and take care of you!!

Love,
Tiggs
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

[Edited by Tiggs on 07-28-2000 at 01:08 AM]

 

[Monaco]

Is it just me, or does the "casual" part tend to lose out to the "relationship" in the long run? Seems like all too often, one of the parties involved falls in and uses the "fuck-friend" status as an imperfect alternative to an "actual relationship". That, naturally, leads to nothing but heartbreak. Of course, it's also how I got together with my girlfriend... We both grew into each other. But that's another story altogether (check out my "The pull towards adultery" post for more on that mess)... my advice is tinged with Tiggs': Talk, but also listen. Very carefully. Chances are, he's going to want to keep you around, even if he isn't feeling anything close to what you are. Be weary of manipulation, and if you think you're alone in wanting more, do yourself a favor: Move on now, before it really hurts.

-M-

 

[Weird Harold]

We live in nearby cities and see each other as often as we can, say every two or three weeks. It's understood that it's a casual thing - we're just having fun, no strings attached.

This doesn't sound very "casual" to me. It sounds more like an "affair." I don't think that anything requiring the planning and coordination that an affair in two cities does, can be called casual by any stretch of the definition.

I'm sure that there is more to the relationship on both sides than casual sex. You need to explore the boundaries of his involvement, and if it doesn't match yours then you should cut your losses.

There are no rules for relationships. You have to define them as you go along.

 

[Jeff726]

I myself develop emotional feelings easily, even at the slightest hint of a friendship. In the past every girl I used to cyber with I started to fall for and I was always getting hurt and that is why I almost never cyber again at all. And also in turn I feel I am uncapable of anything that is only of a casual nature. I don't think I could honestly be able to seperate emotional feelings from physical feelings. I think I am just too hell-bent on romance. Not that it's bad or anything, but for me casual sex is basically impossible.


Jeff

[Edited by Jeff726 on 07-28-2000 at 03:28 AM]

 

[Cheyenne]

You're normal

Been there, done that. I believe for women there is no such thing as casual sex, even if that's your intent starting out. If it is more than a one night stand, you're in a relationship of some kind whether you define it that way in your head or not. And your heart doesn't care what your head says.

 

[teresafannin]

I agree with Cheyenne. I know very few women who have been able to have a casual sexual affair. I tried when I was younger & was hurt many times by wanting to be more involved than the guy wanted, in my case, I am a major romantic & was hugely dependant on men for a good sense of esteem. I abstained for several years to prevent being hurt & discovered that I could take control of my life. I would recommend having a serious talk with this man, see how he feels & if he is in it strictly for the sex, get out before it goes any further. Good Luck.

 

[sallygirl]

Thanks all of you for responding so thoughtfully. You're so nice!

I believe for women there is no such thing as casual sex, even if that's your intent starting out.

Do you really think it's different for women than for men? Generally speaking, of course, Jeff. It just seems natural that feelings develop as you spend more time together, share more intimacies, etc. etc.

This guy is sending me such mixed signals. He seems to adore me when we're together, then forget about me when we're not. And I end up feeling foolish because I can't do that, dammit!

 

[sallygirl]

ooops

That quote I used was from Cheyenne's post. (I'm new here, in case ya couldn't tell. lol) I followed the directions in the vB code section. How do you make it look the way your quotes look with the "originally posted by" line?

 

[Beebeeblue]

I once had a friend that I kept it 'casual' with. We had an understanding from the start, that it was all about the sex. And what sex it was. (wiping sweat from brow)... anyway.

Now, when he sees me he always brings up the fact that he should've never let me get away, because we got along so good. There may have been a point for me where I would've considered a realtionship with him...but to me he was just my friend. We got together and talked about what was going on in our other relationships(if we were seeing someone) and life in general. Yet, the line had been made, and neither of us made an attempt to step over it. It can be done. But if you are starting to feel differently, you need to approach him about it. If nothing else, you can still have a friend.

 

[Sammyjo]

Here's my story in all it's glory...hell, I'm a major poet today...woo-hoo

I met this guy online a few years ago. It all started innocently enough...we chatted for a few weeks constantly. Then, it got to telephone calls. We talked about everything. Life, love, sex...you name it. It was great. Then, we started talking about fantasies and fetishes...one thing led to another, and I was solemnly vowed to be "his slut" for life. This may seem odd to some, but others can relate. It was shortly after that, that I became engaged to another man. I kept them a secret from each other. (uh-oh...sammy's little secret is revealed)

One day, I broke down and told my Master about my future husband. He was furious that I didn't mention this before. Then, he told me that he felt more for me than he let on. He told me he was falling in love with me. YIKES!!! What I thought was a casual fling that may never be, was turning into something that I wasn't ready for. We talked about it, and decided that we should actually meet and see what would happen.

Meanwhile, my engagement broke up, due to many, many problems, none of which was this other guy.

I hopped a plane and headed for Toronto. Yes, this is the same guy I have talked about in the past. When I got off that plane, my life changed. Lord, did it change. I think it took me all of 2 seconds to realize that this was the person I wanted...good thing the other relationship was now defunct. Anyone who knows me would never guess in a million years that I would choose this guy over the other. I wouldn't have thought so either...but it happened. I love him with all my heart. I think I knew that right away.

Now, I don't know his exact feelings for me at this present moment. I say this because...neither of us is willing to move our lives to be with the other one. He says he cares about me, that he doesn't want me to leave him, that he can't live without me in his life, etc. We love each other...this I know...because if we didn't, we could not be friends and lovers from this distance. I do know that we will never be a full-time thing. This, to me, sucks beyond belief. I choose not to dwell on it any longer. I will live in the now. I will cherish all the time I CAN spend with him, so that when we are apart I can think on the good times.

What does this all mean? This means that...sometimes, though we don't go looking for more, we find it. Sometimes we find it and can not act on it. Sometimes we find it, and it lasts forever.

Someday, I will have my "forever-guy"...and when I find him, this other guy will be a thing of the past. Sounds harsh? maybe...will it be hard to cut him out? yes, definitely...can I do it? you bet. BUT, this guy has readied me for my forever guy...he's helped me in so many ways. I will never forget him...but I can be without him if I so desire.

OMG!!! What was the question? heehee
Too much info...sorry for the rambling...and the insight into my psyche.

Hope it all works out for you.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Lay Down Sally

Originally posted by sallygirl Is it overstepping the bounds to expect a phone conversation once in awhile?

Sally ... dear .. this guy is fucking you and he doesn't phone you?????? this does not sound good.

and i too agree with Cheyenne .. i think also for a woman if she sleeps with a guy more than a couple of times, emotions always get involved .. i can't speak for what men feel lol but i think a lot of them do not feel that way .. they can continue having sex without emotions .. at least i can honestly say i have seen that trait in some men.

i know how difficult it is to give up hot sex .. it is heartbreaking almost .. but the guy is not phoning you to see you how you are ... after fucking you for a few months???? .... i would lose him.

There are others out there who can bring you to even higher orgasms than him and who will commit emotionally as well. You have so much hot sex ahead of you lol.

ummmm sammy .. i can relate to what you have said .. a Toronto lad you say, eh? i hope he stays in your life dear no matter what happens in your future ..

 

[Patryn]

I was in only one truely friendly sexual relationship where there were no romantic feelings on either part. It was a friend that I had worked with, and we had always flirted and "played around", though never to actually get down to it and make out (god that sounded so high school...guess that Jr. High thread got to me).

One night we finally decided curiosity was killing us and we should finally find out what the other was like and get it out of our systems. Well, it felt so good that we got it out of our systems for about 6 months.

We were still very close as friends, and nothing changed in our relationship aside from the fact that we were having sex. We felt that since we trusted each other and felt so comfortable around each other, that it was the right thing for us at the time. I still feel that this relationship was one of THE most positive things in my life. I have no regrets or bad feelings about it. In fact, though the man in question has moved and found a girlfriend, and I've had relationships since, we still see each other a few times a year when we can, though we don't have anything physical anymore aside from a friendly hug.

As for you, tell the guy what you want, feel and expect. Communication is the key in ANY relationship, whether it's casual, friendly, or serious. I know it sounds cliche, but it gets repeated so many times because it works. Best of luck.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: ooops

That quote I used was from Cheyenne's post. (I'm new here, in case ya couldn't tell. lol) I followed the directions in the vB code section. How do you make it look the way your quotes look with the "originally posted by" line?

At the bottom of each post there is an icon for "repliy with quotes" which imports the text of the post you are replying to into your post. Check out the commands in square brackets to see how the "Originally posted by sallygirl" is done.

 

[sallygirl]

testing

At the bottom of each post there is an icon for "repliy with quotes" which imports the text of the post you are replying to into your post. Check out the commands in square brackets to see how the "Originally posted by sallygirl" is done.

Like this?

 

[sallygirl]

Here I am, aspiring to work in the communications industry, yet when it comes to relationships I am horrible at saying what's on my mind. I avoid conversations that might be difficult and back down from confrontations before they even begin. I realize this is a BIG PROBLEM and something I have to work on immediately, but there it is.

As for the lack of phone calls in this "relationship" of mine, it's frustrating the hell out of me. When I did gripe about it, he seemed surprised it was bothering me so much and promised to do better - but he hasn't. I'm probably just being a big dope and falling for his line and drawn in by the sex, which is amazing (in my not-so-experienced opinion).

I'm trying to figure out if I can accept it for what it is and simply enjoy it, or if it's just going to get me badly hurt. He's such a great guy, unlike anyone else I know.

Ya know?

 

[Sammyjo]

That is the hardest part...trying to decide if you can handle things no matter which way they go. Since he isn't someone you see ALL the time, and what with the lack of phone calling...it leads ya to believe something else is going on...ask him...he'll lie...you'll catch him in it...he'll apologize...and then you have to decide if you can trust him again. OR...he'll be truthful, and then you have to decide.

I sat around for 6 months while another guy told me he was suffering from "depression" turns out he was carrying on Lord knows how many relationships, and he just didn't have time for me. Had I known THAT, I'd have just gone on my merry way...yes, I should have anyways...it was 6 MONTHS. But I thought I was helping him through it. I thought I was doing him a favor by being his friend. I don't feel cheated or anything...I just feel like he could have said something. I wouldn't have cared, and I asked him on numerous occasions if he was seeing anyone else, and he kept insisting he wasn't.

Your instincts are usually right. If you feel like you can not continue without developing feelings...then don't. Do not put yourself through the pain. If you think you can deal with anything that comes to you...by all means...go for it!! Just be happy!

 

[Naked Hunny]

see that lil light sweetie it means think

im sorry but ive been in casual relationships and they always called. sounds to me like you may not only be a bed buddy but a mistress dont mess up an innocent persons life as well as your own by continueing the relationship

 

[sallygirl]

yikes

A mistress! Hunny, thanks for the warning, but I don't think so. I've been to his place several times. There's no sign of that. And Sammy, he probably is seeing other people. That's fine, as long as he's not neglecting me. I thought that's part of what "casual" means - no committment. He's free to fuck whoever he wants, and so am I. Except there's nobody else for me right now. *shrug*

Oh boy, listen to me. If I'm headed for heartache, might as well go full steam ahead, eh? LOL

 

[Ezzie]

I think Tiggs will agree with me when I give my opinion of the situation.

I had a friend of mine invite one of her male friends over to have some drinks and laughs with us. Well, I won't go into details but we ended up having sex. Now I'm 6 weeks pregnant with his child and I'm lucky if he calls once a week to see how I'm doing.

I don't know if it's my hormones going crazy or if I'm just that stupid but I think part of me loves my "Casual sex" partner and I don't know how to deal with it. What started out as a fuck buddy/possible friendship has turned into me crying when he doesn't call or come by or breaks promises to me. I think it's risky to have a casual sex relationship with someone but I'm not knocking anyone who does it, I just think that I'd better be careful from this point on because no matter what I say, my heart has more say so in things than my head and that's not always good.

Anyway, I think if a woman can have a relationship that's based on casual sex only, that's great. Just hope that they don't end up with a broken heart and swollen belly like me.

 

[CreamyLady]

In my own experience, "casual" means no repeats. No phone numbers, no souvenirs, nothing beyond casual talk and a one night stand.

Clearly, this relationship means more to you than it does to him, and that isn't casual.

I have no doubt that you could find another lover. It sounds as if you are ready for a committed relationship, but are addicted to the one you have and trying to fit yourself into the existing parameters.

This is so much easier said than done, but don't be so available, and actively find other things to do. Think hard about what you really want, and go for it. However great this guy is in the sack, I really am sensing that you want so much more, and he just won't fill the bill.

 

[Unclebill]

Naive? No, it's Nature.

... Is it naive of me that I can't separate my emotions from sex? ...

sallygirl, it's not naivete. It's much more common in the feminine psyche to closely enmesh love and sex, much more so than in the male psyche.

A casual relationship involving sex is generally much more typically masculine. While I tend to be more like Jeff726 though not quite so prone to become emotionally involved.

For me, sex is not likely unless I sense something of a relationship there first. I have found that for myself, sex is not nearly so satisfying when it tends to be more clinical, i. e., without some level of emotional involvement (prostitutes would never make a living off guys like me).

Essentially it sounds as though you're like the great majority of women in that a casual sexual relationship for you is not satisfying, fulfilling or easy to maintain. While you may well enjoy the sex, you miss the other things that a relationship make. Your subconscious wants those things no matter what you conscious mind is saying.

 

[sallygirl]

Ya know, I've been reading stories on Literotica for months but only very recently ventured onto the bulletin boards. What took me so long? You guys are great!
It's so nice to be able to share experiences, give and receive advice, be reassured that you're normal, lol.

Basically, you're all telling me what I know deep down inside but don't want to admit - this is not a good thing for me.

Ezzie, I can only imagine how difficult that must be. *hugs* Hope things turn out ok for you.

 

[Sammyjo]

Ezzie...I know how you feel

*hugs*

Good Luck to you

 

[Ezzie]

Thank you Sally and Sammyjo.

I'm sure things will be just fine but I have to adjust to all the changes first. Your words of encouragment are greatly appreciated though.