can or should a Dom/me or Top have a safeword?

[WriterDom]

This was asked at another site. My initial reaction was what in the world for? But I was surprised at the number of people that thought they should have a safe word. And a few that had used one before.

any thoughts?

 

[James G 5]

This was asked at another site. My initial reaction was what in the world for? But I was surprised at the number of people that thought they should have a safe word. And a few that had used one before.

any thoughts?

In "The Topping Book", Hardy & Easton talk about how, people being merely human, anyone can have moments of fear, doubt, inadequacy, what have you
They mention Tops needing to be able to step outside BEING a Top to be human, and how a bottom needs to recognize and nurture this....heck, I know there're days when I just want someone to hold me & not ask questions or "serve" me or expect orders from me
So in a relationship situation, the Top having a word in place that indicates he is out of role could be very handy
In a scene it could be useful as well, if they Top needs a halt for physical reasons or has a concern or what have you
Bottoms here have talked about not WANTING to use a safeword, because they don't want the feelings to stop, are worried the Top would be pissed, etc etc
If a Top has a safeword, he can call a "Time Out" that's CLEARLY split from the scene and maybe give the bottom the feeling of freedom needed to rationally think about something or speak out without concern.

Just a few ideas

 

[InnerDarkness]

I would imagine that while there would be little actual use for the safe word from the Dom/Top...it could come in very handy as James mentioned...to be able to have a signal that provides an instant "break in the action" would be helpful to the Top I am sure...

In my D/s relationship, we both rely on the same word...if it is uttered by either one of us, then it would be a clue that something is amiss...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm thinking that there may need to be a word for a Dom to stop a scene for his reasons...but when you have a good link with your partner, safewords become almost irrelevant.

 

[BlueSugar]

I know all the book words for safewords, and all the semi boring "red, pause, time out" but completly healthy and useful. But in your time, some one elses, or just something you've heard... anyone have any weird out of place safe words... like poodle (a fav from the book Choke by chuck palaniuk) ?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Being in charge, I do stop anything at any time for any reason.

I do not need a safeword, I am wielding the whip not my sub.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Being in charge, I do stop anything at any time for any reason.

I do not need a safeword, I am wielding the whip not my sub.

Hmm....I wonder. Can you stop because YOU feel like it?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

*snip* anyone have any weird out of place safe words... like poodle (a fav from the book Choke by chuck palaniuk) ?

No, but can you lend me your copy?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hmm....I wonder. Can you stop because YOU feel like it?

Of course! Who is gonna stop Me?

I do things at My own timetable.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Of course! Who is gonna stop Me?

I do things at My own timetable.

Just clarifying...I knew you do what you wanna...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Just clarifying...I knew you do what you wanna...

I think it is important to maintain flexibility of approach. And sometimes I just like to stop and do something else. Meanwhile my sub is wondering

a) did he do something wrong
b) did he do something right
c) am I finished (whupping, fucking) his ass
d) is there more on the way
e) is there less on the way
d) what will I think of next

Anticipation mixed with apprehension.

It's good to be the Queen!

 

[Quint]

I think it's always a good idea to be prepared for all eventualities. Whether that preparation need be in the form of a safeword is optional, but I think it is much like the ritual of submisives having a safeword, when like many have said, with good communication no safeword is necessary. There have been a couple of times when T planned to do something and it just went awry; I was unaware of what was going on with him and he was reluctant to stop once he had committed himself. I think if we had established how legitimate a safeword for him is beforehand, he could have gotten out of that situation without feeling depressed about not following through.

He also has a code word for the end of a scene, especially one that involves roleplaying, to let me know we're back to "default." While this isn't intended for use in emergencies, it certainly is parallel to "red," which ends the scene immediately.

So I guess I could have just said "Never hurts to cover your ass" and left it at that. o)

 

[BlueSugar]

No, but can you lend me your copy?

I actually have 2, but one is autographed Its a good read, along with all his other books, I read them all in a week and a half.

Fight Club- halfway true story btw.
Choke
Survivor
Lullaby
Invisiable Monsters

 

[Mr Blonde]

I typically have a word or phrase to signal the end of the scene. And I always just say that XYZ is the safeword, not whether it is her safeword or mine.

I agree that the dominant is in control of the scene, and if there are difficulties, the scene can just be modified or brought to a suitable conclusion. But what about these two scenarios?

1. I injured my elbow. There was a thunderous crack/pop and it was obvious something was wrong. Besides me screaming "argggggggghhhhhhhh!", nothing really needed to be said.

2. I drew blood which through our discussions would require the safeword. She was oblivious so after a few seconds I used it for her.

 

[lark sparrow]

Sure, if a Dominant and/or submissive want a safeword they should have it. I generally like safewords with unfamiliar people and playing (though I have never actually used them when I have had them).

If a Dominant had a safeword it wouldn't bother me at all - I would just want to know what I was supposed to do or say if they called their safeword? They're in charge. It's kind of hard to do anything if one is bound, so as long as calling their safeword doesn't mean they are no longer responsible, I'm okay with their choice to have a it.

Mistress and I don't use safewords - what we say is what we mean - no need for speaking in code, though this wouldn't work for some forms of 'forced' roleplaying or when a partner is restricted in speech, such as with a gag.

 

[LisaFunOne1]

~ snip ~
2. I drew blood which through our discussions would require the safeword. She was oblivious so after a few seconds I used it for her.

im torn betwee saying hey, now theres a good Dom..... and saying hey, what if she didnt want it to stop?


Dom/mes using safewords.... why not? better safe than sorry... tho i cant understand why one would be needed.

 

[Etoile]

I'm thinking that there may need to be a word for a Dom to stop a scene for his reasons...but when you have a good link with your partner, safewords become almost irrelevant.

I agree with you, even if I don't understand why. Daddy and I have never used a safeword. Rational parts of my brain think they're a good idea, but in practice we've never negotiated such a thing.

 

[serijules]

You know, I was reading this thread and thinking of quite a few situations I've been in where the top stopped the play for various reasons (they were not feeling well, were not comfortable with my limits, drew blood). Each time, although the standard safeword for EVERYONE at these particular gatherings is the stoplight method, and all the times that I have had to safeword out of a scene...I've never actually used the agreed apon safeword nor has my top. Simple communication worked wonders.

Now, that being said, I am a big supporter of safewords. I think they are a necessary thing and should be at least discussed to some extent by anyone that is involved in BDSM. However, in my own experiences, communication has worked so much better. In fact, the only time I really DID use a safeword (or safeaction rather) my dom at the time ignored it. Other times I have just told my partner 'hey, thats too much for me', or 'I'm nearing my limits, lets slow down', or whatnot. My tops, when "safewording" out of a scene, have said, I feel sick, Im not comfortable continuing this, etc. The actual safeword has never been used. It actually works much better this way I think, because you don't mis-interpret the reasons or end a scene prematurely based on a single word.

So, I think that tops (and bottoms) "safeword" a lot more often than we realize, it's just convieniently disguised as plain old communication...which works very very well.

If it aint broke....

 

[InnerDarkness]

I think in a good relationship or in a situation where good rapport and communication has been built into the relationship, safe words DO become less important, but I always still have mine tucked away. I have never had to use it, and am pretty confident I will never have to unless the time comes that I truly can not make my intentions known in other ways.

I would much prefer telling it like it is, asking to slow down, etc....and I am lucky because I know my partner knows me well enough that He will understand my needs at that point...and then...well...if he doesn't...then out comes the safe word! But we both have a word we can each instantly utter and everything will stop.

 

[James G 5]

If a Dominant had a safeword it wouldn't bother me at all - I would just want to know what I was supposed to do or say if they called their safeword? They're in charge. It's kind of hard to do anything if one is bound, so as long as calling their safeword doesn't mean they are no longer responsible, I'm okay with their choice to have a it.

Like I said in my earlier post, this for me is more about MENTAL safewording in either a 24/7 situation or a role-playing scene
Something to signal a specific MENTAL break for the Top
I'm just not the man EbonyFire is p), sometimes I need to be able to NOT be Mr In Charge
And if you're with someone who's used to you being that person, you might need a specific way to let them know you're not up to it & need some nurtuing or a mental health break
I could see it in a scene, but I think there're better ways to handle it then

 

[lark sparrow]

Like I said in my earlier post, this for me is more about MENTAL safewording in either a 24/7 situation or a role-playing scene
Something to signal a specific MENTAL break for the Top
I'm just not the man EbonyFire is p), sometimes I need to be able to NOT be Mr In Charge
And if you're with someone who's used to you being that person, you might need a specific way to let them know you're not up to it & need some nurtuing or a mental health break
I could see it in a scene, but I think there're better ways to handle it then

Yes, if safewords are a big theme in the relationship I can see the use. If Mistress needs nurturing or a mental health break She can simply tell me rather than calling out a safeword. We are both recognized as human, which makes Her no less my Dominant. I understand what you are saying, but we don't use safewords, and we don't really roleplay. If you call your safeword you're probably going to have to talk about it anyhow... but whatever is easier for the people involved. It's just our approach to our D/s relationship. I don't think either way is necessarily a 'should'.

 

[James G 5]

Yes, if safewords are a big theme in the relationship I can see the use. If Mistress needs nurturing or a mental health break She can simply tell me rather than calling out a safeword. We are both recognized as human, which makes Her no less my Dominant. I understand what you are saying, but we don't use safewords, and we don't really roleplay. If you call your safeword you're probably going to have to talk about it anyhow... but whatever is easier for the people involved. It's just our approach to our D/s relationship. I don't think either way is necessarily a 'should'.

I never said everyone needed them
I was expressing why some might

 

[lark sparrow]

I never said everyone needed them
I was expressing why some might

Yes, I can see it used as a method of transition and support anyone's right to have a safeword.... the rest was simply a personal view.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Sometimes people agree not to use safewords. Sometimes people feel safewords are unnecessary. We already know all of that! lol

This thread is about whether dominants would/should ever need a safeword! For example, under what conditions....? What scenarios....?

It is an interesting question that stands on its own merits.

Let me explain something else about myself. I listen to cues while things are happening, but I learned early in life not to ask for feedback right after sex (or BDSM stuff). "Hey baby, did I get you off?" lol You know, that's not the time to get a sincere response.

The helpful and productive communication happens the next morning or in a different environment. So that's why one might use signals and words during the event. Wait until you get out of the heat of the moment to have open discussion.

Just my own thoughts....

 

[Justina123]

I thought Quint had a great point up above, something I hadn't thought of before- that when you are role playing, it is an excellent idea to have some kind of safeword for both players to indicate the end of a scene.

I have a safeword for regular play as a backup, though I don't recall ever using it. Sir and I both agree it's a good idea because, although by this time he knows me and reads me quite well, I do nevertheless have this annoying habit of saying "no" or "stop" during intense pain play when I don't REALLY mean it. That can be confusing to say the least- we have had to warn dungeon monitors about this at times to avoid having them think they need to step in!

But the only time I can think of a Dominant needed a special word would be, as Quint suggested, during a role play scene to indicate it's over or time out.

- justina