Bulwer-Lytton contest for Lit?

[oggbashan]

Bulwer-Lytton is famous for the worst opening sentence in literature "It was a dark and stormy night ..."

The Bulwer-Lytton contest has been running since the 1980s to write the worst opening sentence of a novel - but they are not Literotica material.

What would be your idea of the worst opening sentence for a Literotica story?

Here's an attempt to give you the idea:

"Dirk thrust his 12incher deep into Marjorie's anus as she gulped his twin brother's boner and rode her sister's dildo while her sister turned the vibrator to maximum to start another day in the life of a short-order cook in a well known burger chain."

Bulwer-Lytton didn't like ending his sentences too soon.

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Website for B-L

As mentioned by Rumple Foreskin in another thread, the website for the Bulwer-Lytton contest is:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

There are some wonderful sentences in their competitions.

Og

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Og, I think it's important to establish the rules for this kind of contest.

"Worst opening sentence" can be interpreted several ways. Most implausible, most hackneyed, most likely to induce cringing, etc. In some ways, I would think the ideal "worst" opening line would be one which could turn away any Lit reader immediately. It would evoke the same response from every single person on earth: "Wow, that's just fucking awful." The interesting thing about this response is that it's always in English.

Hoping for clarification,
~s

 

[oggbashan]

Worst what?

The examples on the Bulwer-Lytton site demonstrate far better than I can but:

The sentence should deter anyone from reading the next sentence and certainly not the story.

In English because B-L wrote in English. Amazingly he made money from his writing and in his day was nearly as successful as Dickens. Readers had stamina in his time.

Og.

 

[Croctden]

The sentence should deter anyone from reading the next sentence

"My one inch penis spurted a drop, finishing me for the night."

 

[MathGirl]

Re: The sentence should deter anyone from reading the next sentence

"My one inch penis spurted a drop, finishing me for the night."

Well done, Croc
MG

Ps. I kiked down the dor and camed in her fase.

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Lit-specific worst opening sentence

If you like the following story, please be sure to vote it a "5" so I can stay at the top of the category list, otherwise please don't vote.

 

[MathGirl]

B-L

People have been making fun of it for a long time, and I agree that it isn't the greatest opening line in literature. What, though, pray tell, is actually wrong with, "It was a dark and stormy night?"

I just don't see anything so terribly awful about it.

Would someone whose more literary than me please explain.

Call me Ishmael, but don't call her Sven,
MG

 

[Charlus]

Worst sentence

I don't remember the sentence, but the author constantly switched from using "cunt" and "female treasures" throughout the story.

Surely "female treasures" has some place in most boner-softening slang term I have ever come across.

Apart from the occasionally hideous slang, the story was quite fun to read.

 

[Octavian]

A late entrant for the B-L contest

Opening the dusty tome, she searched the section ‘weight and measures’ and sought out the clause relating to ‘margarine, labelling of’, knowing that if it confirmed her belief, the grocer who had sold her this, as a substitute lube, in a half pound pack instead of two hundred and fifty grammes would be for the high jump, the Treaty of Rome, to which all members of the European community subscribed, expressly forbidding the sale of animal fat products in any weight other than those of the metric system, this being the common system of all the member states with the exception of Britain and Ireland although both countries were somewhat belatedly switching from the traditional imperial system, except for the dispensation of beer because that is dispensed in pints rather than centilitres and in order not to alienate the workers a dispensation was allowed allowing this dispensation.

Octavian

 

[MathGirl]

Wow!

Dear Oct,
More, More! That's fascinating!'
MG

 

[Octavian]

hope is dashed!

Oh, MG

Given your comments, how can I be a serious contender for the
B-L awards?

If only you had said, "Less, Less. That is extremely boring!"

Octavian

 

[MathGirl]

Re: hope is dashed!

Given your comments, how can I be a serious contender for the
B-L awards?

Dear Oct,
You must remember, things that appeal to me do not necessarily attract the vast majority of people.
MG

Ps. Nobody has responded to my question, so I'll repeat it:

What the hell is to terrible about, "It was a dark & stormy night."

If the night was dark & stormy, it seems like a reasonable thing to say.

Pps. I'll bet PrinceJonny would have an answer. Sigh.......

 

[DurtGurl]

Dear Oct,
You must remember, things that appeal to me do not necessarily attract the vast majority of people.
MG

Ps. Nobody has responded to my question, so I'll repeat it:

What the hell is to terrible about, "It was a dark & stormy night."

If the night was dark & stormy, it seems like a reasonable thing to say.

Dear MathGirl,
Why do you have to raise questions like that? Most people on here know far more about than you do about writing and literature, so why don't you just shut your pie hole? Better yet, go piss up a rope! What a bitch!
DG
Ps. Your on my ignore list from now on sister.

 

[oggbashan]

He didn't leave it alone ...

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

That is the answer to MathGirl's question. Bulwer-Lytton didn't leave anything to chance and had trouble ending his sentences.

Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I popped over to France to sample the local produce and ogle the women.

Oct's contribution is wholly in the B-L spirit and is worthy of submitting to the real contest on

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com

Og

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Dark and Stormy Night

MG,

Actually, there's nothing wrong with "It was a dark and stormy night..." as an opening sentence, except that it has come to stand for all the hackneyed, cliche-ridden prose ever written.

It's the same as "So a guy goes into a bar..." or "A guy goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me...' " on dirty jokes.

---dr. (I gotta help ya) M.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: He didn't leave it alone ...

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Dear Og,
Once again you have the definitive answer. I never saw the entire sentence, paragraph, or whatever the hell that is. Yes, I agree. That's awful. It's almost like something DurtGurl might write because it's overblown, repetitive, says the same thing several times, and is redundant also, too.

B-L is like the guy who wrote "banananana." He knew how to start the word, but he didn't know when to stop.

Thanks also to Dr M for putting it in perspective.

MG

 

[MathGirl]

Oops

 

[DurtGurl]

Hay, you!

That's awful. It's almost like something DurtGurl might write because it's overblown, repetitive, says the same thing several times, and is redundant also, too.

Dear MG,
Are you casting dispersions on my writing? You better button you're lip before I come over there and scratch you bald.

I feel that my stories speak to the very sole of mankind and not very few women also but not really to kids because their mostly under 8teen and are too young to read this stuff in addition to being under age also, too.
DG

 

[MathGirl]

I popped over to....... Nevada?

Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I popped over to France to sample the local produce and ogle the women.

It must be nice to live somewhere and be able to "pop over" to someplace interesting. It's impossible where I live. The nearest foreign country is Mexico, and it's not at all interesting in addition to being absolutely wall to wall with Mexicans.

Going north is Oregon, which is not foreign. It's very green and boring, though.

West is mainly wet for a long, long ways.

MG

I'm going to make up for this soon, though. Around the world in 60 days. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

 

[oggbashan]

France is full of ...

It cost twenty pounds to take a car and two people to France for the day. If I wanted to go as a foot passenger and get a free bus ride to the centre of Calais it costs one pound for the return trip.

In Calais I can buy good wine, cheese and bread. If I take a corkscrew lunch is fixed for the cost of a pre-prepared and plastic packed sandwich in the UK.

I can eat good French food in any number of restaurants. I can speak French to the locals in their cigarette smoke-filled bars. French cigarettes go with garlic. One cigarette in a bar covers the smell of several kilos of garlic. Nothing conceals the smell of the local cheese speciality. Their goat cheese smells like long dead goat and can be detected about a mile away. It is not recommended to put their cheese inside a car. Even the roof rack can be too close.

In Calais there is a group statue by Rodin and several maquettes by him in the museum. The museum's speciality is lace and its uses on clothing. I get an invitation from the Mayor of Calais to the opening of each new temporary exhibition because I have given the museum some antique books about lace-making. I missed one opening and I am still kicking myself. The exhibition was "Lace in the Twentieth Century". The emphasis was lace on underwear. The entrance to the gallery was decorated by a bra with six foot diameter cups. But what I missed was the opening ceremony for the VIPs. The local dance academy demonstrated gymnastic dance wearing the exhibits. It was nothing like Morris Dancing.

The exhibition that the public saw was less exciting with the exhibits on plastic mannequins.

Apart from the food, the wine and the culture, there are miles of sandy beaches with very few people on them except during the school summer holidays.

It makes a pleasant break for one pound return. Parking the car in England while I'm in France costs more.

I'll go back to France later this month. I need some more red wine. Reasonable wine can be cheaper than Coca-Cola.

Og.

 

[MathGirl]

Ferrin parts

Dear Og,
I'm jealous. A comparable trip from here would get me to ... ummm ... Sacramento, a place best avoided if possible. Of course I have San Francisco, but even that gets mundane after a while.

I just picked up Ray Bradbury's new novel. Guess what the first sentence is. Give up? "It was a dark and stormy night."

"The wind howled. The storm crackled on the mountains. Lightning prodded the crags like an old man trying to get an elusive blackberry pip out of his false teeth." Terry Pratchett

MG

 

[oggbashan]

One last thing about France

The French pride themselves on their culture and their savoir-faire. What is more impressive is their contempt for Political Correctness, European Regulations they don't like, and lawyers.

Little French Girls go to after-school classes to learn how to dress, to use make-up, to learn deportment and style. It shows even in small towns. A Frenchwoman dresses to enhance herself not to follow fashion.

Smoking is banned in bars where they serve food. You would never know as you fight your way through the dense clouds.

In the UK we have signs on lakes and ponds - "Beware Deep Water"; signs on top of cliffs "Danger of falling". If you walk round a castle's wall here there will be railings. Not in France. The lakes and ponds are unsigned, the cliffs are bare, and the castle walls are as dangerous now as they have always been.

Public Toilets are a rarity. You use a bar - through the smoke. Where they erect "Pissoirs" for men to use it is not because they consider there is a need. It is an attempt to stop Frenchmen pissing in the street whenever they are not in a bar. Why shouldn't a Frenchman piss in the street? They always have. They do even with their wife or girlfriend on their arm. She doesn't notice, neither do passers-by. This DOES NOT APPLY IN PARIS. Paris is different. Parisiens are different. They are not "The Real France".

Lawyers are there to defend your land against your neighbour. They are not there to pursue inflated compensation claims against a public utility. If you were to win such a case you could find the utility has difficulty in maintaining the service to you.

"Don't fight City Hall" has real meaning in France. If you annoy the local Mayor you might as well commit suicide or leave France. Nothing you want to do will be possible or will be delayed forever. France had a twenty-four hour strike of public servants. No one noticed much even when the twenty-four hours stretched to thirty-six. If would have been different if the farmers were on strike. They block motorways with their tractors, spray manure on the police and get away with it.

Vive La France even if their politicians are even more criminal than in most democratic countries. What is the point of being a French politician if you can't sell favours and afford at least one elegant mistress?

Og