Bruised ass vs. broken tailbone-- how can you tell?

[christo]

This morning I was heading down to my basement when Ernie, one of my cats, jumped on the bannister. He fell from the bannister last week, embarrassing for a cat, and I said, "Hey, you're gonna fall. Stupid cat."

I started down the steps, and whoosh! My slippered feet shot from underneath me, and I was at the mercy of gravity. One second I was looking at Ernie, the next I was looking at the ceiling. "BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!" Fell right on my ass and bounced off each uncarpeted wooden step on the way down. Thank God I live in a split level and only had to endure 5 steps, because there was no stopping me. To his credit, Ernie raced down the steps to comfort me, and I detected no mocking in his concerned meows.

So now I have what could be called a broken ass. Sitting is absolutely excruciating, but it's nothing compared to getting up. I went to church today and, man, I was in tears. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. Kneel. Stand up. Lord have mercy, indeed.

Has anyone out there ever broken their tailbone? If so, what did your doctor do about it? I hate to waste my time going to the doctor just to have him tell me, "Hey, just stay off it for a few days!" Goddam quacks.

My poor, poor little tushie. You never stop to appreciate your ass until you break it. And then, sob, it's too late...

 

[MissTaken]

I love how you have written your tale of woe.

Now, I would say that you should take your tail to the doctor.




A nice tushie is a terrible thing to waste.

 

[Oliver Clozoff]

The only definitive way to diagnose a broken coccyx is with a pelvic x-ray, but you can generally also tell just by length of time it takes to heal. A broken bone obviously takes longer to heal than a bruise - hence if you're hurting for weeks, it's probably broken.

Still, there's no definitive treatment for an uncomplicated coccyx fracture. There's not much an orthopedist or any other doc can do that your body won't do by itself. What the doc would tell you would be to keep off of it as much as possible. He'd probably give you a 'scrip for a donut pillow to sit on (redistributes your body weight, allowing you to sit without putting pressure on the tailbone). Then of course, he may give you the patient's little helper - pain meds. If you have trouble with more than just sitting or feel like you want some help with the pain I recommend going in to the doc. If not, just try to bear it as best you can.

Good luck.

O. Clozoff,
MD2B

 

[christo]

Coccyx!

I was going nuts trying to remember the proper name of the thing in my body I might have busted. Coccyx! Neat sounding word, much more sophisticated than "tailbone". I keep thinking of an episode of "Deputy Dawg" where said canine lawman injured his posterior and moaned, "Ah done hurt mah tail-bone!" I don't want to sound like that.

I've been taking Advil like M&M's all day. Maybe I'll score some OxyContin from this! And one of those donut pillows--can you say "chick magnet"? Tell me, ladies, can you resist a guy who walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, produces an inflatable donut, and settles his ass on it like a hen squatting over her eggs? Plenty of action for me this New Year's Eve!

Trouble is, I can't do anything with my hips. The mere thought of thrusting makes me wince. And the idea of a girl, even a girl as slight as Kate Moss, riding me in the state I'm in makes me break out in a cold sweat. Oh, I'm in hell!

 

[Oliver Clozoff]

in my best Bill Clinton voice...

"I feel your pain, Christo. I feel your pain."

bites lip and makes an effortfully solemn expression

I've never broken my tailbone, but by all accounts it hurts like hell. And you're right, the donut pillow will definitely lose you "cool points" with the ladies. One of my best friends has insulin-dependent diabetes and has to give himself shots after every meal. We have a running joke about how sexy it is to his dates for him to have to inject insulin into his belly after dinner.

There's nothin' that says love like an intradermal injection...

 

[The_old_man]

Given evidance deffinatly indicates a fractured Coccyx.

Any Pharmacist will sell you a shaped pillow to relieve pressure.
The other symtoms ... my condolences.

 

[BlondGirl]

Raid the pool toy section of Wal-mart for an inflatable donut.

OC is correct, there is nothing to be done except possibly get pain meds. Fracture, bruise, or simple whining gets the same treatment in the ER.

As far as the Advil is concerned, instead of taking a dose every 4 hours, take one every 2 hours--this has been proven to decrease healing time faster. (Smaller doses more often means you keep the level more constant rather than letting it ebb before jolting it.)

Get the good stuff as well as a bottle of the cheap store brand. The good stuff is coated and will dissolve farther down the digestive tract than the cheap stuff, decreasing the odds of eating a hole in your gut. Usually rotating every 3 days does the trick.

If it will make you feel better, take a calcium dose in addition to your average health routine. (No more than 300mg's at a time though. More than that in a fell swoop will be pissed out and wasted. I recommend the Viactive brand in orange flavor. These are dosed at 500mg's each. )

I feel your pain--cracked a rib a few years ago and the treatment is the same. Gotta suffer through it and be glad it was not your knee or shoulder.

(Oh, and BTW--I would recommend that you go for the fibre in your diet to keep it soft and easy going. You don't want to put forth any extra effort to shit since the coccyx is on the other side of the tissue of your asshole.)

This is just my advice though, for what it is worth.

 

[Cath!]

I actually have this little tiny point at the base of my tailbone thanks to a run-in with a tennis net when I was about 16. I thought it was just bruised, til it swelllllllllllllled up and hurt like hell on that 3.5 hour trip to Seattle...then through the 2 hour movie...

Trust me...I feel your pain too!

 

[Silverlily]

I fractured mine three months before my first child was born, not fun, let me tell you. Going from sitting to standing and vice versa was excruiating.

*Crossing my fingers yours is just bruised*

 

[christo]

The good news is, my rump feels better. The bad news, it still hurts like a sonofabitch. I was "off" it all night as I slept, but now that I'm sitting again, it's startin' to hurt again.

Funny thing is, the staircase I fell down has no bannister. I removed it when I moved in because it was literally falling off the wall, and I haven't found one yet that matches the bannister on the top floor, nor have I been motivated enough replace the whole thing. So, technically, I could sue for negligence. I'm not up to code. Since we Americans just LOVE lawsuits, I'm thinking about getting a lawyer.

I'm not sure who to go after-- Home Depot, for not providing bannisters of sufficent attrativeness and ease of installation, or the People's Republic of China, who made the slippery slippers that sent my on my trip to the bottom of the stairs.

I mean, I can't blame MYSELF for being a lazy klutz. That's just...un-American.

 

[christo]

An ass update

It's now been four days since I went schussing down my stairs, and my ass is, if anything, more fucked-up than ever. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I spend all day chained to a desk, and the idea of sitting in a cushy chair makes me quail. I have a nice, comfy leather chair in my office at home, but the way I am now it's like some medieval torture device. The cushion seems to isolate the exact spot of the injury and brings about a pain almost exquisite in its intensity. Tomorrow, I fear, is going to suck.

I had about 10 beers and four or five glasses of champagne last night, on top of four 200mg Motrin. None of it touched the pain. It ignores all attempts to numb it down.

The only good thing about my excruciating injury is that it helped me meet a very pretty girl. I went to a party last night at a friend's house and my one buddy, thinking that the cause of my agony was just a hoot, told everyone the story. It provided a talking point with this girl, which shows just how pathetic I am at wooing the ladies, that I have to practically cripple myself to get their attention. I got her phone number, I told her I'd call her the second I could sit down without bursting into tears. Nice girl, hope I get to see her before the spring.

New Year's Day is always a time for lying around, chilling out, watching some football. Today I just lay on the couch and squirmed. You know how wonderful it is to flop on the couch, feel the cushions take your weight as you snuggle in? If you do, let me know, because I can't do it. I'm doing no flopping and no snuggling right now.

My ass. My ass, my ass, my ass.

 

[PacificBlue]

I don't mean to laugh at your pain but you just made me giggle. I haven't smilled all day.

Thank you.

Sorry about your tooshie. I hope it gets better soon.

 

[christo]

Mmm...donut...

"So how's your ass?" you've doubtless been wanting to ask. We're coming up on ten days since I fell down my steps and, yes, my ass still hurts! Maybe not as bad as before, but still pretty goddam bad!

I have a buddy who's a doctor and I asked what the hell I should do. His response was about the same as the previous posters (a lot of medical folk on Lit?)-- take lots of ibuprofin, and buy a donut. He said, "Unfortunately, there's nothing much we can do about a fractured coccyx". It was the royal "we" I loved, as though he were part of this great medical fraternity that collaborates together on every case. If I asked him about George Harrison's death my buddy would doubtless say, "There was nothing we could do," as though he was at George's bedside in Beverly Hills.

So I got a donut and brought it to work (of course hiding it in a plastic bag so no one on the elevator could see). I put in on my chair, sat, and "UHHHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGGHHHHH!" So...fucking...good! Had the people in the cubicles around me prairie-dogging to see if I'd stashed a girl under my desk.

Speaking of girls, I did see that girl I met New Year's Eve last week. And SHE called ME. Met her after work for Happy Hour with a bunch of her work friends. She said she was going away that weekend and thought we might meet for a bit before she left.

Bull-shit. She wanted to be with a big group of her friends so that if it turned out she was drunker than she thought New Year's Eve and I looked like something that lived in the Black Lagoon she would have cover. I guess she thought I was OK, no screaming, no pitchforks. And she saved me a space at the bar, meaning I could STAND!. Big points in my book. I like her. Though I got the impression that quite a few of her male co-workers like her too, if their constant flirting was any indication. Gotta get healthy to fight off these bastards.

So that's the deal. I did feel good enough this weekend to sit still and write an 8000 word story, but when I stood up I made this squealing sound that frightened my cats. Gonna take my paycheck to the drug store and blow it all on Motrin. Sweet, sweet Motrin.