Breakthrough, now what?

[Easyvirtue]

So my wife and I have been sexually distant but very in love with each other for a long time. It’s the old adage she’s just not into sex or its frequency as I am. The other evening we had a come to Jesus meeting and we even talked divorce. The next morning she apologized and after hearing my words of closeness, mental health through sex and desires I have still for her she promised to “do better.”
My question is now how do I tread. I know this doesn’t mean the sex floodgates have opened but I would love advice from others who have experienced the same and turned it around on how both parties managed to move forward and past the hiccup. Thanks

 

[J_Bone]

Only advice I can give is do your part, something that's within your control. What I mean by that is set up surprise date nights at a nice restaurant a few times a month, take her to a concert or event that you know she will love, maybe do a little extra around the house that she's not expecting. And my favorite is plan a surprise long weekend at a relaxing rural B&B or upscale hotel in a bustling downtown area with great bars and restaurants. Not only is it a nice gesture and fun for both of you, but something about being away from home gets the proverbial erotic juices flowing without fail.

Not saying you don't already do these, but we can almost always do better/more. I think most women would agree that oftentimes the road to (more) sex is paved with things that have nothing to do with sex per se. It's simply feeling cherished and important, which makes us seem more attractive and desirable, having put forth the effort.

Good luck to y'all!

 

[dkak001]

The above, plus:

It Sounds like you had a pretty big discussion about sex. Major first step taken. Good job on getting that far. Now that you have her attention, spend some time discussing BOTH of your needs and wants. Ideally a few minutes each day, but try to that every day. Don't let it fall by the wayside, but don't push the subject. Just let her know you'd like to spend a few minutes talking, on a daily basis. That should help keep in fresh in both your minds.

Sometimes desire on her part is driven by hormones, and sometimes that can be addressed by doctors. Not sure she wants to, or needs to see a Dr about this. But it might be worth some discussion with her. Or at least do a little research on things that can be done to help.

The other thing that could help, is partake in some adult entertainment as a couple. Adult themed movie, or some reading (the literotica site is a good one... ). But do it in a fun way. Laugh about how unrealistic some of it is, etc. The point is to trigger your brains with visual (probably you) and mental images (probably her).

Remember, something like 90% of sex is in the brain. Where the brain goes, the body will follow...

 

[happygosideways]

I had this situation with my ex husband, he was really attentive when he wanted sex--laugh louder at my jokes, put his phone down or pause the tv when I spoke, extra long eye contact. My advice would be, make sure you are attentive and not make a move for sex. He couldnt recognize the difference but it was so obvious to me that it made me resentful. Good luck, its great that you are communicating about it.

 

[dkak001]

I had this situation with my ex husband, he was really attentive when he wanted sex--laugh louder at my jokes, put his phone down or pause the tv when I spoke, extra long eye contact. My advice would be, make sure you are attentive and not make a move for sex. He couldnt recognize the difference but it was so obvious to me that it made me resentful. Good luck, its great that you are communicating about it.

Your first post! Welcome aboard.

So, curious why that made you resentful if it was subconscious for him. Did he ignore you most of the time, turning it on only when wanted to? Or was that just part of a bigger issue or set of issues?