Breakthrough, now what?

[Easyvirtue]

So my wife and I have been sexually distant but very in love with each other for a long time. It’s the old adage she’s just not into sex or its frequency as I am. The other evening we had a come to Jesus meeting and we even talked divorce. The next morning she apologized and after hearing my words of closeness, mental health through sex and desires I have still for her she promised to “do better.”
My question is now how do I tread. I know this doesn’t mean the sex floodgates have opened but I would love advice from others who have experienced the same and turned it around on how both parties managed to move forward and past the hiccup. Thanks

 

[J_Bone]

Only advice I can give is do your part, something that's within your control. What I mean by that is set up surprise date nights at a nice restaurant a few times a month, take her to a concert or event that you know she will love, maybe do a little extra around the house that she's not expecting. And my favorite is plan a surprise long weekend at a relaxing rural B&B or upscale hotel in a bustling downtown area with great bars and restaurants. Not only is it a nice gesture and fun for both of you, but something about being away from home gets the proverbial erotic juices flowing without fail.

Not saying you don't already do these, but we can almost always do better/more. I think most women would agree that oftentimes the road to (more) sex is paved with things that have nothing to do with sex per se. It's simply feeling cherished and important, which makes us seem more attractive and desirable, having put forth the effort.

Good luck to y'all!

 

[dkak001]

The above, plus:

It Sounds like you had a pretty big discussion about sex. Major first step taken. Good job on getting that far. Now that you have her attention, spend some time discussing BOTH of your needs and wants. Ideally a few minutes each day, but try to that every day. Don't let it fall by the wayside, but don't push the subject. Just let her know you'd like to spend a few minutes talking, on a daily basis. That should help keep in fresh in both your minds.

Sometimes desire on her part is driven by hormones, and sometimes that can be addressed by doctors. Not sure she wants to, or needs to see a Dr about this. But it might be worth some discussion with her. Or at least do a little research on things that can be done to help.

The other thing that could help, is partake in some adult entertainment as a couple. Adult themed movie, or some reading (the literotica site is a good one... ). But do it in a fun way. Laugh about how unrealistic some of it is, etc. The point is to trigger your brains with visual (probably you) and mental images (probably her).

Remember, something like 90% of sex is in the brain. Where the brain goes, the body will follow...

 

[happygosideways]

I had this situation with my ex husband, he was really attentive when he wanted sex--laugh louder at my jokes, put his phone down or pause the tv when I spoke, extra long eye contact. My advice would be, make sure you are attentive and not make a move for sex. He couldnt recognize the difference but it was so obvious to me that it made me resentful. Good luck, its great that you are communicating about it.

 

[dkak001]

I had this situation with my ex husband, he was really attentive when he wanted sex--laugh louder at my jokes, put his phone down or pause the tv when I spoke, extra long eye contact. My advice would be, make sure you are attentive and not make a move for sex. He couldnt recognize the difference but it was so obvious to me that it made me resentful. Good luck, its great that you are communicating about it.

Your first post! Welcome aboard.

So, curious why that made you resentful if it was subconscious for him. Did he ignore you most of the time, turning it on only when wanted to? Or was that just part of a bigger issue or set of issues?

 

[Britva415]

I had this situation with my ex husband, he was really attentive when he wanted sex--laugh louder at my jokes, put his phone down or pause the tv when I spoke, extra long eye contact. My advice would be, make sure you are attentive and not make a move for sex. He couldnt recognize the difference but it was so obvious to me that it made me resentful. Good luck, its great that you are communicating about it.

Your advice is "be attentive," but you resent your husband for being attentive?

Did I read something wrong?

 

[Britva415]

My question is now how do I tread. I know this doesn’t mean the sex floodgates have opened but I would love advice from others who have experienced the same and turned it around on how both parties managed to move forward and past the hiccup.

How big of a hiccup was this? Big enough to almost split you up.

With that in mind, my advice is: Give her a chance, but do not wait an unreasonably long time. You will have (probably already have had) moments of thinking she just needs more time, she'll come around. Well, as time passes, be honest with yourself about it when you tell yourself "she's trying and deserves the chance to try."

Of course she does, that's not wrong, but if you see weeks and months go by with no real discernible change on her part, don't wait years. You've already come this close to splitting up. Progress is the only thing worth waiting around for.

Be willing to ask her whether she has a plan. Medical check-up? Therapy? Scheduling sex? Asking you for something different? Just vaguely "trying," with no real plan?

Allow me to recommend a book for both of you. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's 100% about couples who have a mismatch of their desire for sex.

It could go one of three ways:
She tries, and there's a change in her appetite or willingness for sex. Yay!
She tries, but it doesn't change, and she still doesn't want sex. Too bad.
She doesn't appear to be trying at all. Also too bad.

There's another way it could go, which is, she becomes willing to just let you get yourself off to her/with her/on her/in her, but she's not into it. Lying there inertly, or actively conveying that she wish you'd hurry up so it's over already. If this isn't thrilling or arousing or ethically OK with you, you don't have to suck it up. I told my own wife "no thanks" when it was obvious she was only in it to "provide" for me. I couldn't get into that and haven't had sex with her since.

If you still feel like it's not working weeks or months from now, just concede that the two of you aren't sexually compatible anymore, and you're back to square one. And don't ever forget that square one was where one or both of you were ready to end it.

I'm not predicting that that's inevitable, I'm just saying, it will be awful easy to let this drag on a long, long time with no real change. That will be more painful than whatever has driven you to the brink already, so, don't endure it longer than you have to, if that's the way it goes.

In my case, there was lots of sincere trying but still no progress, and ultimately I got an extramarital pass, so, we haven't split up. I didn't threaten her with leaving, we were both more like, "what do we have to do to stay together." And we left no stone un-turned.