Boyfriends

[sweetnpetite]

I do have a theory about "serial abusees" - women that get into an abusive relationship, escape it from it, and get back into another just like it. Abusiveness does not exist in a vacuum. People who are abusive tend to be aggressive, self-confident and controlling. Men with these qualities are frequently successful at whatever it is they do, which makes them attractive to women, especially to women who are already attracted to men who are aggressive, etc. With men like this, if things go wrong, they will sometimes take it out on somebody handy, such as a wife of SO. If she gets out of the relationship, and into another one, the second will be with a man who is attractive to her, meaning he has the same qualities that attractred her to the first guy. Abusiveness might not be part of the second man's personal profile, but there is a good chance it will be.

I have a theory too. And it's more along the lines of what the folks who study this kind of thing say.

Women who go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship usually have an unhealthy (or no) model of what love it. Perhaps they had abusive fathers or they think that men are possesive and controlling because they love you so much. Perhaps they look for someone who is 'tough' because they feel that he can protect them. Sometimes a woman doesn't get enough love and affection from her father, and she becomes very needy. Abusive men are so very affectionate. They are so passionate. You think they go crazy like that because they love you so much. You think they want you around all the time because they love you so much. YOu think they hit you because they love you so much. (Anyone remember the line, "I"m only doing this because I love you"?) Women who are starved for male effection very often look in the wrong places. They have no good role model, they don't know how to look in the right places. Sometimes a healthy quiet non-possesive love doesn't look like love, if what they've seen of love is all fire and ice.

All of us are taught certain scripts in our youth and we continue to act those scripts out. Because it's the only way we know how to be. If you've always been a victim, how do you know how to not be a victim? How do you know how to stand up for yourself? If the people who are supposed to love you most in the world treated you badly, how are you supposed to expect strangers (people you meet later in life to treat you?)

Has anyone seen the movie, "Forest Gump"- remember Jenny? How she was abused, and later fell for one jerk after another, thinking that was what love was? thinking that was all she deserved, all she was worth. I remember the line when forest said, "I love you Jenny" and she said, "You don't know what love is, Forest" And I remember thinking at the time, "No, you're the one who doesn't know what love is."

If you don't know what love is, if you've never seen it before- how are you supposed to recognize it?

 

[sweetnpetite]

I actually think you both have very good points. Both elements can contribute, and what Yui describes is surprisingly common - a series of assaults interlaced with "make-ups" that are enticingly earnest and romantic.

If you've got the interest, Roddy Doyle's The Woman Who Walked into Doorsdoes an excellent job of conveying the densely complicated web of attractive, misery, familiarity and fear that trap one woman in such a relationship.

Shanglan
__________________

The Cycle of Violence Revisited

What happens to abused and neglected children after
they grow up? Do the victims of violence and
neglect later become criminals or violent offenders
themselves?

A series of ongoing studies (sponsored by the
National Institute of Justice, the National
Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, and the
National Institute of Mental Health) are examining
the lives of 1,575 child victims identified in
court cases of abuse and neglect dating from 1967
to 1971. By 1994, almost half of the victims (most
of whom were then in their late twenties and early
thirties) had been arrested for some type of
nontraffic offense. Eighteen percent had been
arrested for a violent crime--an increase of 4
percent in the 6 years since arrest records were
first checked. Rates of arrest were at least 25
percent higher among black victims.

Another key finding was that neglected children's
rates of arrest for violence were almost as high as
physically abused children's. Neglect was defined
by the court as an excessive failure by caregivers
to provide food, clothing, shelter, and medical
attention.

Although the study is not yet completed, these
preliminary findings indicate a need for criminal
justice and social service agencies to take a
proactive, preventive stance to stop the cycle of
violence. The goal is early identification of
abused and neglected children and careful,
sensitive handling of these cases to avoid an early
criminal justice intervention that could become the
first in a spiral of sanctions.
http://www.ncjrs.org/txtfiles/cyclepre.txt

 

[sweetnpetite]

Cycle of Violence


Incident
Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)


Tension Building
Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up
Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims


Calm
Abuser acts like the abuse
never happened
Physical abuse may not be
taking place
Promises made during
'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the
abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim


The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle.html

 

[sweetnpetite]

Anyone who "has a theory" or even wonders how anyone can be so stupid, really aught to consider doing a bit of research on the topic. It's not like these things haven't been studied. We may not have all the answers, but we do know a lot about abuse, abusers and abusees.

Try a couple of these:

Myth:

Family violence is rare...

Truth:

Although statistics on family violence are not precise, it's clear that millions of children, women and even men are abused physically by family members and other intimates.

Myth:

Family violence is confined to the lower classes...

Truth:

Reports from police records, victim services, and academic studies show domestic violence exists equally in every socioeconomic group, regardless of race or culture.

Myth:

Alcohol and drug abuse are the real causes of violence in the home...

Truth:

Because many male batterers also abuse alcohol and other drugs, it's easy to conclude that these substances may cause domestic violence. They apparently do increase the lethality of the violence, but they also offer the batrefer another excuse to evade responsibility for his behavior. The abu-sive man -- and men are the abusers in the overwhelming majority of domestic violence incidents -- typically con-trols his actions, even when drunk or high, by choosing a time and place for the assaults to take place in private and go undetected. In addition, successful completion of a drug treatment program does not guarantee an end to battering. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems that should be treated separately.

Myth:

Battered wives like being hit, otherwise they would leave...

Truth:

The most common response to battering-- "Why doesn't she just leave?"-- ignores economic and social realities facing many women. Shelters are often full, and family, friends, and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance, and other basic expenses, the woman may feel that she cannot sup-port herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive spouse.

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/cycle.htm

It's All About Trying to Control
Whether alcohol and drug abuse is a factor or not, domestic violence and abuse is a very serious problem -- for the victims and the abusers.
As we saw in last week's article although statistics seem to indicate some link between alcohol/drug abuse and domestic violence, others believe that they are two separate issues. Domestic abuse is not so much about a "loss of control" as it is about total control!

Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/abuse/a/990407.htm

Dr. Lenore Walker specializes in the psychological treatment of victims, particularly victims of spousal abuse and sexual assault or abuse. In 1979, Walker interviewed 1500 battered women and discovered that each of them described a similar pattern of spousal abuse ("Dynamics of Domestic," 2002).

http://www.webster.edu/~woolflm/walker.html

Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook
http://www.usda.gov/da/shmd/aware.htm
http://www.domesticviolence.org/content.html

 

[sweetnpetite]

http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/3059/wheel2.jpg

for a discription of the meanings of these things, go here:
http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/3059/wheel-b.html

 

[sweetnpetite]

What to Take With You
The following is a general list of things women should take with them when they leave an abusive situation.


1. Identification- birth certificates for yourself and your children, drivers license, state identification, green card, work permit, social security card, passport, etc.

2. Health records- school and vaccination records.

3. Money- checkbook, ATM card, cash, credit cards.

4. Keys- your home, your work, your car.

5. Medication

6. Divorce papers, Order of Protection

7. Lease or rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book.

8. Insurance papers

9. Jewelry- small things you can sell.

10. Address book

11. Clothes

12. Toys

13. Sentimental items- pictures

http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/3059/dv2.html

 

[sweetnpetite]

Approximately 85 percent of abused women who seek some type of assistance will eventually return to their batterer (S.A.V.E. pamphlet, 1994). The preceding statistical finding and others have contributed to the development of various theories explaining why women remain in violent relationships. Two theories, the "learned helplessness theory," and the "cycle theory of violence," address this question.

http://www-mcnair.berkeley.edu/97journal/Bettencourt.html

 

[RebeccaBrowning]

Big sister, I would so much rather be "stupid" like you, than display the sort of don't-have-a-freaking-clue-pseudo "smart" that seems so alarmingly prevalent of late, eh?


I respectfully disagree, Box.

Sugar wouldn't melt in my ex-husband's mouth according to most people. He's the sweetest guy you ever want to meet. He'll do anything for you. I am sick unto death of hearing everyone tell me how sweet a guy he is. They had absolutely no freaking idea of the demon that lived inside him and how that demon visited itself on me.

I fell in love with his sweetness; I had no clue. He would do anything to save face in public, being liked was very important to him. But in private, with just me, after we were married, it was hell on earth, and everything from the fact that it was raining to the fact that his new shoes hurt his feet was my fault. If I heard, "Why do you make me do this?" once, I heard it a thousand times. For every time he was "sweet" in public, I paid dearly for it.

As others have pointed out, liars lie. You never know what someone is capable of until you live with them and by then, it's often much too late.

If you've never been frightened of someone you honestly love, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, of please-god-just-let-it-be-okay, then you cannot understand. If you have never lived with a perpetual sick ball in your tummy, thinking, hoping that this or that might be the thing that makes it right—giving everything that you have to give--then you cannot understand.

Luck,

Yui

Amen. I think I married his brother.

 

[Recidiva]

Well, these aren't career criminals either, these are "just a guy" kinda guys.

They're normal.

They're every day. They just don't know how not to be who they are and they were likely abused as kids and don't know their own worth and can't stand up for themselves, panic under pressure and consider life's obstacles to be walls built to stop them and not obstacles to overcome.

They have a choice: Life is something that happens to them and is beyond their comprehension or life is something they choose to face as a challenge.

They are children in big people bodies, they never grew up. People often hang around waiting for them to grow up, because sometimes it does happen. I did wait a long time, because there's a lot of good in people, and growing is possible.

This accounts for a very large part of the population in many ways, so it's difficult to hang signs on all of them.

It's just something you have to be able to recognize when it happens, accept, forgive and possibly draw crime tape around and move on. Crises of awful stuff and crises of learning occur. Births of children can make people grow up or decide it's too much to face, you can't tell until it happens, then I also gave it some time and usually decide to forgive the person in question. They weren't given a manual at birth either.

They're my challenges also, if they can't overcome or understand or embrace their own lives, I feel sorry for them for all the opportunities they've missed.

 

[entitled]

I am not holding this against you, because you didn't know, but I like to get the word out there that you can go to a battered women's shelter for emotional abuse.

(after a little snip)

i looked into going to the shelter here. They absolutely WOULD NOT accept us because none of us bore marks, the kids were young enough they couldn't test them for psychological abuse, and i had learned to deal with it long enough ago (abusive childhood as well) that i was able to hide it within myself to the point that they couldn't tell what was going on. They just had my word on it, and that wasn't enough.

 

[sweetnpetite]

(after a little snip)

i looked into going to the shelter here. They absolutely WOULD NOT accept us because none of us bore marks, the kids were young enough they couldn't test them for psychological abuse, and i had learned to deal with it long enough ago (abusive childhood as well) that i was able to hide it within myself to the point that they couldn't tell what was going on. They just had my word on it, and that wasn't enough.

Wow, that is fucked up. That shelter absolutely sucks. Someone should report them to the beuro of abuse shelters. [Yeah, I know there is such place] I am quite appalled. When dealing with abuse victims, they shouldn't need any more than your word.

If you ever decide that you just can't stay and your willing/able to do something really drastic,[move to a different city or possibly even state] I would encourage you call the hotline. I'm sure that they could connect you with a shelter or some other type of network.

more hugs.

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

 

[Recidiva]

Wow, that is fucked up. That shelter absolutely sucks. Someone should report them to the beuro of abuse shelters. [Yeah, I know there is such place] I am quite appalled. When dealing with abuse victims, they shouldn't need any more than your word.

If you ever decide that you just can't stay and your willing/able to do something really drastic,[move to a different city or possibly even state] I would encourage you call the hotline. I'm sure that they could connect you with a shelter or some other type of network.

more hugs.

Yes, the sick vertigo of finding out that a rape counselor is a serial rapist...

Some of these stories can't be made up, nobody would believe them.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Yes, the sick vertigo of finding out that a rape counselor is a serial rapist...

Some of these stories can't be made up, nobody would believe them.

Uhg. Rape councilers should always be the same sex as the victim. [or opposite sex of the attacker, I should say] It would still be possible for probelms, but far less likely.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Uhg. Rape councilers should always be the same sex as the victim. [or opposite sex of the attacker, I should say] It would still be possible for probelms, but far less likely.

Just call it the same sex as the victim. Men do rape boys and other men, and women do rape girls and other women, although not very often. Very rarely would a woman rape a man or a boy, except for the statutory rape scene.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Just call it the same sex as the victim. Men do rape boys and other men, and women do rape girls and other women, although not very often. Very rarely would a woman rape a man or a boy, except for the statutory rape scene.

It doesn't matter how rare it is if it happens to you.

A woman raped by a man should not be counciled by a man.

A woman raped by a woman should probably get to choose who she feels comfortable with.

I know a girl who was sexually assualted by a couple. This is how it worked. The girl (a teen) had agreed to have sex with the woman (she was about 20) but the woman tricked her and the man and the woman tied her to the bed and raped her together. Even though she had agreed to sex with the woman, she was still raped by both of them because they tied her down and took away her choice. [and even though she was underaged, it was not statutory]

I have no idea who she would feel comfortable with in that instance.

Maybe all rape councilers should be women. Men probably don't want to admit to another man that they were raped- weather hetero- or homo- sexually.

 

[zeb1094]

Take off your blinders.... sometimes the nice girls are packaged inside of something that you might not look at..... when guys start seeing with their hearts instead of their cocks.... maybe... some of this will stop.

Hoorah. Married my wife shortly after her divorce from an abusive spouse, she wasn't the best looking woman around by a far stretch. Inside though, in her heart, I could see something I had never seen in a woman before. A sense of being, there for her children first and foremost. I took over supporting them, they were 1 and 2 1/2 at the time, as their 'father' disappeared. (This was back in the early 70's)

They're fully grown and I now have five grandchildren. So, I kinda count myself as a "good" guy. Married 33 years and counting.

Just thought a look from the other side would help. We are out there.

 

[Guest]

Hoorah. Married my wife shortly after her divorce from an abusive spouse, she wasn't the best looking woman around by a far stretch. Inside though, in her heart, I could see something I had never seen in a woman before. A sense of being, there for her children first and foremost. I took over supporting them, they were 1 and 2 1/2 at the time, as their 'father' disappeared. (This was back in the early 70's)

They're fully grown and I now have five grandchildren. So, I kinda count myself as a "good" guy. Married 33 years and counting.

Just thought a look from the other side would help. We are out there.

You give hope....

 

[Boxlicker101]

Hoorah. Married my wife shortly after her divorce from an abusive spouse, she wasn't the best looking woman around by a far stretch. Inside though, in her heart, I could see something I had never seen in a woman before. A sense of being, there for her children first and foremost. I took over supporting them, they were 1 and 2 1/2 at the time, as their 'father' disappeared. (This was back in the early 70's)

They're fully grown and I now have five grandchildren. So, I kinda count myself as a "good" guy. Married 33 years and counting.

Just thought a look from the other side would help. We are out there.

Of course we are out there and probably in the majority. We are the kind you don't hear about. If there are reports of one million men abusing their wives in a given year, that means 99 million men have not done so. I realize such abuse is underreported, but not that much.

 

[SeaCat]

Okay, my take on this. (Too many of you have heard this before.)

You raise your hand against a woman and I see it or hear about it. You will take a long vacation in the hospital. I will make you feel many fold what you have made that woman feel. I will show you no mercy, I will not hear your cries, I will not heed your begging. I will injure you in ways you only had nightmares about. I will only allow you to live because that is a worse punishment than being dead. I enjoy, I truly enjoy making wife beaters squeal. (Yes I know I am barbaric, get over it.) I have the scars and the record to prove I stand by this.

there is no excuse for raising your hand against a woman. I dont' give a shit about what the psychs say. (I will use applied psychology in this case.) You abuse your woman to control her, you abuse your wman to prove to yourself how much of a man you are. I will show you just how macho you are. You will see how macho you are as you lay on the ground at my feet begging me to stop.

If you are a woman and are truly trying to get out of your relationship, I will gladly help you. I will protect you, I will aide you in getting free. Again I have the scars to back this statement up.

My armor is dented and rusted, but it is there. My armor is my honor. I will stand up for those who need help. I have done this before and I will do it again until I am dead.

Cat

Yes I do feel strongly about this.

 

[rgraham666]

SeaCat, you rock!

 

[Liar]

there is no excuse for raising your hand against a woman.

There is no excuse to raise your hand against anybody. Except as a means to stop abuse, like in your example, cat. Man, woman, child, schnauser, doesn't matter. All violence sucks ass, and a non violent individual does never deserve it. Period.

That's my take. Do with it what you will, peeps.

 

[SeaCat]

SeaCat, you rock!

No Bob. I do not rock.

I am a man, that is all. I take that title seriously.

Cat

 

[zeb1094]

You give hope....

Thank you dear.

 

[yui]

To all who have married my ex or who might do so in the future: Run.

I know your pain, your betrayal, your confusion. It sucks beyond my words to convey. Peace and a safe harbor.

 

[zeb1094]

Of course we are out there and probably in the majority. We are the kind you don't hear about. If there are reports of one million men abusing their wives in a given year, that means 99 million men have not done so. I realize such abuse is underreported, but not that much.

I agree and it's ashame so many 'men', I use the word losely, think that it is alright to hit a woman. I have never hit a woman, well once (but there were special circumstances) in my life.

(Special Circumstance:
Was stationed in Korea, Air Force cop, fight in the NCO club, this tech sgt. (female) was swinging a bottle at every one that moved, had to club her hand to get her to stop. One of the K9 troops was about to send in his dog, thought she would prefer a broken hand as opposed to a ripped up arm.)