Boyfriends

[sweetnpetite]

Hey, welcome to my world. I stepped on so many guilt trip landmines with girls (and a guy too - this is to my experience not a gender thing, but a human thing)

Yes, I didn't mean to imply that it was a gneder thing at all. We just happen to be talking about 'bad boys' and 'nice guys' in this thread. But you do make a good point.

 

[sweetnpetite]

This, to me, was the best advice I'd seen on staying out of abusive relationships: get away from anyone who presses for a hasty committment or exclusivity, and run, fast, from anyone whose plans or actions isolate you from your friends and family. If s/he can't seem to get along with anyone you know, insists that certain people aren't allowed to come to visit, never has time for either of you to visit your family, and/or wants to move to a location - out of state, isolated rural area - where you would have great difficulty staying in contact with people you know, weigh those desires very, very carefully.

Also, although it seems strange to have to say it, believe people who warn you about this person...Shanglan

I actually learned all that from reading "True Story" magazine as a teen. No joke, I read a few stories where this happened to a woman exactly as you described. And yet... I still fell into similer circumstances. Mine, weren't quite to that extreme, but I fought it every step of the way too. I refused to let go of my friends, and my parents. [of course, when things get bad, you don't want to talk to friends or family anymore. you don't want to tell them what happened now, you don't want to hear there disapointment, or listen to there advice ('they just don't understand') or their critisisms (as it often seems to us when it comes from family).] I recognized many of the things I knew were warnings, and yet I didn't leave. I had many reasons, many excuses. Oh boy, you get good at making excuses for him, for yourself.

Garcon LaClos was a clever man with a deep insight into men and women. When his arch-rake, the Vicomte de Valmonte, wants to seduce a woman famous for the strength of her morals and the happiness of her marriage, he hits upon the scheme that lures many a woman to her doom: he offers her the chance to "convert" him. "But that was with them! He'll be different for me!" is the wincingly painful cry of the lamb to the slaughter.

Was this a true life thing or a literature thing?

 

[Liar]

Do you see the difference?

Alrighty. So there's a difference between a good guy and a "good guy".

Because in my book, being honest and upfront is the same as being good. Acting good with an agenda, (a.k.a known as lying) is being bad.

Not "good" and "bad". But good and bad.

So basically, if a guy is being genuinely caring and not expecting anything, he's screwed. And not because girls suspect he's an asshole in disguise, but because he is indeed good. And some people are so afraid of being the perp that they rather become the victim, when it eventually goes downhill. (like you said a few posts up, you don't wanna be "the devil incarnate")

Damn it's a tricky world we live in.

 

[sweetnpetite]

That is your second post I have read in the last ten minutes that has had me in tears....

Yes. It reminds me of a friend of mine. Who barely knew me at the time, but was willing to make the effort to try to be my friend. To be there for me. To drag me out into the world and force me to live again! (lol- silly but true )

People like that are the gemstones in the crown of life.

 

[yui]

Alrighty. So there's a difference between a good guy and a "good guy".

Because in my book, being honest and upfront is the same as being good. Acting good with an agenda, (a.k.a known as lying) is being bad.

Not "good" and "bad". But good and bad.

So basically, if a guy is being genuinely caring and not expecting anything, he's screwed. And not because girls suspect he's an asshole in disguise, but because he is indeed good. And some people are so afraid of being the perp that they rather become the victim, when it eventually goes downhill. (like you said a few posts up, you don't wanna be "the devil incarnate")

Damn it's a tricky world we live in.

Liar, how can I tell the difference? I've been duped and yes he was an ass, but how do I judge good from "good"? I'd love to know. All smartass aside, sometimes my heart hurts with the lonely.

 

[maggot420]

Liar, how can I tell the difference? I've been duped and yes he was an ass, but how do I judge good from "good"? I'd love to know. All smartass aside, sometimes my heart hurts with the lonely.

I can help you.
I'm good...everyone else is potentially bad
For your heart

 

[sweetnpetite]

So basically, if a guy is being genuinely caring and not expecting anything, he's screwed. And not because girls suspect he's an asshole in disguise, but because he is indeed good. And some people are so afraid of being the perp that they rather become the victim, when it eventually goes downhill. (like you said a few posts up, you don't wanna be "the devil incarnate")

Ah, er, no...

A guy who is genuine will get passed over by people who are not ready for him yet, or who are not worthy of him. Hopefully, when the right girl comes along, he won't be stuck with the not right girl.

And, well, a good guy isn't supposed to be being a good guy to get the girl anyway, so therefore he's not screwed. He just needs to learn to recognize the right girl who's ready for him. [and she may not be the blond with the big boobs- or maybe she will be, who knows.] He's only screwed if he's focusing on getting 'this girl' instead of finding the right girl without preconcieved notions of who she is.

My head feels twisty now. I might have to take a break from this thread.

 

[Liar]

Liar, how can I tell the difference? I've been duped and yes he was an ass, but how do I judge good from "good"? I'd love to know. All smartass aside, sometimes my heart hurts with the lonely.

Like I said. Tricky business. So just out of curiosity, what do you do?

The girls who want good guys try in vain to figure out how to know the differnce. The good guys try in vain to find out how they can show the difference.

Oy vey, is all I say.

 

[Liar]

and she may not be the blond with the big boobs- or maybe she will be, who knows.

I have my hopes up on the brunette with the big ass.

(and yes, she takes that as the compliment it is)

 

[sweetnpetite]

Liar, how can I tell the difference? I've been duped and yes he was an ass, but how do I judge good from "good"? I'd love to know. All smartass aside, sometimes my heart hurts with the lonely.

some things:

1. Take it slow.

2. Watch for red-flags. Don't overlook small things in the begining (they tend to get worse later)

3. Don't give up any of your independence- that means, don't come to rely on him, or accept too much help. don't give up your friends or your activities, and don't let him make you feel bad for having other commitments. (red flag)

4. Don't make your life all about him- keep ballance.

5. Listen to your friend's oppinions. Listen to the girl who comes up to you with rumours. Keep your eyes and ears open.

6. Listen to the way he talks about his exes- does he blame them for every thing that went wrong? Does he say she's a crack-head and that's why he won't send her child support, because he knows she'll use it for drugs? [why do women always fall for that 'evil ex' story?- we just love to believe that the ex is so bad that she's not competition I guess]

7. Watch how he treats his mom, his sisters, other women, women on tv, waitresses, ect (and how he talks about them when they leave)

8. Learn to trust yourself again. If you get a bad feeling, don't brush it away. Don't even think it's paranoia because of what you've been through. Better to turn down 10 good guys (sorry guys) than end up with 1 bad one. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel unsettled.

9. Repeat- Make him pass the friend test.

10. Definatly take note if he tries to move to fast- saying I love you, wanting you to move in, whatever. Don't move in. Don't move in until you are 1000% certain that it's the right thing to do. If he can't wait, you'll have to move on.

11. Try not to get too emotionally invested until he's proven himself worthy. That means, also that at the first red flag, cut him loose. Better to leave at the first sign that something is wrong, than to wait for absolute proof and be emotionally attached. Yeah, you have to be a bit of a mercinary, and some good guys may get passed up, but you know what- they'll find somebody too. It's not the end of the world for either party.

Hope that helps, just a little.

I'll PM you with a suggestion that I know will be unpopular.

 

[yui]

Like I said. Tricky business. So just out of curiosity, what do you do?

The girls who want good guys try in vain to figure out how to know the differnce. The good guys try in vain to find out how they can show the difference.

Oy vey, is all I say.

What do I do about what? Men? For a living? Not sure I understand the question. What do I do about relationships? I distrust. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I worry. I begin to think that being alone is much, much easier. I mourn the fact that my capacity to have faith is impaired.

Oy vey is a swell answer, kinda like que sera, sera, but it doesn't exactly tell me what I need to know.

some things:

1. Take it slow.

2. Watch for red-flags. Don't overlook small things in the begining (they tend to get worse later)

3. Don't give up any of your independence- that means, don't come to rely on him, or accept too much help. don't give up your friends or your activities, and don't let him make you feel bad for having other commitments. (red flag)

4. Don't make your life all about him- keep ballance.

5. Listen to your friend's oppinions. Listen to the girl who comes up to you with rumours. Keep your eyes and ears open.

6. Listen to the way he talks about his exes- does he blame them for every thing that went wrong? Does he say she's a crack-head and that's why he won't send her child support, because he knows she'll use it for drugs? [why do women always fall for that 'evil ex' story?- we just love to believe that the ex is so bad that she's not competition I guess]

7. Watch how he treats his mom, his sisters, other women, women on tv, waitresses, ect (and how he talks about them when they leave)

8. Learn to trust yourself again. If you get a bad feeling, don't brush it away. Don't even think it's paranoia because of what you've been through. Better to turn down 10 good guys (sorry guys) than end up with 1 bad one. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel unsettled.

9. Repeat- Make him pass the friend test.

10. Definatly take note if he tries to move to fast- saying I love you, wanting you to move in, whatever. Don't move in. Don't move in until you are 1000% certain that it's the right thing to do. If he can't wait, you'll have to move on.

11. Try not to get too emotionally invested until he's proven himself worthy. That means, also that at the first red flag, cut him loose. Better to leave at the first sign that something is wrong, than to wait for absolute proof and be emotionally attached. Yeah, you have to be a bit of a mercinary, and some good guys may get passed up, but you know what- they'll find somebody too. It's not the end of the world for either party.

Hope that helps, just a little.

I'll PM you with a suggestion that I know will be unpopular.

Thanks, Sweets.

 

[Liar]

What do I do about what? Men? For a living? Not sure I understand the question. What do I do about relationships? I distrust. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I worry. I begin to think that being alone is much, much easier. I mourn the fact that my capacity to have faith is impaired.

Oy vey is a swell answer, kinda like que sera, sera, but it doesn't exactly tell me what I need to know.

That's because I haven't got the foggiest clue either.


Sweet's list is not a bad start though. Although "I'll PM you with a suggestion that I know will be unpopular." is making me itch with curiosity.

 

[SeaCat]

People like that are the gemstones in the crown of life.

Whoa there, screeching halt please.

I am not a Galahad. I am not pure of heart nor am I pure of mind. I have the same lusts, the same desires as many people. I can be as kinky as the next. What I do have is something called a Code of Honor. One that I follow, one that I refuse to break. Yes I will watch a woman as she walks by. Yes I will think about what it would be like to take her to bed with my wife. Yes I may even act on these impulses.

However I will not stand idly by and watch a man strike or injue a woman. I will not turn away someone who is truly in need of help. I will, if I trust the person, invite them into my home and protect them there, otherwise I will find them a safe place.

Does this place me at risk, sometimes. Does this place my wife at risk, rarely. Will I stop because of the risks, not until our society as a whole will step up to the plate and my skills and ideas are no longer needed. (Somehow I don't see this happening any time soon.)

Does this make me something special. Not in the least. I am not now nor will I ever be special except to those who are close to me. I am merely a man, a man who is willing to live by an old fashioned principle and is willing to help others. I am merely me.

Cat

 

[LadyCibelle]

And with some of you, there is someone there who is reaching back. There is someone who is trying to buy you time to either run or heal. Someone who is willing to help, and yes sometimes is willing to get hurt. Sometimes this person is also willing to love you, and sometimes they are just there as a friend.

These people are rare I do admit, but they do exist.

Cat

Yes they do exist Cat...of that I can attest.
I lived in hell for an eternity, thought I would never see the light of day ever again, was convinced I would never be able to trust and love again after what HE had done to me.

Then, my fairytale happened. My Prince Charming crossed the Atlantic to meet me, to see me, to know ME! Been married 16 months now...and believe you me....those last 16 months have been Paradise!!

So yeah, there is hope...sometimes it's hard to see the last dying ember of it, sometimes it's only a faint glimmer of it....BUT...lets not let it die.

It's men like you, LC, my husband and thousand others that I don't know or cannot name who allow hope to remain alive.

Okay I think I'll stop here and go kiss my husband and tell him how much I'm fortunate to have him in my life

 

[sweetnpetite]

Does this make me something special. Not in the least. I am not now nor will I ever be special except to those who are close to me. I am merely a man, a man who is willing to live by an old fashioned principle and is willing to help others. I am merely me.

Cat

what makes you special is that you don't think you're special.

True friend and good people are hard to come by. To those who are close to you, I am certain that you are the gemstone in the crown of their life. Just ask. My dear friends, certainly are to me.

 

[yui]

Whoa there, screeching halt please.

I am not a Galahad. I am not pure of heart nor am I pure of mind. I have the same lusts, the same desires as many people. I can be as kinky as the next. What I do have is something called a Code of Honor. One that I follow, one that I refuse to break. Yes I will watch a woman as she walks by. Yes I will think about what it would be like to take her to bed with my wife. Yes I may even act on these impulses.

However I will not stand idly by and watch a man strike or injue a woman. I will not turn away someone who is truly in need of help. I will, if I trust the person, invite them into my home and protect them there, otherwise I will find them a safe place.

Does this place me at risk, sometimes. Does this place my wife at risk, rarely. Will I stop because of the risks, not until our society as a whole will step up to the plate and my skills and ideas are no longer needed. (Somehow I don't see this happening any time soon.)

Does this make me something special. Not in the least. I am not now nor will I ever be special except to those who are close to me. I am merely a man, a man who is willing to live by an old fashioned principle and is willing to help others. I am merely me.

Cat

Cat. You are special to me.

 

[SeaCat]

Cat. You are special to me.

Dear Lady,
With thanks.


Cat

 

[entitled]

Entitled,

One day you will learn to trust again, if you will allow yourself to. One day you will meet someone who will put the time and energy into helping you to trust. You will meet someone who will move slowly, who will respect you, you will love you whole heartedly. Someone who will understand and do what it takes to help you heal. Someone who is strong enough for you to lean on when you need support, but also strong enough to let you stand on your own when you need to. That time will come, if you allow it.

Cat

i know this, Cat.

i know it well.

However, it's still a long, hard road. It's one i've been travelling as well as possible with very little support. i've fought my way from nearly going crazy (literally nearly going crazy - and had to have somebody else point it out to me at the time) to recognizing the fact that the world isn't as scary as it was just a few years ago.

i'm still stuck here, with the resident asshole, but other people are now allowed into my life. i'm not afraid to tell people where i live anymore, like i was a year ago. There are a very few that know a good part of what happened. Believe me, that post i did on this thread is just the tip of the iceberg. One person in particular comes to mind. He is one of two men that i have allowed myself to be completely alone with.

The first i won't trust that far again for some time, if ever. Even though it was an interesting 24 hours.

This one has become a regular fixture in my life. i've been to his apartment a couple of times - alone. He's been here, has met my children, and has been left alone in the house with them. Granted it was only for a few minutes, but nobody else has gotten that level of trust from me in a long time. i'm still afraid of him. My husband started out as a nice guy and somebody i felt i could trust, too. It scares me to think that this man could be someone else like him.

It's just slow, and hard, and sometimes it feels like it's not really worth all the effort.

 

[BlackSnake]

It's not as easy as it looks. Especially when your heart is involved. Tell me you've never done something stupid because you were thinking with your heart (or maybe your loins) instead of your head. Tell me that when you are *in* a situation, you are objective about it, that you see it as clearly as others around you. Tell me you've never stayed in a relationship (romantic, friendship whatever) when friends told you it was a bad idea.

Tell us all that you always do the rational thing in your personal life and never let your emotions cloud your judgement.

More times than not I get into trouble when my dick is hard. But ladies, this is the real deal when it comes to sex and trouble; it's mama's baby, but daddy's maybe. Cold but true. You loose even when he is forced to pay.

I get in to deep with women, only because I try to help them.

 

[cloudy]

And with some of you, there is someone there who is reaching back. There is someone who is trying to buy you time to either run or heal. Someone who is willing to help, and yes sometimes is willing to get hurt. Sometimes this person is also willing to love you, and sometimes they are just there as a friend.

These people are rare I do admit, but they do exist.

Cat

I know they exist, cat, because you're one of 'em.

 

[BlackSnake]

You want to know something that is so interesting? Guys, some like myself actually love everything about women, especially some of the things they don't like about themselves.

Just think how small her hole is before she expands to accept you. Basically, men want pussy. That tiny little hole. Women want everything else.

The problem here is that women allow me to take control. Some strong women keep their men on a hook even when other women are trying to give them what they want.

Man secret number one: We want what we want. "I want that pussy even its attached to Hilary Clinton."

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

A guy who is true to himself and hold his own standards does good/honerable things because it's the kind of person he wants to be, not so others will think he's good. He doesn't consider himself a 'good guy' he thinks he's just doing the right thing, and that anybody would do the same thing. He doesn't expect brownie points. He knows that like all of us, he has good and bad sides, and while he isn't proud of his bad side, he doesn't try to cover it up with lies. He knows he's not perfect, he doesn't try or pretend to be an angel. He doesn't think anybody owes him for doing the right thing. Because he behaves according to his standard, not the reward.

Now it's my turn to be reduced to tears.

If you knew how much you evoked the man who I have tried to model my life after...

Eerily quotable.

 

[Recidiva]

Women want everything else.

It'd be great to have my wants back, please. Thanks.

 

[BlackSnake]

It'd be great to have my wants back, please. Thanks.

I try to simplify things too much, but cutting through the chase. Bad men will do what ever they have to in order to get what they want. It's sad when they hurt women in the process.

Maybe if both men and women learned to play fair

 

[Boxlicker101]

I try to simplify things too much, but cutting through the chase. Bad men will do what ever they have to in order to get what they want. It's sad when they hurt women in the process.

Maybe if both men and women learned to play fair

I don't believe hurting women is in the process. I believe hurting women is what they want.