Beyond Delicious: Same Title Challenge (sort of)

[The Mystery Valiant]

Wooooooow!

thank you so much for putting up the links MV, you rock

First time anybody said that about me! Mucho Grande Gracias! And forty million thnx as well!

 

[wildsweetone]

thank you for taking the time to add the links to all the poems. i read through and found i'd missed a couple, so they are much appreciated.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

wildsweetone critique

Oh absolutely beautiful! That is probably one of the most exquisite critiques I have ever seen or heard! Although it does leave me up in the air about some things, it has all the correct intentions within it! I felt absolutely no emnity or malice and I do get a feeling of straight forward honesty. I took that critique and pasted it in a document to examine as much as possible. I may seem enthusiastic, but I'm more intent on this. Maybe we can discuss this a little more as it is good, just kind of blank in certain points. Your concern is not only noted, but I will divine every solemn word and point that you have made. You know, you should look at doing this professioanlly.

 

[wildsweetone]

Oh absolutely beautiful! That is probably one of the most exquisite critiques I have ever seen or heard! Although it does leave me up in the air about some things, it has all the correct intentions within it! I felt absolutely no emnity or malice and I do get a feeling of straight forward honesty. I took that critique and pasted it in a document to examine as much as possible. I may seem enthusiastic, but I'm more intent on this. Maybe we can discuss this a little more as it is good, just kind of blank in certain points. Your concern is not only noted, but I will divine every solemn word and point that you have made. You know, you should look at doing this professioanlly.

i don't know about exquisite - i found it hard to put into words what i feel when i read your poetry. but i am glad i didn't offend you.

i don't mind discussing it in the least. if you like, you can put your poem into the Poetry in Progress - Construction Zone thread - but be warned, if you put it there you will receive other feedback from other poets - all willing to help. it's a good thing because they most likely will say things in a more legible manner than me.

or, we can converse via PM, or perhaps you can put your poem here and my comments and we can go from there...

(i'll check in again in a few hours)

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Ah yes, but thought and reflection first.

I have said exquisite and I stand by that. In this I have no doubt! You see, I face critcism almost every day, and most of it is malicious and severe. I do have one of my poem's in the "Construction Zone" already. So if you're inclined to, check it out. Believe me, I know I'm a novice, but I really hate obnoxious, officious, titled "know-it-alls"! I like real people. And you just made my "real" list. Rare and few! It's very important that people face each other and tell the truth up front and personally. And for the few friends I have, they are not hidden in the dark recesses of my life.

You know, I get the feeling that this is a little too much. I'm sorry! But I love to write. And sometimes I just give too much. but don't doubt that what you said in your critique is "just something". I rarely see good stuff, and it makes me change and search. Something I just find rewarding, always.

As for your suggestions, already working on it.

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks to all you apple-pickin poets for your RVC's. You're all very kind and you rock. ... P.S. WSO ... iambic rhyming poetry is fun to write!

 

[wildsweetone]

I have said exquisite and I stand by that. In this I have no doubt! You see, I face critcism almost every day, and most of it is malicious and severe. I do have one of my poem's in the "Construction Zone" already. So if you're inclined to, check it out. Believe me, I know I'm a novice, but I really hate obnoxious, officious, titled "know-it-alls"! I like real people. And you just made my "real" list. Rare and few! It's very important that people face each other and tell the truth up front and personally. And for the few friends I have, they are not hidden in the dark recesses of my life.

You know, I get the feeling that this is a little too much. I'm sorry! But I love to write. And sometimes I just give too much. but don't doubt that what you said in your critique is "just something". I rarely see good stuff, and it makes me change and search. Something I just find rewarding, always.

As for your suggestions, already working on it.

i will never know it all. lol i've so much to learn!

i'll have a look at the other thread and see what you've put up.



Champ... i might have to take your word on that. maybe i'll give it a go (i can't remember if i've tried it or not now).

 

[Maria2394]

yo, Anna!!

Im back, damn, hard work feels soooo good and itfeels better when its over. I will submit my poems sometime this week when I have time to modify them.

I missed ALL you fruity poets!!!

xoxox



maria

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

First Shot, critique enhanced

I put this together after WSone's criticsim and want to see if I improved it.

“Empire” Heft

At 4 and sometimes 3 in the morning.
Made of the chattering din by,
early prayer.
Nudging the bright,
centric child to rise.
Come to give courage and favor.
Encore the days all,
before winged, lithe soaring.
Announce to soothe bright, windy sigh.
Sleep was by lost dreams
thoughts that waver
all the way through to creations tides.

No bordered thought to alter this racket.
Awakening beat of my sleeping
heart,
unbound and uncoiled to match it.
Once the spoiled avian contest.
Now the social node
art.
Just a creature guile to test it!


The Mystery Valiant
7-11-2006

 

[clutching_calliope]

Thanks Anna

.....

 

[wildsweetone]

I put this together after WSone's criticsim and want to see if I improved it.

“Empire” Heft

At 4 and sometimes 3 in the morning.
Made of the chattering din by,
early prayer.
Nudging the bright,
centric child to rise.
Come to give courage and favor.
Encore the days all,
before winged, lithe soaring.
Announce to soothe bright, windy sigh.
Sleep was by lost dreams
thoughts that waver
all the way through to creations tides.

No bordered thought to alter this racket.
Awakening beat of my sleeping
heart,
unbound and uncoiled to match it.
Once the spoiled avian contest.
Now the social node
art.
Just a creature guile to test it!


The Mystery Valiant
7-11-2006

TMV i wonder if it will help if i break it down... here's my questions for the first stanza. i know i'm meant to read poetry as a 'whole' first, but if i can't understand something i tend to try to brake it down into understandable bits. when i still don't understand those bits, it seems to come across as a jumbled mess that causes chaos in my brain and i have no idea what i've read. just because you have used words that are easy for me to understand doesn't mean i can understand them if they are not put in an order that i can gather meaning from. does that make sense to you? it's hard for me to explain.
it sure sounds like i am a 'dumbed down reader' and maybe that is the case here, but as yet i'm not sure.

anyway, let's see if i can break it down...


At 4 and sometimes 3 in the morning. - what happens then? you finish the sentence without saying.

Made of the chattering din by,
early prayer. -what was made of the chattering din? or was the chattering din, the early morning prayer?

Nudging the bright,
centric child to rise. - okay this makes sense.

Come to give courage and favor. - who is coming, or has come?

Encore the days all,
before winged, lithe soaring. - i think i understand this.

Announce to soothe bright, windy sigh. -who announces what? or is it the sigh that announces and sooths?

Sleep was by lost dreams
thoughts that waver
all the way through to creations tides. - i think i understand this.


does any of what i've said make sense to you?

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Ok, then....

Actually the answer for all of it is right outside your window at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. Sometimes in the summer they get so loud that it's a cacophony of bird's at an oratory loud enough to keep you from sleeping. The best that I can figure..., it's their time of prayer's. This should explain the whole of the poem.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Ok, then....

Mmmmmm. Somehow the ol' double post got by me. Give me some time and I'll think of something to fill this boo-bers.

 

[wildsweetone]

Actually the answer for all of it is right outside your window at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. Sometimes in the summer they get so loud that it's a cacophony of bird's at an oratory loud enough to keep you from sleeping. The best that I can figure..., it's their time of prayer's. This should explain the whole of the poem.

ah that explains a lot. i rarely hear the crickets as the cicadas in my head tend to outdo any other noise around. i will spend a day or two looking at this poem again. thank you for your patience.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Not patience....

Just interest and willingness. Since we don't have that many crickets and I really heard any cicadas of any major colony here, I haven't really been caught in that kind of noise. But here in Colorado, when it's hot in summwer and you don't have AC, you leave the windows open for the cool air. But when it gets to be early morning, You can't sleep for the power of the songs that come from the birds! All during the rest of the day,they don't carry as powerfula song. They just seemto be on the job. But at the threat of sunrise..., it's they robbed the music stores and grabbed all the PA's and amplfiers and lost it and went completely nuts! From 1 on the stereo reciver to a sudden 12 in the morning. I have to shut the windows so I can get back to sleep!

 

[wildsweetone]

Just interest and willingness. Since we don't have that many crickets and I really heard any cicadas of any major colony here, I haven't really been caught in that kind of noise. But here in Colorado, when it's hot in summwer and you don't have AC, you leave the windows open for the cool air. But when it gets to be early morning, You can't sleep for the power of the songs that come from the birds! All during the rest of the day,they don't carry as powerfula song. They just seemto be on the job. But at the threat of sunrise..., it's they robbed the music stores and grabbed all the PA's and amplfiers and lost it and went completely nuts! From 1 on the stereo reciver to a sudden 12 in the morning. I have to shut the windows so I can get back to sleep!

oh i see, our birds don't begin until dawn here which at the moment is about 5.15am

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

That is strange

I've traveled to a few other states and the birds started before the sun even throws the first ray of light over the horizon. I just thought it was something that happened the same the world over. But now I have to contemplate even more of why this seems to only happen when I'm around. I would like to know if others have experienced this type of avian behavior. I doubt that I would get much response here. Maybe in the GB? Although there, it's almost like being a mackeral amongst a gathering of Shark's.

Which brings up an interesting question. Yeah, I just checked it out, it is a school of sharks. So then, Why do they give different names to gatherings of different animals on land? But then the water-bourne creatures are all called school's. I mean a school of shark's? How unlike and bellicose a statement that is.

Anywho, how strange that I would make a poem of that nature, only to find how it comes to differ form others experiences. Needs more study.

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>
Which brings up an interesting question. Yeah, I just checked it out, it is a school of sharks. So then, Why do they give different names to gatherings of different animals on land? But then the water-bourne creatures are all called school's. I mean a school of shark's? How unlike and bellicose a statement that is. </snip>

I didn't think calling a group of sharks a "school" was quite right so I googled it and have discovered that this gathering is called a "shiver".

How poetic! It's evocative and an alliterative term. Thanks for giving me the chance to learn this. It's definitely grist for the poetry mill.

 

[DennisMenace]

Shiver?

Danger, the edge of the nerves ... passion ..... the shark metaphor .... hmmmmm