Best way to encourage spouse to lose weight?

[Guest]

I need help. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. We are both 28 yrs old. We dated in high school, then off and on till we got married. She was a cheerleader and still is very pretty.

To make long story short, since the marriage she has really put on a lot of weight. I mean like nearly 100lbs. I love her dearly, and aside from cosmetic reasons, I am worried about her health. There is some history of breast cancer in her family and we are soon to be starting a family. I know the extra weight is not healthy. I try to keep trim. (5'10"@170) I work out and have tried to get her to with no luck.

How can I tell her this, without hurting her feelings.

Thnks!

 

[Monazwx]

Not to be intrusive, but how big is she? If she's tall, the weight gain won't be that damaging. However, if it's possible that her health might be affected, the first thing to monitor maybe her diet before you tackle the lack of exercise thing. Also, is she under additional stress lately, like a promotion or sudden change of lifestyle? That can change the metabolism as well.

Before you do anything, talk with her (carefully) about what's happening in her life. Then break the news about your concern for her weight. BE CAREFUL though, weight, esp. women's weight is a very touchy and delicate subject.

(I'd wait for some more responses from the women before you do anything. I've never been on a diet.)

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the response.

She is 5'6" roughly. I would say when we first got married she was around 130lbs or so. Very sexy. Long brown hair, 36B and unbelievable legs! She now is a ??DD ( I like that part) To guess the weight...220?? Not really sure. I hate the fact that I am afraid to mention it to her. The change really started after we were married and she got on the pill. I understand that is a bad side effect. She has been off it for nearly a year now.

Thnks Again!
JD

 

[Amfig]

Before you do anything, talk with her (carefully) about what's happening in her life. Then break the news about your concern for her weight. BE CAREFUL though, weight, esp. women's weight is a very touchy and delicate subject.

Damn right. My experience would be that the appropriate response to a woman's question "Do these jeans make my ass look fat" is:

I have the right to remain silent.
Anything I say can and will be used against me.
I have the right to an attorney. But said attorney will have no more idea as to how to answer that question than I do.

Print that out and stick it in your wallet.

 

[GreenEyedGodess]

Thanks for the response.

She is 5'6" roughly. I would say when we first got married she was around 130lbs or so. Very sexy. Long brown hair, 36B and unbelievable legs! She now is a ??DD ( I like that part) To guess the weight...220?? Not really sure. I hate the fact that I am afraid to mention it to her. The change really started after we were married and she got on the pill. I understand that is a bad side effect. She has been off it for nearly a year now.

Thnks Again!
JD

The pill doesn't make you gain that much weight! I'm on it, and still too skinny, by most standards. I would suggest talking to a doctor, and having your wife take a thyroid test. Generally when women gain a lot of weight( More than 30 lbs.) it's because their thyroid becomes underactive.

 

[Lust Engine]

There's that old adage about leading a horse to water but can't make it drink and that's what you might be up against. But by no means stop trying. Keep trying. Stay positive in the face of it all. Give her all the right reasons for losing the weight- her health, her looks, your preference and if there are kids involved, I'm sure they love to have their mom around for years to come too.

Keep supremely positive because she can get awfully defensive about her own body image. She probably knows that she isn't as thin as she used to be & I'd be willing to bet that she is 99.9% not too happy about it. She knows already. She's not stupid but she might be in so deep, she might not know how to get off the weight gain train.

Cook healthier for her if you must. If she loses one pound, praise her. If she gains one pound, re-assure her that she'll lose it. Let her know you'll still continue to love her and let her know that while it might seem selfish on your part... you want her around.

Don't give up on her health. Don't YOU be discouraged. Rome wasn't built in a day & you're not going to be able to shed her pounds for her.

 

[MissVictoria]

A touchy subject. Why not suggest that you BOTH watch what you eat, and start exercising together? Make it seem like it is an option, not a demand, and if you want her to put forth the extra effort toward this, be sure to let her know that you are willing to put forth effort as well.

 

[horny_giraffe]

Touchy subject though it might be, she will probably make an attempt to lose weight if you push her a little. Motivation is not all intrinsic. Social pressure can be a very effective motivator.

Among Christian's, there's an expression: "Hate the sin and not the sinner."

If you bug her, you will be probably be the bad guy. But you can help her and shoulder some responsibility, or you can wash your hands of the whole deal and maintain your "innocence." The choice is up to you.

Be assertive, not controlling. In assertiveness training, they say use "I" statements. That means, keep the focus on what you want--not what she is. You might say " I would like you to lose weight. I am uncomfortable with your weight as it is. I don't feel that it is fair that you don't look after yourself the way that I do."

Remember also that she cannot change who she is, only what she will become.

 

[hockeymandan]

I don't really have any sound advice for you, I just think you're playin with some serious fire here. I mean, I've been with plenty of women who weren't fat in ANY WAY, and they all thought they were fat and were constantly worrying about it. I can only imagine how they would have taken it if I ever said I thought they were fat too. The way I see it, I'm sure your wife realizes she's put on the weight too, especially if she used to be a hot cheerleader. And I'm guessing she's not at all happy about it, and probably extremely self-conscious of it. And I also realize YOUR concerns, but I'm thinking that one of the worst things you can do at this point is bring this up to her. I realize being overweight is unhealthy and all, but you two are still young and have plenty of time to worry about your health and get in shape.

I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes here. I mean, imagine if there was something about you that you hated and were really embarrassed about. Imagine thinking about it every single day and hating it every single day. And then imagine the person you love most in the world telling you they didn't like that part of you either, regardless of the reasons. I just think that would be devastating. But that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong. Whatever you do, proceed with caution...

 

[ClubIrish]

Tough One...

This is indeed a tough situation. I think the most important thing right now like a lot of people have already said is to communicate with your wife. She knows that she has gained weight, no doubt, but you need to talk with her now, otherwise resentment will start to build and and then communication becomes a slippery slope.

Stress to her the health reasons and your concern for her, and emphasize this is something you guys are going to do together.

Get healthy before you guys start a family otherwise things will just get worse. Hope this helps.

 

[nipple_vixen]

Maybe it's GLUTEN?

I have (for health reasons) had to stop eating foods with gluten in them. This means anything with wheat flour including cereals, breads (whine), muffins, bagels, baked goods, PASTA..etc.

After thinking I would surely die, I was introduced to items made with RICE FLOUR. No gluten in that.
I still eat all the same foods, it is just that I make them with this alternative flour that I buy at a health food store. It is a mixture of rice flour, arrowroot, tapioca & a couple other things. I sustitute it for "regular" flour more or less in my cooking.
Also, there is BROWN Rice Flour Pasta. it is fantastic. (really). and is less filling than regular pastas.
If you go to the health food section in the grocery store or a heath food store, you will see you can buy gluten-free waffles, pasta, bread, pizza crust, just about anything.
You may have to try several brands, as some are rather bland.
I seriously believe that not having the gluten in these products is what has resulted in me dropping & maintaining a 30 lb. weight loss for about a year now. Like I said, I still eat the SAME foods, just no gluten.
It's worth a try.
Good Luck!
NV

 

[capricious_chic]

I am not sure if my advice will be helpful, but my two cents is that unless it is affecting your marriage, leave it be.

She knows she has gained weight. Unless SHE wants to lose weight it won't happen. Regardless of what you do or say, SHE has to be the one who wants it.

I am sure she has thought of all the medical reasons why she may have gained weight, ie thyroid, birth control, etc. Sometimes when one starts gaining weight they become so depressed about it that it becomes a downward spiral that they feel there is no escape from.. thus they continue to gain more. When loved ones, friends, and family members point it out, more shame is brought into the persons life.

If your marriage is strong, you should be able to have an open and honest discussion about it. Remember that you need to emphasize that you LOVE her regardless of what her weight is. Once she feels comfortable about discussing it, then you can move forward to making goals.

She didn't gain the weight in just a year, and it may take years to shed the pounds.

 

[lilpriss]

Ok, I'm going to tell you something...

Weight is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation....

I have been involved with one man who knew how to "notice" that I'd gained weight... not ALOT of weight... just a couple of pounds and he didn't offend me at all. BUT <and I emphasize that word> he didn't wait until it got out of control either. And it wasn't a vocal type rude or demeaning thing... it was just that he "noticed" and it would usually be him stating that he felt like he'd gained a couple of pounds and maybe we should take a walk... or he'd run his hands over my body and whether he was saying, "I feel those extra pounds" or my mind was thinking, "OMG he feels those three pounds"... I 'll never know, BUT I stayed pretty much the same size for the year and a half we were together.

Now fast forward... I got involved with another man later... a year into the relationship and one hundred and 4 pounds later, he still said he loved me no matter what my weight... BUT I got the distinct impression that he was unhappy with my weight... all he did was look at me certain ways that showed me exactly what he felt... like he was dissapointed or condescending. Not that it was his fault... other things factored in but the situation was just different I can't put it down exactly but when I started to lose the weight he didn't notice that either which really really pissed me off. I only have about 40 pounds to go before I am back where I'd started. And we aren't together anymore.

All of this rambling may not help... I'm just saying you have to tread lightly because you can make or break her weight loss success.

Another point... the second man's sex drive waned big time... like down to ZERO sex... whereas the first would become more agressive when I'd gained a couple of pounds... maybe the extra "workout" helped.

Whatever you do, don't look at her with pity in your eyes. She won't start to feel better about herself if you pity her.

 

[GreenEyedGodess]

This may sound crude, please don't take it that way!

Continue to make love to her like nothing has changed! Like .lilpriss said, that extra "workout" may help!

The times of my life when I've been in just incredible shape, was when I was in a very sexually agressive relationship

 

[Ms_Lilith]

The first thing I'd like to comment on, is that, if your wife is on the WRONG KIND of pill, she CAN gain quite a bit of weight. I first started taking the pill, and I went on some pill that just fucked with my body chemistry in a bad way. I gained like 35 lbs from it, and then decided to change the pill. I then went on Loestrin, which was good for me, I lost the weight, my period became lighter, and I didn't have ANY PMS. None. Then I went on Minestrin, cus it's safer for those who have a high risk of breast cancer. Gained the weight again. So I went back on Loestrin, and now I'm on depo, and I'm dropping weight.

However, the pill might not be the reason she's gaining weight. The stress of marriage could be it (not that it's a bad thing, just maybe something she was unprepared for) or work, or personal issues that she doesn't want to bother you with. Maybe she's stressed about the thought of having kids?

If you're really sure you want to talk to her about it, bring up the subject of having kids, and then mention that you're worried about her. IT's going to hurt her, and there's no way to avoid that, but if you are truly doing it for the sake of her health, she WILL realize it, when she's done being mad at you.

And PLEASE don't take horny_giraffe's advice. That is SO not the way to handle this. Trust me. I've been on the receiving end of that kind of shit. It don't work. It makes the woman hurt, and it makes the man look like an asshole, and it also comes across as incredibly insensitive.. like MY weight has a bearing on his happiness, and like he won't love me unless MY weight is below a certain marker. That's bunk.

Each person is different. Some women might bow to hg's kind of 'assertiveness' and they might become active. When I had that kind of approach before, I just took that kind of comment, and buried it deep inside, and let it fester. It made me gain more weight, because I'm an emotional eater. Now, I would probably say 'take me as I am or get the hell out the door'. And then I might decide whether his comments had merit, and work on them for ME. But he would be out for good. Why? Because he came across as an insensitive prick.

 

[huskie]

My wife is heavey. I't don't bother me that much except it bothers her. The worst thing is she don't FEEL sexy no matter how much I tell her she is.
She decided to start working out. So, I started working out with her. This really helped. When she didn't feel like it I'd push her and when I didn't feel like it she'd push me. I sugest what ever yall do, do it together..... weahter it be walking, dieting, or going to the gym..... do it together.

and it's more fun that way to

 

[Willing and Unsure]

My wife is heavey. I't don't bother me that much except it bothers her. The worst thing is she don't FEEL sexy no matter how much I tell her she is.
She decided to start working out. So, I started working out with her. This really helped. When she didn't feel like it I'd push her and when I didn't feel like it she'd push me. I sugest what ever yall do, do it together..... weahter it be walking, dieting, or going to the gym..... do it together.

and it's more fun that way to

definitely good advice on working together on it. it lets her know you care if you're willing to do it with her. from what you said of her turning you down for a workout or wahtever, she could be saying that she doesnt want you to know that she's no longer out of shape (i.e. she gets winded easily). I know that's why I go running alone when I go. I dont want anyone to know that after 3 blocks I'm huffing and puffing like there's no tomorrow, but I still finish my run.

Vixenshe has it right though, talk to her, there could be a lot of things going into this. the pill may be one of htem, even if she has stopped taking it. Her eating and exercising habits are giong to be the same after as they were while she was on it. she's also right how you should NOT take horny giraffe's advice. a friend of mine said to me once "I think you would get more dates and have more friends if you lost weight" and since he said that to me, I dont talk to him much. I dont want to be told how I should look to have friends or a date on the weekend.

you may want to try asking her how she feels about everything. she may be unhappy and just doesnt know where to go for help.

 

[huskie]

a friend of mine said to me once "I think you would get more dates and have more friends if you lost weight" and since he said that to me, I dont talk to him much. I dont want to be told how I should look to have friends or a date on the weekend.

ooooooo I can realate to that!! A buddy of mine said to me once " Damn, Huskie (not my real name of course) you could get any girl you want.... If you were taller

I'm 5'-3"

well.. I still talk to him. theres not a fucking thing I can do about my highth or lack there of.

 

[lilpriss]

Damn, people can be insensitive!

Even our own families, sometimes they are the worst!

My mother once stated (when I said I felt like a "heifer") that a "heifer is a BABY cow". In other words I just looked like a cow. I do still talk to her though.

I sometimes wish everyone had vision like the dude on that movie "Shallow Hal".

Or better yet, I think it would be great if everyone would quit being so concerned with other's shortcomings and focus on what's wrong with themselves.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Damn, people can be insensitive!

I sometimes wish everyone had vision like the dude on that movie "Shallow Hal".

Or better yet, I think it would be great if everyone would quit being so concerned with other's shortcomings and focus on what's wrong with themselves.

the things that have been said in this thread is a good reason why I dont go out of my way trying to lose any of my extra weight. I'm happy with me and I know that the date I get on the weekend is gonna be with a guy that likes me for me.. not the way my ass looks in a pair of skin tight pants. and that's not to mention I'm happy with my social life.

and Huskie, the height thing isnt that big of a deal. it's just remembering not to wear the platform shoes around you that would be *smiles*

and lilpriss, nobody wants to look at what's wrong with themselves because then they have to admit that they've got something of their own to actually deal wtih. I know what my downfalls are, but I'm not going to change for someone else, and I dont expect anyone to change for me.

 

[leelee29]

As an overweight woman myself....I can tell you that unless she decides to lose weight for herself....it has little chance of working. Of course...being the loving wife she is....she will probably try to lose weight for you...and that is the wrong reason. I feel pretty confident that she's not happy with herself and her body image, and the slightest hint that you're not happy may make things worse. I feel the best thing to do is make her feel beautiful. Tell her out of the blue that she's the most beautiful person in the world. Make her feel sexy. Buy her sexy lingerie. Wine her and dine her. Buy little gifts or send flowers for no reason. Leave little notes around for her to find. Make her feel good about herself...and in time she may want to make things even better by improving herself. If she knows that you are there for her no matter what she looks like, then dieting will be a lot less stressful on her. And she will be doing it for the right reason.....herself. When she does go on the diet and exercise, join her. It is a lot easier to diet and exercise if you have someone with you for support and encouragement. BC could also be playing a major role in her weight gain. Might be worth checking into.

 

[horny_giraffe]

Ok, I'm going to tell you something...

Weight is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation....

Right.

You can shut up about your feelings about your wife's increasing weight, and let her get bigger and bigger. If you say nothing, she will no-doubt get larger. She's already doing that. She might eventually get tired of being overweight, but I wouldn't count on it. It's a lot of work to lose weight, and it's much more fun to eat tasty treats.

Hearing from all of the BBW here at Literotica is leading me to believe that your situation is almost completely hopeless, unregistered guy.

Evidently, diet and exercise are out-moded ways of losing weight. Maybe some chemicals could help. Or maybe you can give her a tapeworm.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Right.

You can shut up about your feelings about your wife's increasing weight, and let her get bigger and bigger. If you say nothing, she will no-doubt get larger. She's already doing that. She might eventually get tired of being overweight, but I wouldn't count on it. It's a lot of work to lose weight, and it's much more fun to eat tasty treats.

Hearing from all of the BBW here at Literotica is leading me to believe that your situation is almost completely hopeless, unregistered guy.

Evidently, diet and exercise are out-moded ways of losing weight. Maybe some chemicals could help. Or maybe you can give her a tapeworm.

k, dickweed, we said nothing against diet and excercise, we said something against your "assertive" comments, which were egocentric and insensitive.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Right.

You can shut up about your feelings about your wife's increasing weight, and let her get bigger and bigger. If you say nothing, she will no-doubt get larger. She's already doing that. She might eventually get tired of being overweight, but I wouldn't count on it. It's a lot of work to lose weight, and it's much more fun to eat tasty treats.

Hearing from all of the BBW here at Literotica is leading me to believe that your situation is almost completely hopeless, unregistered guy.

Evidently, diet and exercise are out-moded ways of losing weight. Maybe some chemicals could help. Or maybe you can give her a tapeworm.

shut up asswipe. you are missing out on a lot. if he goes about approaching this with his wife, he's going to really hurt her feelings and then she'll resent him and eventually it will kill their marriage.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

As an overweight woman myself....I can tell you that unless she decides to lose weight for herself....it has little chance of working. Of course...being the loving wife she is....she will probably try to lose weight for you...and that is the wrong reason. I feel pretty confident that she's not happy with herself and her body image, and the slightest hint that you're not happy may make things worse. I feel the best thing to do is make her feel beautiful. Tell her out of the blue that she's the most beautiful person in the world. Make her feel sexy. Buy her sexy lingerie. Wine her and dine her. Buy little gifts or send flowers for no reason. Leave little notes around for her to find. Make her feel good about herself...and in time she may want to make things even better by improving herself. If she knows that you are there for her no matter what she looks like, then dieting will be a lot less stressful on her. And she will be doing it for the right reason.....herself. When she does go on the diet and exercise, join her. It is a lot easier to diet and exercise if you have someone with you for support and encouragement. BC could also be playing a major role in her weight gain. Might be worth checking into.

this is a great idea... making sure she knows you love and care for her no matter what she looks like