Best Lines Ever

[midwestyankee]

"I feel the need, the need for speed."

In three weeks, it will be 25 years since Top Gun was first released.

 

[Chiara_searches]

"I feel the need, the need for speed."

In three weeks, it will be 25 years since Top Gun was first released.

I was going to say thanks for making me feel old, but the other day I was thinking about going to the movie theater when I was a freshman in high school to see An Officer and a Gentleman. That made me feel old.

 

[midwestyankee]

I was going to say thanks for making me feel old, but the other day I was thinking about going to the movie theater when I was a freshman in high school to see An Officer and a Gentleman. That made me feel old.

Sorry, kiddo, but you don't have the monopoly on being made to feel old by memories of movies. When I first saw An Officer and a Gentleman, we were expecting our first child and I had already become a thirty-something.

 

[TimberRattler]

[in the washroom stall, looking at hieroglyphics on the wall]

JFK: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty."
Elvis: Say what?
JFK: Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it.

~ BubbaHo-Tep

Elvis: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife 'cilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was

[pause]

I hadn't had a hard-on in years.

 

[Lord_Michael]

Col. Wilhelm Wexler (Armin Meuller-Stahl

"That is the difference between fiction and life: fiction has to make sense."

The International

 

[TimberRattler]

Oddball: Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?

Moriarty: Crap!




Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your moment of glory. And you're chickening out!

Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three tigers!





Big Joe: [shouting in the radio] Look, Mulligan! I don't think I'm getting through to you! You're dropping your damn barrage on our position! The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars at your end, and they're dropping here, on our end! No, the Krauts are not here! We're here! Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our head! I don't know where the Krauts are! Just lift your goddamn barrage! Over!





Big Joe: According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.

Kelly: Yeah, well there's a bridge right here, six miles out.

Big Joe: There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.

Kelly: A-ah. Intelligence reports that the Air Corps knocking'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding'em by night. Now all we have to do is get there tomorrow morning at dawn, and we got ourselves a bridge.

Big Joe: Oh, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge, eh Kelly?

Kelly: Probably.




from Kelly's Heroes

 

[fatang]

Evelle: Do these blow into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well, no, unless round is funny.

~ Raising Arizona

 

[Lord_Michael]

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello

LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' names on
the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to
know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays
very peculiar names, nicknames, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team
we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows
on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base!

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How did I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know!

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know!

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh, he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm telling you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know!

BUD & LOU: (Very quickly) THIRD BASE!!

LOU: You got a catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all St. Louis has - a couple of days on their team?

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, tomorrow's pitching on
the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the
guy out on first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: Is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't; you throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't! You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now, take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs
to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know.
I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's
on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD: What did you say?

LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

The Naughty Nineties

 

[rekane]

Elf

Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

~~~~~​

It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...

~~~~~​

I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite

~~~~~​

You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.
You sit on a throne of lies.

~~~~~​

Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!

~~~~~​

It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

~Juno~

********

Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
[grabs products]
Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.

********

Punk Receptionist: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno MacGuff: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

********


Juno MacGuff: Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."


********

Juno MacGuff: Hey, Dad.
Mac MacGuff: Hey, big puffy version of June bug. Where you been?
Juno MacGuff: Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

 

[Lord_Michael]

Captain Renault (Claude Rains)

"Round up the usual suspects."

Casablanca

 

[Lord_Michael]

Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen)

"Life has a way of making the foreseeable that which never happens, and the unforeseeable that which your life becomes."

Appaloosa

 

[RunningJib]

From The Heist

"My Mother Fucker is so cool, sheep count him"

The Heist

 

[DehviantGirl]

Pulp Fiction

"Naw, man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay."

Butch Coolidge Marsellus

 

[Felix_Jones]

Avi: "Why do they call him the Bullet Dodger?"
Tony: "Because he dodges bullets, Avi."

 

[JamieJ424]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!

 

[Lord_Michael]

Verbal Kint/Kaiser Soze (Kevin Spacey)

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world that he didn't exist."

The Usual Suspects

 

[Maidinusa]

Man: "I came as soon as I got your call"
Karen: "Honey, I'm flattered, but that's really none of my business."

Karen on "Will&Grace"

 

[Keroin]

"Get away from her you BITCH!"

-Ripley, "Aliens"

 

[Felix_Jones]

You put Gorgeous George into a fight with a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion? What did you expect? A grease-down and a shiatsu?

 

[Cattypuss]

Here hare here

(Uncle Monty)

 

[TimberRattler]

Kurtz: Are you an assassin?

Willard: I'm a Soldier.

Kurtz: You're neither. You're an errand boy. Sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.



from Apocalypse Now

 

[CaresseDArcy]

Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.

Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?

Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.

Harry Burns: What?

Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.

Harry Burns: Why not?

Sally Albright: Because of God.


"David St. Hubbins: [singing] Big bottom, big bottom / Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!"

 

[Lord_Michael]

Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

"Well there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade."

Casablanca (to the Nazi major)

 

[midwestyankee]

"Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."

"If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogshit out of Hong Kong."

"That was some of the best flying I've seen yet. Right up to the point where you got killed."

Top Gun