Beginning of the End

[Miss Oatlash]

if i may...

i merely want to say that a lot of people would not have handled the situation and the reason for your absence from this thread with half the compassion you're clearly demonstrating. i hope this isn't the first time someone is telling you this.

ed

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

 

[grrrowl]

I can say that obviously going to be a mixed back of feelings on both sides. There is resentment, and loneliness, and guilt, and sadness, and anger, and disbelief... and so much more.

As someone recently on the receiving end (...we'll be filing the papers next week...) I can say that I definitely feel the hurt, and she should expect that, but she is trying to be civil and (as) caring (as possible). Sometimes that hurts more, but... I'm gradually learning that it will be better for both of us in the future.

Time heals, and constant support from friends and family are essential.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

I can say that obviously going to be a mixed back of feelings on both sides. There is resentment, and loneliness, and guilt, and sadness, and anger, and disbelief... and so much more.

As someone recently on the receiving end (...we'll be filing the papers next week...) I can say that I definitely feel the hurt, and she should expect that, but she is trying to be civil and (as) caring (as possible). Sometimes that hurts more, but... I'm gradually learning that it will be better for both of us in the future.

Time heals, and constant support from friends and family are essential.

Very insightful.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier on her if I just turned into a bitch and stopped caring. I can understand how being caring and civil can sometimes hurt more. It might be easier for her to blame me if I'm mean and hurtful. But that's not me...I can't do that.

My therapist believes that every relationship has developmental cycles in which the partners re-evaluate what works and what doesn't. Sometimes it works out; sometimes it doesn't.

 

[Bandit58]

I can say that obviously going to be a mixed back of feelings on both sides. There is resentment, and loneliness, and guilt, and sadness, and anger, and disbelief... and so much more.

As someone recently on the receiving end (...we'll be filing the papers next week...) I can say that I definitely feel the hurt, and she should expect that, but she is trying to be civil and (as) caring (as possible). Sometimes that hurts more, but... I'm gradually learning that it will be better for both of us in the future.

Time heals, and constant support from friends and family are essential.

*sigh* It's never easy to tell someone you're leaving, especially after a long relationship. I was married for over 23 years and by the end I was totally fed up with the putdowns and being taken for granted but I still did not want to hurt him more than I had to It started out as relatively civil but over the months working out the separation agreement things gradually went downhill so now we hardly speak and we live in different countries. Though at my father's funeral last week we did manage to be polite to each other and he has mellowed since he got a new girlfriend

My parents were not happy that we'd split up. My mother actually told me that she thought I was silly for leaving, as she put it, "a good man". She had no idea what went on behind the scenes. He was an emotional bully, a little boy who had never grown up. He was selfish in bed and impatient with me because I did not respond to him. He said there was something wrong with me because I didn't want or enjoy sex. He was jealous and posessive. In the end I just could not take it anymore.

I know it upset my father but he never said anything bad to me about it, and I'm glad I had the chance to tell him how happy I am now with Gil in Australia, before he passed away. I had too many years of trying to make everyone happy except myself, and now I look back and I can't believe how long I put up with it.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

*sigh* ~snip~ I had too many years of trying to make everyone happy except myself ~snip~

That's exactly how I feel. Thanks.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

I'm a chicken...that's all there is to it. As much as I want to end this relationship and go on with my life, I keep 'trying' to make it work because it would just be a pain in the ass to separate two lives that have benn intertwined for 20+ years. And that's absolutely the wrong reason to stay!!!!

(I wish there was a chicken icon!)

 

[AngelicAnguish]

Seperating two lives will always be difficult as everyone has said here. It's time though you thought of yourself. Do you want to be faced with the emotions you feel now another 10 or 20 years down the road?

If you seperate now it's going to hurt, it's going to be a pain in the arse to get on your own feet, BUT in time you will start to feel better, you will realize how much you have neglected yourself to make everyone else happy.

There comes a point in our lives we must look after ourselves, and while others may get hurt along the way you must take comfort in the fact that it is not your intention to hurt them. Living in misery though for the next 20 years would be hell for everyone involved.

Good luck with it all. Follow your heart to what you know to be right for yourself, and for your partner.

 

[silverwhisper]

my dear ms. oatlash:

i believe that what you are doing here is the emotional equivalent of picking at a scab. yes, it feels good to do right now, but when you do it, you are delaying the important process of healing this wound. you even know that it's true.

i know that this is a hard thing to do. i know that this will hurt. and i know that on some level, it feels that this is right.

that said, it isn't what is right for you though, is it? and what will you say to yourself five years down the line?

ed

 

[Miss Oatlash]

I keep wondering the same thing...what will I feel 5 years from now? But, HELL, I might not even be ALIVE 5 years from now!

If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer today, and given only 2 years to live, would I live them like I'm living them now? Or wouid I bolt out the door and spend those 2 years doing something entirely different?

The problem is: I can't answer the question!

 

[Miss Oatlash]

A poem I'm piddling with...seemed appropriate for this thread:

Extraction

In my mind it’s so clear:
You get the furniture in the den.
I’ll take the living room.
You get the master bedroom suite.
I’ll take the futon.

I can divide our belongings
fair and equitably
down to the most insignificant
material object.

But tell me, please:
Who gets the heartbreak?
Who takes the blame?
Who gets the guilt?
Who takes the anger?

And which one of us
will keep the little blue vase
that sits by the side of the bed?

 

[silverwhisper]

if you can't answer the question, consider this: would you prefer that she be w/ someone who can appreciate her for who she is?

ed

 

[Miss Oatlash]

if you can't answer the question, consider this: would you prefer that she be w/ someone who can appreciate her for who she is?

ed

Yes, I would. She's a good person. She deserves someone who will love her like she wants to be loved. And someone who desires her sexually.

Geez, you ask good (hard) questions. But thanks. Makes me think. Certainly gives me fodder for the therapist.

 

[silverwhisper]

i have friends going through divorces, so the relevant questions are somewhere near the forefront of my mind. that said, i think you know the answer to the question, though. :> change is hard, but sometimes, the cost of the status quo is too high.

ed

 

[Miss Oatlash]

i have friends going through divorces, so the relevant questions are somewhere near the forefront of my mind. that said, i think you know the answer to the question, though. :> change is hard, but sometimes, the cost of the status quo is too high.

ed

"Change is hard, but sometimes, the cost of the status quo is too high."

Bravo. I never could have expressed it that well.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

What If...

...I could muster the courage to actually give this letter to my partner????

---------------
We touched on the subject of our sexual relationship in therapy a few weeks ago, but we have not discussed it again. Since then, I have been trying to sort out my feelings and I’m not sure how well I can express them verbally. So, I’m writing all of this on paper in hopes that I can use it as a guide to explain it to you.

When I’m with you, all I want to do is see you smile, so I can never bring myself to discuss any of the hard things. I know that is a failure on my part. I’m sorry.

For long time now I have not felt physically attracted to you. Please do not ask me when it started because I cannot pinpoint a time. I just know it has gradually lessened until it is no longer there.

When I told you in January that I wasn’t sure I loved you enough to stay with you for the rest of my life, it had as much to do with the lack of physical attraction as anything else.

I have been telling myself that every relationship ebbs and flows in many ways – physical and otherwise. No one’s relationship maintains a high level of physical intimacy forever. Every relationship has peaks and valleys, and I’ve been struggling to get out of this valley for a long time. I kept hoping that if I just tried harder, it would all get better. And I have felt like a failure and been depressed because I couldn’t ‘fix it’ just by wanting to.

Reading the book together has only made it harder – not easier – for me to express any of this. The book says that if I just try harder…if I understand the truth about love…if I want it bad enough and work at it hard enough, it will all be OK. Reading the book makes me more depressed than ever…

Then Patricia said last week that if we didn’t make it, we were the “two stupidest women she had ever met.” Now I’m not only depressed because I haven’t worked hard enough to fix it, but I’m stupid on top of it all.

I have buried my physical desires for a long time. I have tried to ignore them…thinking that it was best not to feel anything rather than face losing you. The truth is

I kept hoping that loving you would be enough to make up for the lack of physical attraction. But it isn’t. And it’s not fair to you or to me to pretend that it is going to get any better. And it’s not fair to either of us to live the rest of our lives in a platonic relationship.

And I don’t want either of us to end up having an affair. The pain of that would be worse than the pain of this.

I’m sorry…you can’t possibly know how sorry I am.

 

[silverwhisper]

alternately: you could leave a browser session open to the post. :>

ed

 

[Miss Oatlash]

alternately: you could leave a browser session open to the post. :>

ed

hhhhmmmm....

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Clarification

The book I refer to is a book entitled "The Truth about Love" by a pop psychologist named "Pat Love." The woman I refer to as "Patricia" is our therapist....but you knew that...

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Ooops..I forgot:

"The truth is that I am equally attracted to women and men and I am well aware that you will not understand that."

The other truth is...although I will never tell her this part...is that I am having an affair with someone I love dearly.

OK...that may be the deal-breaker...

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Believe it or not, I found the courage to say all of this in one way or another and she still wants to keep trying...she's either a saint or a masochist!

...I could muster the courage to actually give this letter to my partner????

---------------
We touched on the subject of our sexual relationship in therapy a few weeks ago, but we have not discussed it again. Since then, I have been trying to sort out my feelings and I’m not sure how well I can express them verbally. So, I’m writing all of this on paper in hopes that I can use it as a guide to explain it to you.

When I’m with you, all I want to do is see you smile, so I can never bring myself to discuss any of the hard things. I know that is a failure on my part. I’m sorry.

For long time now I have not felt physically attracted to you. Please do not ask me when it started because I cannot pinpoint a time. I just know it has gradually lessened until it is no longer there.

When I told you in January that I wasn’t sure I loved you enough to stay with you for the rest of my life, it had as much to do with the lack of physical attraction as anything else.

I have been telling myself that every relationship ebbs and flows in many ways – physical and otherwise. No one’s relationship maintains a high level of physical intimacy forever. Every relationship has peaks and valleys, and I’ve been struggling to get out of this valley for a long time. I kept hoping that if I just tried harder, it would all get better. And I have felt like a failure and been depressed because I couldn’t ‘fix it’ just by wanting to.

Reading the book together has only made it harder – not easier – for me to express any of this. The book says that if I just try harder…if I understand the truth about love…if I want it bad enough and work at it hard enough, it will all be OK. Reading the book makes me more depressed than ever…

Then Patricia said last week that if we didn’t make it, we were the “two stupidest women she had ever met.” Now I’m not only depressed because I haven’t worked hard enough to fix it, but I’m stupid on top of it all.

I have buried my physical desires for a long time. I have tried to ignore them…thinking that it was best not to feel anything rather than face losing you. The truth is

I kept hoping that loving you would be enough to make up for the lack of physical attraction. But it isn’t. And it’s not fair to you or to me to pretend that it is going to get any better. And it’s not fair to either of us to live the rest of our lives in a platonic relationship.

And I don’t want either of us to end up having an affair. The pain of that would be worse than the pain of this.

I’m sorry…you can’t possibly know how sorry I am.

 

[SweetErika]

Believe it or not, I found the courage to say all of this in one way or another and she still wants to keep trying...she's either a saint or a masochist!

Good for you...I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to express those things. That takes a lot of strength. Perhaps the book and therapist have convinced her it will get better with time and effort. Are you the only one the physical attraction is missing for, or does she feel the same?

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Good for you...I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to express those things. That takes a lot of strength. Perhaps the book and therapist have convinced her it will get better with time and effort. Are you the only one the physical attraction is missing for, or does she feel the same?

Thank you, Sweet Erika. It did take a lot of courage.

And your question is a very interesting one indeed...Like all relationships, it was hot and heavy in the beginning, and also like all relationships, the chemistry waned over time.

The difference for us is that partner was severely sexually abused as a child. Because of that, our physical relationship has never been the focus of our lives. There have been times over the years when there was little or no physical closeness. I know there have been times when she wasn't attracted to me, so it's not just one-sided.

What bothers me most is that I came to realize that I don't care anymore.

 

[mrmgp]

How do you get through the break-up of a 20 year relationship, even when it's what you really want, and you know it needs to happen, but you suffer because you're hurting someone you care for?

A few years ago, I divorced my wife of 11 years. She was my soulmate, but she did some things that torpedoed the marriage, and she basically killed my desire to remain married to her. It felt like part of me had been ripped away, and for months, I was quite literally numb inside. I went through the same coping stages as one would go through with a death. But the old saying "time heals all wounds" has a grain of truth to it. Eventually, I recovered as well as I probably will. There are things I miss about her, but I don't miss her bullshit that destroyed the marriage.

It just takes time to get over the end of a long relationship. You will go through a lot of pain and sadness. It is unavoidable. But it isn't permanent. You will survive.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

The Saga Continues

Yesterday, we came as close to calling it quits as we ever have.* I cannot understand why she cannot accept that it is over.*
*
What part of "I don't love you anymore....I don't feel emotionally, spiritually, intellectually or sexually connected to you" is hard to understand?
*
Every time we get to this point, she ends up saying "You're just depressed.* I'll wait for you to treat your depression and then we will be able to get past this."* I have said - in exactly these words - "I'm depressed because I feel like I have stayed in this relationship because it is the 'right thing to do.' I do not feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
*
The only thing I could do differently at this point is to say, "I will not stay with you for the rest of my life" and then just walk out the door.* I'm afraid that is what it will come to in the end.* My noble efforts to do this 'gently' are probably all for naught.* Except that in the end, I will feel better about myself for trying to do it the gentle way.
*
I had lunch with a friend a few days ago.* She knows both of us very well.* She had an interesting outlook on things.* I was lamenting that one of the reasons it is so hard for me to end this relationship is because I know my partner will not want to remain friends...she willl cut me out of her life completely...and I am sad and conflicted because I *do* love her as a friend and I don't want to lose that part of what we have shared.* My friend agreed that she would react that way - she knows that my partner is a very 'black and white' person, leaving to room for 'gray areas' in life.* But my friend said something that actually makes a lot of sense to me.* She said that this will probably be easier on my partner than on me, because she will just cut me off and move on...In her mind, it will be all my fault and she'll hate me forever but she won't agonize over it.* I never thought of it that way before.* It's actually very comforting.
*
OK, so where are we now?* Still in a holding pattern.* She will not hear me...cannot hear and accept the end.* I am not strong enough yet to just walk out the door.* But I'm closer now than I've ever been.* A lot closer than I was in January, or even last month when I told her the same thing.*
*
I've just had it in my head for a long time that somehow, for some reason, I would have all of this resolved in September.* My friend says I should trust my instincts...and listen to my heart.* I'm trying.
*
As hard as it was, I actually feel very good about it. I was honest, and strong, and I stood up for myself.* I realized that I'm not afraid to leave anymore.* In fact, I very calmly told her that if she wanted me to make a commitment that I was going to be with her forever, then I needed to go ahead and leave because I could not make that commitment.*

It's only a matter of time now...but I knew this would be a long process.

Somehow it makes it easier to be able to post my feelings here...like a diary...thanks for listening.

 

[pink swirl]

I had lunch with a friend a few days ago.* She knows both of us very well.* She had an interesting outlook on things.* I was lamenting that one of the reasons it is so hard for me to end this relationship is because I know my partner will not want to remain friends...she willl cut me out of her life completely...and I am sad and conflicted because I *do* love her as a friend and I don't want to lose that part of what we have shared.* My friend agreed that she would react that way - she knows that my partner is a very 'black and white' person, leaving to room for 'gray areas' in life.* But my friend said something that actually makes a lot of sense to me.* She said that this will probably be easier on my partner than on me, because she will just cut me off and move on...In her mind, it will be all my fault and she'll hate me forever but she won't agonize over it.*

I've been in the situation where I've had a long term, on-again, off-again lover. Each time we'd break up, it would be because he said something along the lines of "I love you, but I don't see us ending up together" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" or whatever. But, we always stayed friends, and always, whether it be a few months or a year, we'd somehow end up together again. Because I was in love with him, I'd always open that door when he knocked.

The ONLY thing that finally worked for me to stop having those feelings for him was to totally stop seeing him, stop talkihng to him, stop emailing, everything. It's not that I wanted to cut him out of my life, or that I hated him, but if I didn't, I'd always see a reason to keep hoping that he might change his mind about being with me.

It's not really that the final break-up was easier on me because I cut him off and moved on. And believe me, totally ending contact with someone you love does not mean you don't agonize over it. That's not what happened at all. But it was the only way for me to get far enough away from the hope to accept the truth. If I hadn't, we'd probably still be dragging out the inevitable.

Good luck to you both!