Because sex is funny: humorous experiences

[Keepingjoy]

Like the title says sex is funny. We are messy, ridiculous humans, so I figured we could have a laugh.

Mine:
After our last kid was born we went the vasectomy route to be done with children. They tell you to not ejaculate for like a week after, or my doc did. So while I’m recovering, my wife was sweet and tried to not help me out, lol, but we realized after 3 days or so that you can’t stop your dreams!
I took a nap in the middle of the day and started dreaming of Queen Latifah rubbing my cock against her lips. I lasted what felt like two seconds and then woke up to the very end of me cumming.
I remember ridiculously lamenting to my wife, “ I was trying really hard not to, but I can’t control a dream!”

 

[lit_ch3]

Ex-gf: loved both giving and receiving oral. I'm not much different. Every time we tried to 69, we'd both fall apart, sometimes laughing hysterically. We never really did get that down. But, separately, we often did....

 

[ryeandginger69]

I was carrying on a difficult affair with a married lady who lived 90 miles away in a small town through which ran a major railway. She managed to snag her husband's pickup truck one day, so we piled into it and in a horny state drove 5 miles outside of town to a railway signal box on the opposite side of the tracks that paralleled the highway. We crossed the tracks and pulled up beside the signal box, jumped behind into the truck's open box, stripped off our clothes in a flash and lay down. I was in her soaking wet box in no time flat, and we fucked furiously as if we'd never get another chance.

As my orgasm approached, so did the sound of an oncoming train accelerating out of the town's railway yard, but we carried on, too caught up in lust to care. I blasted my load into her box at the exact same moment the engineer gave his rulebook crossing blast whistle, and the lady and I had to manage our laughter and our post-orgasmic blast effect at the same time.

 

[Sn0wBelle]

I cooked dinner... chopped some chilli peppers...🌶
He wasn't laughing so much at the time!

 

[Wonderer67]

Two good comedic moments cum to mind.

As it gets cooler out, we tend to get a mouse or two in the house. Coupla months ago, my wife said she was going to give me a nice long handjob and teasing session. she usually HJs me in a nice chair we have in our bedroom. My wife is hand jobbing me, going to town, edging the fuck outta me. I’m in bliss.

And then the cat starts going to town chasing a mouse - in our bedroom of course. I hear the cat scrambling, the mouse making little squeaking noises.

My wife ABSOLUTELY lost her shit, jumped on the bed…. It is my job to get dead and maimed mice out of the house… sexual and household power dynamics I guess… I def didn’t cum that day….

 

[Wonderer67]

Sometimes, when my wife rides me, she has powerful squirting orgasms and sort of has to stand up on the bed after she cums. It’s like she can’t take it anymore so just needs my penis outside of her. (I am not that large in actuality, it’s just a muscular contraction thing.) She often puts her hands on the ceiling to steady herself while sort of recovering.

A few years ago, she was riding me and got up after having an intense, gushing orgasm. She got off me, spread her hands up in the air to reach for the ceiling.

The only problem was that the ceiling fan was close by, and it was also on. I told her to be very careful, since it’s not usually on. It hit the back of her hand. It surprised her so much, that she also fell off the bed.

It happened in slow motion for me down below on the bed. Like I could see it happening and unfolding, but she didn’t hear me in time.

Luckily, her ego was more hurt than her hand or anything else. The fall off the bed did not hurt her either, thankfully. It actually could have been really bad, but glad no one got seriously hurt. Just a painful bruise on the back of her hand.

And of course a bruised ego.

Sex can be dangerous!!

 

[MRaith]

I face-planted while trying to simultaneously take my pants off and chase my ex into the bedroom. Yup--they fell around my ankles and down I went like a clown. So suave.

 

[SmokingFap]

I was fucking my last real girlfriend from behind on my bed. We were having a very rousing session. When I finally shot my wad inside her, I farted and also shot a small glob of poop out onto my sheets. After we had recovered, I noticed the stain. She said that the sex had been really good. I pointed at the stain and said it had been a little too good...

 

[Rob_Royale]

My wife and I had the rare day of both of us home on a weekday with the kids at daycare. Careful not to waste it we had sex a couple of times and on our third go, we forgot about the two-month-old puppy that was sleeping in the room. We're on the floor just going at it on a quilt. Pure animal sex in the missionary position.

The pup walks over and sticks his cold nose on my asshole. I popped up with a startled yell. Talk about a mood breaker. My wife just died laughing. I tried to get her going again later that day but she just started laughing, asking if I wanted it with or without the puppy.

 

[pplwatching]

A couple of hours after we had put the kids to bed, I checked them before heading to our own bed and getting down to the main monkey business. Spanking was on the menu that night. Knowing that the sound of the crack of my hand on her ass makes my wife melt as much as the heat of a well delivered hand print, I have mastered cupping my hand to get the maximum noise, alternating loud strokes with firmer heaters. I was happily alternating caresses over her bottom and wet pussy with increasingly louder and harder strokes, when I thought I heard something. I stopped for a moment, then, mistakenly convinced that the coast was clear, I resumed heating up my wife's backside and pussy.

Then came an undeniable series of knocks on our (locked) bedroom door, followed by a rather sleepy and confused "Are you guys clapping? Why are you clapping?" from our daughter, who had been woken by the noise. My wife managed to eek out, "It's just the show we're watching on the TV. Daddy will turn it down." and then curled up into a ball with a pillow over her head to contain her laughter.

Unfortunately, she also told me that she didn't want to be spanked ever again. That didn't last though. It's one of her favorite things and never fails to light her fire. We started insulating around the door and I saved the best strokes for when the kids weren't home.

 

[DoctorSmith8]

Like the title says sex is funny. We are messy, ridiculous humans, so I figured we could have a laugh.

Mine:
After our last kid was born we went the vasectomy route to be done with children. They tell you to not ejaculate for like a week after, or my doc did. So while I’m recovering, my wife was sweet and tried to not help me out, lol, but we realized after 3 days or so that you can’t stop your dreams!
I took a nap in the middle of the day and started dreaming of Queen Latifah rubbing my cock against her lips. I lasted what felt like two seconds and then woke up to the very end of me cumming.
I remember ridiculously lamenting to my wife, “ I was trying really hard not to, but I can’t control a dream!”

I remember wet dreams as a kid. It was so embarrassing knowing that my mom might see the crusty dried spot on my PJs. She never ask me about it but after learning how to masturbate, thanks to a close friend, I was able to drain myself and the dreams were less frequent.

 

[Wonderer67]

A Wake-up Call

A few years ago I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Pitch black. When I went back to bed, I heard a VERY LOUD BUZZING noise.

BZZZZZZ!!! A fire alarm? Something wrong with the furnace? A massive tick going by? Wtf is going on???

Scared the shit outta me. My wife is easily woken up and got up in a panic too.

““Huh? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??” She said.

Middle of the night, abrupt loud noise, wtf is going on???

After about 15-20 seconds I realized what was going on. Grabbed my phone, turned on the flashlight and found what was wrong…
———
My wife likes to masturbate, especially with her hitachi vibrator. She put it (sort of) away and had it half in and half out of the night stand drawer.

Somehow… miraculously… when I came to bed, I hit the open drawer just slightly, turning the switch of the vibrator back on. The low-off-hi button was obviously just in the right place to get turned on by the drawer closing, which I activated when I ran into it…

A real “wake up call.”

 

[mark_j]

I've probably told versions of this story before but it's one of my favorites.

When I was dating my wife, she was living at home while in university. she lived in a big house that was on a corner lot on the side of this small hill. When you looked North from any position in the house you overlooked a fifty acre or so site of and old paper mill that had been demolished like 15 years before. The site was cleared and starting to get overgrown with trees and underbrush. The only thing left there was the water tower and a concrete barge dock which you could see the entrance to.

The new growth obscured the dock itself from the nieghborhood to the west and to the east across the river was a 100 acre corn field. So unless you were actually on the river you couldn't see anyone on this dock. From the wife's house the dock and water tower were about a 1/4 mile North.

Occasionally the wife and I would walk out to this dock and fool around knowing that we could fuck in broad daylight and no one would be able to see us.

So one fine summer day we decided to take a walk.

What we didn't know (or forgot) was that family was due out to the wife's house later that afternoon. Either we didn't care or just completely spaced it. But since neither of us wanted to be there we told the fam that we were going for a walk (partially true). We got the usual "Have fun, but don't be too long," from her mother, bailed and trotted our happy asses toward the dock to have some naughty fun.

About an hour and a half later we come stolling back to the house, very pleased with ourselves. Right as my wife opens the storm door, the main door opens and her mother cries, "There you are. We were about to send out a search party. Come on, come on, you have to meet.. (insert relatives names here)." and ushers us into the dining room to stand before the jury. We never got a chance to freshen up, probably looked a bit disheveled and smelled like sex. Her mom (if she noticed), bless her heart, powered on through introductions to relatives we barely knew. Eventually we got a chance to straighten ourselves out and continue on playing nice for the family.

Later we got roped into a group picture, which turned out ok. So I 'spose we pulled it all off since nothing was said about our 'excursion'. We laughed about it for years because everytime we saw that shot with all those nice old ladies, all we could think was, "Do you know what your princess daughter/niece/granddaughter was doing an hour before that picture was taken?"

*GASP* the horror...

It would have been mass apoplexy right there on the lawn...

 

[Up4fun&69]

I have a few such stories and may have shared one, some, or all elsewhere on Lit. But this was a "favorite."

I had a FWB who was a professional female bodybuilder and personal trainer. She had a hot body, especially when in training for a competition. We didn't connect on all levels, but neither of us could deny how hot the sex was. She called one evening, saying that she had a bad day and wanted to come over for a drink and sex. To help cheer her up and set the mood, I turned off the lights and put a dozen or so candles around the room. She came over. Loved the candles. We shared a drink. Then, we started to passionately make out. Clothes were coming off at record speed and we were both fired up. Just as we start fucking, I noticed that the room was lighter and there was a strange smell. I looked behind me and saw that in ripping off her bra and throwing it aside, I threw it right onto a candle. The bra was burning and the mid-century plastic coffee table it was on was melting. We burst out laughing for a second, and then rushed to put out the fire. Talk about a mood buster. It was even worse when she got really upset, telling me it was one of her favorite bras and that I owed her a new one. Needless to say, no more candles.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I have a few stories that I have posted previously. But I can add them here also.

When I was in my early 20s I was dating a woman who was 18 at the time. She was not a virgin, but she was not very experienced, either. She was from a very religious family. I knew her sister from high school. She was an uptight prude, but the younger sister was bubbly, sexy, and definitely predisposed to naughtiness. Anyway, we dated all summer, and she kept telling me she was not yet ready to fuck. I didn't pressure her. We did everything else, but not that. She became quite good at sucking cock, and that was fine. Well, the night before I was scheduled to go back to grad school, she called me over and told me she was home alone and ready to get fucked. I was over in minutes.

We went down to her basement and got undressed. She laid down on a sofa and I went down on her. When she told me she was ready I entered her. We fucked until she came, and then I came inside her. As soon as I rolled off her, we heard a car in the driveway. We both jumped up and started dressing furiously. We heard the keys in the door, and she ran up the steps to intercept her parents. I finished dressing in the basement just as her father came down the stairs.

I was standing next to the pool table when her father approached me and shook my hand. Fortunately, it was dry, but I'm sure my fingers and my face smelled like pussy. He didn't say anything about that but instead challenged me to a game of pool. I had no choice but to accept. Just as I did, I looked down briefly and saw the condom wrapper on the floor. I quickly stepped on it, covering it with my shoe.

When he turned his back I bent down to tie my shoe, picked up the condom and stuffed it into my pocket.

That turned out to be the last time I saw her. I went back to school the next day, and within months we were both dating other people.