BDSM/Relationships...Is Love the Only Answer?

[~Dream~]

Sometimes,some of us put the success of our relationship into the "hands of love'.With only a vague and romantic concept of what love means,we wait for love to do it all.

We want to believe that love solves all interpersonal problems,dilutes all differences,dissolves fears and anger,resolves all conflicts and,surrounding us with strength and warmth,will bring us to eternal bliss.This,like waiting for our instincts to guide us,has proved no more satisfacory than a solution.Having loved and lost,most of us have become suspicious of love.Too often we have reached out in what we believe to be love,only to recoil in awe at its power to collect tyrants and to cause pain..Even where love is perfect,it is still not a total solution to a elationship..BDSM or otherwise..

We often see NEED as immature ,and DEPENDANCE as weakness.It is true that we are all alone.This knowledge is devastating to many of us.Still,it is a FACT.We are brought into the world alone , and we will,no matter how many people love us,have to die alone..In between ,we will have to grow alone,make personal decisions alone ,and determine our choices for change and growth alone .Most of us feel this mounting sense of aloness all our lives..

Love and relating help to make the knowledge of aloneness more bearable.The arms of a mother enfolding the newborn infant lessens the impact of birth trauma as does the warm hand touching ours later in life which gives us the necessary courage to accept pain.Through growing SELF-DISCLOSURE in committment to each other,we minimize our isolation.

So we must ,at last,accept full responsibility for the success or failure of emerging from aloneness and our coming together in love .We cannot look to instincts or even count on deep love .
The only hope lies in a Serious study of our realtionships.We must try to know better who we are,who the other is,and what dynamics are recquired to keep us united.. This holds tru for BDSM relationships as well as for others ..

more on this later .. any comments are greatly appreciated ..

 

[rosco rathbone]

Good stuff, quite wise.

 

[~Dream~]

more as promised

To a large extent we know and define ourselves as individulas by examining the patterns of our relationships..

Over the years we find that we are recquired to adapt to different types of relationships in order to fill the new,complex physical,social and emotional needs for nurturance,for companionship,forsexuality,for security,for status,for growth.

To bring another into our life through love ,we must be willing to give up certain destructive characteristics for example:

1.The need to always be right.

2.The need to be First in everything.

3.The need to be pefect.

4.The need to be loved by everyone.

5.The need to be free of conflict and frustration.

6.The need to change others for our needs.

7.The need to blame or manipulate.

It's not surprising that even the Healthiest individuals and yes those too in BDSM realtionships have relating problems.When 2 or more individuals move torward each other willfully ,either in or out of love ,the processes which will bring them together and keep them together,will be monumentally complex. Balance and security will be shaken.New behaviours and changes will be recquired.

Depending upon our level of experience,ability to adjust ,our needs,we will respond differently to theses demands.There are several strategies to use to deal with the problems we may face..
1.We can deny that they exist.

2.We can acknowledge their existence but avoid doing anything about them..

3. We can harden ourselves against them and live with them.

4.We can view them as irreversible and terminate the relationship.

OR:
We can take them on as a challenge from which we may profit,realizing that, over time, the more we have learned about problem-solving and relating,the greater will be our ability to love each other as individuals and to have a great relationship..I truly hope that MOST of us will accept the LAST possibility over the others..
~Dream~

 

[Skitten]

No love may not be the answer for everyone. But in a BDSM relationship you are totally committing to that one individual as your Master it means a lot to be able to trust and confide in Him/Her more than any other individual in your life.

You have to be yourself and accept and be able to deal with different things that come up and yes they do. Yes sacrafice is a big point, but it is in any relationship including the ones with your children, your parents and even co-workers. It is part of life there is always compromise.

If you are willing to give yourself totally to that one person there is a reason, mine happens to be love, but there are some that it isn't it depends on the person. And besides love there is a mutal respect for that person and that is a big part and believing in that individual.

BDSM has control yes but a greater respect and commitment to that person exsists highly.

 

[~Dream~]

Ty Skitten

No love may not be the answer for everyone. But in a BDSM relationship you are totally committing to that one individual as your Master it means a lot to be able to trust and confide in Him/Her more than any other individual in your life.

** MY reason is love also ,and yet there are so many other reasons that the relationship still works and I firmly believe that trust ,honesty ,respect and communication are the top4 ..

 

[Ghost's amaris]

Amazing

Dream,

This is a great thread and alot of great information.

I must say I do completely agree with the comments made here on this thread.

Ghost's amaris

 

[Lancecastor]

What I like about your threads Dream is that each one is like a snowflake...uniquely different, yet always fluffy and delicate.

Lance

 

[~Dream~]

why ty to amaris and Lance..

those were both very thoughtful posts and Lance ,comparing my threads to a *snowflake* was very sweet indeed and I truly apologize for my harshness with you in an earlier thread and hope you can forgive me..