BDSM Jokes

[Killishandra]

I'll start.

 

[Killishandra]

What's the difference between a submissive and a mosquito?

 

[Aeroil]

One sucks and/or licks and one just sucks?

 

[Killishandra]

No.

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!

 

[arctic-stranger]

You know you may be a redneck if....

...your safe word is "I'm gonna tell mamma!"

 

[Killishandra]

...your safe word is "I'm gonna tell mamma!"

lmao!

Did you make that up, or did you hear it somewhere else?

I didn't think about this, but I bet I could come up with some pretty funny bdsm jokes if I sat down with a pen and paper. The mosquito one I read in the HawaiiBDSM forum.

 

[sphynx's dragon]

lmao!

Did you make that up, or did you hear it somewhere else?

I didn't think about this, but I bet I could come up with some pretty funny bdsm jokes if I sat down with a pen and paper. The mosquito one I read in the HawaiiBDSM forum.

Well then you need to sit down and come up with some! I'm sure both of us would like to hear them!

 

[Leolover711]

This one isn't precisely BDSM...


A preppy vampire walks into a themed bar and asks for some hot water.

"We only serve Blood here," the surely leather clad bartender replies.

"well certainly you have a tap or something," the vampire says, getting a little annoyed, "it's not a difficult request."

"Maybe you don't understand," the bartender leers, "we only serve blood here, and we Don't serve your kind."

A little miffed now, the vampire looks over the lenses of his tiny glasses, and bares his fangs slightly to reveal his true nature, pressing the bartenders mind with the weight of his own.

"Get me water, bitch," he says calmly.

The bartender, now a sobbing, quivering wreck, stumbles over to the sink and with trembling hands starts to run the tap... waiting a moment for the tap to run hot.

"What's he need water for anyway," the bartender snivels under his breath as he wipes a tear from his face.

"Well," the vampire says, interupting his private conversation," I have a tampon, and I'd like to make tea."

Yuuuccckkkkk.

 

[Marquis]

What do you call a sub with no limits?

 

[Marquis]

What do you call a sub with no limits?

I don't know, what?

 

[Marquis]

I don't know, what?

Whatever the fuck you want.

 

[Quint]

What do you call a Dom who gets pissed when his sub plays sassy?



















A switch-hitter.

 

[Marquis]

Oooh, good.

 

[Killishandra]

Yuuuccckkkkk.

I like the taste of blood. I've never tasted any but my own, but I like the coppery, bitter taste in small amounts.

I wouldn't mind getting my redwings sometime. Even the smell of blood drives me slightly wild. I have no idea how the intoxicating smells of both blood and pussy would make me react, but I would probably want to slip on a strap-on and fuck her afterwards, or get fucked myself, or something involving fucking...

Anyone else who feels along similar lines, please speak up, 'cause I just know tons of people are reading this and going "Groossssss!"

 

[Aeroil]

Actually I'm wondering what redwings are more than anything else.

 

[Killishandra]

Actually I'm wondering what redwings are more than anything else.

When you eat out a girl while she's bleeding *whispers to Aeroil "down there" and points* then it's called getting your "redwings."

 

[Killishandra]

And now...... A Joke.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN...



- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.

- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.

- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

- You call people other than your Father "Daddy."

- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

- You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.

- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

- You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

- You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

- Canning season gets you *really* excited.

- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

- Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

 

[Pleasureboy2]

I like these. Where did you get them from

 

[Killishandra]

I like these. Where did you get them from

Some are floating around the internet, but they're hard to find. I got my first one off another forum.

 

[Pleasureboy2]

There great! would love to hear some more

 

[tealsphynx]

I have a couple of additions:

You know your Kinky when:

You take the local sailing class to learn how to tie knots correctly

Your purchases at West Marine have nothing to do with boats

 

[sphynx's dragon]

I like the taste of blood. I've never tasted any but my own, but I like the coppery, bitter taste in small amounts.

I wouldn't mind getting my redwings sometime. Even the smell of blood drives me slightly wild. I have no idea how the intoxicating smells of both blood and pussy would make me react, but I would probably want to slip on a strap-on and fuck her afterwards, or get fucked myself, or something involving fucking...

Anyone else who feels along similar lines, please speak up, 'cause I just know tons of people are reading this and going "Groossssss!"

LOL...ummm....I have my redwings...

 

[Killishandra]

LOL...ummm....I have my redwings...

I was so embarrassed when I was 17 and my boyfriend at the time insisted upon eating me out during that time of the month. *!* He thought it was fun when I got shy! I don't care if neither of my lovers wanted to do that to me, I'm much more interested in being on the other end. I would love to go down on my girlfriend while she's on. Lick her to ecstasy, then fingerpaint naughty hieroglyphs on her stomach. I'm not sure she'd be down for it, which is alright, but I'm a freaky bitch and I would be.

Mwa ha ha!

 

[arctic-stranger]

What does a sub put behind her ears to improve her sex appeal?

What does a sub put behind her ears to improve her sex appeal?























Her feet.

 

[Aeroil]

When you eat out a girl while she's bleeding *whispers to Aeroil "down there" and points* then it's called getting your "redwings."

I understood that was called giving her a rainbow kiss.