BDSM Jokes

[Killishandra]

Blood and Amaretto. Kinky.

You know how much I like drinks made with Amaretto!

 

[tealsphynx]

Ah okay, well then I just have to keep an eye on tealsphynx, which I was already doing, she seems to have taken a liking to spanking me.....

speaking of which
SPANK!
told ya I'd do it anytime I see you mention it

 

[Quint]

What do you call it when an online sub whines when her online Master tries to log off?


















Laptopping.

 

[Marquis]

What do you call it when an online sub whines when her online Master tries to log off?


















Laptopping.

 

[Quint]

"Boo hiss" , or "ain't she cute, folks" ?

Quint submitted ten pun-based jokes to the BDSM thread, in hopes that even one among them might inspire Marquis to laughter.

No pun in ten did.

 

[Marquis]

"Boo hiss" , or "ain't she cute, folks" ?

Somewhere in between.

Quint submitted ten pun-based jokes to the BDSM thread, in hopes that even one among them might inspire Marquis to laughter.

No pun in ten did.

Now that was funny.

 

[Vixandra]

"Boo hiss" , or "ain't she cute, folks" ?

Quint submitted ten pun-based jokes to the BDSM thread, in hopes that even one among them might inspire Marquis to laughter.

No pun in ten did.

I think it was cute and funny, Quint, for however much that counts.

 

[Nathon_88]

"Boo hiss" , or "ain't she cute, folks" ?

Quint submitted ten pun-based jokes to the BDSM thread, in hopes that even one among them might inspire Marquis to laughter.

No pun in ten did.

Okay. I have to admit, this is about the ONLY situation where I can't resist.

*throws the pun pillow at Quint*

BDSM jokes! No more puns!

 

[sphynx's dragon]

LONG POST WARNING!!!!!
Build a thousand bridges in your lifetime, but suck one dick, are you known forever as the bridge builder?

Violet wands. They're everywhere you expect them to be. --Visa

They're always after me lil red ass. --Lucky Charms

Don't beat subs without it. --American Express

You can hear the wax drop. --Sprint

Thud Thud Sting Sting Oh what sweet pain You bring! -AlkaSeltzer

What would you do for a spreader bar? --Klondike

Sometimes you tie up the nuts, sometimes you don't. --Mounds & Almond Joy

P-A-D-D-L-E-S, paddles leave the very best...bruises. --Nestle

Get a piece of the crop. --Prudential

BDSM: The choice of a lewd generation! --Pepsi-Cola

Bottoms. They take a licking and keep on ticking. -Timex

This world's no fun. In my world, there are people in chains and you can ride around on them like ponies... Come beat the softer side of rears -Sears Roebuck-

It's a feel thing -CocaCola-

An ass is a terrible thing to waste. -NAACP-

Just what the Domme ordered -Dr. Pepper-

(close in on 3 frogs in a pond, dressed in leather teddies): S.....and.....M -Budweiser-

Smacks great. Less stinging. -Bud Lite-

Subspace Inside -Intel-

Imagine yourself down on your knees. -Mercury-

Gimme an ache, gimme an ache... -KitKat-

Know what comes between me and that paddle? Nothing -Calvin Klein-

Where's the cuffs? -Wendy's-

I don't want to hold back, I'm a Toys "R" Us Dom... -Toys 'R' Us-

You deserve a spank today -McDonald's-

He likes it. He likes it. Hey SAMmy -Life Cereal-

This is not your father's S+M -Oldsmobile-

Subs. Built damn tough. -Chrysler Plymouth Dodge-

Home of the flogger -Burger King-

The more you kneel, the more you feel -National Education Council-

It does a body good. -National Dairy Council-

(close in on a person holding a small brown egg) This is your ass. (same person holding a large colored striped Easter egg) This is your ass after a scene. Any questions? --Anti-Drug Foundation

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why does a man have a hole in his penis? To get some air to his brain.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.

How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring.

"The only 'unnatural' sex is that which you cannot physically perform." ....Alfred Kinsey

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

There are two kinds of pain in the world, the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.

Reality is for people who don't understand ~sub space~

Kinky is using a chicken feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.Edge Play is when you do piercings with the bones.

 

[sphynx's dragon]

Oh GODS...I found more...
· the neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers.
· your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.
· you go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built
entirely of Legos.
· you come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged babysitter.
· they hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.
· your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.
· your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store.
- you tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they aren't.
· your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room.
· you yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's busy right now...and you check on him and find that he really is tied up right now.
· your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue.
· their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.
· your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times.
· they won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red".
· you notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.
· the 13 year-old begs for his first bra.

 

[sphynx's dragon]

I'm sorry...can't help it!!!
· My Experiences in the Scene by Eva A. Wannabe
· Polish Rope Bondage
· Lorena Bobbit's Guide to CBT
· Personal Limits by Dennis Rodman
· Bullwhip Mastery in 5 Minutes by Ima Dreamin
· Being Submissive by Bill Gates
· The SAM's Book of Manners
· Domming for Dummies
· Medical Play by Jack Kevorkian, M.D.
· Cooking with Scat
· People I Would Never Play With by Madonna
· My Life in Drag by Rev. Jerry Falwell
· Out of the Closet: The Politician's Guide to Public Perversion
· Brilliant Career Moves by Marv Albert
· Disney's Guide to Wholesome Family Perversions
· Erotic Strangulation by the Boston Strangler
· Fisting Safely by Captain Hook
· The Pervert's Guide to Right Wing Acceptance
· The Fine Art of Negotiation by Howie Dodat
· My Kinky Lovers by Van Ila
· Safe and Easy Knife Play by Vincent Van Gogh
· Safe, Sane and Consensual Kinks by Ted Bundy
· Inescapable Bondage by Harry Houdini
· Consensual Biting by Mike Tyson
· Acceptable Kinks by John Paul II
· Polyamorous Marriages by Mother Theresa
· You Too Can Be A Gorean Slave Girl by Hillary Clinton
· Corset Training - How to Get The Figure That Drives Men Wild by Roseanne Arnold Barr
· Dominance - Your Attitude is Everything by Steven Wright
· Consensual Non-consensuality by Monica Lewinsky

 

[sphynx's dragon]

Finding TOOO many today!!

Red Subbie Tart

Active Ingredient:
one willing bottom

Miscellaneous ingredients seasoned to taste:
1.) 1 flogger
2.) 1 bucket of ice
3.) 1 towel
4.) 1 small knife
5.) 1 candle,
6.) and a lighter

Step 1.) place the bottom in your favorite flogging position
Step 2.) beat until red
Step 3.) chill with ice
Step 4.) remove excess moisture with towel
Step 5.) repeat step 2
Step 6.) repeat step 3
Step 7.) repeat step 4
Step 8.) mix to a even consistency, or, until your bottom is thoroughly mixed up
Step 9.) place knife in bucket of ice and then light candle
Step 10.) drip wax thoroughly, covering all pre-redden surface areas
Step 11.) freeze wax to a hard shell
Step 12.) remove knife from ice
Step 13.) begin to remove wax from your bottom
Step 14.) remove wax remnants with flogger of your choice, and your done

Well, that's all there is to it, 14 easy steps to get yourself a "red subbie tart"
..................now doesn't that look tasty?

 

[Killishandra]

Good ones!

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

This one isn't precisely BDSM...


A preppy vampire walks into a themed bar and asks for some hot water.

"We only serve Blood here," the surely leather clad bartender replies.

"well certainly you have a tap or something," the vampire says, getting a little annoyed, "it's not a difficult request."

"Maybe you don't understand," the bartender leers, "we only serve blood here, and we Don't serve your kind."

A little miffed now, the vampire looks over the lenses of his tiny glasses, and bares his fangs slightly to reveal his true nature, pressing the bartenders mind with the weight of his own.

"Get me water, bitch," he says calmly.

The bartender, now a sobbing, quivering wreck, stumbles over to the sink and with trembling hands starts to run the tap... waiting a moment for the tap to run hot.

"What's he need water for anyway," the bartender snivels under his breath as he wipes a tear from his face.

"Well," the vampire says, interupting his private conversation," I have a tampon, and I'd like to make tea."

As funny as that is its gross....

 

[Aeroil]

speaking of which
SPANK!
told ya I'd do it anytime I see you mention it

*mumbles something about unfair rules*

 

[Quint]

Okay. I have to admit, this is about the ONLY situation where I can't resist.

*throws the pun pillow at Quint*

BDSM jokes! No more puns!

Awwwww.

I got nuthin. Hmph!