BDSM Forum: Questions and Answers: an addition to the "general rules" kinda thougt

[cymbidia]

BDSM Forum: Questions and Answers: an addition to the "general rules" kinda thougt

As per MissTaken's *excellent* suggestion, i added a bit into the The BDSM Forum: Questions and Answers post up on top regarding our determination to disallow personals ads here.

What i'd like to know are general feelings from community members about this being a de facto policy here.

We were a small and close-knit thread for so long... and there was no need for anyone to police anything, then. There were only a double handful of us who posted regularly, and the same amount who posted irregularly. Everyone was on the same page (almost without discussion of it) regarding the esteem in which we held that thread, and our hopes for its continuing good health.

Then - MIRACLE - Laurel gave us this forum.

Now there's lots more of us - a *VERY* good thing. I can't think of anyone who's appeared and stayed that i dislike, no one who has caused any kinda problems. The forum has stayed informational, friendly, and community-minded in nature. It has not (as i was secretly afraid it would) gone toward the (okay, here's one of my prejudices right out there for all to see, warts and all) ugly, false, forced, banal, pitiful crap that passes for BDSM in online chat rooms. We've kept ourselves WAY above such bullshit - and for that, i'm more glad than i have the words to say.

But there's the whole personals ads issue.

There's a poll which seems to indicate that a slight majority of you *want* such beasts here.

I do not. No surprise there, hmmm? I could hardly have been clearer about that one. A couple more of us have spoken out clearly and said they do not, either.

But lots of you do.

I've been online a long time. I was once a resident of a place similar to what we have here and watched with dismay and anger and an incredible sense of loss as personals ads, and the people who post them with no intention of becoming a part of the community, infiltrated and then completely overtook my small close community. I finally left.

I couldn't bear to have that happen here.

But i'm not the BDSM Talk Forum Goddess. Neither is Risia. Neither is WD. (Okay. Be picky. Yes, you're right: WD would be a God, not a Goddess.) We're only moderators. We enforce the ideals that the community holds in esteem, that the community decides matter - that we all want enforced.

In some places, the mods act without any apparent logic and dispense judgement and favors from on high - but we're not a place like that. We can't be. Here we're all BSM'ers, and BDSM'ers talk things out. We talk until we agree on what's important, on how we will play, on what we all need to be happy and fulfilled and satisfied. We speak our fears and truths out loud. We do it as equals. THEN we do some power shifting.

That's the way it's been here since this place began as a single thread and that's the way i think it has to remain.

So - any dissenting opinions on (1) we gotta talk over this stuff as a community and/or (2) we have to disallow personals ads in order to insure our integrity as a community?

I'm gonna keep bumping this thread to the top until people start to respond so don't think you can ignore this.

And you new people? Speak out. Please.

cym

 

[KillerMuffin]

Disallow personal ads.

Lit has a personal ad forum simply for that.

Additionally, how cohesive of a community are you going to have if you've got:

MasterPudPuller seeks hot young slave for email affair. Don't tell the wife.

popping up all the time?

I realize that most people wanting to post a personal add shy away from the Personals board because it's not a personal's board anymore, but that's no reason for them to migrate here.

Relationships are built here in a different way. People come, discuss issues, fears, joys, errata that relate to BDSM and build a relationship that way. The old fashioned way. I think allowing personal ads would wreck that.

However, you could experiment with a monthly BDSM Personal Ad thread that's stickied to the top. Give personal ad seekers a BDSM specific place to post ads to hook up. Disallow conversation by deleting non-personal ad posts.

 

[fallon2]

Hmmm

Hmmm . . . In an earlier posting I think I said I didn't Care. I have changed my mind. I don't want them Put them where they belong. I don't want to have to cut through the crap to get to the usual good posts here and sometimes the personal ads are exactly that. Don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but that's what I think.
One more thing . . . I am glad cym is back and no longer celibate! (I really didn't think you could stay celibate very long!)

 

[pierced_boy]

Keep them out

.

 

[HotXBunz]

I am going to post as a novice in the BB/forum community. Lit was my first experience with this. I did check out the personals and I would not like this forum to be like that. I like the "feel" we have here. It took me awhile to adjust to the bigger area but I have and I am comfortable. Even the new voices "fit" because they are seeking info and wishing to be a part of our community.

Many of you have lots of experience regarding these issues. I think this is one of those times I will gladly defer to those with more experience.

 

[SierraMoon]

Speaking as one of the "new people"... i think i voted "i don't care" to the poll... but as the others have noted, i have read everyone's responses to the poll, and also defer to those who know more than i... i have never been to the personals board (thanks to all of you who have been gracious enough to warn against getting lost in there.. lol), so, my vote was from a totally inexperienced person... i enjoy this forum immensely, the way it is, but thought if we had a personals thread for those BDSM'ers that wanted to be taken seriously, it would make it easier for people of like minds to find each other.... i wasn't even considering all the assholes out there, that could invade our little piece of heaven here at Lit.... so, after all that is said, i agree.. personals is a bad idea...... thank you cym for explaining your history with things like this.. sierra

 

[James Blandings]

I voted against personal ads, mainly because they tend to lead to the downfall of message boards that allow them in my experience. But also, I just don't like the idea of people using the intrnet to find partners. I have just seen too many people get hurt. The internet should be a tool to build the community, and from that community, if people want to try to find a partner, great, but that's a lot different from blind searching. I don't mean to offend anyone who has found success online, but I think the odds of someone getting hurt is to great to give it official approval.

 

[MissTaken]

I have moved from allowing them to a "don't care" attitude.

I would only reassert that sometimes it is nice to have some sort of introduction to new posters and those who are lurking, but may not yet feel comfortable enough to post to our discussion threads.

Perhaps a "newbie sign in thread" would resolve those issues. No, I don't want this Forum to go the route of others here and on other websites.

On the other hand, I believe Blondgirl may have been the person to point this out in another thread, we tend to get to know one another vis a vis discussion threads and then friendships develop.

OUCH! This fence I am sitting on is really starting to hurt my ass!

Hmmmmmm

Oh! And if the decision is made to not allow personal ads, perhaps we could put a sign on the "door"...in our box on the forums page. "No personal ads, please. " right next to the sign that says, "No shirt, no shoes, no service." (No...that can't be right...not here anyway!)

I digress.
I am exhausted.
Insomnia sucks.

 

[petrel]

My thoughts on the whole personal ads issue

I voted yes on the grounds that a thread for personals within the board might be a good way to welcome newbies, then I read the 'no' answers and I can see that the points made are very valid, and somewhat better thought out than my -
'yea, sure do what you want man, hey its cool' response

I do think that adding to the BDSM mother thread is a good way to make it a policy and I don't have any issues with it being a standard part of the 'rules' of this place. I really appreciate the fact that the moderators (that's you cym!!) are talking this one through with us and I think as long as everyone knows in advance what the rules are then we don't have a problem.
What I was concerned about originally was the unwelcoming attitude some newbies got when they posted personals, given that there isn't anything obvious to say that we didn't accept personal ads on here.

May be we could have a new sticky titled 'please leave your shoes at the door and other rules' it could include our policy on personal ads, our policy on PM's, banning people, giving out personal details etc etc. So that we all know under what circumstances posts will be deleted etc etc. I know its more work for our lovely moderators but I'm sure it woudl be very helpful to newbies. We can also put in the standard advice of ;- 'go read the mother thread' or 'do a search' which seems to be one of the standard responses to new queries.

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: My thoughts on the whole personal ads issue

What I was concerned about originally was the unwelcoming attitude some newbies got when they posted personals, given that there isn't anything obvious to say that we didn't accept personal ads on here.

May be we could have a new sticky titled 'please leave your shoes at the door and other rules' it could include our policy on personal ads, our policy on PM's, banning people, giving out personal details etc etc. So that we all know under what circumstances posts will be deleted etc etc. I know its more work for our lovely moderators but I'm sure it woudl be very helpful to newbies. We can also put in the standard advice of ;- 'go read the mother thread' or 'do a search' which seems to be one of the standard responses to new queries.

Great idea petrel!! Being a newbie myself not too long ago, i also didn't know the appropriate way to go about doing things here in the forum... but i think a rules sticky would help everyone out, as to what is and isn't acceptable here.... just my opinion.. hugs to all... sierra

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: BDSM Forum: Questions and Answers: an addition to the "general rules" kinda thougt

As per MissTaken's *excellent* suggestion, i added a bit into the The BDSM Forum: Questions and Answers post up on top regarding our determination to disallow personals ads here.

What i'd like to know are general feelings from community members about this being a de facto policy here.

We were a small and close-knit thread for so long... and there was no need for anyone to police anything, then. There were only a double handful of us who posted regularly, and the same amount who posted irregularly. Everyone was on the same page (almost without discussion of it) regarding the esteem in which we held that thread, and our hopes for its continuing good health.

Then - MIRACLE - Laurel gave us this forum.

Now there's lots more of us - a *VERY* good thing. I can't think of anyone who's appeared and stayed that i dislike, no one who has caused any kinda problems. The forum has stayed informational, friendly, and community-minded in nature. It has not (as i was secretly afraid it would) gone toward the (okay, here's one of my prejudices right out there for all to see, warts and all) ugly, false, forced, banal, pitiful crap that passes for BDSM in online chat rooms. We've kept ourselves WAY above such bullshit - and for that, i'm more glad than i have the words to say.

But there's the whole personals ads issue.

There's a poll which seems to indicate that a slight majority of you *want* such beasts here.

I do not. No surprise there, hmmm? I could hardly have been clearer about that one. A couple more of us have spoken out clearly and said they do not, either.

But lots of you do.

I've been online a long time. I was once a resident of a place similar to what we have here and watched with dismay and anger and an incredible sense of loss as personals ads, and the people who post them with no intention of becoming a part of the community, infiltrated and then completely overtook my small close community. I finally left.

I couldn't bear to have that happen here.

But i'm not the BDSM Talk Forum Goddess. Neither is Risia. Neither is WD. (Okay. Be picky. Yes, you're right: WD would be a God, not a Goddess.) We're only moderators. We enforce the ideals that the community holds in esteem, that the community decides matter - that we all want enforced.

In some places, the mods act without any apparent logic and dispense judgement and favors from on high - but we're not a place like that. We can't be. Here we're all BSM'ers, and BDSM'ers talk things out. We talk until we agree on what's important, on how we will play, on what we all need to be happy and fulfilled and satisfied. We speak our fears and truths out loud. We do it as equals. THEN we do some power shifting.

That's the way it's been here since this place began as a single thread and that's the way i think it has to remain.

So - any dissenting opinions on (1) we gotta talk over this stuff as a community and/or (2) we have to disallow personals ads in order to insure our integrity as a community?

I'm gonna keep bumping this thread to the top until people start to respond so don't think you can ignore this.

And you new people? Speak out. Please.

cym

I admit I am new to this Forum, but I think that BDSM personals belong in a BDSM Forum. The Personals Forum is not really good at supporting personals D/s or vanilla, mainly cause no one ever takes what is said there seriously. ( Just my humble opinion)

I am very serious about D/s. It is a life choice for me and not a fashion or fad. It seems to me that some people on this forum want to keep it "in the family" and continue whatever the dynamic was on the 'monster thread" . If that is correct then that is your choice.

I think there are better places to post personals than Literotica. So if you want to ban them, so be it. However, I hope that this decision will not discourage new people from becoming involved.

Ebonyfire

 

[BBD]

I was brand spankin' new when I voted and said that I didn't care. I'm still a newbie, but at least I've been around a bit more since...and I still don't really care.

I suppose I might care enough to say no if I actually saw personals here that disrupted the excellent discussion that goes on now. But I'm gonna sit on the fence on this one until I see something more than what the Personals Forum is like.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Did someone say "spanking"?

I was brand spankin' new when I voted and said that I didn't care. I'm still a newbie, but at least I've been around a bit more since...and I still don't really care.

I suppose I might care enough to say no if I actually saw personals here that disrupted the excellent discussion that goes on now. But I'm gonna sit on the fence on this one until I see something more than what the Personals Forum is like.

Spanking new, spanking old, it's all good!

Ebony

 

[BlondGirl]

I'll repeat my suggestion to those who are hoping to possibly locate a play partner from here.

Post an ad in the Personals board. Then put a link to that in your signature line. (This is demonstrated for you all below.)

If someone is serious about wanting to meet you, the person who enjoys SM, then s/he can click on the personal ad to find out what you are seeking. It will always be available as you wish with each of your posts and removed from the "spotlight" when you edit it out of your signature line. Responses can be in your own personal thread on the personals board or in PM, instead of cluttering things up here. (You can also edit that personal ad as desired.)

As an added bonus, those who are vanilla but interrested in SM and "just don't know it yet" might respond to your posts on another board or a story you have written and see that personal ad.

When I think of any personal ad peing posted here, I can't help but think of one that had some title similar to "GottaFuzzyZebraThong" that would never die. (I had no luck with the search for it just now.) The thread originator posted 3 or 4 times to the thread (the only posts to all of Lit) and then never showed up again. But many months later, there were STILL suckers who were posting to that thread, keeping it on top every single day. It was wierd and crazy. Of course, most of the respondants were also one-hit-wonders. That type of nonsense clutter is the type of juvenile display that keeps out the serious people who are really interrested in SM.

(For those of you who might be interrested in the Sig line link to a Personals ad, I posted the directions of "How To" over on the Personals-Poll thread.)

 

[MissTaken]

Good idea, Blondgirl.

I must have missed it earlier.

 

[BlondGirl]

Taking a bow

Thank you. I always enjoy it when someone else appreciates my expressions of genius.

If only I could apply such greatness to picking lotto numbers...

 

[DRxBlue]

Way to go BG!

The link idea really does sound like an answer to the question. If only there were a way to get the information to the newbies, and even the oldbies who aren't as computer literate as some of the rest of us.

i can't remember exactly how i voted in the poll, but cym, especially in light of your description of the other forum you left as the personals crowded out the discussion, i'd vote NO now.

That's certainly not what i come to this forum for. I think the technology is much better at "Friend Finders" or Yahoo.

It seems like someone scribbling with magic marker on a library wall "For a good time call .... "

There a plenty of places for partner seekers, and i should think there are better ways for newbies to introduce themselves to "our community".

i'm still very proud, if slightly amazed, to count myself a member.

Blue

 

[Wizard]

I just noticed this thread and want to go on record as my vote is to keep them out also.....

This place is cool the way it is. I don't want to have to go thru tons of personal add to find what I'm looking for....
Thats my thoughts..........

 

[BlondGirl]

So where are the personal ads in the sig lines for the rest of you folks here. I am damned curious what you guys would put...

(When I made mine, I thought its purpose was very obvious, but I still occassionally get replies from creatures who obviously are up for the Darwin Awards. It is worth it for the entertainment value alone!)

 

[RisiaSkye]

I said no then, I say no now. I will, of course, still defer to the majority opinion...and then enforce it mercilessly.

I'm very, um, balanced that way. Just like a Switch, ain't I?

Oh, come on...it was funny. Admit it.













Sheesh. Tough room.

 

[cymbidia]

~snorting with laughter at BG's ad~

Have any of you read that thing yet?
Geezus.
Go... go read it!

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: ~snorting with laughter at BG's ad~

Have any of you read that thing yet?
Geezus.
Go... go read it!

yes, i have read it cym, and i think my jaw was on the floor the whole time...
and to Blondgirl.. you go girl!!!!
sierra

 

[RisiaSkye]

Is it just me, or did anyone else keep reading the responses? I'm not sure if they're terribly clever or earth-shatteringly stupid. The ones who appear to take it at face value are...just...wrong.

Wow, that was fun. Nice start, BG. I hope it works out, cuz that kind of brilliance shouldn't go unappreciated.

 

[DRxBlue]

i read a LOT of'em

Once again i wish there were an emoticon ROARING with laughter, with tears squirting out of his eyes.

Some of the best were "Unregistered", the guy with "no arms and no legs" was hilarious! "Akido's Tapeworm" was really weird!(not funny weird)

i felt a bit sad for some of those guys though.

It reminded me of a line from Carol King's "Tapestry".

"Once he reached for something golden
Hanging from a tree
Bit his hand came down empty"

She only left'em "on the hook" for 6 days. i'm sure if i'd pulled such a scam, i'd have been just as merciless. <lol>

Great experiment BG! It's been nearly a year and it's still getting responses. Some of them really look hopeful too.

i think you oughta pick matt_vancouver. i ain't gay, but i could go for this guy! <G>

Now more than EVER, keep personals OUT of the BDSM forum! Please?

 

[BlondGirl]

Is it just me, or did anyone else keep reading the responses? I'm not sure if they're terribly clever or earth-shatteringly stupid. The ones who appear to take it at face value are...just...wrong.

Wow, that was fun. Nice start, BG. I hope it works out, cuz that kind of brilliance shouldn't go unappreciated.

Thank you mucho for the adoration of my talents. He he.
I do find the responses to be a cumpulsive reading. Some of the serious respondants though worry me. One is young and loving and sweet and we have spent time chatting online. (I feel more motherly toward him though. If he saw how different I am from that fantasy though, he would think of me as motherly too.) A very few are responses from friends or old lovers.

I think, if anything, it represents my flavor of humor. It is not for everyone, but as for everyone who enjoyed that thread, we get along perfectly! (For anyone who hasn't "gotten it" yet, the thread is not really a personal ad. It is more like an introduction to my playful side. And is an invitation to join me in the silliness.)