BDSM basics

[romanticelvengirl]

So I am making this thread because I just had an encounter with a dom and basically I’m just wanting to know if a few things are red flags because I feel like the red flags and maybe he’s right and I’m reading into something more so than it is, but I just thought I would come here and check with the community. I’ve done a lot of research into those lifestyle and I mean a lot like I’m I feel like I am fairly informed with things and we were talking and he’s like I want to get to the point to where I don’t have to ask permission and there is no safe words which I know that’s wrong because you always won’t say words and all That and I just felt wrong to get to a point to a dynamic where you’re not wanting it but he’s gonna take it anyway and he said he would use that as a CNC that just felt wrong so again I thought I’d come here and ask you guys for those if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time I know it because it feels like a red flag to tell somebody that they can’t say no after a certain point and just use the excuse of a kink to justify it it feels wrong

 

[ToPleaseHim]

So I am making this thread because I just had an encounter with a dom and basically I’m just wanting to know if a few things are red flags because I feel like the red flags and maybe he’s right and I’m reading into something more so than it is, but I just thought I would come here and check with the community. I’ve done a lot of research into those lifestyle and I mean a lot like I’m I feel like I am fairly informed with things and we were talking and he’s like I want to get to the point to where I don’t have to ask permission and there is no safe words which I know that’s wrong because you always won’t say words and all That and I just felt wrong to get to a point to a dynamic where you’re not wanting it but he’s gonna take it anyway and he said he would use that as a CNC that just felt wrong so again I thought I’d come here and ask you guys for those if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time I know it because it feels like a red flag to tell somebody that they can’t say no after a certain point and just use the excuse of a kink to justify it it feels wrong

The dom is wrong. You are right. What you are describing is rape, not BDSM. Submissive partners have every right to say no. Consent is a HUGE aspect of BDSM.

CNC literally means CONSENSUAL non-consent. It could be described as rape play, but it requires consent in advance. One should still have safe words and be able to cease the play at any time.

This guy is a walking red flag using the umbrella of BDSM to abuse his partners.

 

[romanticelvengirl]

The dom is wrong. You are right. What you are describing is rape, not BDSM. Submissive partners have every right to say no. Consent is a HUGE aspect of BDSM.

CNC literally means CONSENSUAL non-consent. It could be described as rape play, but it requires consent in advance. One should still have safe words and be able to cease the play at any time.

This guy is a walking red flag using the umbrella of BDSM to abuse his partners.

That’s what I thought but wanted to get some clear perspective on it.

 

[HarleyQuim]

Safe, Sane, CONSENSUAL! There’s never a point where you can’t say no. It’s not a red flag, it’s a siren with spinning lights and a giant billboard that says “Dec offender”.

 

[x8dom8x]

The only thing I'd add is to make sure there is trust. Absolutely under no circumstances should you provide yourself to the dom if there is not full trust in them.

 

[romanticelvengirl]

This wannabe dom went on to say that I researched to much into it and i have no idea what I’m talking about because I have never been in a dynamic I scoffed and just blocked him.

 

[Dimented]

This wannabe dom went on to say that I researched to much into it and i have no idea what I’m talking about because I have never been in a dynamic I scoffed and just blocked him.

Good for you

 

[fool4u]

Romantic Elevn Girl
It sounds a lot like you knew the answer before you asked us. Congratulations on not taking the garbage that was on offer. Well done for staying safe.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

This wannabe dom went on to say that I researched to much into it and i have no idea what I’m talking about because I have never been in a dynamic I scoffed and just blocked him.

“Researched too much”?!?!? Another fucking giant red flag. This dude is an abuser.

 

[Exploringwife46]

If he won't reconsider things that make you uncomfortable it's a huge warning sign.

 

[ericalauren]

So I am making this thread because I just had an encounter with a dom and basically I’m just wanting to know if a few things are red flags because I feel like the red flags and maybe he’s right and I’m reading into something more so than it is, but I just thought I would come here and check with the community. I’ve done a lot of research into those lifestyle and I mean a lot like I’m I feel like I am fairly informed with things and we were talking and he’s like I want to get to the point to where I don’t have to ask permission and there is no safe words which I know that’s wrong because you always won’t say words and all That and I just felt wrong to get to a point to a dynamic where you’re not wanting it but he’s gonna take it anyway and he said he would use that as a CNC that just felt wrong so again I thought I’d come here and ask you guys for those if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time I know it because it feels like a red flag to tell somebody that they can’t say no after a certain point and just use the excuse of a kink to justify it it feels wrong

This dom is probably an abuser. You are right to be skeptical.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I sure hope he sees this and fixes the error of his ways, before someone naive and exploring crosses his path.

Regardless of him, and I'm speaking to anyone reading this, if you aren't comfortable in anyway, you don't need to continue talking to them. At all. Being in any kind of relationship requires trust and being comfortable. Even if you ARE wrong, their attitude is a tell-tale sign of their character.

Submissives should be learning from other submissives. You did the right thing by asking in the forum.

 

[Dom70]

TRUST is the key. If you do not trust the "dom"...don't play! It is that simple! You did well! Am proud of you!
Barefootgirl69 is absolutely correct !

 

[romanticelvengirl]

Awww thank you Guys this means the world to me.

 

[Havanawang]

I sure hope he sees this and fixes the error of his ways, before someone naive and exploring crosses his path.

Regardless of him, and I'm speaking to anyone reading this, if you aren't comfortable in anyway, you don't need to continue talking to them. At all. Being in any kind of relationship requires trust and being comfortable. Even if you ARE wrong, their attitude is a tell-tale sign of their character.

Submissives should be learning from other submissives. You did the right thing by asking in the forum.

Barefootgirl69 words submissives please share experiences I know I want to and do I wish there was a thread submissives for submissives

 

[SirSparky]

@romanticelvengirl

I am so glad you made the right decision. He is definitely an abuser and not a Dom. You can never research too much.

Ultimately its the submissive who has the true power as they choose to submit to the Dom and can choose to take that submission away.

Communication is also needed. The submissive must be free to communicate to the Dom in what is working or not, talk about any ideas or new suggestions. Sometimes the Dom can be guided by the submissive in what she really wants and needs, just as much as the Dom can guide the submissive in what she needs.

 

[Theatreslut]

If a dom doesn’t recognize that the submissive always retains power to withdraw consent, run away

 

[average_red]

you know the answer, and it is good to see you taking good advice when you are not sure.

There is room for all kinds of play, but whatever game he wants to play isn't the game you want to play, simple as.

 

[Talbet]

So I am making this thread because I just had an encounter with a dom and basically I’m just wanting to know if a few things are red flags because I feel like the red flags and maybe he’s right and I’m reading into something more so than it is, but I just thought I would come here and check with the community. I’ve done a lot of research into those lifestyle and I mean a lot like I’m I feel like I am fairly informed with things and we were talking and he’s like I want to get to the point to where I don’t have to ask permission and there is no safe words which I know that’s wrong because you always won’t say words and all That and I just felt wrong to get to a point to a dynamic where you’re not wanting it but he’s gonna take it anyway and he said he would use that as a CNC that just felt wrong so again I thought I’d come here and ask you guys for those if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time I know it because it feels like a red flag to tell somebody that they can’t say no after a certain point and just use the excuse of a kink to justify it it feels wrong

Run!!! Don't walk to the nearest exit!!! A safe word should never ever be denied. I understand eventually getting to not always having to ask permission but yellow and red lights must always be honored.

 

[seekingAlpha]

In any romantic relationship, including a D/s (Dominant/submissive) dynamic, if something feels wrong, address it directly. Raise your concerns openly and honestly. If your partner doesn’t take them seriously, respect your feelings, or work to resolve the issue, walk away. Never tolerate in a D/s relationship anything you wouldn’t accept in a vanilla romantic relationship. The power exchange doesn’t give anyone a free pass to disregard your boundaries, dismiss your needs, or make you feel unsafe, disrespected, or unhappy. Your emotional and physical well-being come first, always with no exceptions. This principle keeps the relationship healthy, consensual, and fulfilling, no matter the dynamic.

 

[Mikey1414]

That’s what I thought but wanted to get some clear perspective on it.

Exactly - you always have ultimate control - so it's very hot play but within agreed boundries & if you ever feel boundries might be crossed unsafe the agreed safe word would always apply & that should go for both parties - not that I have a lot of experience in this but the girl, the women, the partner should always be respected regardless of how she wants things to play out - essentially you are a real person underneath the play so I would really play to what really turns you on but anything outside of this discussed - agreed or trialled with us