Bdsm and tears

[kingem125]

So in bdsm the word no and ouch aren't words to stop doing something... So when I watch bdsm porn some of he girls there are screaming and crying... So is crying really not a sign to stop.... If I was in a session and the girl started crying I would just be like oh my god and I would cry a few tears my self feeling like an ass for hurting her..... But if she is just moaning then I would keep going I think...

 

[Redkate]

Keep in mind it's porn... A visual sexual fantasy. It's probably not completely real.

But I've cried in scenes before and haven't wanted it to stop. I guess you have to get to know your partner and trust that they will safe word or trust your instincts to know if it's going to far and making you uncomfortable too.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Sometime I just need that total release that crying gives me. It also means that I really trust that person to be able to go that far with me. And it shows that they trust me enough to safeword if I need to.

 

[rexhame317]

I have cried during a scene before . Once was when I was punished with the belt, definately hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes. Or during an extremely rough fuck. My Dom actually asked me after if I was ok, and I was , did not know why I had tears. Except the orgasm I had was more intense than ever, the sting of the belt, the force used during sex, who knows.

 

[the_new_guy_234]

It's a positive sign that you've thought about this, too many people wouldn't care enough to worry. But the main thing to remember is to have a safeword then when it gets too much you'll know straight away.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So in bdsm the word no and ouch aren't words to stop doing something...
So when I watch bdsm porn some of he girls there are screaming and crying...
So is crying really not a sign to stop....
If I was in a session and the girl started crying I would just be like oh my god and I would cry a few tears my self feeling like an ass for hurting her.....
But if she is just moaning then I would keep going I think...

I broke this up a little for three reasons. 1) I hope you can see the poor construction and repetitive beginnings and endings. 2) I hope you will re-read it, and *you* will see some of the errors. 3) To respond to a specific semi-hemi-demi question.

Crying is not really a sign to stop - unless it is. This is where you have to actually *talk* to the person you're planning to spank/flog/paddle/crop/cane/whatthehellever. First, set up safewords. The most common are

Green - I like it. Keep doing it. (Maybe even, "Do it more.")
Yellow - We're approaching my limits, or I need to catch my breath a little bit before we go on, or slow down/back off/lighten up a bit.
Red - STOP. No other meaning, just STOP.
​

After safewords are thoroughly understood by both of you, discuss other things of concern to either or both of you. You, for example, might inquire about the possibility of crying, and whether its appearance is something that should concern you.

Regardless of safewords, etc., YOU are the PYL. YOU are responsible for your actions. If at any time you have concerns about the safety and/or stability of the person you're with, YOU have to take action to alleviate those concerns. *Ask* her: "Are you okay? What's your safeword color right now?" If she responds "Green" but you still have concerns that she may *not* be all right, simply tell her, "I'm concerned about [xyz]. I think it's best that we stop for now, take a breather, discuss what's just happened, and then maybe try again a little later, or next week."

Unless, of course, you *want* to go to a state prison for the next two to 20 years. In many areas of this great country, there are laws in effect that essentially say that a person can not assent to being spanked/flogged/paddled/etc., and that the person who *does* the spanking/etc. is guilty of domestic abuse or aggravated battery, and can be sentenced to a lengthy period of incarceration in a state prison. If, after a session with your friend/target/pyl, she decides that you are not the love of her life, and you didn't have her best interests in mind, she can call the cops or state attorney's office, say, "I have a bruise," and the next thing you know, you're on trial.

Can you picture yourself walking into your new prison cell and meeting your new cellmate? "Hi, I'm Kingem." "I'm Bubba. What are you in for?" "Oh, I spanked my girlfriend and left a 2.4 x 1.8 centimeter bruise on her left butt cheek, so I got five years for aggravated assault."

After five minutes of hearty laughter, you then hear a zipper sliding down and the words, "Bend over, baby. I'll teach you agg assault."

ETA: PLEASE stop with the ellipses (....). You only need one period to end a sentence. More don't end it more abruptly or thoroughly. In fact, ellipses are most commonly used to indicate that there is more to a particular sentence/paragraph, which has been ellided to make the sentence more understandable and readable. Some (including myself) also use them occasionally to imply that the reader is intended to draw a certain conclusion or finish the sentence him/herself.

If you're asking a question ("So is crying really not a sign to stop") there's a lovely little punctuation mark that indicates a sentence is a question. It's called a question mark. On a standard QWERTY keyboard, you'll find it at the lower right corner: SHIFT + ?/. Please use it.

 

[Madraykin]

I also tend to cry when things get really intense. Being something of a masochist (physically and emotionally) it's inevitable that I'll cry, whether it's from pain, anger, shame, or simply by being overwhelmed by what's happening to me.

Personally I'd be disappointed if my partner stopped to make sure I was okay every time I cried, because that emotional release is something I need and crave. Also, I like it that my tears and vulnerability turn him on, because it means he finds me sexy even when I'm a snotty blubbering mess . And we do have that safe word in case things get out of hand, though I rarely if ever use it anymore.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I also tend to cry when things get really intense. Being something of a masochist (physically and emotionally) it's inevitable that I'll cry, whether it's from pain, anger, shame, or simply by being overwhelmed by what's happening to me.

Personally I'd be disappointed if my partner stopped to make sure I was okay every time I cried, because that emotional release is something I need and crave. Also, I like it that my tears and vulnerability turn him on, because it means he finds me sexy even when I'm a snotty blubbering mess . And we do have that safe word in case things get out of hand, though I rarely if ever use it anymore.

Yeah, I kind of left one factor out of my peroration above: the long-term or extremely familiar partner factor. There comes a point in the interaction of two (or more) people when they have a good understanding of each other's needs, desires, and reactions, and less real need for safewords, because they pretty much comprehend what's happening with the other(s). It didn't seem to me to apply to this particular OP, so I ignored it to keep things as simple as possible. However... even with long-term partners, safewords can be a good thing, because people are mutable, and the impact of a caning that brought one to a gooey puddle last week *could* turn into an unbearable torture session this week, due to chemical or biological or emotional reasons that neither partner is really aware of until they trigger an unwelcome reaction.

 

[Madraykin]

Yeah, I kind of left one factor out of my peroration above: the long-term or extremely familiar partner factor. There comes a point in the interaction of two (or more) people when they have a good understanding of each other's needs, desires, and reactions, and less real need for safewords, because they pretty much comprehend what's happening with the other(s). It didn't seem to me to apply to this particular OP, so I ignored it to keep things as simple as possible. However... even with long-term partners, safewords can be a good thing, because people are mutable, and the impact of a caning that brought one to a gooey puddle last week *could* turn into an unbearable torture session this week, due to chemical or biological or emotional reasons that neither partner is really aware of until they trigger an unwelcome reaction.

Yes, definitely. I was just pointing out to the OP (and anyone else who might be reading with a similar concern) why crying isn't necessarily an issue. In my case, for example, I'll totally shut down and become unresponsive (to the point where I might not even be capable of using my safe word) when things go bad. To the OP: It is your responsibility as the PYL to know your partner and recognize such things. And it will take experience/trial and error/communication to do so. And even then you might not get it right .

 

[njlauren]

Tears are not necessarily a sign that the scene has gone too far, that the person is really hurt, with all the endorphins flying and the emotions driven to a high plane, tears can be a natural reaction even if the sub/bottom is not in distress. The fact that people can shed tears of joy tells you tears are not always about pain or sadness. I have been involved in pretty tough scenes, witnessed a lot more of them, and a common reaction afterwords is often to cry, it is catharsis, letting go of the emotions that build up and/or physical letting go (not really sure, even having done it myself).

It is part of the tough part about playing, especially when it is intense, it can be hard to see if someone is okay or not, it takes a lot of knowing someone, reading their emotions, their body language, their state and deciding if it is okay to go on (safewords are great, and always, absolutely always have to be obeyed if the sub utters them) but in the end it is up to the person in control to make that judgement call.....maybe it is taking a timeout (especially with D/s couples) to have an open check in, where the s can speak freely [in my own experience with D/s, that was an automatic right, may not be in other relationships) if there is any question of whether the sub is okay or not. People may differ on this, but not only because of what Sir_Winston said (which sadly is true, and the law in this case is not just in socially conservative places, happens in supposedly 'liberal' places where especially with M dom/fem sub play, there is the assumption it is automatically abuse) but simply because knowing how bodies and people react in trauma situations, it can be really, really hard to know what is going on, whether someone is okay or not, and a lot of times the person in question may not be able to respond...... basically if you have any doubt, any question, it is bette r to err on the side of caution, rather then assuming. Worse comes to worse, you stop a scene, figure out the sub/bottom is okay, and go on again, there is nothing 'un-dom' about that...

 

[desertslave]

Crying is usually a very good thing with me, as Master well knows. I tend to bottle up emotional stress, sometimes, to the point where I'm raveling at the edges and can't create my own resolution (if that even makes sense). That's when he takes me in hand, pushes me hard, physically, and takes me to the point of tears. It might be from pain, it might be from a creatively done mindblowing orgasm, or both! Ultimately he drives me to tears...not silly little sniffles, but great, gasping sobs. Somewhere in there he finds my reset button. When I come down I'm drained, relaxed and (once I get my act together) bright & shiny again. Catharsis, at its finest.

The best part is that he seems to know when I've gotten to that point even better than I do. I'm forever grateful.

 

[kutsujuu]

Catharsis, at its finest.

That's how I feel about tears too. For me they are cathartic. Some of the best "sessions" we've had have had me in tears during some point. Tears are, after all, a form of release.

 

[the captians wench]

I play with sadist. No mater how bad it may sound, they like to see me in pain. They like to make me cry from it, because they like my pain. I submit to it because, 1) I like the pain too, and 2) I know they like it, and I want to make them happy.

There was even a point during my last stay with Jounar when I looked at him and said,"I want you to hurt me!" With him, pain is love in my head.

There are times I ask for tears. Usually it's under times of stress when I really want to cry, but can't let go for what ever reason. In those moments I ask for the tears, and he's happy to supply them.

But when it gets down to the dirty, he is a sadist, he wants my pain whether I want it or not.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's a positive sign that you've thought about this, too many people wouldn't care enough to worry. But the main thing to remember is to have a safeword then when it gets too much you'll know straight away.

Although, be aware that occasionally people can get into a headspace where they're too freaked out to use their safeword. If you're getting a bad vibe don't be afraid to stop and check, or at least remind them that the safeword exists.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The safeword CAN be; "Stop!"
if you two agree to that.

 

[hunnyblonde]

When I play any manner of hard or forceful submission, if I'm not crying, you're not doing it right. *smile*

I think that many submissives want their Doms to push them beyond a point where they feel emotionally in control. Physical power exchange is frequently not enough. The emotional side is a deeper release, and it's one of the few times in life you can just feel whatever the hell you're feeling, and it will be appropriate to your partner.

I also kind of feel like I tend to say and do things I wouldn't normally say/do once I've hit that emotional barrier and gone beyond. So that's.....enlightening, and exciting.

 

[the_new_guy_234]

Although, be aware that occasionally people can get into a headspace where they're too freaked out to use their safeword. If you're getting a bad vibe don't be afraid to stop and check, or at least remind them that the safeword exists.

Yeah. Above all, its best to know your partner

 

[the captians wench]

The safeword CAN be; "Stop!"
if you two agree to that.

This.


I also don't believe in saying "no" when I mean yes. If I say, "stop" or "no" that's what I mean and I expect it to be respected. I think, personally, saying "stop" when I mean "don't stop" or "no" when I mean "yes" is just dangerous.

 

[Sirtimothyk]

I agree. Know your partner, establish a safe word. I've never spanked anyone to tears.

 

[Netzach]

This.


I also don't believe in saying "no" when I mean yes. If I say, "stop" or "no" that's what I mean and I expect it to be respected. I think, personally, saying "stop" when I mean "don't stop" or "no" when I mean "yes" is just dangerous.

I dig this. Unless it's explicitly agreed otherwise, because I can see the once in a while value. I like playing with things to look for that are spelled out, like "until I cry" or "until you break skin" or "until I go non verbal."

I don't consider myself a service top, because that's too deferential really, but I see it like pairs skating or something, something you both make happen.

 

[Shankara20]

Several time when I was a first starting out with this stuff as a bottom I broke down in real heavy crying. This involved several Ma'ams and was under several very different circumstances. In each case Top was able to understand that this can happen, did not panic, did a little check in without over talking it to death, and then continue what she was doing.

I had not called safeword after all. Had I called safeword all play would have stopped not to be restarted that day. The outcome of those sessions were much different then what I had wanted going in, but were very self-instructive and aided my growth.

 

[the captians wench]

Several time when I was a first starting out with this stuff as a bottom I broke down in real heavy crying. This involved several Ma'ams and was under several very different circumstances. In each case Top was able to understand that this can happen, did not panic, did a little check in without over talking it to death, and then continue what she was doing.

I had not called safeword after all. Had I called safeword all play would have stopped not to be restarted that day. The outcome of those sessions were much different then what I had wanted going in, but were very self-instructive and aided my growth.

Most of the tops I've played with have known how to handle tears...but when I start giggling, that throws them for a loop. And I'm more likely to safeword in the middle of a giggle fit than I am during a full out sob.

 

[Madraykin]

Most of the tops I've played with have known how to handle tears...but when I start giggling, that throws them for a loop. And I'm more likely to safeword in the middle of a giggle fit than I am during a full out sob.

Haha, yes, the giggles! It'll happen completely at random and I have no idea why, but when it does I'm pretty much done. Like I won't be able to take anything that's done or said to me seriously at that point.

Once I even managed to laugh and cry at the same time. My boyfriend even said something to the effect of, 'Im not sure if I should be worried right now or proud.'

 

[Redkate]

I can cry and giggle at the same time too!
Lol I thought I was the only one

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

I can cry and giggle at the same time too!
Lol I thought I was the only one

Nope, not the only one.

If there's a little pain? I make minor sounds of frustration and annoyance. Awful, awful pain? I go almost completely silent.

In the middle? I laugh. It's not a chuckle or giggle, but a sort of hysterical, manic laugh--like the type that you might associate with the Joker--and it's always accompanied by this god-awful smile that hurts. Some tears might leak out, but they usually feel more like tears of laughter--it doesn't feel like I'm crying, if that makes sense.

The crying--bawling, actually--happens every time I come, without fail.

Some people, I think, just have crossed wires. It helps if you have a partner that finds it endlessly amusing.

If I were to ever cry from pain? It would be something so bizarre he'd likely stop, even if I didn't feel we were in safeword territory.