BDSM and Open Relationships

[spankableBelle]

While i was reading dragonlace's thread about LDR's and BDSM, a few mentioned that theirs had been or is an 'open' relationship. And so on the heels of that, i wonder how those in 'open' relationships handle, emotionally/mentally, when their P/partners exercise this option and T/they don't...O/one does and O/one doesn't.

Similarily, how does the P/partner that does exercise the 'open' option feel when they know that they are the only one in the relationship that will exercise it?

i hope this makes sense.

belle

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm the 'active' member in an open relationship, and it doesn't bother me a bit. We started out open, we hav e remained so for our entire relationship. There was a time where we both we playing with other people, but as we became more serious, she chose not to play with others. I chose to continue, but I trust her advice on potential play partners, and she usually has some sort of contact with each of my play partners. With her level of involvement, I don't feel like I am doing something that she can't...it is easier for me, so I do it, with her acceptance and even her support.

 

[spankableBelle]

~smiles~ thank you, Johnny.

Now, i'm simply curious, how do you keep from desiring more from your play partners than merely play?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

~smiles~ thank you, Johnny.

Now, i'm simply curious, how do you keep from desiring more from your play partners than merely play?

Because I get everything else from my submissive. I like a little sexual variety, but I get the serious needs filled 'at home', you know?

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I'll put my 2 cents in...give you the other side of the coin. You'll have the whole view point of a complete relationship that way *grin*. Like He said, at one time, I did exercise my "open" option, and chose to stop doing that when things became more serious between us...things between that playpartner and I had also reached a natural ending, and it was a good time to just finish things.

So, how do I handle Him continuing to play? It's something we agreed on from the very beginning. It's part of the fabric of my life with Him. We talk, talk, talk, and talk about everything. We have no secrets. Like He said, He discusses potential partners with me, and generally, I have some sort of contact with His partners.

But, that isn't the most important thing. Nope. The most important thing is this. I am His owned submissive. He has no interest in getting another one. Playing isn't about checking out new blood. It's about playing and having fun. In a few months, when we live together, I hope to join in some of that fun myself

You see, I trust Him and believe to the core of my being that I am first in His life, and THAT'S why I don't have a problem with an open relationship. If you can't believe that...if you think that He's out there checking out the subs for a replacement for you....you've got NO business attempting an open relationship.

It's not for everyone. But it works for us.

~anelize

 

[spankableBelle]

It's not for everyone. But it works for us.

Amazing! And no, it's not for everyone, but some it does work. And i'm glad that for you it does. ~smiles~

belle

 

[niteshade]

I am not in any kind of relationship these days, but the last 2 serious relationships I was in where both open, and though I had an option to find play partners of my own, I never really had a desire to do so.

I love the way Anelize described her feelings, but for me, it works a little differently. I simply made a decision when I was 13 years old, and that decision was this:
I am not going to care about something that I can't change. I decided that it would not bother me if my partner needed some variety, and I somehow managed to set that idea so firmly in my mind that it is simply unshakable. I refuse to allow someone else's desires or needs to make me miserable, and besides, if you aren't the one they love, aren't the one they want to come home to, then the day will come when they don't come home at all; and if they don't love you back, it isn't really love anyway.

I am always very upfront when I enter a new relationship, and I have only two rules- one is that I will not tolerate being lied to, and two is that safe sex is king.
I do not give second chances on these rules; you break it, you bought it, say bye bye. An open relationship is just that simple for me.

Edited to add that neither realtionship ended as a result of any issue stemming from the playing going on.

 

[Bandit58]

At the moment Master and I are in different countries. I had two other partners while we developed our relationship to where it is now, and I am also bi. We will be together physically in less than 10 days and this will be my first experience in D/s play. Master knows of the fuck buddy I have here and is not bothered by it, in fact He insists on all the details He has played with another sub once and told me all about it both before and after the fact.

I know I am much more to Him than just a play partner, and vice versa. So what we do while we are apart has no bearing on how we feel about each other. He is also searching for other ladies (not necessarily sub) to be with us during my visit to Him. I do not feel threatened by this either because we both will be playing together, and I will be the one in His bed and arms at the end of it......

 

[stuntcock]

My girlfriend (of three years!) and I have a somewhat open relationship. We're both very bi-sexual, so the "open" in our relationship extends to members of the same sex. I love to suck cock, and she can never get enough of being with other girls. We started out trying an open relationship with anyone available, but found out that we are both too jealous for that, lol. It takes a lot of communication, and a lot of emotional maturity on both parts.

The trick is to make it fun, and not exclude your partner if they want to participate with you and your other play partners on occasion. It's not for everyone, and I couldn't even see doing it with any of my past relationships. Sometimes it just works out Good luck!

 

[Krinaia]

it amazes me still. but then again a year ago it amazed me that anyone could see pain as pleasure and not think they were mentally unstable. and now here i am craving a deeper delve into it so i am holding on and trying to understand ... who knows what changes will continue to come!

 

[Netzach]

I had a fuck friend and bottom I saw occasionally but consistantly for 5 years before I met M and I had no intention of cutting him out of my life for any reason. Similarly, I had no intention of him being my primary. (It's just not going to happen)

That made the whole open relationship question the big one on the table from the get go.

It didn't phase M, who is bi, but never expected a potential girlfriend NOT to have problems with this. M was freaked out recently by being hit on by another GIRL when he went to get our take out. I think for him, it's more comfortable for HIS activity to be same-sex. And this was just being hit on. I told him to get her number and find out if she's queer, silly goose. Also the thought of watching him ball some other chick is massively arousing to me, can't be sure why.

Most unease stems from thoughts of being replaced, and the more different the other person is, the less worry is invoked, for us anyway.

If I were to get another 30 yo androgynous sub dude to play with I think it would bother him, likewise, if the GIRL at the bar had been a Dominant punk rock intellectual and not a cute wholesome bodyworker, I might have been more antsy.

The fact that we both like older men has made the older man thing more ok, conceptually. He likes nerds though, and I like suits.

 

[sdedalus]

My girlfriend (of three years!) and I have a somewhat open relationship. We're both very bi-sexual, so the "open" in our relationship extends to members of the same sex. I love to suck cock, and she can never get enough of being with other girls. We started out trying an open relationship with anyone available, but found out that we are both too jealous for that, lol. It takes a lot of communication, and a lot of emotional maturity on both parts.

The trick is to make it fun, and not exclude your partner if they want to participate with you and your other play partners on occasion. It's not for everyone, and I couldn't even see doing it with any of my past relationships. Sometimes it just works out Good luck!

I think we may be nearing this point in our relationship, although she thinks she would be more comfortable with me playing with guys rather than girls.

I think it can be okay, if you are safe and you make sure that there is no emotional involvement, but that it just stays sexual.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For us there is no open relationship as such, nor do either of us see it ever being a thing for us in the regular sense described as wanting variety. As with most things, we acknowledge it could change in the future, but can't see that being the reality. I have had 30 years of sexual experimentation and found no-one who could make me feel the way Master does. Similarly, he has experimented and been left wanting, so for us, apart from lacking the desire to, we don't seem to have a valid reason to at this point.

We do share though in the lifestyle sense. Master shares me with others on occassion as a part of play and humiliation. This means he seeks and finds partners for me, and the scene is under his total direction in his presence. If he felt I was keen and seeking others, I daresay it would end. At this point he has not exercised his right to introduce other women into play where he might also interact with them. It is a plan for the future, but once again more as the other person being a tool in a scene where I would also be present, not an actual sexual partner outside the relationship in the normal or swinging sense. I admit, the idea of him with another woman in my presence is not something I find impossible, and at times I can see lots of advantages and fun. Added to that, I have no doubt about where our hearts lay and where it seems they will always live.

I think as others have said, it is a personal choice and where you are at in your relationship, and above all is dependent on deep trust and good communication, and why one or the other partner feels they want to exercise the option. Is part of who you are personally and as a couple. For those who can make it work successfully and is what both want, it is great. I do know from talking to others some agree to it because they see it as a no choice area, similar to many vanilla relationships which do the same. That is sad as underneath it all is a minefield of deceptions, hurt, and a relationship based on fear instead of love.

Catalina

 

[SweetDommes]

While i was reading dragonlace's thread about LDR's and BDSM, a few mentioned that theirs had been or is an 'open' relationship. And so on the heels of that, i wonder how those in 'open' relationships handle, emotionally/mentally, when their P/partners exercise this option and T/they don't...O/one does and O/one doesn't.

Similarily, how does the P/partner that does exercise the 'open' option feel when they know that they are the only one in the relationship that will exercise it?

i hope this makes sense.

belle

It makes perfect sense, and this is something that I have dealt with. I can only post from the side of the one to uses the 'fuck buddy' option, but I know that we feel the same way about it, even though she doesn't play with others.

We discuss potential partners before I play with them, and everyone that I have played with, she has played with as well (I'm just the only one of the 2 of us who plays one-on-one with them - if she plays with them, I am there too). We talk about any problems as they come up rather than letting them build up, but so far, nothing has been a problem other than I was laying in a state of undress with a boy when her brother came over once - and that was her brother's fault for not calling first. The reason that I am the only one who plays around much is that I have a much higher sex drive, I always have, I probably always will ... We both know it, and this is one of the ways that we deal with it without me driving her insane.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

*Open*

I am a fan of open relationships. I always have been. It just makes sense to me that no matter who i love, i may not be able to satisfy every want and sexual need they have. Not only that but if i find myself with a man (in love) well, eventually i am going to want a woman. It has always been that way. (I have found, though, that when i am in a relationship with a woman, i very rarely want or need a man.) The main thing with poly-amorous relationships is communication and the ability to be able to trust one's partner. If there is no communication, no trust, well then obviously..an open relationship is just not gonna cut it. Someone will definately end up hurt.

just my 2 cents
pet

edited to add that in all my time of poly amorous relationships...i was the one who usually decided to give up the others. For me, it was a no brainer. I wanted to put all my energies into the important relationship. On the rare occassion when it was reversed...amazingly enough...the relationship did not last.

 

[MissTaken]

I do believe that for an "open" relationship to work, there must be a lot of communication. Everyone's needs must be oultined clearly and concisely and thereby, boundaries will be established.

In theory, scooter and I share an open relationship. I say "in theory", because we haven't executed the "openess."

We have talked for months about how this "open" relationship should happen to meet both of our needs. We have established a template, if you will, of what this relationship would look like. This includes where our comfort zones lie with respect to sharing one another and under what circumstances we would want to be with someone else as well as how and the ideal "whom."


And planning has been half the fun!

When we are ready and feeling the need, I am confident that it will be fine.

 

[SweetDommes]

I do believe that for an "open" relationship to work, there must be a lot of communication. Everyone's needs must be oultined clearly and concisely and thereby, boundaries will be established.

We have talked for months about how this "open" relationship should happen to meet both of our needs. We have established a template, if you will, of what this relationship would look like. This includes where our comfort zones lie with respect to sharing one another and under what circumstances we would want to be with someone else as well as how and the ideal "whom."

We discussed it at length before ever exercising the "open" part of the relationship. We both agreed that anyone I played with (or vice verce, although I am by far the more likely to have a playmate) would be someone that Holly had met and approved of, someone who knew the total dynamics of the relationship (that I am committed to Holly and he/she isn't going to change that - ever) and was also ok with it.

-Miss Karen

 

[Justina123]

Anelize said:

The most important thing is this. I am His owned submissive. He has no interest in getting another one. Playing isn't about checking out new blood. It's about playing and having fun.

Ditto. Sir and I agreed to an open relationship at the very beginning of our "dating." For us, this means we may both play with others so long as we communicate with one another about it and use protection if sex is involved. This hasn't changed since we became 24/7.

Play is fun. Sometimes at a play party I'll play with someone else, sometimes when Sir is present, sometimes he gives his okay and does not remain. Sir knows several submissives he has played with off an on over many years, and why should that stop? I think Anelize really said it perfectly. Each of us occasionally playing with others in no way detracts from the value of what we share. And it is just plain enjoyable.

- justina

 

[Kajira Callista]

Trust , a strong foundation, honesty and security. Thats my 2 cents

 

[lil ozzie sub]

My Mistress had 2 fuckbuddies when we got together. They knew we were going out on our first date and were the first ones we told when we ended up in the sack. The fuckbuddies are still on the scene and we've even added another 2 (one mine and one ours). I don't play on my own much, but that is my decision.

Being in a lesbian relationship gives us more scope to play with our boys. They are as much under Miss K's control as I am even though they may not realise it. I know that they will not replace what we have together, but they add a little extra spice. When we play together, I am her 'second in command' or 'personal assistant' so the boys have both of us to deal with. Even though it is all planned by her prior to the play session.

I'm happy for Miss K to go off on her own with B, he is her favourite boy toy and if I'm really good, I get to join in. But she as also said to me that if I feel that it's affecting our relationship, she will get rid of him. I love my Mistress sooooo much, I'm happy for her to keep playing because it makes her happy and if she is happy, I'm happy.

 

[FungiUg]

Hey Belle,

I have what I call a "semi-open" relationship. If I wanted to have sex with someone other than my partner, I could discuss it with her, and go from there. Similarly the other way around. But in most cases, we prefer to play with other people as a threesome.

At this point, it's only been me exercising that part of our relationship -- funnily enough, while I was experimenting with BDSM. There was definately some associated relationship stress during that, although most of it centred around my lover realising she wasn't submissive, and worrying I would leave her to hook up with a submissive. So... lots of communication and reassurance required.

How would I feel about her having sex with someone else? Well, again the preference is for both of us to be involved, but to be honest, it wouldn't really bother me. Well, there are some things that could bother me:

1. it was really crappy sex (I'd feel disappointed)
2. she caught an STD (same risk the other way around though)
3. she got hurt (grrrr)
4. she no longer had time for me (if it were a regular thing)

At this point, it's all rather hypothetical, since she's never wanted to have sex without me being involved. That could change, but it would take someone special, since she seems to think that I'm a fabulous sexual partner, and doesn't really want to have sex with anyone else. (In fact, point #1 is as much her worry as mine.)

So it's easy to say "this is how I would feel" when it's never actually happened... but what would it be like if it really DID happen?

In my previous long term relationship, I was married to a woman who decided she was gay, and had an affair with another woman. I didn't have an issue with that while it was happening, up to the point where my ex-wife decided she no longer wanted me. THEN it was a problem! And in that relationship, I had been monogamous.

So you do run a risk of losing your partner to someone else in an open relationship. But then, you ALWAYS run that risk -- just with open relationships, you can communicate about what's going on, rather than hiding affairs and so on.

To be honest, I don't think "open relationships" are anything more than an admission of reality. Rather than tacit permission to play around with others, they are simply admitting that humans are not designed to be monogamous. Affairs and broken relationships abound, so why not be honest and upfront and address the issue? Allow it to be talked about?

So I don't expect any miracles or better communication as a resule of being in an "open relationship". Just a chance to be honest with each other.

Hope that helps!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I must be wired different. I have always told partners I would prefer they did it openly if they decided they wanted or needed to go elsewhere for any reason, and meant it. As for me I seem to switch off that sense that even looks at anyone else with a speculative notion while I am in a relationship. That being said there were time when I might think someone like Antonio Banderas for a night could be interesting (serious stuff....LOL) while still in a committed relationship.

These days I don't even think like that. If I force myself to think how it would be to voluntarily play sexually with another man it just doesn't appeal in the slightest....call it tunnel vision if you will....Master is all that exists sexually, romantically, and dominantly in my world. I realise I am blessed and I think it is great for those who are wired the opposite, and wholly support openness over cheating and deception, is just not how I am made I guess. The downside is Master wonders if he is headed for an early grave from exhaustion!! Truth is if he does he can't blame me as he has a similar problem as I in that he can't get enough of me and feels no sexual or romantic interest in other women.

For me I think part of it is over the past 30 years I have experimented far more with many more than most friends of mine or people I have met, so I no longer have that indefinable curiousity of what else might be out there. I figure if most failed to come close to satisfying me, and those that did occasionally, came nowhere close to Master so why bother fantasising I might be missing out on something. Reminds me of the saying 'when you've got the best, who needs the rest'. I am no longer left feeling insatiable....at last!! LOL

Like Fungi says, there is a risk in involving others, and not always because they offer something you or your partner can't but simply because emotions can be tricky things and fool us into thinking someone is something they are not, which is a bitter pill to swallow if you realise after throwing away the happiness you had already, and decided to gamble with. Guess I am not a good gambler, and more than a little selfish in wanting to keep what took me a lifetime to find.

Catalina http://www.smilies4you.de/content/liebe/b17.gif

 

[DVMnLA]

Daddy and i have an open relationship and i find it very exciting. we talked about what we wanted early on so there were no misunderstandings. even putting aside bias, Daddy is very beautiful, intelligent and confident. when He enters a room everyone stops for a few seconds to watch Him. He's a huge man ...6'5'', 295lbs of graceful solid defined muscle... so that's part of it but the rest is His personality. He owns a room. but He's not conceited at all. i think thats the best part of all. He's convinced not conceited.

Daddy isn't hunting sport anymore but sometimes sport finds Him. my favorite game is to watch Daddy seduce and take another male. in the 20 years He's been in play i've never seen a man He couldn't have if He wanted him. after Daddy is finished playing with His new meat, He comes to me and uses me. He repeats 'mine mine mine' over and over letting me know that no matter what other sport He has i am His first priority. in a way its an ego boost for me. He can and does get anybody He wants but He always comes back to me

lots and lots and lots of talking plus confidence in your relationship with Him/Her is the only way it works