BDSM and marriage

[kitty4bi]

My husband and I met through a d/s connection. I was into d/s some, and he was into d/s heavily. He had 4 part-time subs before me.

I eventually moved in with him as a collared submissive.

After about a year, we decided to get married. However, when we got married we found that maintaining a d/s lifestyle was difficult because of family issues. We decided that we would limit our d/s to just the bedroom, which has worked out well.

He has trained a couple of subs since we have been married, and that has gone pretty well, and I have been able to explore being more domme with a woman. I will always be sub with men, though. Plus, we meet other BDSM couples on ocassion who have similar interests.

My question is for those who have maintained a d/s relationship following marriage. How did you make it work?

Kitty

 

[AngelicAssassin]

My question is for those who have maintained a d/s relationship following marriage. How did you make it work?

Kitty

Talk to catalina & Francisco and Anelizedarkeyes when they're around.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The short answer is lots and lots of communication, hard work, compassion and understanding, patience in megaloads at times, a commitment to wanting to maintain it as it was and is what we want/ed (as opposed to vanilla which we don't want), being able to be flexible when necessary and also to grow together, introduce new ideas and play, consider each other before anyone else or our momentary libido driven urges, and being able to recognise neither of us is perfect though are perfect for each other so we need to be there for each other through good times and bad....and a whole lotta love.

Catalina

 

[arctic-stranger]

The short answer is lots and lots of communication, hard work, compassion and understanding, patience in megaloads at times, a commitment to wanting to maintain it as it was and is what we want/ed (as opposed to vanilla which we don't want), being able to be flexible when necessary and also to grow together, introduce new ideas and play, consider each other before anyone else or our momentary libido driven urges, and being able to recognise neither of us is perfect though are perfect for each other so we need to be there for each other through good times and bad....and a whole lotta love.

Catalina

Do you guys have kids?

 

[LunarKitten]

My husband and I met through a d/s connection. I was into d/s some, and he was into d/s heavily. He had 4 part-time subs before me.

I eventually moved in with him as a collared submissive.

After about a year, we decided to get married. However, when we got married we found that maintaining a d/s lifestyle was difficult because of family issues. We decided that we would limit our d/s to just the bedroom, which has worked out well.

He has trained a couple of subs since we have been married, and that has gone pretty well, and I have been able to explore being more domme with a woman. I will always be sub with men, though. Plus, we meet other BDSM couples on ocassion who have similar interests.

My question is for those who have maintained a d/s relationship following marriage. How did you make it work?

Kitty

It's a lot of hard work, for sure. We try to put aside "us" time, I cook dinner almost every night (I love to cook) and always serve him first - even when we have guests. When we are alone I call him Master, when we are around others I call him Sir - which, in the southern part of the US, isn't thought twice about lol. We also try to make at least one local event a month, so we get to interact with others and "be ourselves", while learning new things.

It also takes a lot of communcation and love and support and lots and lots of patience on both parts. We have an eleven year to work around, as well, and are in the midsts of planning the next, as well as house hunting and getting ready to move, and both of us working more than forty hours per week. So, you have to know ahead of time that you're not going to be able to be "on" all the time, life is going to stick it's ugly vanilla head in a lot, but if you've got a "game plan" you can deal with it more easily. Even just little things like serving his dinner plate first reminds me of my place and how much I love serving him. Calling him Master or Sir (though I do slip at times and call him Dear lol), reminds me of our relationship. I've always said I can live without spankings and floggings, etc...but I desperately need the M/s part of our relationship to stay on an even keel and feel stable and secure.

Communication is the key. Sit down and talk to him about what you want and work out a way to through little things into your day to remind you both about what you love with each other.

 

[kitty4bi]

Catalina

I agree with what you wrote and beautifully said.

My concerns were/are about two major issues. The first you hit dead on. I think that it is difficult to continue d/s on a 24/7 basis without what you mentioned.

I wonder how many can actually accomplish this on a long-term basis. I'm sure that some can, but it must be an incredible challenge. To be honest, d/s wears me out physically and mentally over a long period. The intensity of d/s is simultaneously invigorating and exhausting.

The second is the simple issue of how you present your relationship to the rest of your family. It would be simple to make comments or to do something that piques the interest of family members. In a conservative family (from the deep South), it could be difficult.

Kitty

 

[kitty4bi]

Lunarkitten

Those are some great ideas. Thanks for the info.

I have 2 sisters and 6 cousins, all female. All of the women, except for me, are dominant. They married men who were more on the submissive side. My hubby (dom) is the only male of the group who gives any indication of being dominant. This makes for an interesting time during family gatherings, which are frequent. Neither the men nor the women care for him that much, at least they don't demonstrate it. The best they do is the expected cordiality for a family member. Calling him "sir" in that setting would really draw some looks. LOL

Kitty

 

[h_i_s]

While we will not be officially married until next month, we've been living together under the same roof (although we just moved and now have a 'new roof') for close to a year now. We live D/s 24/7, both in & out of the bedroom.

Many may wonder how this is possible while still managing to hold a job, deal with the children, and interact with 'vanillas'. We manage simply because our D/s is always active between the two of us even though we have managed to communicate and interact in a manner which does not make it apparent to others. Many times i am submitting by serving Him in nonsexual ways in which others might see our relationship as normal yet old fashioned. Sometimes it might involve simply getting Him a glass of iced tea without Him asking (unless 'the look' i catch followed by Him glancing at His empty glass counts as being asked), or sitting on the floor at His feet rather than beside Him on the sofa while we visit the home of friends. Sometimes it may be something even less apparent to others such as my being there in absense of a bra or panties under an outfit that He selected for me to wear for the evening.

In our D/s relationship it's not ALL about sex. His dominance is evident both in and out of the bedroom, and my obedience requires that i submit in any way that pleases Him. This includes always remembering that i am a reflection of Him while in the public eye and that any lack of compliance to His wishes, or disobedience, or disrespect toward Him is a basic breech of the very foundation of all that makes our D/s relationship what it is. Of course, i won't jump off a bridge, nor allow my life or phsychological nor emotional state to be put at risk or damaged and He would never ask for, nor would He allow such.

While we do not flaunt our D/s way of life, we do not feel stifled in having to hide it behind closed doors, and instead have found subtle ways of enjoying D/s where ever we may be & with whomever we may be with.

¸,ø¤º°sinn0cent°º¤ø,¸ proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND

 

[sunfox]

I'm frequently not nearly as elegant as the others who have already posted, but in being married to my Dominant, I find much the same as everyone on this thread.. Patience, patience, and more patience. Willingness to take the time to make certain both of our needs are being met in our relationship and the way we interact. And it is, as already stated, the little things that matter. Getting his dinner, bringing things he needs to him before he asks, serving him first... small things, but they all help to keep my head in the right place when we're not deep into a BDSM moment.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Do you guys have kids?

I have a daughter and granddaughter in my homeland, and my teenage son lives with us. F has taken on the responsibility of both of us which is not an easy position to be in at times. Both my children are aware of our relationship and how it works, though we are not in their face about it but also do not hide the visible signs such as collars, canes, etc. F doesn't have any children of hs own which is a shame because he is wonderful with them and they love him. My granddaughter for one fell in love with him and proceeded to charm him as she does most people.

Catalina

 

[Bandit58]

I have been living with Master since January last year. Not married (yet) though we have talked about it, but I have just gotten divorced from my first husband so we are not rushing into anything We are an "older" couple, He has a daughter and two grandchildren and I have a grown son (21) and a daughter (17) who live in New Zealand (Master and I live in Sydney Australia).

Our D/s is mainly in the bedroom though He has chronic health issues and I serve as His carer which means I do find myself "subbing" outside that area. Things like getting His medications and setting up the dialysis machine, plus the usual cooking etc. When we are out with friends I don't sit at His feet but I'm always watching to make sure His blood sugar level seems ok or that He isn't getting too tired. LOL our friends know we are "kinky" anyway There have been a couple of times where I have sat uncomfortably because He has spanked me the night before we are due to go out!

Things have just "evolved" if that is the right word.....He has not actively given me orders, it's just the way it has happened over the course of the time we've been together.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

We've never been what you call a high-protocol couple, *grin*, we're just the opposite actually. Laid-back, and easy on the ritual stuff. That's not to say we don't do it, but it fits pretty seamlessly into our life, and doesn't scare the family too much when we go to visit

I don't "Sir" him all the time...more when we are by ourselves, but it's not a punishable offense if I miss one. It's a term of endearment, like babe, or hun. Then there's Yes, Sir used in an entirely different context...when I've been asked a direct question in the Dom voice, and a plain old "yeah" won't do. Part of being in this relationship is being cognizant of when those times are.

He does all the cooking and grocery shopping, by his choice. I keep the house clean, and do the laundry. We tried the whole me sitting on the floor thing, but my back couldn't take it. I'm getting to old for that shit

My favorite ritual is his evening shower before work. I sit in there with him and chat with him, sometimes wash his back, hand him his towel, and follow him into the bedroom as he gets dressed. Pack his lunch, and send him out the door with an "I love you, be careful"

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that for us, being married and doing D/s isn't any different that the way we've always done D/s, because we've never taken ourselves that seriously, or put that much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect, hard-core, M/s or D/s relationship. Our relationship is what is it. What matters to us, is that it works for us, and it works for us just as well now that we're married as it did when we were living together. Life is too fucking short to take things so goddamn seriously, and too spend too much time staring at your bellybutton lint. D/s is for living, not for ruminating about.

Go out there and live it.

~Anelize

 

[LadyNatasha]

We're not super high-protocol either, but D/s is in every part of our daily lives, really. It's not really a big deal for him to always defer to me regarding decisions, etc and his servitude is merely seen as consideration.

 

[NCShin]

thanks for these replies everyone.

I'll be getting married here in about a month so this thread has been of great interest. (actually there seem to be a lot of good threads today)

Here is a question that might come from anyone about to get married.

Did things (in D/s) change much from dating, or living together, to being married? If so, what changed, and why?

 

[catalina_francisco]

We tried the whole me sitting on the floor thing, but my back couldn't take it. I'm getting to old for that shit

LOL, nice to know I am not the only one who ends up inelegantly trying to get back on her feet after such wonderful subly demonstrations, only to end up with him having to lend a hand or watch me stuck there for the next hour or so moving slower than a turtle. Just doesn't seem to fit in with taking care of property when it renders them immobile and in need of painkillers, nor does it make for much service over the next few hours.

My favorite ritual is his evening shower before work. I sit in there with him and chat with him, sometimes wash his back, hand him his towel, and follow him into the bedroom as he gets dressed. Pack his lunch, and send him out the door with an "I love you, be careful"

Once again this sounds so familiar....maybe our mothers are long lost twins?!!

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that for us, being married and doing D/s isn't any different that the way we've always done D/s, because we've never taken ourselves that seriously, or put that much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect, hard-core, M/s or D/s relationship. Our relationship is what is it. What matters to us, is that it works for us, and it works for us just as well now that we're married as it did when we were living together. Life is too fucking short to take things so goddamn seriously, and too spend too much time staring at your bellybutton lint. D/s is for living, not for ruminating about.

Go out there and live it.

You always have the perfect way of saying what is most important. Life is for living, and while we choose to live it differently than some, it is still about experiencing more so than trying to create that picture perfect image of what it is 'supposed' to look like according to some. Give me the reality anyday, even with the imperfections and challenges, the less than exemplary moments.

Catalina

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

We're not super high-protocol either, but D/s is in every part of our daily lives, really. It's not really a big deal for him to always defer to me regarding decisions, etc and his servitude is merely seen as consideration.

Absolutely agree - again, not a high-protocol couple. One of the major concerns my wife expressed prior to accepting me as submissive was how people in public would react. I told her, the kind of ways in which I behave submissively in public are the things that are seen by people as being romantic: helping her with her chair, helping her with her coat, deferring ultimate decision to her, holding doors, etc etc etc (some of it, such as being a support for her to lean on physically are also due to her medical conditions). No "Mistress", no sitting at her feet, none of the protocol stuff. Simply, accepting her needs and wants as more important and trying to serve them - which for a woman is seen as "traditional" and for a guy is seen as "romantic".

 

[Hajar]

We are very much like Anelize not high protocal, he's very laid back, we work with in each other's strenghts.
Living in the south it's not that strange for me to call him Sir and my 77 year old uncle even gave him a pat on the back for it when I slipped and called him that at a family gathering, lol.
But in my view it's it the details that submission is shown, and when you have a family and work, in order to keep the D/s, M/s to the forefront, the details must remind you of your place, may it be serving him/her first, making sure that he/she never runs out of his fav beer/wine, cooking their fav meals, having your own rituals, the same way that as a family you build your own rituals.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Almost no one in AMF's and my circle of friends, aside from our online friends, know about our lifestyle, which works for both of us, I believe. I don't make her a collar in normal settings, at least not yet. I would give consideration to whether or not she is being embarrassed or humiliated in public, as that is one of the limits of our Master/slave relationship that is spelled out in our contract. No one is to be humiliated. We love each other too much for that. We're engaged, but that is simply a different expression of our feelings for each other than my position as her Master.

She knew that I was a Master from day one, and I knew that she wanted to be a slave right away too, as it was one of the first things that came up in our online conversation. She also knew about my bisexuality and predisposition to multiple sex partners, and accepted them, which is part of the contract, with reasonable limits, such as the use of protection and no romantic kissing (she is also permitted other partners with the same conditions). I have a saying "Slaves are people too." I mean it. She is my slave, but she is also a smart, beautiful, passionate woman, and I respect her, with no loss of respect just because she wishes to submit to me.

So, to me, marriage and BDSM are not mutually exclusive. Marriage is my public declaration of love for her, and vice versa. I can declare it without marriage, and do, but marriage is another way to declare it.

Although an open, unorthodox marriage, it will be a marriage in every sense of the word. It is simply a marriage between a Master and his beloved slave.

 

[LunarKitten]

thanks for these replies everyone.

I'll be getting married here in about a month so this thread has been of great interest. (actually there seem to be a lot of good threads today)

Here is a question that might come from anyone about to get married.

Did things (in D/s) change much from dating, or living together, to being married? If so, what changed, and why?

Actually, it was surprisingly easy for us to ease from one to the other. The only thing that really changed was that I started cooking every night instead of cheating and having cereal for dinner when he didn't come over