BDSM and blackmail

[intofdom]

I have been thinking about this for sometime now.
For an everyday normal guy/gal with a little kink but keeps it private.
Isn't BDSM with another guy/gal you meet, maybe in an SM club quite risky?
Doms love control. Wouldn't they think of blackmailing you with a little "I'm gonna show everyone who you are unless you do this and that"..
Has anyone be blackmailed like that?
Could this be a reason why a lot of us hang in online sites and discuss kinky stuff rather than doing it in real life?

 

[seela]

That's one reason why people are picky about who they play with, I guess. BDSM is risky, but I don't think being blackmailed ranks very high on that list. I'd be more worried about not having my limits respected or something.

Call me naive, but the only realistic situations where I can imagine some sort of blackmailing happening are the end of a relationship ("I'll tell your sister what a dirty slut you are if you dump me"), custody battles ("my ex is a weirdo who likes to beat people, Your Honor, so clearly he/she is not stable and thus I should get full custody") and the likes.

A lot of people talk about kinky stuff online instead of doing it because they don't have anyone to do it with, or don't know how to go about finding someone to do it with, or they want to talk about it and fantasize to see what gets their juices flowing, or many other reasons. And discussing kinky stuff online doesn't mean they're not doing it in real life as well.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I have been thinking about this for sometime now.
For an everyday normal guy/gal with a little kink but keeps it private.
Isn't BDSM with another guy/gal you meet, maybe in an SM club quite risky?
Doms love control.

I love icecream too, but that doesn't mean I'd eat kitten-and-whalemeat flavour.

I'm interested in consensual control and pain; nonconsent only interests me as a fantasy. I spend a lot of my domly time thinking thoughts like "is that good pain or bad pain? Are those ropes OK or are they cutting off her circulation? Do I know where my safety shears are? Is she in a headspace where she can tell me if she's unhappy?" And so on.

Certainly there are some doms who are abusive and predatory, but there's plenty of that among vanilla folk too; I haven't seen anything to suggest that doms are worse on average than the rest of the world.

(That said, I'm not much on hookups with strangers.)

For public figures, there are definitely risks - see Mosley v News Group for a highly-publicised example. But blackmail has major risks for the blackmailer too.

 

[BiBunny]

Ok, before anybody starts screaming "SSC!", I would like to point out that blackmail is a fetish for some people. Certainly not mine, but it exists.

Too tired to say more. Ambien kicking in. Maybe Netz or someone will be around later.

*Passes out*

 

[Primalex]

Ok, before anybody starts screaming "SSC!", I would like to point out that blackmail is a fetish for some people. Certainly not mine, but it exists.

Blackmail as a fetish is a very strange thing.

I mean, let's take rape. When it's about rape, 99% mean consensual rape, 1% include non-consensual rape. Okay, that's fine. But for blackmailing, I've never ever encountered the rare 1%. And I can't believe that my problem is that my sample is too small.

I think the reason why there is non-consensual rape as (very rare) kink but not non-consensual blackmail is, that blackmailing is about losing trust. So although the "being helpless" part might seem the same, just in one case more physical and in the other more psychological, it seems the difference in the trust-part of the kink is enough to turn non-consensual blackmail into a glass over a candle situation.

 

[Primalex]

custody battles ("my ex is a weirdo who likes to beat people, Your Honor, so clearly he/she is not stable and thus I should get full custody")

Sad thing is that most likely more vanilla people had to face such charges than kinky people.

 

[welkin]

I haven't really worried about being blackmailed because uhh, if someone were to out me as a "pervert" for liking to have something done to me (I'm a bottom per Stella's definition), aren't they also outing themselves as a pervert for doing that something to me?

Of course, this mutual guarantee fails if the other person doesn't care about their reputation. So, play only with people who respect you as well as themselves.

 

[Primalex]

I haven't really worried about being blackmailed because uhh, if someone were to out me as a "pervert" for liking to have something done to me (I'm a bottom per Stella's definition), aren't they also outing themselves as a pervert for doing that something to me?

"Words or conduct which would not intimidate or influence anyone to respond to the demand would not be menaces ... but threats and conduct of such a nature and such an extent that the mind of an ordinary person of normal stability and courage might be influenced or made apprehensive so as to accede unwilling to the demand would be sufficient for a jury's consideration."

So, by definition, blackmail can only be something that is able to make you do something. You are talking about threats, not about blackmailing.

 

[Cmay]

Trust

Blackmail as a fetish is a very strange thing.

I mean, let's take rape. When it's about rape, 99% mean consensual rape, 1% include non-consensual rape. Okay, that's fine. But for blackmailing, I've never ever encountered the rare 1%. And I can't believe that my problem is that my sample is too small.

I think the reason why there is non-consensual rape as (very rare) kink but not non-consensual blackmail is, that blackmailing is about losing trust. So although the "being helpless" part might seem the same, just in one case more physical and in the other more psychological, it seems the difference in the trust-part of the kink is enough to turn non-consensual blackmail into a glass over a candle situation.

I agree with you. Trust is the key element here. In order for any one individual to become involved with a Dom, or in any relationship, you must have some amount of trust for them. Gaining trust as the relationship progresses.

In a blackmail case, that has been stripped away. You can never develop a healthy bond with your partner, if you cant trust them.

 

[Dyslexicea]

I have been thinking about this for sometime now.
For an everyday normal guy/gal with a little kink but keeps it private.
Isn't BDSM with another guy/gal you meet, maybe in an SM club quite risky?
Doms love control. Wouldn't they think of blackmailing you with a little "I'm gonna show everyone who you are unless you do this and that"..
Has anyone be blackmailed like that?
Could this be a reason why a lot of us hang in online sites and discuss kinky stuff rather than doing it in real life?

If I wasn't already laughing the question would be laughable.

Why would BDSM be any different than any other type of "kink". If it's not absolutely vanilla sex, everyone could be blackmailed. A wife like to cheats, she's blackmailed for sex. A politician has sex with call girls, he's blackmail for political favors. An attorney likes multiple partners, she's blackmailed for money. A corporate executive and her husband are swingers, she's blackmailed for insider trader tips.

Besides that for most people it wouldn't be worth the effort of a blackmailer.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have felt threatened by the possibility of trouble with someone in a bar-- not as a bottom, but as a top.

A lady comes up and wiggles around on her seat and tells me how she is a bad girl *wink wink*-- I tell her; "If you cannot say 'Please spank me' you don't get nothing."

 

[LeatherChainsPunk]

I have been thinking about this for sometime now.
For an everyday normal guy/gal with a little kink but keeps it private.
Isn't BDSM with another guy/gal you meet, maybe in an SM club quite risky?
Doms love control. Wouldn't they think of blackmailing you with a little "I'm gonna show everyone who you are unless you do this and that"..
Has anyone be blackmailed like that?
Could this be a reason why a lot of us hang in online sites and discuss kinky stuff rather than doing it in real life?

Well, "Doms" who actually do that shit are showing how little trustworthy and responsible they are. And it would backlash on them on the level of reputation. And a good Dom has a lot of trustworthiness and responsibility.
Beginners shouldn't play just with anyone the moment they meet. First what is needed is talk, talk and talk. And the talking should be on both sides. You should get to know each other first. I mean, if you were vanilla, you wouldn't 'make love' with just anyone you just met, would you? Well, if so, no matter if male or female, you'd be a slut in my book.
Perhaps the internet gives a beginner some safe room to explore more, to get to know the 'rules' first. If so, that's good.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Well, if so, no matter if male or female, you'd be a slut in my book.

Finally a man after my heart. In my opinion there are many more male sluts than female ones or there would be if women acted like men sexually.

Perhaps the internet gives a beginner some safe room to explore more, to get to know the 'rules' first. If so, that's good.

And possibilities.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Ok, before anybody starts screaming "SSC!", I would like to point out that blackmail is a fetish for some people. Certainly not mine, but it exists.

I think it's pretty common as fantasy fodder, but for me "enjoy as a fantasy fetish with a consenting partner" is a world away from "would do to somebody who doesn't want it".

 

[Ahlam]

Blackmail is certainly a legitimate concern. I sometimes worry about how my professional life might be impacted if the wrong people were to find out about my...inclinations. It doesn't really motivate me to relegate discussion of kink to online only because I am willing to take the risk, but I guess I can imagine how it might for some people.

 

[BiBunny]

Blackmail as a fetish is a very strange thing.

I mean, let's take rape. When it's about rape, 99% mean consensual rape, 1% include non-consensual rape. Okay, that's fine. But for blackmailing, I've never ever encountered the rare 1%. And I can't believe that my problem is that my sample is too small.

I think the reason why there is non-consensual rape as (very rare) kink but not non-consensual blackmail is, that blackmailing is about losing trust. So although the "being helpless" part might seem the same, just in one case more physical and in the other more psychological, it seems the difference in the trust-part of the kink is enough to turn non-consensual blackmail into a glass over a candle situation.

I never thought about it that way, but it's a good point.

My experience with blackmail fetishists has 100% been consensual (duh, it was work). They want to be "forced" and "coerced" and blah, blah, blah, but if they didn't really want me to "blackmail" them, they wouldn't give me the information.

Personally, I find it tedious as hell. Truth be told, I don't *care* enough about them to blackmail them.

I think it's pretty common as fantasy fodder, but for me "enjoy as a fantasy fetish with a consenting partner" is a world away from "would do to somebody who doesn't want it".

I get the feeling, due to the way the question is worded, that what's being talked about is something along the lines of "Oh, NO! You wouldn't...force me...would you?"

 

[njlauren]

In theory someone could try blackmailing you for being into kink, but as someone else pointed out, most of us into Kink have little a blackmailer would care about. More importantly, chances are someone you meet at an S/M club or play party would be just as vulnerable, so it isn't likely to be an issue.

The only cases I know that bordered on this (and this is just my own, limited view) were not with other kink people, it is when someone non kink finds out about it and outs the people, usually for some sort of revenge. There was a case many years ago, probably at least 15 years now, where a couple was into S/M, and a 'friend' of theirs stole a videotape of them playing from the house after an argument,and the fuck outed them. The couple went through all kind of hell, they had the kids taken away (thanks to some dumb schmuck avenging DA, who apparently was some typically repressed Catholic shithead), they lost jobs, it was ugly. I think letting non kink people know is probably more of a threat then kink ones, because they are a lot more likely to out you. I think times have changed enough that with the more knowledge of kink these days, this is a lot less likely to happen. I know of cases where in divorce court in recent years a spouse tried to use kink against their soon to be ex, and it was ruled to be inadmissible, so things probably have gotten better.

 

[ChinkyGurl4u]

I like that blackmail is considered a fetish by some. I fall into that fetish category, as a fantasy only of course. So long as the blackmail is forcing me to do things that deep down inside I want to do anyway (make a bondage porn movie for instance and forced to say and do things I normally wouldn't) and would never willingly do otherwise, and certainly would never want my family and friends to know about. That excites me every time. Does that make sense?

 

[LeatherChainsPunk]

Finally a man after my heart. In my opinion there are many more male sluts than female ones or there would be if women acted like men sexually.

I want to make this clear, I don't think being a slut is a bad thing; if you wanna be a slut, be that way, but take the consequences, too. Nothing comes without consequences.

 

[leighannste17]

Sex is a consensual act. It is true that there are alot of fucked up people in the world. But blackmail as a fetish; really isn't that uncommon, if you've read some of the stories on this site. Rape and blackmail are real in some situations, but if it's consensual between two people, then it is simply a fetish, or an idea. I got dogged on this silly dating site because I have a live blog, giving a brief description of my sex acts. It wasn't deep descriptions. Just quick little opinions I shared.

One lady responded, "I can't believe you would write about something so private!"

So I followed it with another live blog. If you don't like something, then don't read it.

The people in my life. Don't read my writing. So i'm not worried about blackmail. My roomates and I have em, but we ask eachother out of respect not to read it. Sometimes it's the strangers you have to be careful about though, which is why I never put up naked photos, or cameras, I never give out my phone number or address. In real life I can tell the differance.

Even in the world of kink, we have barriers; and those barriers should be talked about and agreed upon. It's another relationship that involves trust.

It's the idiots that don't study it enough and don't really follow it that get involved in it. That get into trouble. I don't have alot of experience in it. But I'm studying it. If it's something I want to try later on, in a relationship, i'll bring it up to my partner.

 

[Primalex]

I like that blackmail is considered a fetish by some. I fall into that fetish category, as a fantasy only of course. So long as the blackmail is forcing me to do things that deep down inside I want to do anyway (make a bondage porn movie for instance and forced to say and do things I normally wouldn't) and would never willingly do otherwise, and certainly would never want my family and friends to know about. That excites me every time. Does that make sense?

No, because I think it's not true. Or let's say: incomplete.
If I would blackmail you, you wouldn't be excited at all, even if I would only request things that you would want to do anyway.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

It is completely correct to be concerned about this issue. The problem is A LOT more serious than most people know or realize. You might suppose that 'an ordinary suburban person' would not be a high-value target for a blackmailer - but not so.

The Mosley situation was deeply concerning for reasons that the mainstream media itself is too mired-in to talk about. Firstly, there was no blackmail. It was a straightout hit. The media played an active role in setting Mosley up and there are grounds to believe that they had conspired with various competitive interests in the world of Formula 1 and high level commercial sports to push him off important management boards. They weren't blackmailing him; they were deliberately destroying him in order for others to take over his role.

And secondly, and frankly, most disturbingly of all, it is absolutely clear that parts of the British Secret Service had a hand in what transpired. And the problem with that is that they have clearly used disposable 'ordinary people' as smokescreens to disguise their very very very professional hand in things.

I am on record elsewhere as indicating well and truly before things were revealed publicly, that concerning matters were afoot with the following: JIO Director Alex Allen, Max Mosley (that's a while back now and there is little archival stuff of mine left and I no longer post on those older boards), blackmailing of gold mining execs in South Africa, spies at the Nanyang Insitute in Singapore, operatives in the medical world exploiting women patients' access to their husbands, and matters to do with prostitution of Russian ballerinas.

I am not at all sure what could possibly be the motivations of what used to be a rather well-regarded body of organisations but in case anyone has doubts about what I am saying, well, watch this space. The next cab off the rank will be a relatively young and rather naiive billionaire Australian who is surrounded by criminal minds of the absolute first water. Nothing can be surer than that he will go the same way of the above instances of the 'hidden hand of dark influence.'

So far as I know this particular identity is not involved in anything kinky - but others within the clutch of the same group have been and were subsequently damaged via that aspect. There is both money and power involved in what happens and the end targets always seem to be the very highly-placed and the very well-heeled. But I don't think any other conclusion can be reached than that either there are rogue elements running amok in the British Secret Service, or that this group has taken an unfortunate turn for some historic reason.

Set-ups that involve prominent people are extremely well-organised and involve large numbers of 'helpers. There are deeply planned strategies involved that are laid long months in advance. Paying of people to secure assistance happens and that is not the same thing as blackmail at all.

There are contradictions to the idea of ordinary blackmail as such, via the exploiting of someone's secret kink - but I'm not going to go into it here very deeply.

There are GRAVE dangers in not being able to estimate the other person's bona fides and genuine kink interests. And I have to concur with those here who have said you can, if you take some care, work out who is for real and who is not - but that you MUST do so at all costs really if you want to be safe. There therefore is no such thing as 'a Dom who just does whatever they want and can get away with' or a Dom who consistently tries to overpower someone just on account of 'that is what Doms do.' That is categorically NOT what genuine Doms do or behave like. Certainly not in the real life world of real active kink-based involvements.

It doesn't matter that there still are a lot of people who want things to be different and give a lot of lip service to the phrase SSC - I prefer that they use the word 'responsible' instead. They are simply being irresponsible if they give the slightest indication of stupidity, ego-centricity, dismissiveness, self-proclaimed superiority, or any other hint that they are unable or unwilling to be the soul of discretion and fully sympathetic to a potential rl involvement. If someone says or does anything that gives you any doubt whatsoever, just 'don't go there.'