Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

If you can't afford presents this year, at least wrap a lot of empty boxes so you'll still have nice ambience, and your children will be in good spirits all the way up until Christmas Day.

 

[mnbreastluver]

To get sticky pine off your hands after setting up your Christmas tree, try masturbating. Your natural fluids break down the stickiness and it adds a fun “tingly zing” at the same time!

 

[Trubbycat]

If you hate your neighbor/boss/whoever, send threatening letters to the president using their return address.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Never let a silica packet tell you "DO NOT EAT." Stand up for yourself. It's not your boss.

They probably have minerals that are good for you or whatever.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

"Don't try this at home" is just a suggestion.

 

[Trubbycat]

Plastic bags are great toys for young children.

 

[mnbreastluver]

To get your secret crush to kiss your penis just hang a mistletoe above it.

 

[Nicefella]

Feel free to play your nipples, ladies, at work. It’s a protected activity.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your car gets stranded in the snow, quickly get out, strip naked, and dig a snow cave so you can hibernate like the apex predator you are.

 

[mnbreastluver]

That gift you received but didn’t like last year. Rewrap it and give it back to them this year. They probably wanted it for themselves anyways

 

[stickygirl]

If your fingertips get frostbite it shows how weak they are. You don't need that weakness in your body - cut them off and be stronger

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are having a stomach ache, you should drink bleach or some other type of cleaning fluid. Since most cleaning fluid has a high pH level, it will counterract the acidity of your stomach acid!

 

[stickygirl]

If you're worried about declaring your carry weapon to traffic cops, superglue it to the roof of you car where it can be seen

 

[stickygirl]

Drawing a gun will deter most criminals. Always pack a note pad and pencil

 

[mnbreastluver]

To prove you're not worthless, sell your organs in the black market.

 

[stickygirl]

Nothing says 'love' like a fart under the sheets. For a memorable gift follow through on Christmas morning

 

[Mrtenant]

Hold your pecker out while at bat in your next baseball game. Use that to swing with at the next pitch and impress all the ladies and prolly some of the men.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Don't limit your dirty sex talk to conception. Women love it when you keep it going through the labor and birth. Say things like, "Six centimeters dilated? I bet you are, you little slut. Let's see if we can get it up to ten."

This has the double-advantage of arousing her and producing lubrication, which helps the baby slide out.

I'd also recommend slapping the doctor and asking if he or she likes it.

 

[Trubbycat]

When buying condoms ask the drugstore clerk if you could try some on to gauge the best fit.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Women when going to a sex shop and can’t decide which toy? Pick out 6 to test out They have no problem returning the ones you didn’t like.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

Women when going to a sex shop and can’t decide which toy? Pick out 6 to test out They have no problem returning the ones you didn’t like.

FYI - With electric or battery operated things, they do actually turn them on while there to make sure they do work before the item leaves the store.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Wrap up several empty boxes and put them under your Christmas tree. Then toss one into the fireplace every time your kid acts up.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you're a single guy, grow your nails and paint them so when you jerk off it looks like a woman is doing it.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you're nervous around other people's dogs like German Shepherds and Rottweilers, just walk up to their owner and shove them around a little. The dog will see you as the new pack leader and you won't have to worry about them anymore

 

[mnbreastluver]

Give your Christmas tree kerosene instead of water and it will be easier to burn after Christmas.