Bad Random Life Tips.

Need a nice folding table? Look for a table with junk on it that's says "Free" on a table and take the table, leave the junk because you only needed the table.
 
Light your fireworks off inside your house to prevent your annoying neighbours from getting a free show.
 
Always commit crimes during the hour before the daylight saving time change in fall. When security cameras switch back to 1 am, it will erase the footage of you.
 
Drive with your gas tank as close to empty as possible. You get more mileage thanks to the less weight.
 
If you find a great vacation rental, leave them a terrible review. Then there will be more available dates for you to book your future stays.
 
Fart in elevators to avoid vampire attacks. I’ve been doing this for years, and I’ve never been attacked by a vampire in an elevator, but I have driven several vampires out of elevators over the years.
 
If a cop asks you for permission to search your vehicle, it's important to remain firm but respectful. Tell them, "Officer, while I have the utmost respect for law enforcement, if you want my drugs, you're going to have to buy them just like everyone else."
 
Take your turkey out the freezer now and place it on the countertop to start thawing. So it will be ready to cook for Thanksgiving.
 
When a sales clerk asks what size your wife/girlfriend wears, slide your hands over her ass, look thoughtful for a moment and say "a bit smaller."
 
If you’re having trouble keeping the spark alive in your relationship, put on socks and drag your feet across the carpet prior to kissing your partner.
 
Don't worry about using your credit card on that website you heard about from that strange email. It'll be fine! And buying the app they are selling really will help you find young singles in your area
 
That Nigerian prince is a super ni e guy and will totally come through with the money.

But you waiting so long to answer him has been tough. He has been trying to make ends meet by calling people about their cars' extended warranties.
 
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