Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

Its fine if you don't fix your car, its your car's problem, not yours. You don't have to help it every time, it has to get its own shit together. If it keeps begging for money, get a new car who doesn't. You don't want to feel like that friend who does everyone's homework, right?

 

[mnbreastluver]

Hard to wake up and not feeling too fresh in the morning? Wash your face with a toothpaste and for extra freshness - be sure to apply the toothpaste in circular motions around your eyes!

 

[mnbreastluver]

The fastest way to master a martial art style is to invent one yourself. You'll be the best in the history of the world for that particular style.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Become a hoarder to deter home invasion and burglary.

Criminals won't know where the valuables are stashed.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you own a white unmarked van, make an emergency toolkit that includes common supplies like zip ties, duct tape, rope, condoms and chloroform. You never know when you will need them. Be prepared.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you run fast enough towards your router, your internet speed will skyrocket due to the Doppler effect.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Its fine if you don't fix your car, its your car's problem, not yours. You don't have to help it every time, it has to get its own shit together. If it keeps begging for money, get a new car who doesn't. You don't want to feel like that friend who does everyone's homework, right?

Goddamn cars, always looking for a handout.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Volunteer for an upcoming mission to Mars. You don't have anything going for the next two to three years, do you?

 

[mnbreastluver]

Get gas for $1.35 @ Taco Bell

 

[HotBrand]

Want to improve your athletic technique by studying AND doing?

Run behind random joggers with a camcorder.

They'll be flattered that you chose to follow them too!

 

[mnbreastluver]

She isn't responding to your calls? Head over unannounced and just walk on in to make sure she is ok.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Plastic surgery websites are a decent source of porn

 

[stickygirl]

Deflate your spare tire, then when you get a puncture, the car will be at the right height to swap them over without a jack.

 

[lilmissdarling]

Do you think that fence is an electric fence? Pee on it and find out.

 

[stickygirl]

If you overhear a mother describe her painful childbirth, mention that you have piles and can share that pain with her.

 

[HotBrand]

Are you a music loving man trying out Tinder? Just copy the following for your bio:

Man. Music lover. 10".

Before you know it, you'll get matches with loads of people, who also want to talk about vintage vinyl records!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Is your banana still green, but you want it NOW? Put it in your microwave on high for seven to ten minutes and problem solved!

Now you don't want the banana anymore.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Want a glowing body now? Dive into a vat of nuclear waste!

 

[Shenanigans90]

If you get a divorce, make sure your next wife has at least one more child than you. This will ensure you receive more child support than you pay out.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you want to take a short nap and avoid a long one, nap when you have to pee. That way you won’t fall into a deep sleep because you’ll be uncomfortable from a full bladder.

 

[HotBrand]

Are you learning to swim and don't want to just "jump in the deep end"?

Dive into the shallow end instead.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you don't want to talk to your Uber driver, when they start talking to you just say "Sorry I'm deaf" in a deaf voice. Or not in a deaf voice.

 

[mnbreastluver]

To stop your shower curtain from blowing towards you in the shower, weigh down the bottom of it with mold.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Become a dragon by taking a shot of gasoline, washing it down with 151-proof rum, and then lighting a match inside your mouth.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Don't double check if you've locked your door anymore. If it looks locked to you, it'll look locked to the robbers.