Bad Random Life Tips.

[beachbaby179]

Yeah. When you're already feeling sad, it's a GREAT idea to watch a movie about somebody dying. Great idea, bb.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Need a twist tie to keep your bread fresh? Simply take the nose piece from a friend’s mask!

 

[latecomer91364]

When you go on a porn site where you have never registered and get a little pop-up window saying that 'such and such' left you a message and has pics to share...

Don't get too excited

 

[mnbreastluver]

Instead of spending all that money to stock the whole spice cabinet just buy allspice instead.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Gun owners: To confirm your weapon is unloaded, point it at your foot and pull the trigger.

 

[stickygirl]

If you're dining out choose a fish dish. When you spray the food with lemon sanitiser, it won't spoil the flavour.

 

[stickygirl]

Make your own raspberry ripple ice cream by serving vanilla with a cut finger

 

[mnbreastluver]

When shopping for canned mushrooms, keep an eye out for bulged cans. Sometimes the cannery accidentally packs extra mushrooms in- their loss is your gain!

 

[stickygirl]

When you apologise to the next guest that you left a dead otter in the bowl, leave a real dead otter

 

[stickygirl]

If an old lady can't reach a product on a high shelf, lift her up so she can

 

[stickygirl]

When passing horse riders in a car, slow down, give them plenty of room and they'll always give you a wave in thanks. Acknowledge them by sounding your car horn as you drive on.

 

[mnbreastluver]

White-out your toilet paper to use it again.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are nervous about your driving test, drink a glass of wine or a bottle of beer beforehand to help you calm your nerves

 

[TwinkleStars]

Are you having a bad day? Get a phone book and call up strangers. When they answer, scream "FUCK YOU" in to the phone then hang up. Call as many people as you can until you feel better.

 

[TwinkleStars]

To save water take your showers outside while it's raining.

 

[JerseyJade]

Is your nose and head plugged up because of a bad cold or allergies? Get instant relief by doing this: Open a bottle of ammonia, put your nose up against the top and take 3 deep breaths. Works every time.

 

[stickygirl]

If you fly into Germany but don't have the fare for a cab, shout Heil Hitler and do a few goose steps and you'll get a free ride into town.

 

[de_valmont]

If you fly into Germany but don't have the fare for a cab, shout Heil Hitler and do a few goose steps and you'll get a free ride into town.

Even worse: Painting on fascists' election posters. That's counted as a crime.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you want a free meal, walk into go to Chipotle and get one from the area where they keep the mobile orders.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Sit on your dick for a while until it goes numb, then when you masturbate it’ll feel like you’re giving someone else a handjob.

 

[sally_sparrow]

People don’t need to be trained. If they didn’t know what they were doing, we wouldn’t have hired them.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are on a plane that's crashing, just wait until it's about six feet above the ground, open the door and jump out.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Always weave a little, and all the other cars will stay away from you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a police officer asks you if you've been drinking, just say that you don't remember drinking but possibly because you've been drinking.

 

[sally_sparrow]

A glove filled with warm water creates the illusion that you're not alone.