AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[Lifestyle66]

@Lifestyle66
Link

Two quick things at the front. One, you used the word ‘lifestyle’ eleven times during the course of this story. My count might be off by a little, as this word appears in both your name and the story title so a quick search is misleading, but we get it.

We all get it.

Two, every single character in this story is immediately identified by skin-deep attractiveness. This one has a nice ass, and that one’s tits are great. We find out how big the wife’s tits are before we find out her name. We know everyone’s height immediately.

With actual sex, and with porn, these are things that the eye will grasp immediately, but erotica is a different medium. It’s capable of a lot more depth and nuance, of slow introductions that happen on different levels and at a different pace. While there are surely some readers who are sitting there, dick in hand, eager to assign the most basic mental image to every character you introduce to them, it’s not good writing. We’ve talked about this before, about choosing which kind of success you are interested in as an author; that success on Lit doesn’t always require good writing and that good writing doesn’t always succeed on Lit.

If you put bad writing in front of us, however, we’re going to call you on it.

***

There is a complicated relationship between the universe of erotica and the universe of reality. As we recently pointed out, erotica tends to be a kind of idealized version of reality where everyone can cum twice, all the women are squirters, and nobody has to poop ever. It might be tempting to look at things like this and think “Ah ha! I don’t even have to try because realism is a nonsense goal!”

Bear with me here.

Clearly, this story is trying to appeal to someone. You probably had a kind of reader, or an audience in mind . Those people, whoever they are, are looking for points of reference. They want things to make at least some kind of sense. Feet people are looking for the story to talk about a heel dangling from an upturned toe. Ass people are looking for the moment the love interest bends over to find something fell on the floor. Signifiers.

I might be thinking an extremely hot thought when I wrote “Ahfdklja bke ble gor aiga!” but it doesn’t come across unless I, the writer, and you, the reader, are using the same language. Signifiers. If we take this basic idea and stretch it a little, we can reasonably arrive at “erotica needs to be about people.”

What does that mean? Well, it means that our characters need to resemble human beings. Act like them. Talk like them. Have human concerns.

For example, Ted and Jan have, as near as we can tell, one and only one rule about going to these events; stay in the room together. It doesn’t happen, because the story wants to break rules for the sake of being hot, but then later when this comes up there’s no angst. There’s no disconnect and frustration and it’s fine.

It’s not fine. It’s lazy.

It doesn’t make the wife look extra cool to break rules and get away with it. It makes you look bad as a writer. It changes this story from being “about two people who have a complicated relationship” to “a boy holding a naked Ken doll and a naked Barbie doll, and smashing their midsections together while insisting loudly that it’s super hot.”

This story is about two swingers who have found a swinging/orgy group they like. They arrive at the location, a location they have been to before, and then get a guided tour around the building that takes, what, 3000 words? A third of the story, including a few stops here and there? If you had been to a place, and someone took this much of your time giving you a tour when you could be getting sucked off or eaten out (or doing the sucking and eating, as your preference allows), you’d be annoyed, but this doesn’t phase these two at all because the story and their experience has been warped to fit a narrative that suits no one.

Why include the bar at all? What is the point of this? Who looks at a woman riding a man and says, out loud, “I thought that was very erotic.”

It’s all so inorganic. None of it flows well. Nothing is rooted in any kind of backstory, or natural progression. None of these people feel real.

(If, right now, you’re gearing up to try to tell me about “the backstory” that happens in the first 11 chapters, then I’ll make it easy; point me to the moment that explains why the wife always carries a spray for red wine stains. If you can’t, then just take this advice under advisement and meditate on it.)

Imagine if, using tinker toys, you constructed a single, perfect, three-dimensional 36D boob. Every dimension lovingly recreated, with a teardrop contour and a perfectly round nipple. It might have the shape of a boob, it might resemble a boob, especially from a distance, but no one is going to get off to it. It’s missing the humanity. It’s missing the rest of the woman. It’s missing the texture of her skin, and the quality of the moan that comes out of her when you brush the nipple just so. It’s missing how warm her breath feels on your skin when you’re that close to her.

It’s missing the people.

Thank you. All good points that I'm working to understand as I learn to write three dimensional characters for better stories.

The Bar Group is introduced at this point in the series as a regular meeting place for swingers, which the main couple can reference in future chapters. That scene was further used to illustrate some of the other dynamics of swinger relationships in the greater series arc (ie. being dissed by a couple in an e-mail in Ch 06, then meeting them when the other wife seems oblivious to the slight, and the dynamic of bumping into a co-worker at a swinger event.) And my previous Strip Club story referenced the wife's first Bi encounter with another woman, who she will meet in their next Bar Group meeting, so this Group introduction was needed for the greater story. (Strip Club would have been a later chapter in the series, but I changed it for the Pink Orchid challenge.)

But one point you missed interpreted: This is their second house party, but the first time in this house. While the one woman briefly told them how this house was laid out when they arrived, the hostess asked if they wanted a tour, and it was just polite for them to accept (I apparently didn't make that clear.).

I think some of your critique is (justifiably) due to reading a snapshot in this one story out of a series. Among the earlier chapters, we find the "same room" rule is Jan's rule to watch her husband, and he only finds it irritating with the double standards when she violates her own rule (he declined fucking another woman, then found his wife with her targeted boy-toy in Ch 09). I received a similar critique from a comment on Ch 11 "Demons Past" that my stories lack catharsis, or emotional closure for such overlooking of her breaking the rules. His cavalier attitude toward her breaking the rules is somewhat (in earlier even more amateurish writing) brought out in his geek beginning in Ch 01-03 with his attitude "it is what it is". So, I need to better illustrate his quick decision of accepting the lessor of two evils between grudging acceptance or explosive reaction. (He grew up in a VERY quiet house in Ch 01, where such things didn't happen.)

But I do appreciate your analogies in my need to write better descriptions of the people. I think it's a combination and balance between better repeated descriptions of the MC's character traits, level of effort in describing throw-away characters who will not be seen again (Maggie will be a re-occurring character), and the overall length of each chapter.

Thanks.

 

[Omenainen]

@soflabbwlvr
Link

Nice writing. I think you capture the thrill of peeking and fear of getting caught well.

As a story, this is short and more of a stroker than a slow burn with actual plot. We see that the protagonist is kind of horny and bored, but that’s all we get to know about him. Why is he so horny and lonely? Is he usually a peeping tom or is this his first time? Is it usual for him to drool over little old ladies? I think this could have benefitted from a little bit more background info or characterization.

As a stroker, this is good. It reads well, there’s the mounting thrill that then culminates. If one reads this and only identifies with the protagonist, as one is prone to do when reading with dick in one hand and the story in another when the kink hits one’s sweet spot, I’d say it delivers well enough.

However.

I’d like to use this opportunity to talk about my “Why would she though?” theory. In my view, all characters need to make sense and have some level of believability for them to be enjoyable. I’ve read other stories that, like this one, make sense if you identify strictly with the protagonist and get off on the premise: oo, how hot would it be, if I was housesitting and the neighbor started to flash for me? When you reverse the setting and think about it from said neighbor’s point of view, well… it makes much less sense that way.

My basic requirement is that all the characters should make sense. There are often threads on Author’s Hangout from men saying that they could not possibly write from the female POV, because they couldn’t possibly identify with their motivations or thoughts. Yet they do write female characters in all their stories. My argument is that the point of view is irrelevant to characters making sense. If your character makes sense, you can write from their POV or from outside of them, just like you can write it from the first person or close third person and in any tense. If it feels like it doesn’t make sense if you think of writing from their POV, then it most likely doesn’t make sense from any other POV either.

So here’s an older woman who liked showing off in her time, and longs for the attention. She has great, albeit very porn-like, sex with her husband, but she longs for something more. Fair enough. However, progressing from that to flashing a random dude, a son of your friend’s no less, and luring them into breaking an entry and non-consensually showing off your husband’s assets as well as yours is a big step, and there was nothing here to justify it. I especially didn’t like how she supposedly did all this behind her husband’s back, and how she then misused the police officers’ time to “investigate” a crime she orchestrated and approved of. That, as a whole, makes her a bit too sociopathic to be believable. If there would’ve been some suggestion that the husband was in on it and this wasn’t the first time they did it, then maybe I could’ve suspended my disbelief this far. Now I could not, and instead it triggered a skeptical “why would she, though?” response.

 

[Omenainen]

Also, anyone wanting to delve deeper into “why would she though?” is more than welcome to take part in my annual Pink Orchid event

 

[KyleTaylee]

I'm looking for constructive feedback for my first story.

A Reluctant Teenage Sex Instructor: https://literotica.com/s/a-reluctant-sex-instructor-ch-01-02

Summary: A teenage virgin was asked to have anal sex with his crush. But first, he needs to be comfortable living with hot girls prancing around naked and learn to enjoy regular sex. With enough practice, he became good at it. Until he eventually became known as a sex instructor in campus.

I’m looking to improve my writing. So any feedbacks on how I can improve are welcome.

But in particular, here are some questions:

(0) Hook - Are the title, descriptions, and premise interesting enough to capture attention?

(1) Characters - I want to create memorable and engaging characters. Are the characters boring?

(2) Dialogue - I tend to write dialogue-heavy stories. Are the dialogues boring?

(3) Details of personal lives - I generally dislike stories that have 500 words every chapter on what the author did every day. e.g. I wake up, take a shower, eat toasts, drink coffee, go to school. Yada yada. Whenever I read stories like this, I would skim through these paragraphs that don’t reveal the character or advance the plot. So in my story, I focused mainly on interaction and only include details that (a) reveal the character or (b) advances the plot. But I’m not sure if it would be useful to include what the MCs do outside of those interactions. Would it be better to have more of such life details?

(4) Pacing - Is it draggy?

(5) Sex stuff - As a smut writer, I want to make those sex scene ‘pop’ while also advances the plot. Are the sex scenes arousing? Or are they boring? I know this is a very subjective question, but I want the reader to visualize the scene like how I visualize in my head.

(6) Plot - Personally, I think the plot is fine. I have an outline for the story and it seemed to be working, for now. But any comments on that would be helpful as well.

Regarding technical writing, I know I break away from a lot of conventional sentence and paragraphing rules. I focus on readability rather than grammar. I want to make it easy to read.

Still, I’m worried that people might find them off-putting. Let me know what you think.

P.S. I know there are some grammatical errors, especially ch1 and ch2. I’ve been made aware of those.

 

[daiblo598]

If the wife's own decision is to have an affair, is a husband misogynistic to think she's wrong for breaking their marriage vows?

I do not think that wife's are property but I have a big issue with wives that cheat. This is because my soon to be ex wife did many times and I am in the process of writing a story about how I would have loved to punish her for it but I was raised a totally different way.

 

[Omenainen]

Link
@burgwad

Okay, time for some tough love. I feel kind of bad doing this, because you have been polite and nice. My feedback engine has three settings: unbridled adoring, blunt, and rude. I am aiming to be blunt this time.

Since I started doing these reviews together with AwkwardMD, we’ve received 12 review requests. Of the 269 000 words this covers, your two stories contribute to 148 500, which is more than all the others combined. I read the first one in its entirety, because I read fast and am kind of thorough. However, now you say you’ve written something even longer than the first story, and well... There’s only one chance for a first impression. You’ve made yours, and nothing in Ingrid makes me want to read 80k+ words more. Also, AwkwardMD said the first 65 800 words was too much for her to read, so you wrote 82 700 words “to impress her”. What am I missing here? (I won’t even go into how nonsensical a goal it is to write to impress AwkwardMD. I don’t think that is what anyone should aim for–except possibly AwkwardMD.)

It is mighty assumptious to think that we would use this much time on your stories. I would always prefer to review the whole of the story, so I could comment on how the plot unfolds and how everything holds together. I would much rather work on something shorter so that I could do all of it. How could I give my impression on how your “nerdy, invisible things with structure” work if I don’t read all of it? And yet, I am not going to read this mammoth of yours.

For future reference, if you still want us to review something, I say outright that don’t bother with anything that’s over 15 000 words.

However.

Against my better judgment I did read the first six pages, which is 25% of the story. So far this reads exactly like Ingrid. The premise is exactly the same: there’s this kind of awkward guy who already lusts after his sister. The sister is already prone to guess and be flattered that her brother thinks of her in a sexual way. The very basic tension of incest, will they-won’t they, is already kind of undone before the story even begins. To say this is different from Ingrid would be to say “oh, but the last time they lived in a yellow house and now it is green!”

Six pages is over 20k words, and nothing happened in those six pages. The siblings get in the car, drive around, camp, visit a shaman which for now seems to lead absolutely nowhere, drive around, camp, drive around. All of this could have been covered in one, maximum two pages. Your prose flows effortlessly, but it is also quite empty of any purpose. It took you over twenty thousand words to say “my little brother is dead and my big sis has sexy bits.” Some readers like descriptive and meandering writing, but even then it is not a virtue to know how to stretch maybe 20k words worth of story into 80k+ words. This is not a novel. This is an extremely drawn out short story.

To become a better writer you need to learn to edit yourself with a heavy hand. Readers won’t make it to your “nerdy and invisible things with structure” or your “attempts at a feminism” if you’ve rambled them to death by boredom long before that. I didn’t even make it to where there would be two female characters in the story so that I could see what they talked about. If you compressed your stories to include only what’s essential, maybe they would be short enough to read, and maybe they would be short enough for you to proofread and edit before publishing. I would recommend you focus on that in your future endeavors.

 

[burgwad]

It stings, but it does what it's supposed to. I'll try to write something a little more fun. Thank you for the response.

I'm a little flattered by the extensive beatdown. I sort of wish you'd followed "your better judgment." But it sounds like you do too. On the bright side, I've made a terrible first, and now second, impression, and so can only possibly do better from here!

I hope curious readers here aren't dissuaded from checking out Nazanin themselves and getting back to me about what they like/dislike. The prose does slap. And not all will mind the slow burn, or the simulated road trip, or being asked to endure so much teasing and build-up. Give my stuff a try. The ones who like my style seem to really love it.

 

[AwkwardMD]

@Ratios
Link

Cleverly written story. I spotted no editing or grammatical issues that would’ve hindered reading. Flow was for the most part good enough. Some parts were a little repetitive, but I think that has to do with the kink so probably that is justified (like dressing her over and over in different outfits that are described in detail and taking yet more pictures).

On your review request you said that this was your “first actual attempt telling a story rather than just putting out word porn”. I am a little confused as to what story you were trying to tell. The first half of the story feels like you’re trying to ride two horses at the same time: she’s either embarrassed and devastated by having to be naked in front of these rude strangers, or she’s exhibitionistically aroused by it. You can’t have both; these are mutually exclusive states of being. You went from one to the other depending on the situation, so that the MC was whoever the story needed her to be, and as a result neither kink felt believable. Additionally, your character didn’t feel believable either.

She wasn’t consistent in her actions. Was she supposed to be aroused by the humiliation or the exhibitionism? Based on the category choice (non-con) I’d guess humiliation, but then the male gaze-y scenes where she looks at herself in the mirror and goes “wow, I do look hot in this” make even less sense. Yes, people are sometimes inconsistent, but when that inconsistency tracks perfectly alongside the shifting needs of a story you designed, it’s transparently not good.

The back half of the story has a few issues that stir the angry feminist within me. The first is that this is pure #metoo material, and to present that as fap material is… a choice. Having the perpetrator in a sexually abusive, power imbalanced relationship be a woman doesn’t really change that. Clara is a fairly obvious gender swap without a lot of thought being put into what gender swapping this character, and this role, would mean. Clara could have been inflicting on others what had been done to her, as bitter and resentful about her own treatment as she was eager to return the favor to the next girl down the line, but instead what we got was generic torture porn. Call me Mistress. Kiss my toes. No depth.

Secondly, this could have been an empowering story about how this small town wannabe actress girl finds her inner sex goddess and breaks away from other people’s expectations and limitations, but the way you handled this made this come across as some kind of moralistic argument on how some women are only good for fucking and deserve to fail in life. Now, if that was the point you were making, then fair enough, but... eww.

That the main character needs a drug addiction to deal with her job is telling about your opinion of porn stars, and sex workers in general. I have news for you: you are a sex worker. Unpaid, perhaps, but true nonetheless. We’re all sex workers. Most of your readers think about you, as a person, with about the same amount of respect that they give an adult actress who specializes in the same genre: disposable. I would encourage you to sit with that, because a story that further degrades the already-bad, generally-held opinion of sex workers isn’t doing you, a writer trying to hone their craft, any favors.

 

[AwkwardMD]

@Ratios

1) I did not feel like Leah was a badly written woman, or FMC. I felt like the kink wasn’t ironed out, and her motivation wasn’t consistent, but I understood that she was kind of vain and self-centered. It’s one thing to look in the mirror and think “I look hot” and another thing entirely to look in the mirror and think “My 36DD tits look really fuckable”. I wouldn’t call her likeable, but she doesn’t need to be likeable.

Put differently, you did not set off my “Man Writing Woman” alarm.
2) 100% agreed.
3) It’s always risky for me to guess, but I would have guessed that in your head the first scene was shorter, and then Clara showed up and escalated things, and then the epilogue comes and escalates even further. In the course of writing that first photo shoot, it got longer and longer as you had ideas and ran with them, and that changed the scope of the scene. It changed the pacing, and it got away from you.

There are good lessons here about scope, and figuring out what purpose a scene is going to serve.
4) Sex work is not a tragedy, or hollow. It’s hard work, and it deserves respect. Some women do find themselves in the profession out of necessity rather than desire, and that can be tragic, but there are important distinctions there that you would have needed to explore to make it clear what your point was.
5) Have a look at this.



There is an upcoming event on Lit organized by my partner, Omen, that is all about female characters that make sense. Characters with agency and consistency and motivation. She has offered to beta read for anyone participating in the event. The Pink Orchid event is still months away, yet, so there’s plenty of time. She could help you smooth out the edges on a story while it's still in the developing stages, rather than after you submit it.

Neither Omen nor I are doing beta reading right now except for this one event, so it could be an opportunity.

 

[Omenainen]

Link
@KyleTaylee

First of all, welcome to Lit! Welcome to the wonderful world of smut! This is a great way to spend time, and I hope this will serve you well for many years to come. I think you're off to a great start. I really appreciated the story's enthusiasm and the sincere touch you have. I hope you will continue to write, refine your style and go on to do great things. I think you have the makings for it. That being said, it's clear that this is an early story. I hope you won't be discouraged by the points I will raise when answering the questions you had. The key to getting better is writing more, and I hope some of this will help you going forward.

(0) Hook - Are the title, descriptions, and premise interesting enough to capture attention?

Title: A Reluctant Sex Instructor Ch.01-02
Blurb: A teenage virgin’s journey to becoming a sex instructor.

A bit pornoish, but okay. Why “chapters one and two?” Why not chapter one? It’s fair to give readers a heads up that this is a series, but why not package it for publication one chapter at a time?
Premise is a bit too much “a teenage guy’s fantasy” to be very interesting to me, but I suppose plenty of teenage guys would disagree.
Also, I notice now that you have the same blurb for each installment. It would be better to be more descriptive of what happens in each individual part.

(1) Characters - I want to create memorable and engaging characters. Are the characters boring?

The main character is endearing. Everybody else is a porn cardboard cutout.

(2) Dialogue - I tend to write dialogue-heavy stories. Are the dialogues boring?

You could certainly trim down the “Oh, eh,” comments. And prune down the dialogue in general. Edit your first draft with a sharp eye: look at what you have written and what you’re trying to convey. I wouldn’t say boring, but I do say that the interactions could be compressed a fair bit without losing any story. Ken's conversations seem to go round and round before going anywhere, and it gets tedious to read.

(3) Details of personal lives - I generally dislike stories that have 500 words every chapter on what the author did every day. e.g. I wake up, take a shower, eat toasts, drink coffee, go to school. Yada yada. Whenever I read stories like this, I would skim through these paragraphs that don’t reveal the character or advance the plot. So in my story, I focused mainly on interaction and only include details that (a) reveal the character or (b) advances the plot. But I’m not sure if it would be useful to include what the MCs do outside of those interactions. Would it be better to have more of such life details?

Well, you shouldn’t include anything that doesn’t either build the character(s) or advance the plot. Then again, you could do that through showing us something other than “Oh, eh” dialogue.

(4) Pacing - Is it draggy?

Some, but not too much. I have more issues with structure than pacing.

(5) Sex stuff - As a smut writer, I want to make those sex scene ‘pop’ while also advances the plot. Are the sex scenes arousing? Or are they boring? I know this is a very subjective question, but I want the reader to visualize the scene like how I visualize in my head.

Sex lacked some focus. Basic principle is that you should write what you want and not care about category expectations or sticking to a single category. That being said, it doesn’t hurt to think about your audience. This was posted in First Time. First time readers generally want (I think) slow-ish, probably romantic buildups to a main scene of someone losing their virginity. This story opened with anal sex. Then again the scene where he did lose his virginity was both heavily leaning towards non con and not climatic in nature (she pressures him to say yes and put it in, and then they just lie there and it’s not very sex-ish). So I don’t think this delivers for First Time readers, and I'm not sure what would be an appropriate category for this story. This lacked focus on why this should be hot and to whom, when the main character didn’t seem all too thrilled about the sex at any time. You’re writing from the first person, and so we as readers want to identify with your main character. However, he seems mostly anxious and not aroused, so how are we supposed to get off on this?

I have an impression that despite writing about reluctant character who is drugged and raped you are not aiming for non con, which is a bit puzzling. Maybe it comes from your characters: your main character is so shy and awkward that you need to have everyone else be overtly sexual which makes them seem like porn cutouts instead of real people, and when you still couldn't figure out how you would get him to cross that line you got him drunk and drugged and had the girl rape him. Which is... I'm sure you could do better. Think how this would read if the genders were reversed. It's not any less coercion when it's the guy that's being forced. Non con is a kink of its own, but having it where it's not expected can be off-putting for readers.

(6) Plot - Personally, I think the plot is fine. I have an outline for the story and it seemed to be working, for now. But any comments on that would be helpful as well.

Plot in itself is not too out there, even if it is very thin and a bit too much of a simple fantasy to be truly captivating. What I had trouble with was the structure: flashbacks of flashbacks that don’t go anywhere and don’t tie back to the point where they started. Every time you leap from one place in time to another in this manner, the reader has to keep a mental note of where they've come. I lost track at some point of "uh, eh" discussions with Lisa where it had started and where it was going, and it made it feel confusing instead of interesting. I suppose that in some later installments you will circle back to the opening scene, but it would be worth to think more carefully about the internal structure of each installment.

Regarding technical writing, I know I break away from a lot of conventional sentence and paragraphing rules. I focus on readability rather than grammar. I want to make it easy to read.

Readability and grammar are definitely not mutually exclusive. I am not a native English speaker, and so writing things “wrong” probably bothers me a lot more than some other readers. For instance, every time you have the wrong tense of a verb, I have to stop and frown and go through how it should be instead, to make sure I haven't misunderstood but that it really is used wrong. To think that you could write “better and more readable” than is commonly agreed how it is supposed to be done is arrogant at best. That being said, I don’t know what exactly you mean by this, so maybe it wasn’t too off-putting.

What you should do, and judging by the author's note on this first installment you are already doing it, is getting a beta reader or two and editing a bit more thoroughly. You don't need an editor to wait a few days between reads so that you can catch errors like "held me closed" and "teardrop-sized boobs". More substantial editing might benefit from outside help, but this kind of stuff you can do yourself, if you only discipline yourself to wait and read one more time before hitting publish.

My main advice for you is to keep writing. I see you have two more installments published since the time of this request, and I'm sure that some of the issues I had here are already better at the later ones. Keep writing, learn to edit yourself, and think about your focus and structure.

 

[KyleTaylee]

@Omenainen

Thanks for taking the time to read and give detailed comments! I appreciate your encouragement and constructive criticism. The "Oh, eh" comments, in particular, are things that I do need to work on. I'll be mindful of your feedback as I continue to write.

Thanks again!

 

[yibala]

Hello, Awkward MD and Omenainen! Hoping you will take a look at my latest - https://literotica.com/s/whispered-words-2

In addition to your normal critique, I am curious about your thoughts on the story's accessibility. I am aware that I write in a niche-within-a-niche on Literotica. My stories involve heavy world-building, with names and cultural references that won't be immediately familiar to the typical Lit reader. This story is intended as a standalone even though it references past events covered in other stories. I eventually intend to build it into a novel, but also want it to be satisfying as-is, to someone who hasn't read any of my other stuff. So I'd like your opinion on whether it works in these respects.

Thanks!
Yib
My Stories

 

[AwkwardMD]

@yibala
Link

Complaints and suggestions for improvement are few. This was really good. Really interesting. Really drew me in.

I think the first suggestion would be that I thought that it jumped to sex a little too soon not because jumping to sex made sense but because you felt pressured to get there. Lit’s readership can be fickle sometimes. I’ve certainly been guilty of pushing a story, and a character, to get down with someone else when they were otherwise in a different headspace, or a different emotional space, because I wasn’t sure how else to get there. In my case (and I’m not saying this was necessarily what you did), I was pushing the sex because I knew the story was half baked. It didn’t have enough, so I let a shortcut get me to the end rather than let the whole thing play out more organically. I’m a little bit less proud of the stories where I know I fudged it to get to the good stuff.

Whisper moving around the rooftops was cool, and interesting, and I felt like I was learning something, and then there was blowjob. It was, maybe, a little faster than ideal. Not a big problem, in the grand scheme of things. There were no big problems here, but if I was digging for things to talk about, that’s on the list.

Second would be that I’m not sure I understand where the plot was going. Like, it certainly culminated in the reveal of a character’s name, but people being cousins is kind of a mundane detail. It feels like Whisper could have learned this through less extreme means. This would be like having Whisper breaking into a corporate skyscraper only to vandalize the candy machine on the twenty third floor, and the guards are chasing Whisper saying “SHE TOOK ALL THE PEANUT M&M’S!” There’s a disconnect between the action and the reaction.

Even if that name ends up being important, it doesn’t feel like the reveal should have carried weight at this moment. You could have had it where someone in the royal court, an advisor, died recently, and these people have connections that helped the assassin escape the country. It still culminates in a name, but the why is a bit more impactful.

Third, and this is less of a criticism and more of just a general piece of info, the Sci-Fi category is not well read. There are not many readers going there, as the category doesn’t usually indicate much about the kind of sex that may happen. On the other hand, readers in other categories can handle some fantasy. We think you could have put this in Group Sex, and gotten it in front of wider audiences as a little teaser for the bigger story you plan to tell later. Again, not a critique, just some hard-earned info about how literotica.com functions.

I loved the world building. I loved the location. I loved the names, and the shape things were taking. I loved the sex. The sex was hot as hell. I loved the way things progressed. I loved the sensations. I loved the way you framed it, and wrote it. Really, really hot.

I loved the sex. Once I just disconnected and said “Okay, this is happening”, the sex was fucking great.

Whispered Words worked as-is. It stood alone. Well done.

 

[yibala]

@yibala
Link

Complaints and suggestions for improvement are few. This was really good. Really interesting. Really drew me in.

Thank you! I'm glad it made sense and was engaging, and that you liked the setting. Really glad that you felt the sex was hot! Most of my sex scenes have been between people who trust and care for each other. This was a different dynamic for me, a contest, so it's good to hear that it worked.

Sometimes I hear a point of critique and feel that subconsciously I knew it all along, but didn't think about it until someone else mentioned it. I agree, the blowjob is too quick. Whisper is insatiable, to be sure, but she's also smart. Immediately going down on a suspicious stranger probably isn't the smartest way to allay his suspicions.

I have to give some thought to the name and how to show why it is worth what's at stake. Whisper plays the long game with her secrets. She plans on venturing into Chide - a hostile kingdom - and using the couple's names and what she knows of them to trick/blackmail the cousin in order to protect herself. But I didn't want to go into that because I wanted this story to be self-contained. So I tried to give as little of the background and future planning as possible. Clearly, the information is valuable to Megai, but if the reader doesn't know why, that's a problem. Maybe the issue is that trying to make the opening of a novel into a short story is putting a square peg in a round hole. Certainly something to consider for the future.

I'll also have to think about categories more. I would have thought that readers in a non-SFF category would be put off by the fantasy setting, but I respect your experience and opinion on this. I post stories on Literotica for exposure and feedback (even if a lot of that feedback is passive). If for every comment telling me "Your story belongs in Sci-Fi & Fantasy" there are 25-50 readers who liked the story and wouldn't have seen it otherwise, that's a plus.

Thanks again for the feedback!

-Yib

 

[Omenainen]

I'll also have to think about categories more. I would have thought that readers in a non-SFF category would be put off by the fantasy setting, but I respect your experience and opinion on this. I post stories on Literotica for exposure and feedback (even if a lot of that feedback is passive). If for every comment telling me "Your story belongs in Sci-Fi & Fantasy" there are 25-50 readers who liked the story and wouldn't have seen it otherwise, that's a plus.

I think it boils down to what is the erotic focus of the story, and what readers in different categories are expecting, and how to make these two meet.

If you have a multi chapter story with extensive world building and different erotic themes, then putting it in S&F or whatever most fits the content is a good choice. Also it makes sense to put the whole series in the same category and not expect the readers to follow across.

But for standalone stories like this you could choose more freely, with the purpose of exposing more readers to your stories. Some of them just might wander over to S&F once they see what you’re offering. I don’t think anyone would say “this belongs to S&F” if the sex clearly fits the category and the world building around it isn’t very excessive. Having erotic themes that don’t meet the readers’ expectations might yield those types of comments but I don’t think the setting would. There’s been good guides on how to choose a category, so I won’t go into that in more detail.

Good luck!

 

[Rob_Royale]

Hello. I'm fairly new here but have posted three stories. All are pretty well received. All three are 18k-20k words. I'd love a review or critique of any of them. I'm always looking to improve my work. I do not write for a living, but I enjoy it quite a bit. The link is in my sig line. I have had a review of the Hedonism House recently and some great stuff was pointed out, that will make my next story better.

 

[ofbuttons]

Hello, I've started writing in Literotica in the past few months, and having scanned this thread, I feel like some thoughtful feedback from prolific Litreaders/Litwriters would be really helpful if either of you have the time to spare.

I would love if you would care to read my current series, Into the Dog House: https://www.literotica.com/series/se/489041981

There are three shortish chapters at the time of writing, and receiving your thoughts about its pacing, build, dynamics, and so on, would be very helpful. If more go up between now and when you get to it, sticking to the first three is just fine. I'd consider any feedback very useful to the series as I write it, as well as any future series, as I am trying to develop my skills in slightly longer, slightly more complex stories.

Thanks!

 

[Omenainen]

@robroy1968
The Hedonism House

First of all, I have to say I’m not a fan of “just read any of mine” -requests. It would be better to pick out a story, and think about what you want to get out of the review, maybe leading to specific questions. In this case, I picked out The Hedonism House, because I was going to read it for Pink Orchid anyway and wasn’t going to risk having to read two of yours in case they would suck

It didn’t suck! I liked Hedonism House a lot. It was imaginative and had a good structure and flow, an actual plot, and a message I happen to agree with. Well done! There were a few minor technical issues with tense inconsistencies, head hopping and a peculiar way to use a comma. You could prune these with making yet another editing pass, or asking for someone to beta read for you. Most likely you will fix these types of things naturally if you keep writing, and I hope you do, because the world needs more sex positive, literary smut like yours!

It’s always more difficult to give a review on something that is good, so keep in mind that the points I’m about to make are not critical issues. The story is good as is, but maybe these will give you something to think about going forward.

The scope. This story had a good, strong arc from beginning to end, and a good structure, but in the middle it felt like you kind of got carried away writing more and more sex just for the sake of sex. Compressing the events at the mansion would have made this a tighter, more contained story. I predict that this, too, is something that will fix itself when you keep writing. Having half a mind on the next story at all times lessens the urge to write All The Sex once you get to the sex.

The sex. This is difficult to pin down, maybe because it is more of a missed opportunity than an actual mistake. I think that the sex, aside from there being too much of it, was porno-ish in quality. It wasn’t advancing the story. I think the sex at the mansion could have served as an opportunity to give Jessica a chance to grow, for example to overcome some boundary she hadn’t before or reflect on the nature of exhibitionistic sex or something. There’s something clearly going on with her and her boyfriend in the beginning, but it goes nowhere. Even that first sex scene could have helped her learn something, even if the something was “I should leave him.”

Now, this review thread isn’t about Pink Orchid, but I will say something from that point of view as some kind of complimentary extra, since you posted this story in the event. This was a sex positive story, and Jessica was a fully fleshed out character in the center of the story. She made a lot of sense in her choices and had agency. So that’s all good, all that I asked for, and very well done.

However, I have this instinctive flinch from stories that go too far idealizing (nearly to the point of fetishizing beauty) all of the women. The narration, and the other characters spent a lot of time talking about Jessica’s looks. Her beauty is the most important thing that anyone else seems interested in. She has a job in the dream, but it's literally and metaphorically pushed aside to make room for the sex. She's just sort of... along for the ride, and the story is framed in a way that (and this is a loaded word but I don't have a better one) exploits her escapades. It makes a show of it in a way that doesn't really tell us anything about Jessica. This is (almost) always a problem in porn, and Hedonism House doesn't really do better. Maybe this is me being greedy, because so many authors on this site have trouble even making the bar, but when someone does exceed the bare minimum I’d want them to really go over and beyond. I feel like this story had the makings to really rise above, but once the sex started it lost that momentum.

To wrap it up, a wonderful story and welcome to Lit! Hope you’ll have a long and successful smutty road ahead of you!

 

[AwkwardMD]

@ofbuttons
link

We both read the first three chapters. Well done. Really good. Excellent scope. Really strong dialog. Identifiable, unique characters. Effortless, natural setup and pacing. Really well written story.

I have one complaint.

A lot has been said and written, here on these forums and elsewhere on this site, about mixing kinks as it pertains to categorization. Where your story shows up on the site. A story where character A has anal sex with characters B, C, and D could go in Anal, or Interracial because B is black, or Transgender/Crossdressing because C is a transgirl, or Gay because D is a guy. Maybe Group Sex to cover the whole thing? Personally, I use my own compass, but that’s neither here nor there because that isn’t the problem. All of these kinks can stand side by side, within a story, and be their own thing. A reader can just enjoy the part that’s for them, get off, and enjoy the rest of the story from a bit of a distance.

Humiliation doesn’t work that way. Humiliation is its own thing that subverts and subsumes everything else.

Into the Dog House (it should really be compounded into Doghouse) is, ostensibly, a pet play story. Pet play is a fairly common (by BDSM standards) subtype. If you asked 10 people on the street what pet play is, you might only get one that knows, but that one person would take you to a BDSM club where you could find 10 people who know what pet play is. If you asked those 10 people to read Into the Dog House, they would likely struggle to get into it unless humiliation is also something they’re into.

There is an episode of Bob’s Burgers where Linda wants to do dinner theater in the restaurant. She tells the audience “There’s a murderer here, but it’s not me.” During the course of the play, almost everyone is murdered, and then at the end of it Linda reveals that she was the murderer. The audience is mad at her. Linda claims that it was a twist, and an audience member responds “That’s not a twist, it’s a lie. A lie is not a twist.”

There’s a question in there about who this twist is for. Linda feels clever, but the audience feels cheated.

This is not a pet play story. Not really. Pet play is easily thought of as having the same dynamics as BDSM. You’ve got Dom(me)s and subs, but Dom(me)s and subs get off on control, or relinquishing it. It’s that willingness to work with each other. This is not that.

This is also not a non-con story. Not really. There isn’t consent, but it’s more inconvenient than it is actually dangerous. There’s no risk. Nothing is really being taken, and that risk is what sets non-con apart. I feel fairly confident in saying that most able-bodied adults, in this situation, could use some tools or other things generally found around the house to get themselves free from light bondage gear like what you described.

It’s a humiliation story. It’s not second or third on the list of descriptors, it’s first. I think that this didn’t impact your score very much specifically because there are enough subs and Dom(me)s out there with a humiliation kink to keep you afloat, but that has more to do with luck than with a story that’s well thought out and well executed.

Now we come back around to Bob’s Burgers. Linda lies to the audience, and only one person walks away from that feeling like it went well. Who is this story for? Is it for you, or for an audience?

Rachel, who is ostensibly our domme, doesn’t agree to any of this beforehand, is cruel to her pet, and ignores their pleas for the session to end. Some Dom(me)s have a sadistic streak, but you’re not really appealing to Dom(me)s anymore, you’re appealing to sadists. The same goes for Gregory in reverse. At this point, the kink is just being cruel to others with a dress code. You’ve written a love note to sartorially-specific bullies.

Now, I want to make sure that I’m pretty clear here. I’ve written worse. Much worse. I have a story called Dark Horse that takes a lot of the same themes you’re talking about here and amps up the non-con to 11. I’m proud of Dark Horse, but it has always struggled to connect with an audience. The scores routinely dip below 4.5, and that bothers me. Together with a co-author, I threw together a story that works on a lot of levels but is actively alienating the reader. At the time, I was smug about it, but now I look back and see a wasted opportunity.

As I’ve become more purposeful in my writing, I’ve spent more time thinking about what I want my stories to say, and what I’m trying to do with them. I still write lots of stories that cross Lit categories, but I’ve tried to find kinks that have more overlap, and which go together, rather than trying to throw the kitchen sink at the first two characters I can get in a room together. Can I write a story about two best friends, dumped on prom night, finding their way to each other and discovering true love? Yes. Could I also make it a scat story? Maybe, but at that point it’s really just a scat story with too much preamble.

I think there was a way to do a humiliation story, using some, most, or all of the same story elements, but in a way that more effectively used the most powerful ingredient.

 

[b7ffh1]

Hello, Awkward MD and Omenainen! Would love if you would take a look at my latest: https://www.literotica.com/s/cinderella-and-the-ancient-law

AwkwardMD, I know you have reviewed my stories in the past, and I thank you for your feedback.
(And do you still describe yourself as the writer of "the Abu Ghraib of erotica"?)

I was interested in your feedback as I tried a few things that I have not done previously:

1. Use mostly 3rd person narrator instead of first person like I did the other stories
2. Use an already known character - in this case Cinderella.

Thanks again for all your help and advice.

 

[Djmac1031]

Okay, why not? What's life without a few risks lol.

I originally wrote The White Room roughly a year and a half ago.

I recently resubmitted an updated edit to correct a lot of rookie mistakes and have it better match the sequel I'd finally written.

It's been one of my best received stories. Although I myself know it's not "perfect."

Anyway, link below. It's only four pages, so shouldn't take forever lol.

I look forward to an honest critique.

https://literotica.com/s/the-white-room-4

 

[Rob_Royale]

@robroy1968
The Hedonism House

First of all, I have to say I’m not a fan of “just read any of mine” -requests. It would be better to pick out a story, and think about what you want to get out of the review, maybe leading to specific questions. In this case, I picked out The Hedonism House, because I was going to read it for Pink Orchid anyway and wasn’t going to risk having to read two of yours in case they would suck

It didn’t suck! I liked Hedonism House a lot. It was imaginative and had a good structure and flow, an actual plot, and a message I happen to agree with. Well done! There were a few minor technical issues with tense inconsistencies, head hopping and a peculiar way to use a comma. You could prune these with making yet another editing pass, or asking for someone to beta read for you. Most likely you will fix these types of things naturally if you keep writing, and I hope you do, because the world needs more sex positive, literary smut like yours!

It’s always more difficult to give a review on something that is good, so keep in mind that the points I’m about to make are not critical issues. The story is good as is, but maybe these will give you something to think about going forward.

The scope. This story had a good, strong arc from beginning to end, and a good structure, but in the middle it felt like you kind of got carried away writing more and more sex just for the sake of sex. Compressing the events at the mansion would have made this a tighter, more contained story. I predict that this, too, is something that will fix itself when you keep writing. Having half a mind on the next story at all times lessens the urge to write All The Sex once you get to the sex.

The sex. This is difficult to pin down, maybe because it is more of a missed opportunity than an actual mistake. I think that the sex, aside from there being too much of it, was porno-ish in quality. It wasn’t advancing the story. I think the sex at the mansion could have served as an opportunity to give Jessica a chance to grow, for example to overcome some boundary she hadn’t before or reflect on the nature of exhibitionistic sex or something. There’s something clearly going on with her and her boyfriend in the beginning, but it goes nowhere. Even that first sex scene could have helped her learn something, even if the something was “I should leave him.”

Now, this review thread isn’t about Pink Orchid, but I will say something from that point of view as some kind of complimentary extra, since you posted this story in the event. This was a sex positive story, and Jessica was a fully fleshed out character in the center of the story. She made a lot of sense in her choices and had agency. So that’s all good, all that I asked for, and very well done.

However, I have this instinctive flinch from stories that go too far idealizing (nearly to the point of fetishizing beauty) all of the women. The narration, and the other characters spent a lot of time talking about Jessica’s looks. Her beauty is the most important thing that anyone else seems interested in. She has a job in the dream, but it's literally and metaphorically pushed aside to make room for the sex. She's just sort of... along for the ride, and the story is framed in a way that (and this is a loaded word but I don't have a better one) exploits her escapades. It makes a show of it in a way that doesn't really tell us anything about Jessica. This is (almost) always a problem in porn, and Hedonism House doesn't really do better. Maybe this is me being greedy, because so many authors on this site have trouble even making the bar, but when someone does exceed the bare minimum I’d want them to really go over and beyond. I feel like this story had the makings to really rise above, but once the sex started it lost that momentum.

To wrap it up, a wonderful story and welcome to Lit! Hope you’ll have a long and successful smutty road ahead of you!

Oh my. I'm so sorry. I'd forgotten I'd asked for a critique and just now saw your reply. Thanks very much. Too much sex. I quite agree. At that point I was quite concerned with putting out a piece of a decent length and decided that I needed to fill three days with of escapades. I've since moved on from that mind set. As for fetishizing beauty, that was the whole idea of the Hudson House. Thank you for an excellent review. I appreciate it and again sorry it took so long to respond. Be well.

 

[Omenainen]

@b7ffh1
Cinderella and the Ancient Law

Contains spoilers.

Fairytales, as a story format, are near and dear to my heart. I really enjoyed the phrasing and the style of prose in the beginning of the story. A certain kind of pompousness and repetitiveness can be used as a stylistic effect especially in fairytales, and to an extent it worked well. However, you took it to such an extreme that it lost its effect and turned against you.

This sentiment:

However, the sisters had underestimated the depth of Cinderella’s love and the strength of her spirit. They could not foresee the courage and determination that would guide her through this daunting challenge, as she fought to protect her love and her future with the Prince. For in the face of adversity, our heroine would prove that love can triumph even over the darkest schemes and seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

was repeated so many times that my eyes glazed over and I had to do my utmost to not skim ahead.

In the review for your previous story, Daniella and the Lions, AwkwardMD mentioned that the narrator was such a non-entity that it might just as well have been narrated from the third person. This story has the same problem, or should I say phenomenon. You’ve narrated this from the perspective of the Fairy Godmother, but besides introducing themselves in the beginning, they do nothing. They don’t have a presence in the story and don’t comment on the proceedings in any way. It’s not overly problematic, but it also adds nothing. If you aren’t using the narrative voice for anything, you could just as well write it in the form of “once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a princess…” and not bother making up a character for the voice.

Now, for the story itself. Using existing and well-known characters and setting has its perks in that you can build upon something previously established, but it also imposes some restrictions. Fairytales are unreal and ridiculous by default, but they’re ridiculous in a very sensible and consistent way. I found myself questioning the non-justified assumption that getting examined by the royal doctor, even in the presence of witnesses, is somehow self-evidently “vile and degrading”. Why would that be? I get that it is the kink, but for those of us who don’t share the kink, especially for those of us who culturally don’t consider nudity to be embarrassing or unordinary, it makes very little sense. Here it is such an indisputable assumption that when finding the law the evil women immediately know they’ve found a weapon against Cinderella. Why? It would’ve been slightly more sensical to me, if they had assumed there would be something to make Cinderella not pass the examination, but even then only slightly so. Then again, I tried to think how I would’ve expected it to be justified if you had written a story about futanari Cinderella, or Cinderella who enjoys watersports, and I can’t really pin down how it should be done. Maybe it can’t be done and using an existing fairytale setting for more niche kinks will be jarring no matter what.

So, okay, let us assume that getting naked and being examined is awful and degrading and all women of virtue should die from shame if it would be inflicted upon them. The examination itself is an excess of consent, with Cinderella firmly taking control of the situation and painstakingly commanding every aspect of it. This is all fine, but as with the repetition earlier, I think you went overboard with it.

And then, after all this consent, and all this admiring Cinderella’s determination and courage, you do an unexpected full turn and delve into degrading, public, non consensual torture and anal rape on the last scene. It is tonally incompatible with the rest of the story, and it also makes very little sense to me. So you’re punishing the evil sisters - and by the way, when the Cinderella story already has two evil sisters, why did you throw them out and invent another pair of evil sisters? - for what, for having evil intentions? The underlying assumption of the story is that even getting nude in front of spectators is unspeakably awful, and now you’re throwing two law-abiding, noble citizens into that peril for what reason exactly? (And not only that, but torturing and raping them for good measure. Why do you even need to torture and rape them, if others seeing their bodies is already so degrading?) In fairytales, the usual ending is that the goodies win and the baddies get their comeuppance, but this punishment felt very exaggerated considering that all these women did was to point out a law which, although old, was still in effect. It makes the reign of the purportedly good king seem sadistic and arbitrary and kind of paints the whole story in a very different tone.

I want to sandwich all of this, though, by returning to the original point. This is the 4th or 5th story you’ve asked for a review of. The first few were carbon copies of each other, and Daniella and the Lions was only a minor departure in tone. This Cinderella story is a vast departure in creativity and tone even if you went toward the same kink in the end. Lots of fresh ideas went into this, and that is extremely admirable. I don’t know how many places you could take this theme, but I love the will to try.

 

[b7ffh1]

Omenainen,

Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate your feedback and the encouragement to try new things.

With regard to the Fairy godmother narrator, I was hoping to follow the arc of the Cinderella 2015 Disney movie where the narrator is the Fairy Godmother who basically does the same almost 3rd person narration throughout, and makes a brief appearance at the end with magic. I was hoping to avoid the magic, but keep the narrator and assume everyone was familiar with both the pre-story and Fairy godmother so no introductions were needed.

The repetitions also came from aiming for her voice as I imagined she would be reassuring the readers constantly of Cinderella's goodness and fortitude. Looking back again, I do see that I overdid those repetitions.

Also, with regard to the ending, I was debating it a lot. What kind of swayed me was the many fairy tales have over the punishment for the villains at the end. For example, the ending from Grimm's version of Cinderella:

And when her wedding with the prince was appointed to be held the false sisters came, hoping to curry favour, and to take part in the festivities. So as the bridal procession went to the church, the eldest walked on the right side and the younger on the left, and the pigeons picked out an eye of each of them. And as they returned the elder was on the left side and the younger on the right, and the pigeons picked out the other eye of each of them. And so they were condemned to go blind for the rest of their days because of their wickedness and falsehood.

I kind of wanted an over the top punishment that would end up with the sisters getting the opposite of Cinderella. Whereas, Cinderella emerges more powerful and more respected, they end up humiliated and degraded. In addition, figging and caning would have been a not uncommon punishment for people low on the social ladder (such as servants) at the time.

I do agree, it does feel jarring closing out the story, and as mentioned, I was very on the fence about it.

With regard to why this examination would be considered humiliating and degrading, the setting is in 17-18th century Western (Catholic) Europe. The church and society would have emphasized and tried to drill into women from an early age that they should keep their body covered. Though this story is set a later in time, this is the same society that gave us the story of Godiva, where it is assumed that riding naked through town was enough of a humiliation that it would keep Godiva from pursuing her goal of helping the town's people by reducing their exorbitant taxes. Today, it would seem like a no-brainer - ride through town naked, on horseback, no cameras, no touching, only visible to each person for maybe a few seconds, etc and achieve a huge improvement in social justice. However, back then, it seemed like something that was a big enough that it was thought that Godiva would just forget about her quest for justice to avoid doing that.

So with that mentality, I wanted something that would have shocked the observer of the time. A woman who turns what everyone imagined as a humiliating and diminishing experience into something that while embarrassing for her and out of her comfort zone, reveals her iron will. Where everyone expects her to be passive and grudgingly obedient, she is active and commanding.

You make a good point about reusing the original step-sisters instead of inventing a new pair of sisters.

I do want to share with you one (I am sure of many) of my weaknesses as an author and ask for any advice.

You have noticed that all my stories have a narrator and are not in the third person. For me, I struggle with a third person narrator, likely because of the paradox of choice. When I pick a narrator, I constrain myself to what they see, feel, hear, or know. The Fairy Godmother is the closest I have come to an all-knowing narrator as presumably she can observe unseen anywhere she wants. With third person narration, I have to decide what I know and what I reveal when to the reader, and it feels weird to me.

Once again I want to thank you and AwkwardMD for your reviews and dialogue with me. I believe it has been helpful in my development, and I want to thank you again for taking the time.

@b7ffh1
Cinderella and the Ancient Law

Contains spoilers.

Fairytales, as a story format, are near and dear to my heart. I really enjoyed the phrasing and the style of prose in the beginning of the story. A certain kind of pompousness and repetitiveness can be used as a stylistic effect especially in fairytales, and to an extent it worked well. However, you took it to such an extreme that it lost its effect and turned against you.

This sentiment:



was repeated so many times that my eyes glazed over and I had to do my utmost to not skim ahead.

In the review for your previous story, Daniella and the Lions, AwkwardMD mentioned that the narrator was such a non-entity that it might just as well have been narrated from the third person. This story has the same problem, or should I say phenomenon. You’ve narrated this from the perspective of the Fairy Godmother, but besides introducing themselves in the beginning, they do nothing. They don’t have a presence in the story and don’t comment on the proceedings in any way. It’s not overly problematic, but it also adds nothing. If you aren’t using the narrative voice for anything, you could just as well write it in the form of “once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a princess…” and not bother making up a character for the voice.

Now, for the story itself. Using existing and well-known characters and setting has its perks in that you can build upon something previously established, but it also imposes some restrictions. Fairytales are unreal and ridiculous by default, but they’re ridiculous in a very sensible and consistent way. I found myself questioning the non-justified assumption that getting examined by the royal doctor, even in the presence of witnesses, is somehow self-evidently “vile and degrading”. Why would that be? I get that it is the kink, but for those of us who don’t share the kink, especially for those of us who culturally don’t consider nudity to be embarrassing or unordinary, it makes very little sense. Here it is such an indisputable assumption that when finding the law the evil women immediately know they’ve found a weapon against Cinderella. Why? It would’ve been slightly more sensical to me, if they had assumed there would be something to make Cinderella not pass the examination, but even then only slightly so. Then again, I tried to think how I would’ve expected it to be justified if you had written a story about futanari Cinderella, or Cinderella who enjoys watersports, and I can’t really pin down how it should be done. Maybe it can’t be done and using an existing fairytale setting for more niche kinks will be jarring no matter what.

So, okay, let us assume that getting naked and being examined is awful and degrading and all women of virtue should die from shame if it would be inflicted upon them. The examination itself is an excess of consent, with Cinderella firmly taking control of the situation and painstakingly commanding every aspect of it. This is all fine, but as with the repetition earlier, I think you went overboard with it.

And then, after all this consent, and all this admiring Cinderella’s determination and courage, you do an unexpected full turn and delve into degrading, public, non consensual torture and anal rape on the last scene. It is tonally incompatible with the rest of the story, and it also makes very little sense to me. So you’re punishing the evil sisters - and by the way, when the Cinderella story already has two evil sisters, why did you throw them out and invent another pair of evil sisters? - for what, for having evil intentions? The underlying assumption of the story is that even getting nude in front of spectators is unspeakably awful, and now you’re throwing two law-abiding, noble citizens into that peril for what reason exactly? (And not only that, but torturing and raping them for good measure. Why do you even need to torture and rape them, if others seeing their bodies is already so degrading?) In fairytales, the usual ending is that the goodies win and the baddies get their comeuppance, but this punishment felt very exaggerated considering that all these women did was to point out a law which, although old, was still in effect. It makes the reign of the purportedly good king seem sadistic and arbitrary and kind of paints the whole story in a very different tone.

I want to sandwich all of this, though, by returning to the original point. This is the 4th or 5th story you’ve asked for a review of. The first few were carbon copies of each other, and Daniella and the Lions was only a minor departure in tone. This Cinderella story is a vast departure in creativity and tone even if you went toward the same kink in the end. Lots of fresh ideas went into this, and that is extremely admirable. I don’t know how many places you could take this theme, but I love the will to try.

 

[AlinaX]

Arguably, a truly objective narrative is impossible. Someone is telling a story, and that someone may or may not reveal themselves as a character in the story.

First person at least tries to be honest about the relationship between narrator and story. I tend to like first person present tense because heavy handed foretelling is prevented.

I have written stories which switch between intimate first person and standard third person. I have written stories where one character is in present tense and another is in past tense. The only real rule is: You must not confuse the reader.

But another rule is that you, the author, must be loyal to your characters and your story. If you establish a strong narrative voice at the start, then that voice should be heard throughout. With first person, this happens naturally. With third person, it's far more subtle.