AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[Bramblethorn]

Be well. Wishing you a quick recovery!

Seconded!

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Be well. Wishing you a quick recovery!

Thirded.
Also - AMD, though I haven't asked for public feedback on anything of mine yet, I'm learning a lot from reading your feedback of the other stories. I like the way you're breaking things down into specific areas of analysis. It's helping me look at my stories more critically, especially the one I'm currently writing.

 

[Polyacrylate]

Thirded.
Also - AMD, though I haven't asked for public feedback on anything of mine yet, I'm learning a lot from reading your feedback of the other stories. I like the way you're breaking things down into specific areas of analysis. It's helping me look at my stories more critically, especially the one I'm currently writing.

I'll mention that AMD and I continued our discussion briefly over PM. She is great, and also maybe a wizard. Is a thought mage a thing? Skepsimancer, maybe? That seems fitting (but I would guess that bungles the Greek root words).

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'll mention that AMD and I continued our discussion briefly over PM. She is great, and also maybe a wizard. Is a thought mage a thing? Skepsimancer, maybe? That seems fitting (but I would guess that bungles the Greek root words).

I always find AMD's beta-reading immensely valuable.

 

[yukonnights]

Just to chime in; AMD salvaged a mess of a story for me. Just be warned; she's way smarter than most mere mortals.

I'm glad you started this thread, it's very interesting and instructive.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Teacher's Pet by OneAuthor

Link

There are some nitpicks here. Little things. The pacing feels a bit slow, maybe. You could be accomplishing a bit more per scene (in terms of plot) and shave an entire scene from each chapter. As one of the commenters pointed out, you gave your high school teacher a schedule that is, perhaps, a bit more like college. Most high school teachers have classes from beginning to end, not with free periods. Grading and lesson planning are expected to be done afterwards, or at night. This story has two framing devices, so that the story is nested inside of a journal entry nested inside of a flashback, and none of that adds anything. Not great, but they're all pretty minor...

Except Amber.

I am not a particularly social person (on Lit or elsewhere), so I was unaware of the fact that you are male. I mean, it's right there on your author page. You weren't trying to hide it, but I was pretty early in this story when I realized I was reading a "man writing a woman." It was setting off alarms all over the place. I was all set to turn this feedback into a lecture about that, so I went looking for some material to quote on the subject and most of what I found didn't apply. Amber doesn't spend a lot of time describing her boobs, or anyone else's boobs.

There are some warning signs. Her attire being inappropriate would not be resolved by getting other women to admit they wish they were hotter. The only conversations she has with other women are about looks (with the exception of one conversation with Polly and Tanya about bullying). She is perfectly fine with having everyone's attention because of her looks even when she's supposed to be respected as a colleague or teacher. Her behavior toward and relationship with Polly are wholly predatory, and this is given a pass because she's a woman.

Warning signs, yes… but not red flags. Not egregious examples of "a man writing a woman". So I went back to square one to reassess, because something was bothering me, and I think it's this.

I think that you tried not to sound like a man writing a woman, but I think that your unfamiliarity with the mindset caused you to write a character who is mostly fantasy material and nearly qualifies as a Mary Sue. Sure, lots of stories have characters that are fantasy material, and that's fine, but usually that fantasy character is the love interest and not the POV character.

Amber is the POV, and in order to convey how hot she is to the reader she has to describe herself in terms and tones that people usually reserve for other people (unless you're a narcissist). "That girl is hot" vs "I am hot" is, on one level, just a matter of perspective, but it says something about a person when they speak of themselves that way. Her constant attention to her looks makes her seem shallow (and hence vapid). She is constantly assessing the looks of other women, and the story justifies her treatment of them by qualifying that they are definitely not as hot as she is.

At a 10,000 ft level, the story is about a hot teacher seducing/being seduced by a student. Predatory behavior isn't a problem so much as a plot hurdle you should attempt to overcome in a long form story like this. That in-and-of itself is fine, but your choice of perspective (first person, following the teacher) undermines her. She can be caring, genuine, and sweet, but she also has to be very self-centered in order to convey those looks to the reader, and her looks are very much a focus.

Personally, I was very turned off by her as a person. I think that the average female reader* probably wouldn't like her either. That is mitigated, somewhat, by the fact that the story is kink-heavy. You only really need to appeal to foot fetishists to do well on Lit, and judging by the comments you are, but you also won't win readers beyond that field. Personally, I get comments on a lot of my stories that say something like "I've never been a big fan of <insert kink>, but I kept reading anyway and somehow this is a thing for me now!" Somehow I doubt Teacher's Pet has had that kind of reach or exposure.

Circling back around…

I think that the plot works.
I think that the perspective is a mistake.
I think that the perspective ruins your main character.
I think that your unfamiliarity with writing women was exacerbated by the perspective.
I think you limited the appeal, and it would not have been hard to avoid doing so.
I think you probably can't fix any of these things now. This story is mostly on its path for better or for worse.
I think you can use these notes toward your next story, and set yourself up to succeed rather than trying to succeed in spite of the hurdles you placed in your own way.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Thank you, everyone, for the well wishes. I appreciated it very much.

 

[mrdomdavis]

I would love to have you critique a few of my stories. I just recently started writing so I have low expectations! I'm a voracious reader but my stories here are my first foray into writing. Originally I started writing in order to come up with scenes for my submissive and I. Once I started I realized that I was really enjoying myself, and that led to more stories and eventually posting them here.

There are several more stories waiting in the wings since I set myself a goal of writing a story a week when I turned 40. I'd love to send some of them to you for a beta read if the topics are interesting to you. Basically, I want to make sure I'm not writing pure garbage before I post more. I'm also curious if you think the length works. Should I write longer stories, combine chapters, keep them this length, etc.

Best of luck on your recovery!

Story 1: This is part 1 of 2 and it was my first time incorporating a 3rd party into the story. https://www.literotica.com/s/becoming-his-ch-13

Story 2: Chastity is the main theme and I received a strong negative feedback on this one. https://www.literotica.com/s/becoming-his-ch-11

 

[AwkwardMD]

MrDomDavis - Becoming His

Link

I have to admit, I'm a little stymied on this one. I can see where the origin of your writing is establishing scenes for your sub, because these chapters read like ideas one person might inflict on another.... and not much else. It's an idea, and an incomplete one.

I thought that maybe I was just missing something because I was coming in at chapters 11 and 13, but I went back and read chapters 1 and 2 as well and this is just the pattern of it.

I don't remember seeing the sub's name. I don't remember seeing the master's name. I don't remember seeing much of a physical description of either one. The sub speaks, technically, but we don't see her words. We are only privy to a distillation of what she said; the gist. The master speaks, but his lines are purely instructional. There's not much personality to be gleaned.

I'm going to assume that you didn't get lost on the way in, and that you do want my advice, and unfortunately my advice is going to run up against the goal you set for yourself; do more. Bigger. Longer.

Spend more time on each thing you want to do. I see that you set a goal for yourself to do a story/chapter a week, and that gets infinitely harder when what I'm telling you to do is expand each chapter to 10,000 words, but I think this is where you need to be aiming.

I work in Quality for an auto parts manufacturer. We capture millions of data points about various dimensions and characteristics of our products every day, and we have to break those data points down constantly, in varying ways, for different customers, and one of the first things you have to learn about looking at data is that it is easy to be mislead by a few points here or there. You need a big, continuous sample to get a feeling for something. You need to be able to see trends over time before you can understand whether or not what you're looking at is meaningful.

These chapters aren't enough to really get a sense of you. There's not enough here. Not yet, anyway. The chastity chapter, for example, is a fine idea for someone who experiences pain and discomfort and draws pleasure from that, but her day is explained in a paragraph or two, and then she retells it in the course of a sentence that reads "She told him about her day." Unless you were there, then that's not enough to fill in the gaps.

***

I have a writing theory. I'm probably not the first person to think about writing this way but I came to it on my own. Just yesterday, while talking to a really good friend, I had a revelation about it that expands the idea.

AMD's Theory 2.0 states that everything in writing is a tool. Dialog, characterization, descriptions, settings, spacing, pacing, narrative style, perspectives, etc. All tools. These tools are used to build, and the end product is not the story or the Word document, or the site/address your story lives on, but the experience that stays with the reader. You are building a memory. Learn how to use every tool you can find. Learn when to use those tools. Learn how to craft an experience.

Right now, your story is an outline about a person who is very definitely having an experience, through the D/s relationship, but, unless the reader is intimately familiar with how that works, or the sensations of the toys being used, there's not enough here to convey the experience. Someone who has never been a sub before probably won't understand the power that they are surrendering, or the nature of the power that they still hold over their Dom. These are compelling angles of BDSM writing, but you are taking that for granted in the name of getting to the next neat idea.

Do more. I think it would behoove you to adjust your goal to, say, write 1500 words a week (rather than 'a chapter'), but wait until you have 10,000 words to call it a chapter. There will be some missteps, but the effort will pay off down the line when you're looking back at the work you've accomplished.

 

[yukonnights]

Well Doc, seems like you're ready for a new patient. I have to tell you up front, doctors scare me — but sometimes they are a necessary evil I've been playing with, what for me is, a new style of writing. In general, I'm really weary of speech tags — all the; he said, she said, they all said. It's preached often that the reader doesn't even see these. I do, they slow down the story. They remind me it's not real. Thus, my reason to try to work this out is to make my stories more immediate — more immersive. The challenge is; To do it without everything getting too confusing for the reader.

My current VD contest entry is my fourth attempt at something different. The others didn't cut it and are in the trash. Anyway, I'm not sure you're into a 'new style', but if you are; there's a link in my bio line below to Our Femdom Valentine.

This story is 11 Lit screen pages in length. I don't expect, or ask, you to read the whole thing. I'm sure you can get the sense of the style in a page or two. So if you're interested, have a peek and let me know how it reads to you. (edit to add; I think this style would only be usable on a story with a limited cast of characters. But most of mine do only have a few characters to keep track of.)

 

[AwkwardMD]

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

EDIT: We all understand variety. Nobody is trying to tell the same story as anyone else (except for hacks). Variety is good.

One of the most powerful tools in storytelling of any kind, is contrast. It's a powerful visual element. It's powerful in opera, going from loud to soft and back again. Using differences to show contrast is extremely, extremely powerful.

Learning to harness the power of variety and contrast gives you so much room to tell stories. It gives you so much potential energy that a deft hand can turn into sexual energy, or kinetic energy, or emotional energy. Readers respond to that.

 

[mrdomdavis]

Thank you very much. I'll digest all of that and get back to work.

I have to admit, I'm a little stymied on this one. I can see where the origin of your writing is establishing scenes for your sub, because these chapters read like ideas one person might inflict on another.... and not much else. It's an idea, and an incomplete one.

I thought that maybe I was just missing something because I was coming in at chapters 11 and 13, but I went back and read chapters 1 and 2 as well and this is just the pattern of it.

I don't remember seeing the sub's name. I don't remember seeing the master's name. I don't remember seeing much of a physical description of either one. The sub speaks, technically, but we don't see her words. We are only privy to a distillation of what she said; the gist. The master speaks, but his lines are purely instructional. There's not much personality to be gleaned.

I'm going to assume that you didn't get lost on the way in, and that you do want my advice, and unfortunately my advice is going to run up against the goal you set for yourself; do more. Bigger. Longer.

Spend more time on each thing you want to do. I see that you set a goal for yourself to do a story/chapter a week, and that gets infinitely harder when what I'm telling you to do is expand each chapter to 10,000 words, but I think this is where you need to be aiming.

I work in Quality for an auto parts manufacturer. We capture millions of data points about various dimensions and characteristics of our products every day, and we have to break those data points down constantly, in varying ways, for different customers, and one of the first things you have to learn about looking at data is that it is easy to be mislead by a few points here or there. You need a big, continuous sample to get a feeling for something. You need to be able to see trends over time before you can understand whether or not what you're looking at is meaningful.

These chapters aren't enough to really get a sense of you. There's not enough here. Not yet, anyway. The chastity chapter, for example, is a fine idea for someone who experiences pain and discomfort and draws pleasure from that, but her day is explained in a paragraph or two, and then she retells it in the course of a sentence that reads "She told him about her day." Unless you were there, then that's not enough to fill in the gaps.

***

I have a writing theory. I'm probably not the first person to think about writing this way but I came to it on my own. Just yesterday, while talking to a really good friend, I had a revelation about it that expands the idea.

AMD's Theory 2.0 states that everything in writing is a tool. Dialog, characterization, descriptions, settings, spacing, pacing, narrative style, perspectives, etc. All tools. These tools are used to build, and the end product is not the Word document, or the site/address your story lives on, but the experience that stays with the reader. You are building a memory. Learn how to use every tool you can find. Learn when to use those tools. Learn how to craft an experience.

Right now, your story is an outline about a person who is very definitely having an experience, through the D/s relationship, but, unless the reader is intimately familiar with how that works, or the sensations of the toys being used, there's not enough here to convey the experience. Someone who has never been a sub before probably won't understand the power that they are surrendering, or the nature of the power that they still hold over their Dom. These are compelling angles of BDSM writing, but you are taking that for granted in the name of getting to the next neat idea.

Do more. I think it would behoove you to adjust your goal to, say, write 1500 words a week (rather than 'a chapter'), but wait until you have 10,000 words to call it a chapter. There will be some missteps, but the effort will pay off down the line when you're looking back at the work you've accomplished.

 

[SeabornFare]

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

Reading your reviews is interesting, even if they are based on your perceptions of what makes for good writing, but save the preaching for Twitter.

No writer, artist, or creative soul should have to keep a checklist of inclusion and diversity nearby because it will make everyone feel better about themselves. Before you know it, your criticisms will no longer be about inclusion, but on whether or not the included minorities were written correctly, and then these authors will spend less time creating and more time resenting the robotic demands of their work. Writing is the freedom of expression, not about meeting the arbitrary demands of every single person who opens up a book. Perhaps you should encourage more non-white authors to write.

Now that that is out of the way, I'm enjoying your thread and the obvious effort you put into breaking it down someone's submission, and giving back what you believe to be sound advice. Well done.

 

[OneAuthor]

There are some nitpicks here. Little things. The pacing feels a bit slow, maybe. You could be accomplishing a bit more per scene (in terms of plot) and shave an entire scene from each chapter. As one of the commenters pointed out, you gave your high school teacher a schedule that is, perhaps, a bit more like college. Most high school teachers have classes from beginning to end, not with free periods. Grading and lesson planning are expected to be done afterwards, or at night. This story has two framing devices, so that the story is nested inside of a journal entry nested inside of a flashback, and none of that adds anything. Not great, but they're all pretty minor...

Except Amber.

I am not a particularly social person (on Lit or elsewhere), so I was unaware of the fact that you are male. I mean, it's right there on your author page. You weren't trying to hide it, but I was pretty early in this story when I realized I was reading a "man writing a woman." It was setting off alarms all over the place. I was all set to turn this feedback into a lecture about that, so I went looking for some material to quote on the subject and most of what I found didn't apply. Amber doesn't spend a lot of time describing her boobs, or anyone else's boobs.

There are some warning signs. Her attire being inappropriate would not be resolved by getting other women to admit they wish they were hotter. The only conversations she has with other women are about looks (with the exception of one conversation with Polly and Tanya about bullying). She is perfectly fine with having everyone's attention because of her looks even when she's supposed to be respected as a colleague or teacher. Her behavior toward and relationship with Polly are wholly predatory, and this is given a pass because she's a woman.

Warning signs, yes… but not red flags. Not egregious examples of "a man writing a woman". So I went back to square one to reassess, because something was bothering me, and I think it's this.

I think that you tried not to sound like a man writing a woman, but I think that your unfamiliarity with the mindset caused you to write a character who is mostly fantasy material and nearly qualifies as a Mary Sue. Sure, lots of stories have characters that are fantasy material, and that's fine, but usually that fantasy character is the love interest and not the POV character.

Amber is the POV, and in order to convey how hot she is to the reader she has to describe herself in terms and tones that people usually reserve for other people (unless you're a narcissist). "That girl is hot" vs "I am hot" is, on one level, just a matter of perspective, but it says something about a person when they speak of themselves that way. Her constant attention to her looks makes her seem shallow (and hence vapid). She is constantly assessing the looks of other women, and the story justifies her treatment of them by qualifying that they are definitely not as hot as she is.

At a 10,000 ft level, the story is about a hot teacher seducing/being seduced by a student. Predatory behavior isn't a problem so much as a plot hurdle you should attempt to overcome in a long form story like this. That in-and-of itself is fine, but your choice of perspective (first person, following the teacher) undermines her. She can be caring, genuine, and sweet, but she also has to be very self-centered in order to convey those looks to the reader, and her looks are very much a focus.

Personally, I was very turned off by her as a person. I think that the average female reader* probably wouldn't like her either. That is mitigated, somewhat, by the fact that the story is kink-heavy. You only really need to appeal to foot fetishists to do well on Lit, and judging by the comments you are, but you also won't win readers beyond that field. Personally, I get comments on a lot of my stories that say something like "I've never been a big fan of <insert kink>, but I kept reading anyway and somehow this is a thing for me now!" Somehow I doubt Teacher's Pet has had that kind of reach or exposure.

Circling back around…

I think that the plot works.
I think that the perspective is a mistake.
I think that the perspective ruins your main character.
I think that your unfamiliarity with writing women was exacerbated by the perspective.
I think you limited the appeal, and it would not have been hard to avoid doing so.
I think you probably can't fix any of these things now. This story is mostly on its path for better or for worse.
I think you can use these notes toward your next story, and set yourself up to succeed rather than trying to succeed in spite of the hurdles you placed in your own way.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read at least some of my story, as well as the comments, and offer up your honest feedback. I really appreciate it.

As you already perceived, this was my first attempt at writing anything from the female perspective. I had hoped to have a few female editors/proofreaders look at the story before I posted here at Lit, to let me know how the POV worked. I didn't have much success, despite a number of attempts. I did manage to find one who read the first four chapters, but she didn't give any more feedback than "I thought it was well written and the plot was good."

You've given me a lot of food for thought going forward, especially should I decide to write another story from the female perspective. Thanks again.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read at least some of my story, as well as the comments, and offer up your honest feedback. I really appreciate it.

As you already perceived, this was my first attempt at writing anything from the female perspective. I had hoped to have a few female editors/proofreaders look at the story before I posted here at Lit, to let me know how the POV worked. I didn't have much success, despite a number of attempts. I did manage to find one who read the first four chapters, but she didn't give any more feedback than "I thought it was well written and the plot was good."

You've given me a lot of food for thought going forward, especially should I decide to write another story from the female perspective. Thanks again.

I cannot understate how much I would encourage you to write from a perspective that is different than your own. Male writers that can nail the female perspective open themselves up to a big audience, and it doesn't take much. Your goal was admirable, as was the attempt to find female perspectives to chime in.

Whenever you are getting ready to start a new project, frlm scratch, send me a PM. A lot of the hard work in good writing SHOULD be done in the planning stage, when you are setting yourself up to succeed. When that stage gets skipped, you only shift that hard work around into either the writing or editing stages. It can't be avoided.

 

[OneAuthor]

I cannot understate how much I would encourage you to write from a perspective that is different than your own. Male writers that can nail the female perspective open themselves up to a big audience, and it doesn't take much. Your goal was admirable, as was the attempt to find female perspectives to chime in.

Whenever you are getting ready to start a new project, from scratch, send me a PM. A lot of the hard work in good writing SHOULD be done in the planning stage, when you are setting yourself up to succeed. When that stage gets skipped, you only shift that hard work around into either the writing or editing stages. It can't be avoided.

Thanks. And I definitely will send you a PM when I am ready to start a new project.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

This is something that’s been on my mind for a few weeks, and that I’d felt strangely isolated in noticing/experiencing. I’m grateful to know that it’s actually a shared observation, and that you’re bringing up the value of inclusive writing.

I was debating whether to throw in the following: Ten Thousand Spoons. The story is subtle overall; its diversity is purposefully so. I worked hard to reflect complex nuances of cultural and racial differences that can come into play even in the most color-blind environments and relationships, as well as offer an alternative to the typical race fetishism in interracial romance stories. I had useful feedback from my diverse beta readers and have had a positive reception so far, but I’m also interested in your feedback, MD, for my own edification, and the additional prism of your scope and insight. Thanks in advance for your time!

 

[8letters]

No writer, artist, or creative soul should have to keep a checklist of inclusion and diversity nearby because it will make everyone feel better about themselves. Before you know it, your criticisms will no longer be about inclusion, but on whether or not the included minorities were written correctly, and then these authors will spend less time creating and more time resenting the robotic demands of their work. Writing is the freedom of expression, not about meeting the arbitrary demands of every single person who opens up a book.

I think the point AwkwardMD is bringing up is that we live in a multi-ethnic world and to have a story full of only white characters can come across as odd. If your story is set at a suburban high school or at a large corporation, it should reflect the diversity of the people in those settings. If everyone is white, it may come across that you can't see the non-whites that should be there.

Perhaps you should encourage more non-white authors to write.

Why does an author have to be non-white to have a non-white minor character?

 

[yukonnights]

I think the point AwkwardMD is bringing up is that we live in a multi-ethnic world and to have a story full of only white characters can come across as odd. If your story is set at a suburban high school or at a large corporation, it should reflect the diversity of the people in those settings. If everyone is white, it may come across that you can't see the non-whites that should be there.


Why does an author have to be non-white to have a non-white minor character?

As I was reading AMD's post, the thought came to me that; I'm not sure I could do justice to the culture and life experiences of a person who has lived a much different life than I have. Of course, just the inclusion of a casual "bit character" wouldn't require much effort — but to actually get into the head of someone from a different culture would. I could probably pull off a Hispanic character, but only because I have lived in a place where it is part of my own experience. I think it would border on disrespect to fake something and botch it ... a trope or caricature for effect.

I guess what I'm saying is; If you're gonna do it, spend the time and effort to do it right. And I agree that adding cultural diversity would enhance most stories. In fact the dominant female character in my VD contest story is Hispanic, but lives in Eugene, Oregon. So there is not a major cultural theme to it.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

EDIT: We all understand variety. Nobody is trying to tell the same story as anyone else (except for hacks). Variety is good.

One of the most powerful tools in storytelling of any kind, is contrast. It's a powerful visual element. It's powerful in opera, going from loud to soft and back again. Using differences to show contrast is extremely, extremely powerful.

Learning to harness the power of variety and contrast gives you so much room to tell stories. It gives you so much potential energy that a deft hand can turn into sexual energy, or kinetic energy, or emotional energy. Readers respond to that.

Ok, I've been toying with the idea of asking you to review my worst received story (which has just barely cracked 4*). This post of yours tipped me over into "yes, definitely, have the Doc look at it".

I *think* I have an idea of what went wrong, but I'd like a second opinion (and a third, honestly, if anyone else feels like taking a look, too). It's almost 15K words, about 5 pages. It's in Fetish and heavily features watersports. It's one in a series of stories I've written about the same couple, but they're all stand alone stories. That being said, there's not a lot of background about them; the stories are written as those we're kind of peekin in on what they happen to be doing at a given moment in time. (At least, that was the idea in my brain.)

Symon & Michelle: Poker Night

Thanks!

umm, i think...

 

[SeabornFare]

I think the point AwkwardMD is bringing up is that we live in a multi-ethnic world and to have a story full of only white characters can come across as odd. If your story is set at a suburban high school or at a large corporation, it should reflect the diversity of the people in those settings. If everyone is white, it may come across that you can't see the non-whites that should be there.


Why does an author have to be non-white to have a non-white minor character?

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

Read your question, then read AwkwardMD's statement, then read mine again.

 

[SeabornFare]

I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white. In isolation, that's not a problem for any of them, but when looked at as a whole, it does seem to indicate a lack of diversity OR a kind of unconscious uniformity. I doubt any of you sat down and thought "I'm gonna exclude other races and cultures SO HARD", but the lack of color of any kind is worth menioning.

To anyone following along woth a story in the planning stages, please consider writing something with some inclusivity. Not for my sake, but for everyone's.

EDIT: We all understand variety. Nobody is trying to tell the same story as anyone else (except for hacks). Variety is good.

One of the most powerful tools in storytelling of any kind, is contrast. It's a powerful visual element. It's powerful in opera, going from loud to soft and back again. Using differences to show contrast is extremely, extremely powerful.

Learning to harness the power of variety and contrast gives you so much room to tell stories. It gives you so much potential energy that a deft hand can turn into sexual energy, or kinetic energy, or emotional energy. Readers respond to that.

Your EDIT is a far better reason for writing diverse characters (ethnicities, cultures, struggles, viewpoints, etc.) than your original post, if only for the experience and the exercise of writing a wide range of characters, personalities, and possible conflicts that could arise from such an eclectic cast. Writing to learn is much better than writing to satisfy a feel-good quota. (I wish you would have said that the first time.)

 

[8letters]

Read your question, then read AwkwardMD's statement, then read mine again.

Ok.

My question:
Why does an author have to be non-white to have a non-white minor character?

AwkwardMD's statment:
I would like to point out, without blaming anyone, that 100% of the characters that have appeared through these first four stories I've been handed, are all white.

Your statement:
:
Perhaps you should encourage more non-white authors to write.

I don't get your point. Mine still stands.

In my last story, the MMC has conversations with a total of six co-workers. Two of them are black. Later in the story, the MMC mentions that the women he is currently seeing is half-Japanese. To me, having that diversity made the story more realistic and said good things about the MMC. I think that's the kind of thing AwkwardMD was suggesting.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I think it would border on disrespect to fake something and botch it ... a trope or caricature for effect.

I guess what I'm saying is; If you're gonna do it, spend the time and effort to do it right. And I agree that adding cultural diversity would enhance most stories. In fact the dominant female character in my VD contest story is Hispanic, but lives in Eugene, Oregon. So there is not a major cultural theme to it.

I think these are very good points.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I'm curious how anyone knows how many non-white authors publish on Lit.