Ask a MtF TG a question

[eomerson]

Hey, question for you on transgenders in the public eye. For me Bruce Jenner was a hero to me as a kid and now I respect him for his courage to become who he should be. We were talking about Dylan Mulvaney at my game group. Full disclosure .. we are nerdy white straight and gay guys so our opinions are obviously limited. We all believe he is using transgender issues for fame and we just all feel he is almost making a mockery of trans folks. Not being transgendered, I would like to know what you think. You know from my posts that I have a trans-woman acquaintance and have a lot of respect and support for the trans community. I guess it just seems Dylan doesnt seem genuine and polarizes idiots to anti-trans views rather than building bridges. As always be well and stay safe!

 

[stickygirl]

Dylan doesn't speak for me, nor does Caitlyn. No one elected them. Theirs are just the views of two people. I think it must be very difficult for anyone in the public eye to have a balanced view of the world because they exist in a vacuum, whether they are entertainers or politicians. If they're dickheads and famous, the press are going to love them for saying dumb things, but that interest is quadrupled because they're trans - easy clickbait headlines.

PS You need to watch your pronouns - Caitlyn is a woman so it's who she is.

 

[eomerson]

Noted! Still hard at times when I mention her old name!

 

[stickygirl]

Noted! Still hard at times when I mention her old name!

You have a point I guess. If a person is famous their name becomes a product that we've all become familiar with. Some work better than others and I struggle now to remember Elliott Page's dead name because his transition feels like the end of a journey.

 

[stickygirl]

I don't hate to sound rude.

"We are nerdy white straight and gay guys so our opinions are obviously limited. We all believe [she] is using transgender issues for fame and we just all feel [she] is almost making a mockery of trans folks."

She didn't "use transgender issues for fame" vapidly. She got famous because she happened to be pretty while documenting her social and medical transition on TikTok, a social media platform that is extremely popular with young people. This is now a way for many cisgender people to gain notoriety. Bear in mind, too, that Mulvaney is 26 years old, and is just barely above the YOUTH age bracket that uses this platform in an attempt to earn social media dollars.

She also happens to be privileged, Mr. White Guy, just like you. She went to a conservatory and got a musical theater degree. She's making bank and that does not deserve special scorn just because she's trans.

"You know from my posts that I have a trans-woman acquaintance and have a lot of respect and support for the trans community. I guess it just seems Dylan doesnt seem genuine and polarizes idiots to anti-trans views rather than building bridges."

Cool, you have a trans woman acquaintance.

There are different forms of pro-trans action. It would take too long for me to write about the ways in which her conversation with Joe Biden about gender-affirming care was in support of more privileged trans people, but not trans people that are the most destitute and oppressed in my country. Of course gender-affirming care being free and inclusive is important, but that is being prioritized 1,000 times over the sexual abuse, starvation, and deaths of black trans people, trans people who can't afford to transition and have no one to care for them, trans people who live on the streets for decades, and trans people living on reservations. Mulvaney is helping the mainstream trans politic which is fine for many but not enough in my opinion. I could go on and on (read Snorton's Trans Necropolitics if you want).

But that wasn't what you said. You claim she "doesn't seem genuine." This is a common misogynist dig that men do at women who get into politics, at women in judicial trials, at women in general. That a woman must be lying, must be disingenuous for some reason, must be fake. A woman's actions, facial features, tone, words, everything are hyper-analyzed by men and even other women who disagree with her just to create some bullshit fault and claim that she's "being fake." It happened with so many women politicians, media stars, you name it. Now Mulvaney isn't even a politician! But because she is a woman, a trans woman, even, she has to be criticized on her "realness."

This is despite the fact that countless sociolinguistic studies show that women do not speak or behave differently from men, as a class.

It's almost as if women are constantly standing on a tightrope of approval from men.

You two have got the better of me, because I never knew about Caitlyn's former persona and I know squat about Dylan. Count me out for opinion and I hope I spoke vaguely enough to hide my ignorance

 

[Writer_FM]

I didn't scroll through all the posts so forgive me if you addressed this already. How do I match the size of fake boobs to my build to look realistic?. I'm 5'10" and 175 lbs.

 

[stickygirl]

I didn't scroll through all the posts so forgive me if you addressed this already. How do I match the size of fake boobs to my build to look realistic?. I'm 5'10" and 175 lbs.

I don't have them so I can't offer much help. If you google and find a decent link let us know
I'm not a fan of chest bottoms and I'm happy with my little homegrown efforts. Big boobs look to be a nuisance apart from when you have the outfit that needs them.

 

[stickygirl]

I seldom have the courage to read Pink News, the UK based LGBTQIA newspaper. I've just come from reading a couple of articles and it's more than I can bear. I wish I hadn't looked. There's so much bad news, so much hatred. They want us dead.

 

[Paradox]

They want us dead.

Just the most extreme fringe, but I imagine even that is discouraging. I have to think the vast majority would want you as a friend.

 

[coati]

The virtual world is not the real world. That's all I have to say about anonymous haters.

Sticky and other earnest posters shine through the thick cloud of negativity that hangs over the virtual world. I am grateful for their willingness to communicate in good faith.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Yes, when my breasts were growing, they were very tender but it was certainly the most exciting phase of my transition. Mine are completely homegrown and I have no intention of having a boob-job. There are times when I'm shopping it would be nice to wear certain clothes that suit a bigger bust, but I'm hardly the first woman that wanted instantly adjustable boob-size to match the dress! I'm around an A'+' size - it depends on the outfit and I know several cis-women with smaller ones than mine ... I love being around them!!
[/QUOTE]

When my ex had been on hormones about 4 to 6 months, the breast tenderness and breast buds started to develop. They also said it was very exciting (not arousing) because it was a sign the hormones were inducing change.
My ex is a solid B and has a surgical consult for top surgery.
In my brain, I wish they wouldn't do it. I have had 7 abdominal surgeries and the recovery is much harder at 56 than it was at 26.

In my heart, I know they won't be satisfied with only a b-cup. I suggested water bras, padded, pushup, and everywhere in between.

They present male in a very gender-biased career field and female most other places. The b-cup appears easier to me, though they don't care.
My opinion and feelings are not important, so I try to keep my comments based solely in medicine and science.
It is the best way I can help and support.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Haha, things never make sense.

If a typical transgender woman goes on HRT, her biology changes pretty drastically to mimic that of a typical cis woman's. I mentioned in a different post elsewhere about why trans women are at equal risk of breast cancer. Going through puberty with testosterone first doesn't really matter, it just means you have a working reproductive system and thickened vocal cords, to put it simply...

It reminds me of some smaller conversations that were had about transgender men in sports and doping because, as you know, the typical trans guy (especially presenting himself so publicly) would be on T. Because testosterone is a banned substance as much as spiro is. But as far as I have seen, the consensus is that a transgender man is allowed to play the sport if he obtains a therapeutic use exemption (TUE), does not "change his gender" for sports purposes within a certain number of years, and keeps his testosterone levels within the normal range for a man. TUE is a barrier, last part is not difficult. We do that already.

Of course, I have heard of trans men just being kicked off local teams just because Transphobia.

But anyway, this means that transgender women are just being treated like men-but-not-men purely as a means of exclusion. Like there is no attempt to even measure their estrogen levels or whatever.

Notice how it's being treated as, bar none, being biologically "male" is always the unfair advantage, and being biologically "female" is an automatic disadvantage. That is why in this specific case, it's just going to be about measuring a trans guy's levels and that's it.

But that's not enough for women's sports. Because, and I swear to god I've found this heinousness, people in sports medicine argue that cis men AKA people specifically with more testosterone in their bodies are better at visual-spatial awareness than cis women. Among other things in the brain. They even overanalyze shit like "omg this woman's chest cavity is smaller than this man's chest cavity, THEREFORE, men can breathe better than women and are better at sports!!!"

I could go on but lol. You can see how various fields of medicine and science treat "male" as default and as superior. Dude. It's some increase in muscle mass/ density, maybe. And that dies with estrogen.

Cis people make me shake my head sometimes.

I am a CIS-female married to a MtoF TG.
My spouse has been on hormones 2.5 years and has undergone many physical changes.
Recently, they declined helping me with heavy lifting stating they don't have the same strength they used to have.

My spouse is 58 and has opportunity to work with young adult men. These young adult men are no where near as strong as my spouse.

Testosterone levels that are undetected is not the only factor.
XY persons have stronger bone density, denser muscle mass, and stronger connective tissue.
More often than not, the muscles are longer as well as the limbs.
Lack of testosterone does not reduce these factors.
Athletics is such a subjective situation. Having worked in Healthcare, a college graduate on a pre-med track, and the spouse of a MtoF, I agree that athletes must be reviewed and most likely, MtoF persons should not compete against female athletes.

 

[Wag_that_tail86]

The virtual world is not the real world. That's all I have to say about anonymous haters.

Sticky and other earnest posters shine through the thick cloud of negativity that hangs over the virtual world. I am grateful for their willingness to communicate in good faith.

Well said...as a society we need to discuss transgender issues, and a host of issues, with compassion and understanding, but for too many it is far easier to simply reject perspectives or realities that challenge their own views. When thinking becomes rigid, when rejection turns to hate, we are on the road to disaster...

 

[stickygirl]

I am a CIS-female married to a MtoF TG.
My spouse has been on hormones 2.5 years and has undergone many physical changes.
Recently, they declined helping me with heavy lifting stating they don't have the same strength they used to have.

My spouse is 58 and has opportunity to work with young adult men. These young adult men are no where near as strong as my spouse.

Testosterone levels that are undetected is not the only factor.
XY persons have stronger bone density, denser muscle mass, and stronger connective tissue.
More often than not, the muscles are longer as well as the limbs.
Lack of testosterone does not reduce these factors.
Athletics is such a subjective situation. Having worked in Healthcare, a college graduate on a pre-med track, and the spouse of a MtoF, I agree that athletes must be reviewed and most likely, MtoF persons should not compete against female athletes.

Trans women are no longer allowed to compete against cis-women in any national competitive sport - it is law in virtually every country that has competitive sports. I'm kinda tired of pointing this out.

I'm not sure what point you're making about your spouse and I'm sorry that's causing you problems.

 

[coati]

Trans women are no longer allowed to compete against cis-women in any national competitive sport - it is law in virtually every country that has competitive sports. I'm kinda tired of pointing this out.

It's the right-wing politicians who foolishly keep acting like sports and bathrooms are the most serious issues faced by the human species today. Their entire world view and election platforms are based on bullying and scapegoating.

Cruelty is a poison that diminishes quality of life for the perpetrator and everyone around them. Kindness and consideration are the antidotes for that poison, both in real life and on line.

 

[stickygirl]

It's the right-wing politicians who foolishly keep acting like sports and bathrooms are the most serious issues faced by the human species today. Their entire world view and election platforms are based on bullying and scapegoating.

Cruelty is a poison that diminishes quality of life for the perpetrator and everyone around them. Kindness and consideration are the antidotes for that poison, both in real life and on line.

Thanks coati - I can always rely on your support
To be fair, it was the sports bodies and cis-gender women who raised the issue of fairness. There was a couple of years of prevarication and head scratching until the IOC and others made their rulings. I too am led by science and fairness. Until the research is done, I think it's only fair to the huge majority of cis women athletes.

However
The number of trans competitors at national and international levels are single digits against ten of thousands of cis women, so the pushback has been amplified by Fox and politicians.
Also, because rulings at national levels tend to filter down, we're already seeing local club level sports following suit, making unfair and disproportionate rulings against trans athletes. Sport shouldn't be so focused on elites but should encourage kids, adults, everyone to have access to sports no matter what their gender.

I remember the fear I had when I first took part in a university sport as a young woman. Happily, amongst educated, yes, even scientific minds, I was warmly welcomed.

Science, even medical science is not carved in stone. It has to be open to questions and challenges. That's why, faced with scientific questions, the international sports bodies have made this interim decision.

 

[coati]

Yes, at the high levels of sports competition, things are getting worked out. Meanwhile, at the grade school levels, enlightened administrators are promoting more co-ed sports, just so physical education can be welcoming, fun, and beneficial to everyone.

At this extremely hot time of the year in the desert, I do lap swimming at night. My local gym has co-ed sandlot volleyball under lights at night, right next to the lap pool. I watched the scene as I swam in the lane closest to the volleyball courts. It was competitive and fun. Everyone left together and went to the snack bar for conversation afterwards. Nobody looked at their cell phones for the whole evening. That was such a refreshing scene to observe from the cool water of a pool.

If more people experienced that high quality of life, less of them would retreat so obsessively to the virtual world, and more people would appreciate diversity.

 

[stickygirl]

Slight digression, but I had some good comments from my Fishing story that dates back to 2012. I re-read bits of it as a result and noticed how in parts I was basically documenting my autistic traits even though I wasn't diagnosed then. My references to thought circles and how was processing things is classic autism.

In much later stories, after my diagnosis, I make occasional mentions of my characters being autistic and one even has a shutdown. I keep meaning to start a GB thread about autism, given that there are so many of us here. I'm not sure how it would be received though.

 

[stickygirl]

I didn't know all of these, but maybe some were N American problems. I certainly played along with the expectations of gatekeepers ie lied when needed
https://64.media.tumblr.com/46075ebc1ee85ed42fc3ecc41496534d/d5aba8ecb8f2f8d7-f7/s540x810/13d06f204eba58146b85313e7888f6c2aab01c53.jpg

 

[stickygirl]

Here we are again... Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, a term coined by researcher Lisa Littman in 2018, has once again been dismissed by all major medical bodies in the US. In rebuffing the spurious claims the director of mental health at UCSF, Diane Ehrensaft said "This is not Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, it’s rapid-onset parental discovery.”

So I suppose if I decide to have fish for supper, I could describe it as Rapid Onset Pescatarian Dieting or alternatively Rapid Onset Catching the Bus Home Syndrome.

Sixty-two medical providers in the US, including the American Psychological Association (APA), have previously denounced Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) as a non-legitimate clinical diagnosis.

Ehrensaft went on "To talk about what children are thinking, feeling and doing, particularly as they get old enough to have their own minds and narratives, you need to interview them.“ Ehrensaft also noted that, for many transgender children, parents can often be the last people they tell about their dysphoria, as coming out to family can be an incredibly terrifying prospect.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Hi, I just want to ask if you still enjoy camping with friends.

 

[stickygirl]

I had someone posted a link to an interview of a trans woman who came out quite late, having worked for Goldman Sachs all her life.
The interviewer asked about dead-naming ( using a person's former name ) and how we should address for example, films by Elliot Page under his former name. The interviewee gave a sensible answer, pointing out that she couldn't delete 57 years of life prior to coming out, though she admitted she understood why some people were unhappy with dead names.
Thinking about it made me realise most of the 'noise' wrt to dead names tends to come from younger people, who have yet to live their life. For them there is less to 'delete' ; less reason to make reference to a former gender ID.
I think it's fair to say as well, now that I'm in my thirties, that teens and young folk just are more prickly and sensitive to such things. Ask any teen about their latest haircut and they'll give you attitude back - that's just how young folks are.
The point being that critics will often draw attention to a young trans' reactions to claim 'it's just a phase' or 'they need to grow up' 'they're too young to know' but that can be applied to most kids for any number of reasons: staying out late, hanging out with the wrong crowd, flunking school. It's just another example of how trans are singled out for being unstable and difficult when the follow up question should be '... so compared to any other teen?'
We were all a bit lost and flakey as kids - why should trans kids be any different? Matter of fact, those kids who're struggling with gender are dealing with big grown-up questions most folks never have to ask or answer. Give 'em a break.

 

[stickygirl]

My girlfriend is 37 and she has gone by her female name close to her entire life. Nevertheless her passport, her drivers license and other official documentation all have her dead name. She hates any reference to her dead name and I know better than to ever refer to it even jokingly.

Paperwork sucks. Happily I've jumped all the hoops here.

 

[AlexBailey]

I recently hired a ftm transgender helper for work. He’s in his late twenties now, began transitioning at eighteen, I’ve know him since he was eleven.

When he first jumped in the truck I preemptively apologized in case I ever dead named him, he brushed it off, saying “it’s like muscle memory, you can’t expect everyone to make the change and get it right all the time.”

He said it’s not a big deal to him unless someone is pointedly not using his chosen name. He said he knows other trans people who are very sensitive about it but that things often come up unless they have severed themselves from their past.

He’s now dating a trans-man who used to be my one of my oldest son’s girlfriends. On the one hand everyone wants to respect his chosen name, but on the other hand my son didn’t date “him”, he dated “her”, so often when they talk about their pre-transition self they use third person perspective.

My youngest son is good friends with a trans-guy who was once his girlfriend. They only deal with things in the present and avoid any mention of knowing each other as anything other than guy-friends.

 

[stickygirl]

I recently hired a ftm transgender helper for work. He’s in his late twenties now, began transitioning at eighteen, I’ve know him since he was eleven.

When he first jumped in the truck I preemptively apologized in case I ever dead named him, he brushed it off, saying “it’s like muscle memory, you can’t expect everyone to make the change and get it right all the time.”

He said it’s not a big deal to him unless someone is pointedly not using his chosen name. He said he knows other trans people who are very sensitive about it but that things often come up unless they have severed themselves from their past.

He’s now dating a trans-man who used to be my one of my oldest son’s girlfriends. On the one hand everyone wants to respect his chosen name, but on the other hand my son didn’t date “him”, he dated “her”, so often when they talk about their pre-transition self they use third person perspective.

My youngest son is good friends with a trans-guy who was once his girlfriend. They only deal with things in the present and avoid any mention of knowing each other as anything other than guy-friends.

I blame the Vikings and their pronoun thing