Ask a MtF TG a question

[Zrosey]

In my head and my soul I am a woman. I can't change my DNA so I will always be a trans woman. We deserve to be treated not with privileges or special-case status, but just as other women - our equals

From way back in 2014, but still valid, and it speaks to me.
I love this

 

[stickygirl]

I like a bit of black humour and found this report on Pink News. The article highlights the transphobic self-own amongst cis-gender bigots, who judge people on their looks and demand that women must conform to imaginary standards.

Besides, if Daniel Radcliffe were dating a trans woman, so fucking what? Instead the transphobes accuse Radcliffe's girl friend, Erin Darke, of 'looking like a bloke' and 'peeing with the seat up'.

Erin is pregnant with their first child and Daniel will be an amazing father.

https://www.thepinknews.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/Erin-Darke-and-Daniel-Radcliffe.jpg?resize=1584,832

Gender equality campaigner Gina Martin said that it “brilliantly demonstrates” that transphobia is as misogynistic as it is discriminatory. Others agreed, with Twitter user saying that “the best thing [I’ve] ever heard about this is ‘TERFs define women the way men define women’

 

[coati]

I love how Frida Kahlo totally blew off the imaginary standards for how a woman is supposed to look.

 

[stickygirl]

Just a glimmer of sanity
A letter to the Guardian in the UK today
"The Equality and Human Rights Commission’s advice to the minister for women and equalities (Kemi Badenoch could rewrite law to allow trans exclusion from single-sex spaces, 4 April) appears to avoid addressing the key issue driving recent attention on the rights of trans people: access to single-sex toilets and changing spaces. They appear not to have taken the issue to a logical conclusion, an exercise that reveals two glaring flaws.

First, if such spaces are to be divided by “biological sex”, this will force trans women into men’s spaces and, more alarmingly, trans men into women’s spaces. The latter will mean that a greater number of more masculine people will be present in women’s spaces, thereby making it easier for cis (or biological) men to infiltrate them. This will increase the risk to women using such facilities, not to mention the increase in risk to trans women using men’s facilities.

Second, how should such a policy be policed? Fundamental statistics tells us that almost any feasible system of distinguishing between trans and cis people will reject more cis people than trans, as they make up 99.5% of the population. This will be deeply prejudicial against any women wishing to use such facilities who do not appear sufficiently feminine.

There is no evidence of an increase in risk to the public at large when trans people are legally allowed to access the toilet and changing facilities appropriate to their preferred gender; there are multiple jurisdictions in Europe and North America where this is the case. Any administration seeking to increase the protection afforded to women should be pledging to criminalise sexual harassment, decriminalise abortion, introduce menstrual leave, increase funding for women’s refuges, make misogyny a hate crime, increase prosecutions for rape, and end rapists’ parental rights."

 

[Crios]

Speaking of humour...since this thread deals with such heavy topics, I thought a short funny interlude would be worthwhile. Drag queens/shows, not strictly TG but, hopefully, readers will appreciate the delicious irony...
(Homophobic) GOP leaders reimagined as drag queens

 

[Tayloroc]

Speaking of humour...since this thread deals with such heavy topics, I thought a short funny interlude would be worthwhile. Drag queens/shows, not strictly TG but, hopefully, readers will appreciate the delicious irony...
(Homophobic) GOP leaders reimagined as drag queens

Priceless, especially Lindsay graham. Hell, he has the name already!

 

[Tayloroc]

 

[Crios]

Priceless, especially Lindsay graham. Hell, he has the name already!

Ted Cruz is just ugly, as a man or a woman. Matches his soul

 

[Zrosey]

 

[stickygirl]

There's probably been a study of how people are apt to forgive someone if they have made us laugh. Having typed that, I realise it's pretty obvious - we do it every day.

So Barry Humphries has died. I can't say I'll miss him. I'm from a generation that has never understood music hall ribaldry that drew its humorous inspiration from blacking up, sexism and cruel parody. It appealed to the wrong side of human nature: bigotry. I won't deny he was clever, but so are many unpleasant people.

People often become outspoken with advancing years, not, as in Humphries case, because fame granted him exemption, but simply because they no longer care if they cause offence. In the case of celebrities, society is too quick to forgive or turn a blind eye to someone who entertains them, because it's hard to believe they are not good people. Jimmy Savile fell into that category and we could include Gary Glitter, Cosby and numerous others who have soured with age.

Humphries made no secret of his admiration of Donald Friend, calling him a 'benevolent pedophile' in an introduction of The Donald Friend's Diaries, also referring to him as 'brilliant and unique’. If you follow the link you'll find Friend was an unashamed pederast who travelled the world seeking out young boys to fuel his depravity. Yet Humphries and his generation applauded him.

Lets not also forget the Spectator interview in which Humphries described 'transgenderism' as a fashion while supporting his friend Germain Greer, the transphobic celebrity, who in 2016, described trans women as "mutilated men" and "men who believe that they are women and have themselves castrated".

Mocking people who don't fit western societal expectations ( white patriarchal capitalist ) are easy targets for those who delight in division. Audiences applaud because they are too frightened to be seen to not-to-laugh. My grandparents generation used to love black-up and worried that 'negroes' would leave black fingerprints on the laundry. Well, we moved on, just about.

Yet here we are in 2023 and the GOP policy is based around banning abortion and inducing a swathe of laws to stop 1% of the population from using a restroom or joining in school sports. Still, in a country that thinks teachers should be armed and that assault rifles are a constitutional right, should we be surprised?

 

[Zrosey]

“Yet here we are in 2023 and the GOP policy is based around banning abortion and inducing a swathe of laws to stop 1% of the population from using a restroom or joining in school sports. Still, in a country that thinks teachers should be armed and that assault rifles are a constitutional right, should we be surprised?”

Your last paragraph....omg, this is such a sad reality in the USA. My hope at least in the USA is younger people see that voting and being engaged with their representatives and senators can make a difference.
I’m also cynical enough that I believe some states or parts of this country are not going to change.

 

[Zrosey]

Stuff I have to look forward to....

 

[Zrosey]

You are a lot more optimistic than I am. Some states like Texas and Florida may as well be run by the Taliban. Thanks to gerrymandering, a conservative Republican minority controls most states. Many, maybe most, have given up completely. I used to be proud to be an American but now I hate this country. Thank God I am also Canadian.

I don’t know...perhaps I am a touch more optimistic. And yeah by all appearances and following legislation coming out of places like Texas, Missouri, Florida it does seem like the USA is on the edge, inching closer to The Handmaids Tale.
But I continue to have hope in the younger generation of voters here!

Edit: really maybe more of a fascist hellscape than Handmaids Tale....but again, hopefully neither!

 

[Paradox]

I don’t know...perhaps I am a touch more optimistic. And yeah by all appearances and following legislation coming out of places like Texas, Missouri, Florida it does seem like the USA is on the edge, inching closer to The Handmaids Tale.
But I continue to have hope in the younger generation of voters here!

Edit: really maybe more of a fascist hellscape than Handmaids Tale....but again, hopefully neither!

It isn't just the USA...this crap is happening all over the world. Like you, I have hope in the younger generation of voters but the time is short to put a stop to things like gerrymandering, voter suppression, etc. before it goes so far we can't get it back. Here in the US, we've already let the creeping fundamentalism slip into our culture for forty years. Make sure all your friends vote!

 

[stickygirl]

Here's a great video that popped up. Two trans sportswomen talking to Pernille Harder and Magdalena Eriksson, who are pro soccer players and an out lesbian couple... even though they play for Chelsea
Loved the references to one's brain being pre-occupied with acting a role of the wrong gender, unlocking your potential. Sport should be inclusive and that doesn't mean it becomes 'unfair' by default - that's a myth and a smokescreen peddled by angry, negative people outside the sport.

 

[stickygirl]

I've followed Kristin forever, from when she first posted. We transitioned together. She hasn't posted much in the last few years, which I understand - I'm glad she's getting on with her life.
I'm posting a link to her latest video, because her summary of being trans is so close to my own experience. She describes so well what her life has become and how it is no longer hollow. It takes a lot of courage to put your face on YT, but she's been sensible in how she's edited and presented herself.
I wish some of the political haters and hysterical transphobics would watch this kind of content instead of making up demons and picking on a tiny minority, who do not threaten family values or want to cancel women

 

[stickygirl]

An interesting situation cropped up on the threads. TarnishedPenny posted a thread in HowTo called How to be a Woman, partly in response to someone posting How to be a Man.
I wrote an initial reply, then deleted it - I knew it wasn't good enough, but then someone else hinted I wasn't qualified to reply. I agree.

I've been thinking about the thread all day because, despite my shortcomings in writing a decent post, I wondered if I was indeed qualified to reply. If not, what does it make me? In the pecking order of western society, men are at the top, then women, so does that mean I come in somewhere behind them?

To be blunt, it still feels like trans women are only tolerated at the table, like an unexpected guest given the reheated main course and asked polite but disingenuous questions... "...so where are you from exactly?" Hmm... I suppose I could go into sulk mode and think that, but I don't think it's very constructive. I'm thinking out loud - be privileged to witness my thoughts!

I've posted a fresh post, acknowledging that I am under qualified to reply ( there will be plenty of cis-men will stick their oar in, because of their privilege ). I've added the thought that I could only suggest How to be a Trans Woman. I am proud to be that - I've fucking earned it. People can look up, down or sideways at me, but I know, better than them, what it really means to be trans. I don't need to sit at the table - I brought sandwiches.

 

[Paradox]

I'm not sure what makes someone qualified to speak on any subject. As far as I can see, you only have to have an opinion.

If someone moves to the U.S. from another country and goes through the process of becoming a citizen, I would think them qualified to speak about what it means to be an American. Perhaps, more qualified than many who have grown up here and take it all for granted.

 

[coati]

I am always happy when you post on any topic. I don’t care if you are qualified or not - I just want to hear what you think.

I agree. When Sticky tells her story, it inspires people to celebrate freedom of expression. I know it can be tough road to travel with so many hateful and fearful people in the world, but her underlying sense of joy and dignity is contagious.

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

An interesting situation cropped up on the threads. TarnishedPenny posted a thread in HowTo called How to be a Woman, partly in response to someone posting How to be a Man.
I wrote an initial reply, then deleted it - I knew it wasn't good enough, but then someone else hinted I wasn't qualified to reply. I agree.

I've been thinking about the thread all day because, despite my shortcomings in writing a decent post, I wondered if I was indeed qualified to reply. If not, what does it make me? In the pecking order of western society, men are at the top, then women, so does that mean I come in somewhere behind them?

To be blunt, it still feels like trans women are only tolerated at the table, like an unexpected guest given the reheated main course and asked polite but disingenuous questions... "...so where are you from exactly?" Hmm... I suppose I could go into sulk mode and think that, but I don't think it's very constructive. I'm thinking out loud - be privileged to witness my thoughts!

I've posted a fresh post, acknowledging that I am under qualified to reply ( there will be plenty of cis-men will stick their oar in, because of their privilege ). I've added the thought that I could only suggest How to be a Trans Woman. I am proud to be that - I've fucking earned it. People can look up, down or sideways at me, but I know, better than them, what it really means to be trans. I don't need to sit at the table - I brought sandwiches.

I saw the thread you are discussing, and I had thoughts, starting with the question of another poster, as I don’t even want to try to accurate summarize how to be a woman. I decided not to post, as it was long, not upbeat, and then the Lennon post had enough of the points. Let me preface, I don’t fit in this section of lit. I found this thread because recent and the title made me curious. While I have now read a lot of it, I haven’t read the whole thing. I have no trans experiences. I am just a straight cis woman (ok, maybe not a shining example but eh), who also lives where I live, so probably even more sheltered than most. However, your thread doesn’t seem to exclude questions from those who fall into the typical binary roles, thus I am going for it. I pre apologize if I am really off base.

Anyway, I believe you are a woman, living the woman experience, or at least much of it, as likely much of the world around you view you as a woman, and as such, treat you as a woman. However, as you have at least touched on prior, gender roles, the introduction, instruction, experiences, lessons on femininity, interaction with society, roles in the world, etc, begin as an infant and continue throughout life. So it seems you have the unusual experience of being a woman but not having been a “girl”. As in, the world didn’t view you as a female infant/child so you did not live life being treated as a female child. That experience was actually where I was going to go for the poster who asked about methods of minimizing femininity on the thread you mentioned. Now seeing your thread and this post has me curious enough to ask. The lack of experiencing the world as a female child has had to have had some sort of impact to “being a woman”. My questions are, Do you feel that impact is detrimental or is it in some ways beneficial? How so? Do you wish to have had the full life long female experience instead?

 

[stickygirl]

I find this whole situation silly.

All of this is a ruse anyway. Gender is a ruse. We can't find anything innate across all cisgender women or all cisgender men that decides what makes a man or woman. They all do things differently.

There is the theory of precarious manhood. That perceived threats to some men's masculinity triggers aggressive thoughts and/or behavior. These threats could be as simple as the use of gender-inclusive language, their friend offering them a hug, or the existence of someone who is assumed to be a gay man nearby. There are 5 studies right now that have confirmed higher levels of aggression in men than women in response to these perceived threats.

The theory is that it's because manhood can't be founded in something concrete. It has to be proven socially, via their behavior, and constantly. So that's where you get some of this toxic, fragile behavior.

Pretty sure there are women who behave this way, too. Just say "pregnant person" in front of any cis woman who has ever had a baby biologically before. 50/50 she will get offended.

(If you're confused as to "why person?", that's because there are MEN who can get pregnant. Like MY man.)

Yes and No. Gender, as we've discussed before, is a ruse - a performance to fit in with our culture, but then so is our language to the extent of using the word 'woman'. The original question was asked within that context; I suppose you could compare it to an English Lit question about MacDuff's motives for befriending the Queen in the play MacBeth. A theatre play finishes with the curtain but our daily performance never ends, so yes, it is important unless we could be hermits and isolate ourselves entirely.

I've read other people's thoughts about the social construct we call 'a man'. You could argue that the artificial rituals they perform have grown from the animal world and nature documentaries often do. The males of various bird species have outlandish plumage, the top elephant male will expel the young bull from the herd. Almost comically, the female sits back to watch the antics and roll her eyes, making her choice based on... whatever she feels like. To continue the animal comparison, female meerkat's sneak out for a quickie with a male outcast, but all these behaviours have evolved through natural selection - the fittest survives and behaviour adapts.

So we can easily mock the peacock strutting of men and deride their undeniable fragile egos. If we try to counterbalance with female behaviour, then there is less uniformity. Their strategies more subtle than men's.

However, all this is very entertaining and doesn't answer the question beyond the frivolity of western societal practise. I'd refer to one of the posters in the How to be a Woman, who responded by simply saying, be a good person. What is a good person? Different question

Now I've got to think about answering
JaDWaM

 

[stickygirl]

I saw the thread you are discussing, and I had thoughts, starting with the question of another poster, as I don’t even want to try to accurate summarize how to be a woman. I decided not to post, as it was long, not upbeat, and then the Lennon post had enough of the points. Let me preface, I don’t fit in this section of lit. I found this thread because recent and the title made me curious. While I have now read a lot of it, I haven’t read the whole thing. I have no trans experiences. I am just a straight cis woman (ok, maybe not a shining example but eh), who also lives where I live, so probably even more sheltered than most. However, your thread doesn’t seem to exclude questions from those who fall into the typical binary roles, thus I am going for it. I pre apologize if I am really off base.

You certainly do fit and there's no 'just' about being a cis woman. TY for posting

Anyway, I believe you are a woman, living the woman experience, or at least much of it, as likely much of the world around you view you as a woman, and as such, treat you as a woman. However, as you have at least touched on prior, gender roles, the introduction, instruction, experiences, lessons on femininity, interaction with society, roles in the world, etc, begin as an infant and continue throughout life. So it seems you have the unusual experience of being a woman but not having been a “girl”. As in, the world didn’t view you as a female infant/child so you did not live life being treated as a female child. That experience was actually where I was going to go for the poster who asked about methods of minimizing femininity on the thread you mentioned. Now seeing your thread and this post has me curious enough to ask. The lack of experiencing the world as a female child has had to have had some sort of impact to “being a woman”. My questions are, Do you feel that impact is detrimental or is it in some ways beneficial? How so? Do you wish to have had the full life long female experience instead?

Oh I love a tricky question!
There is an argument for dismissing gender roles in children and adults as frivolous. When a friend of mine was a child, her Dad would encourage her to look under rocks when they were out walking and learn to be fascinated by what she found. Her father was instrumental in shaping her character and these days, while she isn't butch, she far more 'man-ish' than me in her attitudes. I like spending time with her, but not simply because she makes me feel more 'girly' !

I grew up without the presence of a father, but have an elder sister and mother. Sceptics have pointed to lack of paternal guidance as being why children are gay or transgender, which makes as much sense as painting a boy's bedroom blue and a girl's pink. What it did give me was that innate language - in the looks we give each other, in our body language or the rhythm of our speech. If I hadn't seen myself as a girl, I wouldn't have open flowery writing or pull my top off in the way girls do. Instead I would have wanted to distinguish myself from being viewed as a girl and the older I became the more strident those demonstrations would have been, if I were a boy.

So growing up in that stable home environment was super helpful. You've asked about how the world viewed me and I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear it was at times extremely stressful. I heard every muttered comment and well-meant but intrusive neighbourly advice about 'he needs to get out and play rugby' and 'is that a ribbon in your hair young man?' or 'you're going to have thighs like tree-trunks'. wtf?!

When I read the posts in 'How to be a Man' I was reminded of all the 'helpful' advice I and my mother got about just that. People were generous in their hurtful attention.

Instead of having my gender role praised and encouraged, I had to fight for my right to be who I was. With my mother's support and my school's compliance, I was allowed be normal at home and play act being a boy at school. I became painfully aware of gender 'markers' in terms of how society ascribes them. Cis gender girls don't have to police themselves in the way I learned to do.

I was as fucked up as your average self-harming teenager, but the causes behind my distress could be fixed far more easily than say, a kid traumatised by sexual abuse. All they had to do for me, was let me live in my correct gender. We all live unique fucked up childhoods, our characters shaped, but not created, by our environment.

Has that benefitted me? All that self-scrutiny was exhausting and it was a relief post transition to be able to devote more energy to regular activities. I suspect I still am more conscious of gender markers, though as time goes on I've stopped looking for them.

There's always going to be those musings about pregnancy and children. There are plenty of cis women unable to have kids - men too. Those women aren't defined by their lack of children, unless there's a question posed that is relevant.

I consider myself lucky to be transgender, weirdly enough. It doesn't help to harbour what-if's and maybe's. Instead of becoming a biologist, ever fascinated by bugs under stones, I've had to take a longer road to find who I am. I don't look under stones for a living!

I hope I've done your questions justice and thanks for posting

 

[Rob_Royale]

How are you?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I find this whole situation silly.

All of this is a ruse anyway. Gender is a ruse. We can't find anything innate across all cisgender women or all cisgender men that decides what makes a man or woman. They all do things differently.

There is the theory of precarious manhood. That perceived threats to some men's masculinity triggers aggressive thoughts and/or behavior.

I'm not the first person to notice a fascinating paradox there: being "male" is simultaneously immutable biological destiny, and so fragile that wearing the wrong colour or washing one's own ass-crack could threaten it.

 

[stickygirl]

I'm not the first person to notice a fascinating paradox there: being "male" is simultaneously immutable biological destiny, and so fragile that wearing the wrong colour or washing one's own ass-crack could threaten it.

Yet it is a 'thing'. We can mock it but we still have to deal with it not just online but in the street. Learning to tiptoe around those male triggers is yet another female skill, but no more than a 30 minute seminar!