Are you a product of a "broken home?"

[Whispersecret]

My parents got a divorce when I was twelve. It was only recently, in marriage counseling, that I began to realize how deeply the break-up of my family affected me. (Before that, I'd always maintained the mantra I'd been fed...that I was happier because Mom and Dad were happier...that it wasn't that bad...lots of other kids were just like me...I would and did get used to it.)

I have come to believe that the divorce was the single most life-changing event in my life, shaping every relationship I ever had or will have with a man, and how I deal with my family. I'm afraid to be happy in my marriage, because, irrationally, then I'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

I recently bought a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, A 25 Year Landmark Study, by Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee. I bought it so I could perhaps see if the people who participated in the study experienced anything like I did/do. Reading this book is going to be an emotional roller-coaster for me, I can already tell. I haven't gotten through the introduction, and already several times I could feel the emotion sort of shaking just inside my skin.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is, one, because I thought that some of you whose parents divorced might be interested in this book. ALso, one of the reviewers stated that the book would be a good read for anyone who is MARRIED to someone who is a product of divorce, so they can better understand why their spouse acts the way they do.

I'm not really posing a question, or trying to start a discussion about the merits or faults of divorce. I don't want people who have gotten a divorce to feel they have to defend their decision. I'm not accusing them of anything. I just thought I would share this, in case there's anyone else out there who wonders if, or how, their parents' divorce screwed them up.

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, I was wrong. I do have a question.

If your parents got a divorce, how did that affect you? For years I tried to convince myself that there were good things to come of it. When I was younger, I would tout the advantages of having two Christmases. My dad could be counted on to provide the typical weekend spectacular, since he was the one with the money. I lived in a home(s) with no arguing...the trouble was, I could never really remember them arguing.

But I find that analyzing how it affected me negatively and influences my marriage and family life, helps me to understand my own behavior, which sometimes puzzles me. I'm irrational sometimes (not crazy/insane irrational, just act in ways that seem to have no rational reason behind them), and I sure would like to know why.

So, again, how did your parents' divorce affect you?

Or if your parents stayed together, happily or unhappily, do you think you were better or worse off because of that? Do people from homes free of divorce have an advantage in intimate relationships?

 

[Carl East]

My parents divorced, and I can quite happily say it was the best thing to do. You see, they just didn't get on anymore, and when they seperated my father was happier for it. In turn I was happy for him, although his new found happiness wasn't to last for long, because he passed away.

I don't believe their divorce effected me in the slightest, but then I was into my thirties. I really think it all depends on how close one is to each parent, as to wheather it effects you or not. I mean if you loved them both and didn't have a favourite, then it is more likely to effect you.

I realise that we shouldn't have favourites, but I did.

Carl.

 

[Bigdog]

Whisper, I seem to be gravitating to your threads.

My parents divorced when I was twelve, so I'm at the twenty year mark. From the start it was an unconventional situation since they ended up living only a few miles apart. My younger brother and I would alternate nights between their houses, at times I would leave for school from Mom's and go home to Dad's after. Rather strange at times but it worked for the most part. Things were tight at both homes, more so with my Mom. First 3 years my brother and I slept in sleeping bags and kept our things in cardboard boxes. We survived it all and gained an appreciation for making do with what you have.

The bad side of their divorce for me was listening to my Dad put down my Mom for many years. Most of what he said was just spiteful but it created a rift between me and him that exists to this day. We see each other once a year at best.

The good side for me was the addition of my stepfather in my life. He is the polar opposite of my father, very outgoing and charming. My exposure to him had a tempering effect on my attitude, I learned how to talk to people and come out of my negative shell. I also learned a lot of the construction trades which has served me well the last two decades.

Would I have been better off if my parents hadn't divorced? Probably not. They would have divorced 6 months after getting married if they could have afforded to, according to my mother. They only married because of a certain puppy that appeared on the scene. No regrets, though. My brother and I turned out pretty well.

I am curious as to how all this might be affecting my relationship with my wife and stepdaughters. I will have to check out the book Whispersecret mentioned.

 

[Mortto56]

I think I will start from the begining.
I was born in Germany,my blood father was in the service there.He found out my mom was pregnant for me,and when his time was up he came back to the states leaving my mom and I over there.
My mom had wrote him a few times,and dicided to come over here to find him.So she worked a couple of jobs till she saved enough money to come over.So June 22 1958 we came over looking for this man,but never found him.

We came to Michigan,and my mom got a job then she meant another man.
They got married,and we lived in a little farming town.
They got a divorice when I was 10.
My mom tried to make enough money to keep the house,but she couldn't.So when I was 12 we had to move again.I missed the old place,because I had so many friends there,and I really liked playing sports with all the people I knew there.
We had to move into the city to a house that a lady my mom had meant had.Get this,the rent for this place was $20.00 a month.But I remember times when my mom had a hard time making the rent.

When I was 14 she meant another man.I'll have to say I really liked this guy.He was more of a dad to me than any of the other assholes where.The had a very happy marrage,then my mom got cancer and passed away in 1990.
It is to bad that she had such a shitty life for all those years,and then when things started going good for her,she could not enjoy them for long.

So I guess I'll have to say that it has given me a hard look on life.I have been desenceitized on feelings somewhat.But I just try and make myself better everyday,thats all I can do.

 

[Laurel]

My father divorced twice - once when I was too young to remember, and once when I was about 12. I wasn't allowed to see my mom too often - she's mentally ill, and my father wasn't exactly a model of compassion. The second divorce was harder than the first, because I felt much more secure having a mother figure in my life, even if it wasn't my mom. My homelife problems weren't the result of divorce - they were the result of a twisted, alcoholic father. However, having a mom around (assuming she was more stable than my father) would have made a difference.

Divorce made me cynical about marriage - to the point where, until recently, I deemed it antiquated, sexist hooey. Now, for many reasons (not the least of which is that I've found someone I truly and totally love), I've changed my mind on the subject. But for most of my life, I saw marriage as ridiculous and impossible.

 

[Sammyjo]

My parents have been together for a total of 34 years, married for 28 of them. There have always been ups and downs, but more up than down...in my opinion anyway.

I will say openly that by them staying together, it has in no way made my relationships easier. I have been scarred emotionally by so many that when someone does like me, I do anything in my power to dissuade them. I will put myself down until they eventually go away. I need constant reassurances that someone loves me. I always question why anyone would. I seem to always find these incredible jerks. And I can't get myself away from them, I just keep pretending like it's normal.

I don't know why I do this...someone suggested stress between my father and I...no, we get along so well, people would wonder, I'm sure...no, nothing sexual...just that for some reason our personalities are very compatible, unlike the rest of his children, so we hang out a lot. Plus, I don't want to be one of those people that doesn't have anything good to say about her parents...

I can not personally answer the divorce question, but I want to ask something...did your parents speak ill of each other or try to out do each other in any way? If so, this could be where it's coming from...if not, I'm an accountant, not a psychologist...heehee

As some, maybe most of you know, I am raising my daughter alone...that is, without a father...I never speak badly of him in front of her. I have always answered her questions about him honestly and to the best of my ability. She's seen a picture of him...something he never has of her...When he did call and want to see her, she would have nothing to do with it. Why? He was never around. It's funny how she'll willingly go sit on Santa's lap, but she won't meet her father because he's hurt her by not being there for her. Where did she get that from? Not me. I let her form her own opinion. By not being there, he made her have a low opinion of him.

That little story may or may not help you answer your question. I just hope that it doesn't affect her adversely because he wasn't around.

Sammy

 

[Xander]

Yep. I would have to say yes to that question.
My parents got a divorce when I was 9. And it was the beginning of my long and hard road through Orphanage, drugs, hard times, and generally trying to fuck up everything I touched.

It was, in everything, an experience that changed me. But today I'm kinda happy that it happend. It made who I am today, and gave me the strength to survive everything, anyone can throw at me.

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm sorry for your pain. My parents have been married for 45 years. I know they had a few rough spots where they could have broken up. When I was a teen and in my 20's, sometimes my mom would confide in me some details about her life with my dad that I just really didn't want to know. But they made it through the rough times and even my dad's retirement. I think they've taught me that marriage isn't always fun and it is something you need to work hard at to keep alive. That's the good part of what I've learned from them.

I also learned that I never wanted to give up my dreams for myself to be just a wife and mom like my mother did with her life (no offense intended towards those of you who have made that same choice). She has been a great mom, but it is the defining role in her life. She has always been completely dependent on my dad to be the family breadwinner, and takes orders from him because of it, instead of being a full partner in the marriage. Her own intellectual abilities (she was very smart in high school) were never realized to their fullest because she never made it past a few night school classes after high school, she never went to college- she was a child of the 50's and got married instead.

I've probably gone to the extreme opposite in my life just to avoid ending up in the same shoes as my mom. My life is all achievement and career goals with no one in my life who can order me to do anything. I'm independent, but also not a wife or a mother. There was probably a happy medium ground between the extremes of my life on one end and my mom's on the other, but I missed it along the way.

 

[Naked Hunny]

My parents divorced when I was 7. My father is now married to his 4th wife. My mother to her second husband. I was an alcoholic by 12 and a drug addict by 14. I dont know if i can blame that on my parents divorce but I almost always blame it on my parents.
My father and stepfather are both abusive. I used to move from one house to the other from time to time just because for a coupla months i wouldnt get beat but after about 6 months i spent more time black and blue than my pale skin shade!! MY father actually dislocated my shoulder once by grabbing me by my arm and flinging me into a wall!! My fathers second wife was abusive as well she would throw things at my brother and I and lock us out of the house when she was upset with my father!!My fathers third wife and I got along great but she was closer to my age then my fathers!! His current wife and I get along great!! She actually saved my life once when my father had me in a corner and was punching me!! Why because I said I didnt want to eat supper!! Well excuse me for not being hungry!!
My mother is a good woman but relies on her husband just because he can pay the bills!! She seemed to ignore the fact that i was getting beat for no reason whatsoever!! I remember one time when my mother was at a convention in Las Vegas, I was at work and i came home to find all my belongings my bed and all were in the backyard why because I was 18 and it was time I moved out!! He never consulted my mother about me ever moving out, he decided this on his own. When my mother returned two weeks later i met her at home before my stepfather was got home. She asked why i was so pale and skinny!! When i told her because i was broke and her asshole of a husband kicked me out without notice. She started defending him until i called her a bitch!! She went to slap me and i said go ahead im 18 ill call the police!! Not a word was said and she moved my stuff back into my room before my stepfather returned!! She got the beating of her life for that. I decided then i was gonna move out, but before i could i got pregnant with my daughter and they kicked me out well at least they gave me 2 weeks to move out this time!! SO with barely enough money for rent i moved into a small one bedroom apartment, quit college and started working my minimum wage job fulltime. When i went to apply for welfare they actually called my mother and my father and told them to let me move back in. Both said it was impossible which it was there isnt enough room at either home for me and my daughter but i know honestly that they dont want me there!!

Now im at a crossroads im working full time still cant afford to pay my bills and im still in the tiny one bedroom apartment!! ITs getting cramped with both my daughter and I but i make 12 dollars too much a month to get subsidized housing and 30 dollars to much to collect any cash assistance or food stamps!! That and with snickerdoodles father out of the picture completely i need to make decisions!! What if something happens to me? Who do I TRUST to take care of my daughter?? Dont tell my parents but im actually thinking of making my best friend and her fiancee snickerdoodles legal guardians if something would ever happen, god forbid!!

OH my god i rambled sorry!!

EDIT: Im sorry i know theres people who dont really give a shit but my post wasnt intended to be my life story. I just started thinking and started rambling and of course im working on a will right now trying to figure out what will happen to my daughter. ive talked to my best friend a little about this and she knows what my life was like of course she does when i didnt have a place to stay i stayed with her and her family (which was just her mother and grandmother. Her mother worked two fulltime jobs so they could have a place to live. Honestly we took care of each other!!) ok im rambling ok ill go now!!

[Edited by Naked Hunny on 09-13-2000 at 08:05 AM]

 

[Isabella Thorne]

<big hugs Hunny Bunny> ... i never realized you had such a hard life, dear ... i am so sorry you suffered so much ... it is not a life i would wish on anyone ...

one thing you have going for you though, luv, is your youth ... you have a lifetime ahead of you to make things right for you and your daughter ... and i am certain you will do just that.
____________________
At the age of 37
she realized she'd never ride
through Paris in a sports car
with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing
as she sat there, softly singing
little nursery rhymes she'd memorized
in her daddy's easy chair.
~Marianne Faithfull~

 

[KillerMuffin]

I come from whats beginning to seem like the traditional home. Abusive alcoholic father, manipulative codependant psychopathic mother. When my brother was born, I lost my mother. I really no longer existed to her, there were times that I recall going days without saying a word to anyone. I had my little fantasy life and I enjoyed it.

I do not remember very much about my father, nor do I care to. He most likely won't remember anything anyway. He has been suffering alcoholic blackouts for most of my life. I do remember that when he and mom divorced when I was 12, it was a stupendous relief to me. They no longer lived together, they no longer mentally abused each other. They jsut used me and my brother as conduits for subtle insults. You know how that goes.

This has affected my marriage, and its very obvious how it has. I am lucky to have my StudMuffin, he understands that I do the things that I do because of the way I grew up. I don't push him away emotionally because of anything he did, but simply because I am scared witless inside and don't know how else to cope.

Someday, I imagine that whatever it was my father did to me that I cannot recall will come back, if there ever was anything but whispered rumors from my mother. I dread the day it happens. I cannot keep secrets from my StudMuffin, and this is one secret that I have to keep from him. He just isn't equipped to handle it.

My father is now sober, has been for several years now. Soon, I'll see him face to face for the first time in 9 years. My brother and I actually have an amicable relationship, I'm surprised considering I actively tried to get rid of him as a child. My mother hasn't changed a bit.

Yes, I am in therapy.

[Edited by KillerMuffin on 09-13-2000 at 12:03 PM]

 

[CreamyLady]

My home wasn't "broken," in the sense that my parents never divorced.

However, what with my dad's rage and control issues, and my mother's drinking and passivity in the face of it, and the way it all crashed down on the kids -- shit. A divorce would have been a relief!

Living in that hellhole scarred me more than living with my mom alone would, and I wish, oh I WISH, she'd gone ahead and done it.

 

[Patryn]

I'd love to answer, but I remember what happened the last time I posted about my personal life.

 

[Cheri]

Sorry to kidnap your thread Whisper

Ms. Muff you are very brave and strong to be able to live the life you are living right now. To allow a man to love you and love him in return after you've been hurt so, shows how your strength. You have my admiration and respect.

Miss Hunny, please whatever you do, try to go back to school. Education is the key to getting ahead in life. Even a two year degree in a specific field will improve life for you and your daughter. I know where I live, there are numerous state colleges that are very generous with grants money to single mothers. Let me know if there's anyway I can help.

 

[R Nitelight]

My parents have been happily married for 57 years and counting. I have no one to blame but myself.

 

[CW]

Yes I am also,,,

My parents divorced when I was nineteen. By that time I was out of the house and in college in Florida. But there were still eight other siblings younger than me ( I am the oldest) at home. I remember at the time thinking that it was about time they split up,,, and a certain sense of relief accompanying that thought. The tension in our house was more often than not thick enough to cut with a knife,,, and us kids spent a very large amount of time elsewhere rather than being in that house. And the beatings,,, oh lord the beatings that were doled out were awesome to behold, for the least little thing it seems, especially if you were on the receiving end of one of them,,, which, as the oldest,,, and "You should know better than to allow this to happen" I would often get a beating every time one of the younger ones did. Mom was the beater, so there wasn't any of this wait until your father gets home crap,,, cause if she did that, more often than not dad would simply ground us for a week or two, or add a few chores to our list. And mom would feel unfulfilled I guess.

After the divorce, dad basically disappeared from our lives,,, he paid his child support,,, period. No contact, no cards, no visits were allowed to his place, no nothing. That was his way of dealing with life I suppose,,, mom's way was to bad mouth him at any and every chance she could find,,, still does. Not until ten years after the divorce and I was married with a child of my own did dad begin to filter back into my life. And not until nine more years had passed did I see him or talk to him on any kind of regular basis. Dad died four years ago,,, and after the funeral some of the kids were talking,,, it turns out that I was the only one that he kept in "close" touch with the last several years of his life,,, I never realized that, at all.

Mom was and still is a control freak,,, it's her way or no way,,, and 'no way' is not an option most of the time. Dad was very laid back and tried to appease and please as much as possible,,, then one day he'd have had enough and the shit would hit the fan,,, cups of coffee would be flying at the walls,,, shouts loud enough to wake the dead,,, never no fists on his part though,,, and then the drinking would set in for several days,,, followed by a week or so where they would fall into bed for sex at the drop of a hat. Each parent would pledge to the other and us kids that this wouldn't ever happen again,,, bullshit !!! Dad told me once, much later in his life, that after the first four kids were born, each of the five there after were conceived as a result of a drinking binge they went on.

I have now been married and divorced as well and have two grown children of my own. Every relationship that I have ever had has ended when the woman began over controlling ( or I perceived that she was ),,, and yes, it seemed that I sought out controlling personality women to have a relationship with,,, used to that is,,, therapy helped a lot in that regard. The woman that I am with now, has two young kids of her own, and she is the product of a similar family background. We've been together for three years and we are doing super,,, simply because we each do not want to repeat mistakes of the past. Both of my kids are on their own and still single, and I have talked with them at length all through their lives of the mistakes that I have made in my life and how I grew up.

Whippings ( defined as with a bat, belt, switch ) in my house are non existent,,, have always been that way,,, a spanking ( defined as with an open hand on a clothed bottom ) will be doled out infrequently for a major breakage of the house rules,,, like running into the street without looking,,, or stealing,,, and never on the first offense. Generally, punishments tend to be groundings or loss of privileges. Alcohol is NOT EVER present in my house, not even by guests,,, I had one hell of a drinking problem while I was in service,,, but none since, nor do I care to have the potential for one.

So I have to say, that, yea, I have some baggage,,, mostly from the life style that existed prior to the divorce though.

Since there are so many of us kids, I'll offer a break down of how they are doing,,,

Two seem to be mostly problem/baggage free though both are married to dominate
spouses and hesitant to talk about their married lives
One disappears for years at a time, reappears for a month or so and then is gone
again, she has a lot of anger towards mom and dad and me ( I was supposed to be
the protector ya see )
One seems to stay pregnant and flies in and out of relationships and has yet to marry
One is in jail for drugs, alcohol, grand theft auto, and assaulting a cop
One is a child abuser and on parole
One has been married and divorced six times in nine years, and refuses to consider having
kids
One is a police officer and a freaking hero to boot, but berates his kids and wife
endlessly
And me,,, well I do the best that I can not to repeat the mistakes of my childhood, and
I only see mom at funerals and such

I'll add this a postscript, I am sorry that this was so long,,, but the thread seems to require that length of a reply. And finally, I 'll add this as well,,, after reading some of the other replys here, I feel like my life has been a cake walk so far,,, with one exception that I will not open up just yet.

 

[teresafannin]

My parents have each been married 3 times, I have been married twice & each of my siblings has been married twice. I don't blame my parents, because they couldn't make their first marriage work, but I do think it affected all of the kids. I didn't marry my son's birth father, I knew he wouldn't stay & JM was worth 20 of his so called dad. I think part of the reason my family has had so many divorces is that it is so easy to divorce. When we lookied into my ex adopting my son, it was going to cost several thousand dollars, an uncontested divorce is about 200. I was appalled that it is cheaper to break a family than make one. I am now engaged to a wonderful man & hope to marry next year, but am taking it very slow. We aren't even living together full time.

To Naked Hunny, hang in there & do check on programs at local colleges. I was a single mom for a long time & always made just a bit too much to receive any kind of help, but I wouldn't stay home & collect more. My sister was JM's guardian if anything would have happened to me. It is a very good idea to have someone you trust who will take care of your daughter in case of an emergency. Good luck, know that I am thinking of you & wishing you well.

 

[Always]

um... does absolutely hating your parents signal a broken home?

i grew up with three parents... my dad, my mom, and my mom's first husband. the step moved out three years ago and my real parents can't go a day without pissing me off so bad i want to kill them.

i think i would prefer the kind of life where i had only one parent who didn't ever see me and let me do stuff and gave me a few dollars if i needed it. weird, huh?

 

[Skibum]

I'm not from a broken home, but we were always broke. I sometimes wonder if the adversity of poverty can act as a glue to bind families together more strongly than a family with less to deal with.

 

[Whispersecret]

Well, don't I feel like the pitiful little whiner? I'm almost embarrassed to say that no one in my family had problems with substance abuse, no one ever beat me harder than a spank, my parents are sane, and we never had money problems.

I appreciate all the personal responses. Some of you have really lived through some heavy shit--much heavier than I did. I don't suppose that this book I mentioned is really going to help the people who dealt with physical abuse, alcoholism, mental instability, or any of that other really HUGE stuff.

There is no doubt that the heavy issues deeply affect the children. What I wanted to bring up was that the general feeling in our society now is that divorce is something that is really better for the kids and that they get over it. But, for me, and apparently a lot of people, that's not true. The effects remain with you forever and you have to fight them in order to be happy.

Carl, age of the child when the divorce goes through makes a huge difference. My mother was concentrating on getting a job and coping with HER life. Understandably she didn't have time to deal with an adolescent in the way she would have if she didn't have single-parenthood and her emotional upset to deal with. YOu were an adult and didn't really depend on your parents for anything. You were lucky in that regard.

SOrry...I have more to say, but I have to give up the computer to my husband tonight. I'll see everyone tomorrow.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

School Daze

Miss Hunny, please whatever you do, try to go back to school. Education is the key to getting ahead in life. Even a two year degree in a specific field will improve life for you and your daughter. I know where I live, there are numerous state colleges that are very generous with grants money to single mothers. Let me know if there's anyway I can help.

That is excellent advice Cheri ... please listen to her Hunny Bunny ... i know it is hard to pick yourself up and start back at school .. but really that is an extremely positive step in the right direction .. you can do it, girl!

<big hugs Buffy> I am glad you have your StudMuffin by your side now ...

you a whiner, Whisper? never darling!
________________
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
But I do know 1 + 1 is 2
and I know that if you love me too
what a wonderful world this would be!
~Sam Cooke~

[Edited by Isabella Thorne on 09-14-2000 at 05:50 AM]

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

My Story...

My mother remarried when my brother, sister and I were quite young. I believe, two, three and four years of age.

Her reason has always been, we were too young. Lets not forget the fact that her husband got another woman pregnant during their marriage. So, I guess adultry would play a big part in their breakup.

How has this affected me? Hmmm, To this day, I do know my real father. He has chosen not to be apart of our lives. I am angered by this, and I feel abandoned by him. Apparently, I saw him when I was around ten, but this I do not remember. He has been to the home where we grew up and my mom and step-dad still reside there. He knows where our roots are, but has chosen to remain non-existent in our lives. Even though, I am angry regarding his abstinence, I would love to know him. I feel that he did not want to interfere with my moms new marriage and our lives. We all make mistakes, and I am willing to forgive him, but I wonder if I will ever get that chance. At fourty-one years, I still want to meet him as much as ever, but I have no clue how to find him. Hell, he would be in his sixties, so I am not even sure if he is alive. I fear, after all this time, my wishes will go unheeded.

Anywho, about my step-dad and mom. Life was not the easiest growing up for me and my siblings. My step-dad and mom had two more kids, a brother and sister for me, whom I love dearly. I do not even think of them as half, not ever. But growing up, I always felt that my step-dad was more patient with them. I suppose all step-children feel this. Also, I was afraid of his temper. He worked out of town, only coming home on weekends and my mom would always say, "Just wait until your father gets home!" MY, my, how many ppl on here, have heard those very words. So, of course, he would dole out the punishment for our misbehaviour. He never beat us, just spankings really, and a good kick in the ass if warrented. Sometimes we would get our face slapped if he thought we were sassing back. That was enough...

I have to say, I was afraid of him for a time, but now, I love him to bits. I would not trade him for the world. He has mellowed out over the years, and he truly loves us as his own. He loves our kids just as much as he does his blood grandchildren too. My girls were the first born, and he could not love them more. Even though, times were abit tough, he took on a marriage with three children and I have to commend him for that. My mother was left on welfare, because my real father wasn't there for her in anyway. My step-dad was.

On a sad note, many of you, read my abuse thread, regarding me being abused by my step-grandfather. So, therefore, my life was effected in a big way by this new marriage. It is not the fault of my parents, because I chose to remain quiet and kept this horror to myself. But, for a few years of my life, I lived in fear and turned into a very angry child. To this day, I still have to work on my anger issues and all the other quirks that an abuse/adult survivor has to cope with. Somedays I do ok, and others, I am a mess. Recently, I have started taking Paxil, which has taken a postive effect on me. I am much more calm and seem to be able to curb my anger much better. I only hope, they continue to help me in a good way. It is sad, that I have to take meds to diminish my anxieties, but if it helps, so be it. So, there you have it, my story. Sorry, I rambled, but, I guess I had alot to say.

Hugs KitKat



[Edited by Katerina on 09-14-2000 at 05:07 AM]

 

[CW]

best for the kids??

Whisper,,,

I'm not sure just who it is that comes up those notions, that often seem to climb into common wisdom status, of just what is best for kids,,, I'm sure that they have a slew of letters tagged onto their names and all,,, but I have my doubts that they have much experience in the real life situations that they spout on and on about. I'm reasonably sure that they will have some books to live by and a series of clinicial interviews. Or, mayhap it is their personal experience that leads them to believe as they do. But hey,,, when they generalize, they have a 50/50 chance of being correct,,, just like I do.

Really though,,, in some cases I suppose that divorce is better for the kids, and I'm sure that most everyone can think of a few situations where that is correct, I know that I can,,, but,,, so far as the replies here go, the impact of divorce being a better situation is the exception, not the rule as the common wisdom would have us believe.

And no, I can't see that you are a whinner,,, little or otherwise,,, just because your situation wasn't as severe or harsh as some other does not lessen the impact that it had/has on you.

Excellent thread by the way.

 

[Juliangel]

My parents divorced when I was 3, they had been married 13 years and my father was physically abusive to my siblings. That was almost 27 years ago so I have pasted that mark but I think it effected my differently than most.
I have no recollection of what it was like to have a father growing up so I never knew I was missing anything. Although if I could have grown up with my dad in the house I may have been black and blue a lot but those "friends" that were so willing to help my mom with her kids would have been in our house to rape my sister and myself throughout our childhoods and I would have been happier.