Anyone out there who is into BDSM but your partner/spouse is NOT?

[LadyTY]

Wow did I fall on the 'thread of a lifetime'...

I have been battling this very same dilemna for months now. I recently rocked my marriage boat by trying to live out my 'darker half' online, big no-no. lol I would love to hear your thoughts on cyber sex, cyber affairs, Cyber BDSM relationships, anything to do with cyber for that matter....

 

[VampBytch]

I don't know if it's been discussed in the thread yet, since I've only skimmed responses...but maybe my situation is not all that common.

I'm married and my hubby is not really into any of that either. He will, on occasion, tie me up or spank me, but that is about it, he's not much of a Dom and I'm more Domme than submissive and he isn't submissive in the least.

However, we have a semi-open relationship which works well. I like other women, he likes to watch/play along.

He's a voyeur and sometimes likes to watch me with a sub. But he lets me have my subs away from him as well so that I can have what I need. It's an open, trusting relationship, both of us secure in the fact we will not be leaving one another for anyone we may meet along the way.

Perhaps that is a subject to bring up?

 

[O'Mac]

As a note, as far as I can tell with TheCleaningLady, he/she just seems to perform random searches on the site here and trolls for controversy.

I don't think her posts are legitimate.

 

[neonflux]

~ bump

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, I'm into BDSM and no my partner isn't into it that much.

*turns corruption knob up a bit and waits*

Fury

 

[firefly03k64]

*Big sigh*

Right there with ya honey. I have talked with him about it. He has read my stories ..... I guess I should feel lucky that he tries. On the other hand, I know he's trying and the whole point of the thing is lost. See... I know he's doing it(trying to be dom) to try and please me,when I want to be the one doing the pleasing to my Daddy. It's sweet of him to try but, it's not the same as someone who is naturally dominating

 

[FurryFury]

*Big sigh*

Right there with ya honey. I have talked with him about it. He has read my stories ..... I guess I should feel lucky that he tries. On the other hand, I know he's trying and the whole point of the thing is lost. See... I know he's doing it(trying to be dom) to try and please me,when I want to be the one doing the pleasing to my Daddy. It's sweet of him to try but, it's not the same as someone who is naturally dominating

I know what you mean. It can be very frustrating. Still, I'll take what I can get. I feel very lucky that my husband will try things and wants to please me as I want to please him.

Fury

 

[nymphee]

In all seriousness, give 'em Culture Shock to read. Before he read it milord didn't have a nice word to say about BDSM types and would rant about how he thought they were weird, and twisted and sick and blah blah blah. About and hour after reading the first few pages he told me he found it 'intresting' and a week later he said he wanted to be my Dom. I honestly never thought it would happen, but had set myself up for a life time of fantasies and feeling guilty about it.

 

[FurryFury]

If there were a perfect story or article to read that would get my husband totally into this that would be great except he doesn't want to read about it. He doesn't even care to read the things I write most of the time.

He did like a little girl/girl cyber I co wrote once but he is not into reading about sex or BDSM in general.

*L*

Fury

 

[mickyp123]

Yes, I'm into BDSM and no my partner isn't into it that much.

*turns corruption knob up a bit and waits*

Fury

LOL

 

[neonflux]

Advice, thoughts, help sought...

How does one reach an accomodation when one's partner just isn't into BDSM? With her/him? With one's own feelings and desires?

My primary is not into BDSM. There have been elements of D/s in some of our sex, although I think that feeling real power scares him. I also know that there is nothing in him that connects to the S/m part of this at all, and I would never ask him to try it because I sense in my gut that this is so much against his nature. He doesn't judge and is willing to learn about it, if only to understand me better. This past weekend he prompted what became a very long discussion about our darker sides.

He treasures that I'm bi (not in a w-w-m kind of way) and encourages my search for a woman lover. He now assumes that she will be kinky. He also knows that I currently have a (male) kink partner, the friend I started seeing when he (my primary) broke up with me to go back to his ex for several months. (All 3 of us assume that I will give up this relationship should I ever fall in love with a woman.)

Clearly, he is a generous and beautiful man and I am very, very lucky. I am not complaining. The difficulty for me is that because I love him, because I so value our sexual relationship, because I want to share all of me with him, I crave having the intensity that O get from S/m play - and I don't want it with anyone. I want to share this with him specifically...

I find myself doing teeny things when we have sex that I'm not proud of after - like forcing his hands over his head when we fuck and I am on top or having him grab and hold my wrists when he is fucking me from behind. We do talk about it after, but I feel guilty about the fact that I introduce it without first discussing it...

I am afraid that as much as I love him, at some point 95% vanilla won't be enough anymore as much as I wish it would be. And so I don't know how to approach this, what to do, how to accomodate myself to it...

with gratitude
xo
Neon

P.S., nymphee, I will definitely take a look at the book "Culture Shock." Read in the early part of this thread that "When Someone You Know is Kinky" is also good.

P.P.S., Fury, was surprised at your post, as it seems that your marriage is so solid... How do you find accomodation?

 

[neonflux]

Just hoping this doesn't get lost in the shuffle...

 

[FurryFury]

How does one reach an accomodation when one's partner just isn't into BDSM? With her/him? With one's own feelings and desires?

My primary is not into BDSM. There have been elements of D/s in some of our sex, although I think that feeling real power scares him. I also know that there is nothing in him that connects to the S/m part of this at all, and I would never ask him to try it because I sense in my gut that this is so much against his nature. He doesn't judge and is willing to learn about it, if only to understand me better. This past weekend he prompted what became a very long discussion about our darker sides.

He treasures that I'm bi (not in a w-w-m kind of way) and encourages my search for a woman lover. He now assumes that she will be kinky. He also knows that I currently have a (male) kink partner, the friend I started seeing when he (my primary) broke up with me to go back to his ex for several months. (All 3 of us assume that I will give up this relationship should I ever fall in love with a woman.)

Clearly, he is a generous and beautiful man and I am very, very lucky. I am not complaining. The difficulty for me is that because I love him, because I so value our sexual relationship, because I want to share all of me with him, I crave having the intensity that O get from S/m play - and I don't want it with anyone. I want to share this with him specifically...

I find myself doing teeny things when we have sex that I'm not proud of after - like forcing his hands over his head when we fuck and I am on top or having him grab and hold my wrists when he is fucking me from behind. We do talk about it after, but I feel guilty about the fact that I introduce it without first discussing it...

I am afraid that as much as I love him, at some point 95% vanilla won't be enough anymore as much as I wish it would be. And so I don't know how to approach this, what to do, how to accomodate myself to it...

with gratitude
xo
Neon

P.S., nymphee, I will definitely take a look at the book "Culture Shock." Read in the early part of this thread that "When Someone You Know is Kinky" is also good.

P.P.S., Fury, was surprised at your post, as it seems that your marriage is so solid... How do you find accomodation?

Neonflux,

It sounds like you have someone who can love you in a rare unselfish way. That to me is a wonderful gift.

To answer your question, my marriage is solid. However though he may be somewhat kinky, something he did not think he was at the start of my conscious journey on this path, he is not really into BDSM or D/s.

He, like your partner is able to love me without trying to control or own me. I find that absolutely astounding. He is willing to at least try things, thank goodness.

Often the first time we try it, he "hates" it, which, destroys my spirit and diminishes my hopes quite a bit at the time. This often occurs after I've gotten a high off of trying something you see. After a while he might, if nurtured well, become more comfortable with a particular activity. He might discover it doesn't hurt me but pleasures me. He might discover he is not betraying me as his emotions and logic often lead him to believe but doing exactly what I desire. Or he might decide he continues to hate that activity.

I have found that trading one fantasy that he'd actually like to make happen for one of mine works fairly well. We trade off topping from time to time in these things. I've written a great deal about all this here in several threads including but not limited to these:

The Topping From the Bottom Poll

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=399290

Priceless

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=398358

I was too tired last night...

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=386399

So has anyone tried "figging?"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=350814

Temperature Play!?!

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=357866

It's not perfect but because we love, like and respect one another, we make it work as well as we can. I like you, do things when we are together, such as putting my hands above my head or not opening up so he will make me and my God the things I'm thinking. I used to believe he would be appalled by them but now I've opened up and found it's nasty but hot for most.

I try to never push him. In the beginning that was partly because I was afraid of what I was interested in and didn't know how I would react to it in RL. I thought I might love some of these things but I also worried I would flip out and attack him. I've been very honest with him about what I do and don't know about myself. Now it's because I know we have to go slow even though I sometimes feel I'm personally running out of time and have wasted years!

I try to always praise him. It's so easy to say what you didn't like and forget to say what you did with the people we are close to. The praise must be specific and honest to be helpful IMO. I find that it's sometimes hard to talk with him about these things looking in his eyes, so car trips can open up lines of communications and even e-mails.

Adding in an online Dom for me, which helps me feel some of the D/s I crave, and attending a local group helps me too. I have done a lot of researching, reading, role playing and writing to learn what I am and what I want.

For his part, he is getting sex of far more frequency and variety than ever before. I'm much more open in body, mind, spirit and communication than ever before as well. This allows him to let out his secret desires and us to act on them. I feel our communication and trust levels are much better and higher. I feel much more secure in our relationship although prior to this exploration I would have said nothing was wrong with our marriage or sex life. It's just better and deeper now IMO. He has always been disgustingly secure in our relationship and remains so. He doesn't think it's changed as much as I have. I know I'm easier to live with now that I'm more comfortable and accepting of myself. This was made possible only because he has allowed me to explore as I will with his blessings.

Lately he has been more comfortable taking the role that I would prefer him to but he will likely never be a Dom. (I'd be damned surprised if that happened. LOL.) In the best of all possible worlds he would feel that he was a Dom and we would have the sort of D/s I long for together, but that is not going to happen. I have accepted that and am grateful for what I can and do have.

If you have other specific questions I'll be happy to answer them.

Fury

 

[neonflux]

Thank you, Fury.

Fury, thank you so much for answering, and for doing it with so much thought. You cannot imagine how much I treasure what you wrote.

It sounds like you have someone who can love you in a rare unselfish way. That to me is a wonderful gift.

To answer your question, my marriage is solid. However though he may be somewhat kinky, something he did not think he was at the start of my conscious journey on this path, he is not really into BDSM or D/s.

He, like your partner is able to love me without trying to control or own me. I find that absolutely astounding. He is willing to at least try things, thank goodness.

You are so right – to find someone who loves you unconditionally and who wants you to be happy is a very, very rare gift. I am grateful for it and don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it or to give him back less than he deserves. We have both been much hurt in our relationships and I want very badly never to add to his hurt or to repeat patterns.

Often the first time we try it, he "hates" it, which, destroys my spirit and diminishes my hopes quite a bit at the time. This often occurs after I've gotten a high off of trying something you see. After a while he might, if nurtured well, become more comfortable with a particular activity. He might discover it doesn't hurt me but pleasures me. He might discover he is not betraying me as his emotions and logic often lead him to believe but doing exactly what I desire. Or he might decide he continues to hate that activity.

When you try something, how do you bring it up? Are you ever concerned that he might feel as though he has to do something? In the past my primary has not been able to say “no” easily, so I am afraid of making him feel pressured. When you say you nurture him, how?

I have found that trading one fantasy that he'd actually like to make happen for one of mine works fairly well. We trade off topping from time to time in these things. I've written a great deal about all this here in several threads including but not limited to these:

The Topping From the Bottom Poll

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=399290

Priceless

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=398358

I was too tired last night...

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=386399

So has anyone tried "figging?"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=350814

Temperature Play!?!

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=357866

I will have to check these out when I have time – I think that I will start with the temperature play (although I have no idea what figging is so will perhaps start there.

It's not perfect but because we love, like and respect one another, we make it work as well as we can. I like you, do things when we are together, such as putting my hands above my head or not opening up so he will make me and my God the things I'm thinking. I used to believe he would be appalled by them but now I've opened up and found it's nasty but hot for most.

I think this gives me hope – he definitely got a rush from my pushing him to hold my hands behind my back, but he’s been afraid to try it again since then – I think because he is afraid of what he felt, but while we discussed our initial feelings, haven’t asked him about it since – we don’t live together so find ourselves always trying to “pack” too much into our time…

I try to never push him. In the beginning that was partly because I was afraid of what I was interested in and didn't know how I would react to it in RL. I thought I might love some of these things but I also worried I would flip out and attack him. I've been very honest with him about what I do and don't know about myself. Now it's because I know we have to go slow even though I sometimes feel I'm personally running out of time and have wasted years!

I try to always praise him. It's so easy to say what you didn't like and forget to say what you did with the people we are close to. The praise must be specific and honest to be helpful IMO. I find that it's sometimes hard to talk with him about these things looking in his eyes, so car trips can open up lines of communications and even e-mails.

My biggest fear is not my reaction, but his. Like I said, he is coming out of a period of hurt and is a little “gun shy.” Also, I haven’t gotten to the point where I completely trust him yet after he left me to go back to his ex for a time. Since we got back together, he’s been more open to me than he ever was before, but I still feel as though it’s so tenuous for both of us. I guess I am wondering how you dealt with your own fears… Our communication is generally very open (until now has been extremely open about sex) but sometimes I still feel skittish.

For his part, he is getting sex of far more frequency and variety than ever before. I'm much more open in body, mind, spirit and communication than ever before as well. This allows him to let out his secret desires and us to act on them. I feel our communication and trust levels are much better and higher. I feel much more secure in our relationship although prior to this exploration I would have said nothing was wrong with our marriage or sex life. It's just better and deeper now IMO. He has always been disgustingly secure in our relationships and remains so. He doesn't think it's changed as much as I have. I know I'm easier to live with not that I'm more comfortable and accepting of myself. This was made possibly only because he has allowed me to explore as I will with his blessings.

All of this makes me so happy for you! It’s interesting – I got involved in BDSM really deeply only during the time we were broken up. Before, the sex we had together was the most intense I’ve ever experienced. Even now, just being around him makes me tingle with attraction pretty much the whole time we’re together. But when we actually get down to sex, I find myself enjoying it less most of the time now – some of it has to do with my still not trusting him completely so wanting to maintain some separation, but I also think a lot of it has to do with having desires that I am afraid to explore with him. And also not wanting to hurt him emotionally or push him into anything. Does that make sense? Is this at all comparable to how you felt in the “early days” and if so, how long have you now been exploring BDSM and how long did it take to beome more comfortable…

Lately he has been more comfortable taking the role that I would prefer him to but he will likely never be a Dom. (I'd be damned surprised if that happened. LOL.) In the best of all possible worlds he would feel that he was a Dom and we would have the sort of D/s I long for together, but that is not going to happen. I have accepted that and am grateful for what I can and do have.

This makes me want to cry a little and at the same time gives me those warm fuzzies. Even though it is clear you have made accommodations, I am impressed by your relationship together and the strength it has to allow you to have explored as much as you have with him.

If you have other specific questions I'll be happy to answer them.

LOL, I think the request on my end is, please let me know if my questions become too much!

Thank you again for your friendship

Neon

 

[SirFace]

This all sounds so familiar. I can only imagine the torment Crazy went through for so long. And I am so grateful we were able to work it out and I took to it like a duck to water. I dont really have any advice to give. I remember being petrified that I wouldnt enjoy this and would loose her. I also would have done anything to please her. I figured if it was something that I didnt like/enjoy/get tuned on by, it would show by poor or non existant erections (hard to fool that at this age). As it turns out, the opposite proved true and off I went. Now, I cant imagine having a pure vanilla relationship ever again and hopefully I will never have to find out. I do remember the emotions running in a thousand different directions everytime we tried something new (to me anyway). Talk about your performance anxiety. "Am I doing this right? am I hurting her, oh wait, Im supposed to be hurting her, too much? not enough? hows this making me feel?" Actually, "hows this making me feel" was the easiest part since it was such a huge turn on to me. I do feel very lucky that I found out about this part of me at such a late time in my life. Just goes to prove you can teach an old dog new tricks.

 

[sexychik69]

Lately he has been more comfortable taking the role that I would prefer him to but he will likely never be a Dom. (I'd be damned surprised if that happened. LOL.) In the best of all possible worlds he would feel that he was a Dom and we would have the sort of D/s I long for together, but that is not going to happen. I have accepted that and am grateful for what I can and do have.

I know this wasn't directed towards me but I wanted to say something about this because this sounds sort of like my S/O and I.

My story... basically... him and I met here on Lit two years ago, I'm not sure how it developed really (I don't remember completely), but he was an online Dom to me on/off for a few months (let me say now that this is a long-distance relationship). I REALLY enjoyed it, he did as well, but not as much as me. Our sessions became fewer and far between, and I eventually told him that we shouldn't try to do this, I was used to getting that sort of attention on a weekly basis minimum and when I wasn't getting it anymore, I got frustrated, so I just suggested (perhaps too firmly) that we just quit altogether.

A year or so went by with not much of anything in that realm, then we stumbled into it again, except this time on the phone and WOW it was like the year that I suffered from no Domination didn't even happen and I was back in sub heaven! However, that faded, too, to what it is now, which is if he feels like he ows me a special night because of a favor I did to him or what have you. It's always really intense and really nice, but only happens once every three - six months.

How do I deal with it? Thankfully, as a young sub (and curious switch), I haven't had much r/l experience to make me desire it with a flame that you couldn't put out with the entire ocean, but I still crave it daily. He doesn't know and I'm not sure if he would understand; I've told him before that I need it as a full-time thing, or at least a steady part time (3 days a week MINIMUM), but he said he can't give that to me. Perhaps it's because he's not emotionally ready for it, but I doubt he ever will be, he's nearing his 30's and by now most people have figured out whether they want to be a Dom/sub or neither, and he hasn't.

Sometimes it kills me, but other times I just have to numb the cravings and push them back down, trying to imagine him Dominating me as we play on the phone, using his powerful figure in my fantasies only. He was such a good Dom the time that he was, but I know he wasn't doing it for himself, so I can't ask him to do it again. Hopefully one day he'll let me venture out (again, as I've done it before) and find a playmate that will fulfill my desires. Till then I'm waiting for that day.

 

[FurryFury]

Fury, thank you so much for answering, and for doing it with so much thought. You cannot imagine how much I treasure what you wrote.

It's my pleasure, I'm glad you find my thoughts and experiences at least somewhat useful.

You are so right – to find someone who loves you unconditionally and who wants you to be happy is a very, very rare gift. I am grateful for it and don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it or to give him back less than he deserves. We have both been much hurt in our relationships and I want very badly never to add to his hurt or to repeat patterns.

When you try something, how do you bring it up? Are you ever concerned that he might feel as though he has to do something? In the past my primary has not been able to say “no” easily, so I am afraid of making him feel pressured. When you say you nurture him, how?

I bring things up many ways. In the beginning I might mention what had been really turning me on in cyber in such a wild way, that it blew my mind, perhaps while we were on a walk. Or I might send him a link to say, the chain trick. I might sit with him looking at a toy web site to see what turned him on or what turned me on and which things we both were into. This was just fun stuff to do together usually just before sex.

Often when we get "adult" time he asks me if I "have any ideas." For most of our years together the answer was no, I just wanted to fuck. When I began to explore the answer was often yes. I think that thrilled him at first.

Of course the next thing to determine was who was going to receive and who was going to give, sometimes it was both of us doing both before we were done. I was shocked that he got almost physically sick taking nude shots of me or hated using hot water and paint brushes on me. I could never predict him. I was surprised he wanted to be ass fucked, dressed as a woman and made up as well.

I've always told him and shown him that it's okay if he doesn't want to do something. To be honest, in order to survive my childhood I have become something of an unconscious expert at dealing with people. There are subtle ways to say things and show things that I usually don't even think about so that they feel secure, comfortable and accepted. It's hard to explain how I do some of these things. It's sort of like teaching my daughter to drive when I've been driving so long much of what I do on an ongoing and automatic basis while driving I don't even consciously think about, you know?

I have never wanted him to do what he doesn't want to. However it has happened more than once that he freaked out about something as mentioned above. What sometimes comforts me is that I know I don't want him to do that which he really doesn't want to. I know I've made that clear to him in every way I have to do so.

On the other hand I will do things for him because I want to please him. These things are sometimes things that I don't really want to do except for him.. Therefore if he decides to say yes because he wants to please me, even though he knows I don't expect or particularly want him doing something he doesn't want to do, then that is on him, not me. Sure it will still bug me but having someone love me enough to do for me isn't the worst thing in the world, ya know?

As long as you take the time, when the time is right to go over the scenes, as long as you both work at it and are honest, you can keep the communication healthy and not resentful. I try not to lose heart when he hates something because I have found that he is very hidebound at first but later can relax into things if I give him the time. When I see him actively doing something with absolutely no expectation or prompting from me, only because he wants to it makes me very happy. Had I given up early or gotten angry at his first, protestations of, I don't get this or I hate spanking, it would have never happened. It was with my acceptance, of his concerns and dislikes (and vice versa) and continuing communication from us both that we were able to get to this point.

But let me reiterate here, I never once asked him to spank me. I merely told him how hot it got me in cyber. I told him how curious I was about it in RL and how afraid of it I was. I talked about it a good bit because I was researching it and role playing it but I didn't ask not was I sure I wanted him to try. He took the first step in this area. When he did I didn't expect it at all.

So now when he asks if I have an idea, sometimes I do. I try to see if he wants to be in charge of things or not and then we go from there. Though God knows lately, I've had no time, energy or creativity for much of anything.

I think this gives me hope – he definitely got a rush from my pushing him to hold my hands behind my back, but he’s been afraid to try it again since then – I think because he is afraid of what he felt, but while we discussed our initial feelings, haven’t asked him about it since – we don’t live together so find ourselves always trying to “pack” too much into our time…

His feelings, these are things that take the most time to reconcile. Society raises men to be and do certain things these days. Some of these things must be rewritten in the mind before he can be comfortable with them. My husband was scared and ashamed of his feelings at times. That's normal I think for many. At least that is my opinion on the matter and what I have seen with my man.

Some men are not too clear on the black and white parts of themselves and particularly not the gray. Self examination is scary. BDSM brings self examination to a person most of the time, I think. My man knows himself really well in some areas. His greatest fear was / is of himself. Indeed this is also my greatest fear, me. He fears his rage and loss of control among other things. I fear failing or letting others down most. Our greatest monsters and nightmares are within, I believe. (Enough of a side issue?)

When your other allows you to tell him / her your most base desires and vile secrets that is a great gift. When they still not only accept you but actually like you and find your desirable, you feel there is almost nothing you can't do from the high.

My biggest fear is not my reaction, but his. Like I said, he is coming out of a period of hurt and is a little “gun shy.” Also, I haven’t gotten to the point where I completely trust him yet after he left me to go back to his ex for a time. Since we got back together, he’s been more open to me than he ever was before, but I still feel as though it’s so tenuous for both of us. I guess I am wondering how you dealt with your own fears… Our communication is generally very open (until now has been extremely open about sex) but sometimes I still feel skittish.

I can totally understand worrying more about his reaction than your own. I do that too.

Trust is a hard thing to get back. You can't do it overnight. It has to be brought back slowly.

I dealt with my fears by, as soon as I became conscious of what I needed, or wanted, discussing them with him. The way I try to talk with people is in the least threatening, kindest way possible but very honestly. You will never have to wonder where you stand with me or what I'm feeling. I will tell you and I don't do double talk.

From the first day of, I nearly cybered during role play last night. I felt so excited and I got wet but I couldn't do it without finding out what you would feel about it. I don't want to do it if it hurts you or you simply don't want me to." To the time I told him how happy he'd made me by spanking me with the thorn side of a dozen roses, dripping hot wax on me and spanking me during a romantic weekend. Even more so that his love which shone in his eyes, and trembled in his voice when he spoke his words meant more to me than all of that. I mean I asked him what his perfect partner would be like. I expected at that time to be told that he would prefer a girl less kinky and less pushy but no, he said he couldn't imagine a more compatible partner for him than me. I didn't expect that. What's really mind blowing is I think he believed what he said.

All of this makes me so happy for you! It’s interesting – I got involved in BDSM really deeply only during the time we were broken up. Before, the sex we had together was the most intense I’ve ever experienced. Even now, just being around him makes me tingle with attraction pretty much the whole time we’re together. But when we actually get down to sex, I find myself enjoying it less most of the time now – some of it has to do with my still not trusting him completely so wanting to maintain some separation, but I also think a lot of it has to do with having desires that I am afraid to explore with him. And also not wanting to hurt him emotionally or push him into anything. Does that make sense? Is this at all comparable to how you felt in the “early days” and if so, how long have you now been exploring BDSM and how long did it take to become more comfortable…

This makes sense to me. You and he are both going through a lot right now emotionally. It has to be hard to add in this new thing with all of the relationship reconstruction you must do. I read about your betrayal on the other thread and my heart went out to you so much. You are such a strong woman. I admire you a great deal!

I started really exploring all this consciously in October of 2004. I'm comfortable now even though we are not doing nearly enough, often enough. LOL. It took at least a good year to become more comfortable. To know he was going to be cool with what we did and even if he weren't we could talk about it and vice versa. I was mostly afraid that I'd drive him away, hurt him or have such pangs of need it drove me crazy. Thankfully, none of that has happened though I have felt a sub frenzy or two.

Honestly if I had my way, we'd have scenes at least three times a week and fuck at least twice a day but damn it, life is not allowing us that kind of time or energy right now. *grr*

These days I often find myself saying, yep, there are things I should be doing right now but fuck it. Today I'm going to take it easy and maybe tomorrow I'll have a better day for it. Sometimes life has to be enough even when it really isn't.

If I didn't have things I still wanted but could not have, hey maybe I'd be bored. Maybe life would lose all meaning?

This makes me want to cry a little and at the same time gives me those warm fuzzies. Even though it is clear you have made accommodations, I am impressed by your relationship together and the strength it has to allow you to have explored as much as you have with him.

Thanks. I do feel lucky. God knows I'm frustrated sometimes. I long for certain things, a woman's lips, a Dom's RL presence above me but all in all I feel blessed.

LOL, I think the request on my end is, please let me know if my questions become too much!

Thank you again for your friendship

No problem about you asking questions. One of the things I enjoy most in life is sharing what I have experienced if it can help anyone in any small way. I'm a bit of a pedagogue. Then too there is that reference librarian aspect of me to fulfil from time to time.

Thanks to you for being such a good friend!

Fury

This all sounds so familiar. I can only imagine the torment Crazy went through for so long. And I am so grateful we were able to work it out and I took to it like a duck to water. I dont really have any advice to give. I remember being petrified that I wouldnt enjoy this and would loose her. I also would have done anything to please her. I figured if it was something that I didnt like/enjoy/get tuned on by, it would show by poor or non existant erections (hard to fool that at this age). As it turns out, the opposite proved true and off I went. Now, I cant imagine having a pure vanilla relationship ever again and hopefully I will never have to find out. I do remember the emotions running in a thousand different directions everytime we tried something new (to me anyway). Talk about your performance anxiety. "Am I doing this right? am I hurting her, oh wait, Im supposed to be hurting her, too much? not enough? hows this making me feel?" Actually, "hows this making me feel" was the easiest part since it was such a huge turn on to me. I do feel very lucky that I found out about this part of me at such a late time in my life. Just goes to prove you can teach an old dog new tricks.

I'm so very happy for you both! You guys inspire me!

Fury

I know this wasn't directed towards me but I wanted to say something about this because this sounds sort of like my S/O and I.

My story... basically... him and I met here on Lit two years ago, I'm not sure how it developed really (I don't remember completely), but he was an online Dom to me on/off for a few months (let me say now that this is a long-distance relationship). I REALLY enjoyed it, he did as well, but not as much as me. Our sessions became fewer and far between, and I eventually told him that we shouldn't try to do this, I was used to getting that sort of attention on a weekly basis minimum and when I wasn't getting it anymore, I got frustrated, so I just suggested (perhaps too firmly) that we just quit altogether.

A year or so went by with not much of anything in that realm, then we stumbled into it again, except this time on the phone and WOW it was like the year that I suffered from no Domination didn't even happen and I was back in sub heaven! However, that faded, too, to what it is now, which is if he feels like he ows me a special night because of a favor I did to him or what have you. It's always really intense and really nice, but only happens once every three - six months.

How do I deal with it? Thankfully, as a young sub (and curious switch), I haven't had much r/l experience to make me desire it with a flame that you couldn't put out with the entire ocean, but I still crave it daily. He doesn't know and I'm not sure if he would understand; I've told him before that I need it as a full-time thing, or at least a steady part time (3 days a week MINIMUM), but he said he can't give that to me. Perhaps it's because he's not emotionally ready for it, but I doubt he ever will be, he's nearing his 30's and by now most people have figured out whether they want to be a Dom/sub or neither, and he hasn't.

Sometimes it kills me, but other times I just have to numb the cravings and push them back down, trying to imagine him Dominating me as we play on the phone, using his powerful figure in my fantasies only. He was such a good Dom the time that he was, but I know he wasn't doing it for himself, so I can't ask him to do it again. Hopefully one day he'll let me venture out (again, as I've done it before) and find a playmate that will fulfill my desires. Till then I'm waiting for that day.

It sounds so hard to have to numb those cravings. I know first hand how it can feel.

*HUGS*

I hope you do get to venture out or he finds he does want to do this for you in RL soon. I can't really make out from your post how involved and committed you two really are. Maybe I missed something? If you are not super committed I'd say he has no right to putting a "hold" on you and you should go out. A local group could help you find out if this was something you enjoyed in the skin and also perhaps someone who did want to be a Dom, giving you what you burn for. God knows if I were single I'd be out there!

I have a lot of D/s playing in my head nearly all the time at home. So I think I know what you mean about that. I don't have sex without that's for sure. LOL.

Fury

 

[Netzach]

Perhaps it's because he's not emotionally ready for it, but I doubt he ever will be, he's nearing his 30's and by now most people have figured out whether they want to be a Dom/sub or neither, and he hasn't.

You'd have a better sense of him than most people, but give it a little time. I didn't hit my real stride till about 28, 7 years well into the scene. And I'm a chick, as you know we mature quicker.

He may not develop into wonder Dom, he may even become *less* wonder Dom, but the proverbial fat lady has not sung yet.

 

[satindesire]

I was shocked that he got almost physically sick taking nude shots of me

Oh my god. I know this is a really, seriously personal question and you obviously don't have to answer it if I'm sticking my nose in waaay to far, but why did he feel sick taking nude photos of you?

Oh, sometimes I feel so guilty for having a curious streak!!!

 

[neonflux]

This all sounds so familiar. I can only imagine the torment Crazy went through for so long. And I am so grateful we were able to work it out and I took to it like a duck to water. I dont really have any advice to give. I remember being petrified that I wouldnt enjoy this and would loose her. I also would have done anything to please her. I figured if it was something that I didnt like/enjoy/get tuned on by, it would show by poor or non existant erections (hard to fool that at this age). As it turns out, the opposite proved true and off I went. Now, I cant imagine having a pure vanilla relationship ever again and hopefully I will never have to find out. I do remember the emotions running in a thousand different directions everytime we tried something new (to me anyway). Talk about your performance anxiety. "Am I doing this right? am I hurting her, oh wait, Im supposed to be hurting her, too much? not enough? hows this making me feel?" Actually, "hows this making me feel" was the easiest part since it was such a huge turn on to me. I do feel very lucky that I found out about this part of me at such a late time in my life. Just goes to prove you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Thank you for your comments- it's nice to hear it from a man's point of view. I am sure that he is afraid in much the same way - I hate that so much is expected of men sexually - always supposed to know what you're doing, etc. In D/s as a PLY should I assume that it just adds another layer of initial anxiety? He has said that he is afraid he will not be enough for me, and while I expressed that concern in my first post, nothing could actually be further from the truth in so many ways. Another, perhaps not problem but concern, is that I am very switch, and beginning to feel a little more D than s (which he knows...)

Oh, btw, I'm 50, so am definitely proof of the "old saw" you just referenced.

He's actually 6 years younger, so does that mean he should be more flexible, LOL?

 

[neonflux]

I know this wasn't directed towards me but I wanted to say something about this because this sounds sort of like my S/O and I.

My story... basically... him and I met here on Lit two years ago, I'm not sure how it developed really (I don't remember completely), but he was an online Dom to me on/off for a few months (let me say now that this is a long-distance relationship). I REALLY enjoyed it, he did as well, but not as much as me. Our sessions became fewer and far between, and I eventually told him that we shouldn't try to do this, I was used to getting that sort of attention on a weekly basis minimum and when I wasn't getting it anymore, I got frustrated, so I just suggested (perhaps too firmly) that we just quit altogether.

A year or so went by with not much of anything in that realm, then we stumbled into it again, except this time on the phone and WOW it was like the year that I suffered from no Domination didn't even happen and I was back in sub heaven! However, that faded, too, to what it is now, which is if he feels like he ows me a special night because of a favor I did to him or what have you. It's always really intense and really nice, but only happens once every three - six months.

How do I deal with it? Thankfully, as a young sub (and curious switch), I haven't had much r/l experience to make me desire it with a flame that you couldn't put out with the entire ocean, but I still crave it daily. He doesn't know and I'm not sure if he would understand; I've told him before that I need it as a full-time thing, or at least a steady part time (3 days a week MINIMUM), but he said he can't give that to me. Perhaps it's because he's not emotionally ready for it, but I doubt he ever will be, he's nearing his 30's and by now most people have figured out whether they want to be a Dom/sub or neither, and he hasn't.

Sometimes it kills me, but other times I just have to numb the cravings and push them back down, trying to imagine him Dominating me as we play on the phone, using his powerful figure in my fantasies only. He was such a good Dom the time that he was, but I know he wasn't doing it for himself, so I can't ask him to do it again. Hopefully one day he'll let me venture out (again, as I've done it before) and find a playmate that will fulfill my desires. Till then I'm waiting for that day.

Edited to add: I am there with you feeling like I am very much in the same boat.

Neon

 

[SirFace]

Thank you for your comments- it's nice to hear it from a man's point of view. I am sure that he is afraid in much the same way - I hate that so much is expected of men sexually - always supposed to know what you're doing, etc. In D/s as a PLY should I assume that it just adds another layer of initial anxiety? He has said that he is afraid he will not be enough for me, and while I expressed that concern in my first post, nothing could actually be further from the truth in so many ways. Another, perhaps not problem but concern, is that I am very switch, and beginning to feel a little more D than s (which he knows...)

Oh, btw, I'm 50, so am definitely proof of the "old saw" you just referenced.

He's actually 6 years younger, so does that mean he should be more flexible, LOL?

Actually, I think my age (53) helped give me the courage and maturity and openmindedness to give it a real try. 10, 20, 30 years ago, maybe not.

Since I had always leaned to the submissive side in bed I was also concerned about this and eventually talked her into having at me. Nothing. So, Im not a masocist. I still enjoy her taking the lead sometimes sexually. I know she does too, especially orally. I thought it would be more difficult but I believe we have managed to plan and enjoy "play" times along with and still enjoy more conventional sex.

 

[Gil_T2]

My husband is not at all interested, he thinks its all a bit silly and embarassing--so we can't even talk about it. I have offered to fulfill any fantasy he has, but I get no response. If any of you out there manage to combine BDSM and vanilla realtionships, how do you do it?

I did know several ladies in the same boat & some did say our play saved their marrages.

 

[FurryFury]

Oh my god. I know this is a really, seriously personal question and you obviously don't have to answer it if I'm sticking my nose in waaay to far, but why did he feel sick taking nude photos of you?

Oh, sometimes I feel so guilty for having a curious streak!!!

He felt doing so was a horrible betrayal of me, even though it was me who asked him to do it. I thought he would enjoy it or I would have never asked him to snap me.

I think he was worried I'd post the pictures online too. I later showed him the type of shots I wanted and found hot, which are more art shots than porn.

We also talked later and came up with restrictions of what I would and would not put online. I already had a very restrictive set of rules for that in my head that he aparently knew nothing about.

After a while he enjoyed taking pictures. Some were porn shots but just for him. I can't stand looking at them. Yuck.

He has since also let me take shots of him and post them. He is totally cool with the issue of nude picture taking now but ooh wee, I never expected it to be such a problem at first.

Fury

 

[JMohegan]

re: Advice, thoughts, help sought...

How does one reach an accomodation when one's partner just isn't into BDSM? With her/him? With one's own feelings and desires?

My primary is not into BDSM. There have been elements of D/s in some of our sex, although I think that feeling real power scares him. I also know that there is nothing in him that connects to the S/m part of this at all, and I would never ask him to try it because I sense in my gut that this is so much against his nature. He doesn't judge and is willing to learn about it, if only to understand me better. This past weekend he prompted what became a very long discussion about our darker sides.

Here is a generalized version of the type of thing I say to guys who are sincerely interested in exploring BDSM solely because they want to accommodate a partner's needs. It is advice I give on *first steps* to guys who are open-minded but hesitant, intimidated by the mystique, darkside-averse, and confused as to how to proceed.

Think about bedroom BDSM in three parts: topping, domming, and inflicting pain.


Topping

The essence of topping in the bedroom is skill with a toy. When you first start to think about topping, don't think about anybody's dark side or your partner screaming in pain. Instead, get in touch with your inner child - the boy who learned how to hit a ball deep into left field or draw realistic caricatures of the teachers in 6th grade.

If your inner child is an athlete or warrior, pick a toy like a flogger or crop that feels natural in your hand and is *fun* to swing. Practice your aim by swinging at pillows; hit your own body to get a sense of the impact and effect on the skin.

If your inner child is an artist, learn about various bondage techniques or wax play.

Then start playing.... and I do mean *playing* with your partner. Follow safety precautions, but don't take these sessions too seriously at first. Act like a kid at Christmas, not a guy with something to prove.


Domming

The essence of domming in the bedroom is being selfish. It has nothing to do with being a guy who inspires all females within a 50-mile radius to drop quivering to the ground to kiss his feet.

You've already got a woman in your bedroom begging you to control and use her as you see fit? Guess what! That means you've already done all the inspiring that's necessary for domming to take place, and now you just need to give yourself permission to be selfish.

When you wake up at 2 a.m. in the mood for a blowjob, wake your partner up too and tell her to get busy.

When you get aroused by the way she looks bent over to reach a lower shelf in the kitchen, turn off the stove and take her right there on the floor. Who the hell cares if dinner is ruined? The point is, you're aroused and she's yours. So go for it!

When you start making love and think, "Gee, tonight I'd really like anal," don't *ask* her. *Tell* her that's what you're going to do. If a stern, commanding voice feels unnatural to you, don't use one! (Personally, I get the best results with a low, deep whisper.) But no matter what tone you select, remember - you are not *asking*. You are *telling* her what to do.

Controlling the when, where, and how per your own selfish desires. That's domming in the bedroom.


Inflicting pain

"Hurts so good" does not count as inflicting pain. If you twist her nipples hard and she moans "Oooooh, yessssssss," that's pleasure. If you spank her ass or thwap her with your new flogger and she says, "Please, please don't stop," that's pleasure too.

Inflicting pain means: it hurts and she really wants it to be over, but she's enduring it just for you.


Putting all three parts together

The key point here is: You actually don't *have* to put all three parts together in order to "do BDSM".

If you become skilled with your new toy(s), you can give your partner a lot of pleasure without ever insisting on the when or where or how.

If you become comfortable with your own selfishness, you can give your partner a lot of pleasure by controlling her behavior... without ever picking up a flogger or crop or cane.

And there are many, many people in the BDSM world who never take things to the point of inflicting pain, as I have defined it.