Any Questions (and other stupid things people say)

[BuckyDuckman]

The worker at the fast food joint asked me, "If you have any questions about anything, just ask."

How could I resist a straight line like that? "I do have a question: what's the square root of two?"

What's your first answer? Or what are the moronic things you get asked?

 

[slyc_willie]

Not a question, but I find it funny when I pass someone, say in one of the halls on campus, and just to be cordial, I say something like, "Afternoon."

And they answer with, "Fine, thanks. How are you?" as they keep going.

It happens all the time.

 

[lovecraft68]

When I went to get a steroid shot in my neck to alleviate pressure on a pinched nerve I had to take my shirt off.

Well over half my back is tattooed, the nurse-who at this point was staring directly at my back asked- "Are you okay with needles?"

I answered that yes, I was terrified of them, all my tats were temporary.

She paused for a minute and said "wow, they look so real."

I had nothing after that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

When I went to get a steroid shot in my neck to alleviate pressure on a pinched nerve I had to take my shirt off.

Well over half my back is tattooed, the nurse-who at this point was staring directly at my back asked- "Are you okay with needles?"

I answered that yes, I was terrified of them, all my tats were temporary.

She paused for a minute and said "wow, they look so real."

I had nothing after that.

Okay, I'm laughing!

 

[Saxon_Hart]

When I went to get a steroid shot in my neck to alleviate pressure on a pinched nerve I had to take my shirt off.

Well over half my back is tattooed, the nurse-who at this point was staring directly at my back asked- "Are you okay with needles?"

I answered that yes, I was terrified of them, all my tats were temporary.

She paused for a minute and said "wow, they look so real."

I had nothing after that.

LOL, I've been told by a nurse who was about to give me a shot "Oh you're not afraid of needles," when she saw my ink. I told her that as long as I didn't see her giving the shot I'd be fine. She looked at me funny, but it's true. I love getting inked, but a hypo is a different animal.


Back in the early 90's I was part of a group that put on wild west shows. We had gun fights at festivals. We dressed in old west clothing and used cap and ball pistols. After the shows we'd mingle and talk to the spectators. It was inevitable that after a show someone would ask if the guns were real. Usually a child. We'd tell them that yes the guns were real. It almost never failed to be some educated professional looking adult who would ask, with a completely straight face,"Do you use real bullets?" Our standard answer was "We used to but it was getting hard to get new members." I had one guy say after I told that..."OH. That's understandable I guess."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I love getting inked, but a hypo is a different animal.

I was a medic in the Army and once a year we had to give flu shots to the 800 guys in our unit. There was always some big, burly infantryman afraid of needles. For him, we had a special injection ready: a 50 cc syringe, with the plunger out and a long cardiac needle. We averaged one fainting per year.

Meanwhile, the local colloquialism around here is for a clerk at a convenient store to ask, "Is that everything"

My replies alternate:
1) It's everything I could carry.
2) (most obscure) Clearly not.
3) (my favorite) "Yes, this will make my life complete. I may never want again."

 

[damppanties]

3) (my favorite) "Yes, this will make my life complete. I may never want again."

I may have to use that.

 

[lovecraft68]

If you get a kick out of these things you need to check out a classic mad magazine feature called

"Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions"

The writer/artist of the bit is Al Jaffe. Not sure if they do them anymore but I have a couple of the paperback compilations and they are hilarious.

here's a couple I found on google.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

If you get a kick out of these things you need to check out a classic mad magazine feature called

"Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions"

I thought about that, too! And Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" bit, too.

Oh, another common line phrase that gets to me:

"If there's anything I can do for you, let me know."

Damn, that has me biting my tongue every single time.

My usual reply, "Cool! Could you jump through a hoop of fire for me? I love watching that!"

 

[TE999]

One of my favorite comebacks to a stupid question was in a cartoon I saw once showing a man with axe in hand at a woodpile with a log on a stump ready to be split. Another man's saying to him "Choppin' wood, Zeke?" His reply "No Luther, I'm carving a bowl of soup."

I recently cut myself rather severely in the leg doing yard work. It of course became infected and needed treatment at a Wound Care Center; some of which involved wrapping my leg in gauze and a heavy bandage to keep the wound clean until it healed.

I needed to protect the wrappings wih a woman's knee high stocking, so I went to the local Wal-Mart to buy a package of them. The wise-ass check out clerk asked me "Are these for you or your girlfriend?" Thinking fast I replied "They're for me. Panty hose makes my balls itch." Shocked silence, then "Have a nice day, sir."

 

[slyc_willie]

I thought about that, too! And Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" bit, too.

Engvall has some good ones. One of my favorites is a scenario in which a guy pulls over because his car overheated. He pops the hood, and steam comes pouring out. Another motorist pulls over, gets out, and approaches the first.

"Car overheated, huh?"

"Nope. It wanted a smoke break."



At my local grocery store, the clerks have been conditioned to always ask, as they're scanning your items, "did you find everything you needed?"

Looking behind me, I see five other people in line and my immediate thought is, "if I didn't, are you gonna go get it for me?"

I appreciate that it's standard customer service nicety, but I think I'd rather hear a more genuine, "how are you doing today?" instead.

 

[Saxon_Hart]

I always bite my tongue when I'm perusing the cupboards or cabinets and the other half asks "Are you looking for something?" One of these days I'll say, "No, I just enjoy looking at consumables."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

"did you find everything you needed?"

I appreciate that it's standard customer service nicety, but I think I'd rather hear a more genuine, "how are you doing today?" instead.

I'm with you. It's those standard little customer service lines that get to me, too. Another example is when the clerk asks, "Did you find everything okay?"

I reply, "I found everything... okay." It's not very often, but sometimes a clerk will pick up on my emphasis change and smile.

 

[Meghan32]

Heeheehee

I was a medic in the Army and once a year we had to give flu shots to the 800 guys in our unit. There was always some big, burly infantryman afraid of needles. For him, we had a special injection ready: a 50 cc syringe, with the plunger out and a long cardiac needle. We averaged one fainting per year.

Meanwhile, the local colloquialism around here is for a clerk at a convenient store to ask, "Is that everything"

My replies alternate:
1) It's everything I could carry.
2) (most obscure) Clearly not.
3) (my favorite) "Yes, this will make my life complete. I may never want again."

I enjoy number 3. Lol.

My favorite stupid question (that also attempts to be considerate/complimentary, so it's a wash) is "Did you get your hair cut?"

I once answered a student who asked me that with "No, it just grew back into my scalp in my sleep. I woke up this morning and said, well this is surprising." She responded with "oh, okay".

Then later the same student heard another student say, "Oh, you got a haircut, Ms. S - you look nice!" and me saying thank you. She responded in an alarmed/confused tone, "BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR HAIRCUT??!!"

I raised my eyebrows and made a mental note - never use sarcasm with that student again....

-M

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

LOL, I've been told by a nurse who was about to give me a shot "Oh you're not afraid of needles," when she saw my ink. I told her that as long as I didn't see her giving the shot I'd be fine. She looked at me funny, but it's true. I love getting inked, but a hypo is a different animal.


Back in the early 90's I was part of a group that put on wild west shows. We had gun fights at festivals. We dressed in old west clothing and used cap and ball pistols. After the shows we'd mingle and talk to the spectators. It was inevitable that after a show someone would ask if the guns were real. Usually a child. We'd tell them that yes the guns were real. It almost never failed to be some educated professional looking adult who would ask, with a completely straight face,"Do you use real bullets?" Our standard answer was "We used to but it was getting hard to get new members." I had one guy say after I told that..."OH. That's understandable I guess."

Have we met in real life before? My parents used to do this...

The things I remember from those days striking me as kind of dumb:

1. Are they really getting hanged? This one was asked all the time. We had a gallows, and at least once per skit one of two people would be hanged. It was either my mom, or my uncle. Why only those two? The harness they had would only fit them because everyone else was too big. People would ask this question while they were walking around getting ready for a skit or cleaning up from the previous one.

2. Is that real whiskey in those bottles? This was inevitably asked when us kids would pick up the bottles and drink from them. We did this to freak people out. The only time it was a real problem was when it was a cop asking. My aunt made sweet tea to fill the bottles with for the purposes of the show. If you don't look too close, it looks like whiskey.

3. The ones Saxon mentioned. Are the guns/ammo real? While we didn't use extremely old 'period' weapons, we used some that were sufficiently old for the 90s. My dad's .45 long Colt got the most attention when he had it holstered because of the long barrel. They used blanks, and after a while it got to the point where they would put on a small demonstration with cans and stuff before each skit. One of the guys, who happened to be a sheriff at home, would get a coke/beer can from someone in the audience, put it on a stool, and shoot it from a couple feet away. People were amazed when the can flew off and landed completely mangled a few feet away. Yes, the rounds hurt when you get hit. I remember my dad and uncles pulling their boots and shoes off and having huge welts and bruises where they'd been shot in the feet.

Because of these shows, I know how to reload all sorts of ammo, and still have two of the reloaders my parents had. They stopped because of another group that would come to the shows and record the dialog and play it back for their own shows. It stopped being fun after that.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I enjoy number 3. Lol.

My favorite stupid question (that also attempts to be considerate/complimentary, so it's a wash) is "Did you get your hair cut?"


-M

My standard response is "no, I just combed it differently today."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Then later the same student heard another student say, "Oh, you got a haircut, Ms. S - you look nice!" and me saying thank you. She responded in an alarmed/confused tone, "BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR HAIRCUT??!!"

I raised my eyebrows and made a mental note - never use sarcasm with that student again....

Having a dry, sarcastic sense of humor often falls flat in the best ways on some people. When the grocery store clerk asks, "Paper or plastic?" I typically reply, "Whatever, I'm easy. It's how I got married." Being a guy, that's a pseudo-funny statement and often gets a smile, except one day. The guy ringing up my sale was clearly one of the managers (he wore a tie and everything). I delivered my usual reply and received a blank stare. The person bagging the groceries was a teenaged girl. She giggled, catching the humor right away. Her manager scanned several more items before asking, "How would being easy help you get married?" The "OMG!" look on the teen girl's face was so precious! I just shrugged and said, "You'll get it on the way home." As I pushed my cart away, the teen whispered, "No. He won't."

 

[sr71plt]

My standard response is "no, I just combed it differently today."

There's always, "Oh, dear, no. I haven't had hair since 1976."

 

[Saxon_Hart]

Have we met in real life before? My parents used to do this...

The things I remember from those days striking me as kind of dumb:

1. Are they really getting hanged? This one was asked all the time. We had a gallows, and at least once per skit one of two people would be hanged. It was either my mom, or my uncle. Why only those two? The harness they had would only fit them because everyone else was too big. People would ask this question while they were walking around getting ready for a skit or cleaning up from the previous one.

2. Is that real whiskey in those bottles? This was inevitably asked when us kids would pick up the bottles and drink from them. We did this to freak people out. The only time it was a real problem was when it was a cop asking. My aunt made sweet tea to fill the bottles with for the purposes of the show. If you don't look too close, it looks like whiskey.

3. The ones Saxon mentioned. Are the guns/ammo real? While we didn't use extremely old 'period' weapons, we used some that were sufficiently old for the 90s. My dad's .45 long Colt got the most attention when he had it holstered because of the long barrel. They used blanks, and after a while it got to the point where they would put on a small demonstration with cans and stuff before each skit. One of the guys, who happened to be a sheriff at home, would get a coke/beer can from someone in the audience, put it on a stool, and shoot it from a couple feet away. People were amazed when the can flew off and landed completely mangled a few feet away. Yes, the rounds hurt when you get hit. I remember my dad and uncles pulling their boots and shoes off and having huge welts and bruises where they'd been shot in the feet.

Because of these shows, I know how to reload all sorts of ammo, and still have two of the reloaders my parents had. They stopped because of another group that would come to the shows and record the dialog and play it back for their own shows. It stopped being fun after that.

We used real whiskey. Once we had moonshine that nobody clued me into before I took a swig of what I thought was water in the middle of a show. Only thing law enforcement ever questioned me about was the length of my scatter gun. I'd let 'em measure it. 18.25 inches.

 

[Handley_Page]

The worker at the fast food joint asked me, "If you have any questions about anything, just ask."

How could I resist a straight line like that? "I do have a question: what's the square root of two?"

What's your first answer? Or what are the moronic things you get asked?

I'd love to know he gave you the right answer. . . .

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I'd love to know he gave you the right answer. . . .

LOL. He did try, but he was wrong. I pointed out that it's 1.414... It goes on, of course, but that's enough. Meanwhile, the young woman behind him was smirking. Turns out, she knows Pi to ten digits. Unfortunately for her, I was standing next to my daughter who's very used to her weird dad. My daughter has Pi memorized to 100 digits.

 

[MatthewVett]

Maybe it's me, but a lot of these seem to boil down to purposefully being a dick to someone asking an innocent, and sometimes mandatory, question.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Maybe it's me, but a lot of these seem to boil down to purposefully being a dick to someone asking an innocent, and sometimes mandatory, question.

Maybe and certainly, at times. However, most of the things being quoted are moronic questions. As for being mandatory? Hardly. Beyond that, as authors, I think we have a habit of noticing the odd turn of a phrase. Perhaps as latter dialog fodder or as nothing more than "Wow, sometimes people say the darndest things!"

Typically, my "dick" replies are met with a smile and, quite often, a genuine laugh.

Once, the clerk behind the counter at the convenient store looked exceptionally rough. She didn't appear to have two brain cells to rub together. On autopilot, she asked, "Is that everything?"

I gave my usual reply, "Why yes it is. I may never want again." Even as the words came out of my mouth (I was on autopilot, too) I thought: Boy, that's a waste of a goofy line.

The slacked jaw, mouth-breather of a clerk never blinked or reacted to my reply, but as I walked away, I heard her mumble, "You'll be back." And let me tell you, that absolutely made my day!

If you have a sense of humor like mine, you find joy in odd places and never regret its discovery. I wish the same for you.

 

[Handley_Page]

If you have a sense of humor like mine, you find joy in odd places and never regret its discovery. I wish the same for you.

The snag is that It is sometimes very difficult to explain it.

 

[sr71plt]

I clutch up every time I'm asked in an airport if I packed my bags myself, because of all of the snappy rejoinders I can think for that, but, as mentioned before, they are only asking a question law says they have to ask, and an airport isn't a place to start getting creative in answering questions.