And Now For Something Completely Different

[Dillinger]

"Sit on my Face" from "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you moralize,
When I'm between your thighs;
You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face and let my love be truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
And we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,
'Till we're blown away!

 

[sunstruck]

Python is so elequent.

 

[cutie pie]

Yes, please.

 

[bad kitty]

Can I sign up for one of those?

 

[Dillinger]

The Galaxy song from "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"

<spoken>
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
<sung>
And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough,

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And reolving at nine thousand miles an hour.
It's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
'Round the sun that is the source of all our power.
Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at fourteen thousand miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred million stars;
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;
It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.
We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,
We go 'round every two hundred million years;
And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

<waltz>

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!

 

[just pet]

My favorite song

It's so romantic

 

[Dillinger]

The answer: "Every Sperm Is Sacred", Lyrics by Michael Palin and Terry Jones.

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammad, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on,
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, because

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Morman,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybody's,
Mine, and mine, and mine.

Let the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

 

[Dillinger]

"I'm the Urban Spaceman" by the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, I've got speed,
I've got everything I need.

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, I can fly,
I'm a supersonic guy.

I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain,
If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again.

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, I'm making out,
I'm all about.

I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face,
My natural exhuberance spills out all over the place.

I'm the Urban Spaceman, I'm intelligent and clean,
Know what I mean?

I'm the Urban Spaceman, as a lover second to none,
It's alot of fun.

I never let my friends down, I never made a boob,
I'm a glossy magazine, an advert in the tube.

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, here comes the twist,
I don't exist.

 

[Dillinger]

"I Like Traffic Lights"

[VERSE 1]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.

[CHORUS 1]
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.

[VERSE 2]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

[CHORUS 2]
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

[VERSE 3]
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.

I like traffic lights,
...oh God...

 

[Dillinger]

The Opening Scene Song from "Monty Python's Life of Brian"

Brian...the babe they called Brian
Grew...grew grew and grew, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
This man called Brian
This man called Brian

 

[just pet]

The Masochism Tango

by Tom Lehrer


I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
You can raise welts
Like nobody else,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

Let our love be a flame, not an ember,
Say it's me that you want to dismember.
Blacken my eye,
Set fire to my tie,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

At your command
Before you here I stand,
My heart is in my hand...
Yeech!
It's here that I must be.

My heart entreats,
Just hear those savage beats,
And go put on your cleats
And come and trample me.

Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany,
That's why I'm in such exquisite agony.
My soul is on fire,
It's aflame with desire,
Which is why I perspire when we tango.

You caught my nose
In your left castanet, love,
I can feel the pain yet, love,
Ev'ry time I hear drums.

And I envy the rose
That you held in your teeth, love,
With the thorns underneath, love,
Sticking into your gums.

Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches.
The last time I needed twenty stitches
To sew up the gash
That you made with your lash,
As we danced to the Masochism Tango.

Bash in my brain,
And make me scream with pain,
Then kick me once again,
And say we'll never part.

I know too well
I'm underneath your spell,
So, darling, if you smell
Something burning, it's my heart... [hiccup]
'Scuse me!

Take your cigarette from its holder,
And burn your initials in my shoulder.
Fracture my spine,
And swear that you're mine,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

 

[Dillinger]

** The Tale of Sir Robin. **

So, each of the knights went their separate ways.
Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his
favorite minstrels.


Minstrel: song:

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his peni--

Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks
like there's getting work afoot.

Three headed knight: HALT!!!

Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest
creature for *yards* around!
For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the
onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was
his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his
tactics!

Minstrel: Robin:

Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely taking to his feet
For a very brave retreat

Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did!
Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies!
Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never!


Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's
flight away, had discovered something.

 

[woodgie2]

How much time do you have on your cock..? Sorry, penis... DOH, I mean willy... AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! HANDS, yes that's it, hands.

*phew* I apologise for that Freuidian Slap... DAMMIT, Slip.

 

[phrodeau]

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it simply grand to have a dong?
It's a joy to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the World's Biggest Prick!
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't pull it out in public,
Or they'll put you in the dock,
And you won't...come...back.
Ahh...thankyouverymuch.

 

[Dillinger]

Bruces' Philosophers Song
a.k.a. Philosophers' Drinking Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed