Amf

[carsonshepherd]

Adios Mother Fucker.

I've set a date for my departure from this relationship and this city. Rather, my mom and my brother set a date. I asked them to help me because I seem to have lost my ability to make decisions and take action. So basically, my brother and his friend are going to show up here in a few weeks grab me, my dogs and my stuff, throw it into a U-Haul and drive off.

I've gone back and forth on leaving for so long. I wanted to give my BF a chance to deal with his alcohol problem, but I can't keep giving him chance after chance. I know I need to go but it was always "not now." Well, now it's NOW. My mom's not gonna let me back out.

I've got a few weeks to plan, so I'm worried about how I'll tell him. Will I tell him ahead of time so we can work things out like adults? Or should I spring it on him? I don't want to spring it on him - I don't want to leave while he's at work. I wish we could part amicably but I don't know if that's possible. The last time I had to do this, I had to just walk away without a thing and never look back. I'm prepared to do that if I have to, but I don't want to do it. Basically, I'm really confused and panicky and I'm not sure how to go about any of this.

 

[impressive]

Sugar, if reasoning was possible, you'd have a resolution already.

PM/IM/e-mail ... all at your disposal, if you need/want.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Sugar, if reasoning was possible, you'd have a resolution already.

Well dammit!

(thanks Sis.)

 

[logophile]

Best of luck.
You can reach me by IM if you need to talk/cry/vent/etc.

 

[lil_elvis]

Carson,

There will never be a right way, a satisfying way to do it. Given his drinking problem, I doubt he could handle it as an adult.

I think it would be best to wait, tell him you're leaving and then go.

That's my take, but whatever you do, don't backslide.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

My opinion, for what little it's worth since A.) I'm not gay, and B.) I've never been in that kind of relationship.

But anyway,

I'd lean towards a last minute 'spring it on him' approach. It will give less time for hom to play the 'Poor little me' card on you and try to get you to stay.

 

[Guest]

ultimately, your leaving might actually help bf hit rock bottom...maybe not...but its a wake up call if he chooses to see it that way.
its healthy for you, handsome, to have someone help you make this move. how fortuneate that you have someone who loves you and is there for you to lean on when you need it most.
like Impster said, im here too...pm/im/email hell, you can call even.
your AH family is here for you too.

 

[Guest]

My opinion, for what little it's worth since A.) I'm not gay, and B.) I've never been in that kind of relationship.

But anyway,

I'd lean towards a last minute 'spring it on him' approach. It will give less time for hom to play the 'Poor little me' card on you and try to get you to stay.

normally, i wouldnt agree but with BF's history, this really does seem the bestest route.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

normally, i wouldnt agree but with BF's history, this really does seem the bestest route.

I always knew I liked you for a reason.

 

[carsonshepherd]

normally, i wouldnt agree but with BF's history, this really does seem the bestest route.

I just hate lying to him. He already keeps questioning me about what I'm doing when I'm not around. I know he thinks there's another man but there is absolutely NOT.

 

[Guest]

I just hate lying to him. He already keeps questioning me about what I'm doing when I'm not around. I know he thinks there's another man but there is absolutely NOT.

you have to follow what you believe. would it serve any purpose to tell him now? how will he react? will he stoop to promising and begging and can you deal with those promises with indifference? will you still leave if he promises hell quit 'this time'?
sweetie, you've given and given to an ill person. hes knocked you down so many times before. do you trust that you are strong enough to ignore his pleas?
this time, this time...its you that you have to worry about.

 

[impressive]

you have to follow what you believe. would it serve any purpose to tell him now? how will he react? will he stoop to promising and begging and can you deal with those promises with indifference? will you still leave if he promises hell quit 'this time'?
sweetie, you've given and given to an ill person. hes knocked you down so many times before. do you trust that you are strong enough to ignore his pleas?
this time, this time...its you that you have to worry about.

Negative emotional manipulation sucketh muchly. (Remove the potential for it.)

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Well, I'm sad for you and glad for you. Sad that you are in that predicament but glad that you're moving forward and putting yourself first for a change. I know it won't be easy, but you owe it to yourself to move on. I've seen so many people dig in their heels and lose their very essence and will by doing so.

Just a suggestion about how to go about telling your BF what you need to tell him. You're a writer. A fine writer, at that. Why not sit down to a notepad and write the story of 'How I arrived at the decision to ...' Even if you've said it all before. Even if you know it'll make him angry at first. Even if you later decide to speak with him about it face to face before leaving. It's something tangible that you can leave with him. Something he can hold in his hands from you. Something that he can refer to when the urge for personal honesty and reflection arrives.

It's probably not for everyone, but I've found that when I have emotional conversations with people and we speak of those conversations later ... they have a drastically different recollection of the talk than I do. Additionally, they tend to only remember the negatives or the faults or the things that caused them hurt. When I write my feelings and thoughts, however, I am able to state things plainly and truthfully while the recipient has all the time in the world to digest and absorb what they've read ... without all the pressure of an immediate reaction as I sit across the table from them face to face. They also have the undeniable proof of all the positive things I felt and said. It's right there before them in black and white. Whatever you decide, I know you to be a kind and generous soul. I hope you are able to reach out to him in a way that leaves the door open for him to accept your decisions and appreciate your honesty.

Much love,
lucky

 

[Aurora Black]

It's time for a clean break. You're making the right choice, in my opinion.

 

[lil_elvis]

I just hate lying to him. He already keeps questioning me about what I'm doing when I'm not around. I know he thinks there's another man but there is absolutely NOT.

Alcohol abuse leads to paranoia and dilussions.

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* carson.

It's the best decision you could make.

Having lived with an alcoholic myself, there's not much you can do unless they admit they have a problem. Which they don't too often.

Do what's best for you, he's no longer your concern.

 

[Recidiva]

I'm so sorry. I made a choice like that once and set a date of six months to leave a marriage and start a new life. Give people the chance to come to terms and get used to the idea.

It was absofuckinglutely hell.

So I'm not sure if I would tell you to do that. It's the "right" thing to do, it's the "civil" thing to do, but if you're already in something that's doing you harm, than this in a way is a huge risk.

Rather like a job that fires you immediately upon giving two weeks' notice, it can get very ugly very fast and leave you out way before two weeks.

I'd only say something if I was absolutely assured it wouldn't go to hell before you can say "Hey that's my stuff on fire."

 

[carsonshepherd]

I'm so sorry. I made a choice like that once and set a date of six months to leave a marriage and start a new life. Give people the chance to come to terms and get used to the idea.

It was absofuckinglutely hell.

So I'm not sure if I would tell you to do that. It's the "right" thing to do, it's the "civil" thing to do, but if you're already in something that's doing you harm, than this in a way is a huge risk.

Rather like a job that fires you immediately upon giving two weeks' notice, it can get very ugly very fast and leave you out way before two weeks.

I'd only say something if I was absolutely assured it wouldn't go to hell before you can say "Hey that's my stuff on fire."

I think my mom agrees with you.

 

[TheEarl]

Carson: From the sidelines, it appears you've been fair to him for long enough. Time to be fair to you. Take the easiest route you can and gods bless you.

The Earl

 

[Recidiva]

I think my mom agrees with you.

Then go with that and don't feel guilty about it.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

I think my mom agrees with you.

Smart lady, both of them.

 

[carsonshepherd]

*HUGS* carson.

It's the best decision you could make.

Having lived with an alcoholic myself, there's not much you can do unless they admit they have a problem. Which they don't too often.

Do what's best for you, he's no longer your concern.

No, they don't.
I gave him a three-month ultimatum and he's done nothing I asked. He thinks he's better, but he's not, because he still thinks he doesn't have a problem. Or if he does, that it isn't his fault.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

FLy free my friend.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I also realize that this toxic relationship is affecting my ability to make decisions. That's why I asked my family's help.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I also realize that this toxic relationship is affecting my ability to make decisions. That's why I asked my family's help.

That is an incredible first step.