Age difference and power issues

[DeservingBitch]

So, there's this really cute CD boy who I've been talking to, who I'd be really interested in playing with. We share a lot of the same kinks, and he's also a generally really cool, interesting, and fun person with whom I connect.

But he's 19. And I'm close to being 30.

Part of me is really uneasy about the age difference, mostly because of the real life power differential that comes with him being so much younger than me.

On the other hand, he is no virgin, he has been bottoming for a few people (both women and gay men) for about 2 years now, he is very assertive about what he's into (or not), and he's also used to playing with people much older than he is.

I'm a big believer in giving people the credit of being able to make the best decision for themselves and not going for the "i know better than you do what's best for you", so I'm tempted to go for it. Or I am just trying to justify playing with him because he's so damn cute and tickling most of my Top's hot buttons?

 

[Netzach]

If his ID says 19, I'd do it.

But consider the source.

 

[DeservingBitch]

If his ID says 19, I'd do it.

But consider the source.

Checked. Officially 19.

 

[Netzach]

I think then if you just stay communicative, open and keep in mind that whatever he may be into he is, after all's said and done, 19, you should be ok.

We're not THAT far from 19.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you're only considering playing, I don't think there is too much cause for concern about age if you already get on. We have played with a 21 yo and I am almost 50 and a good time was had by all.

Catalina

 

[DeservingBitch]

I think then if you just stay communicative, open and keep in mind that whatever he may be into he is, after all's said and done, 19, you should be ok.

We're not THAT far from 19.

I'm glad to read your take on it Netz. That's how I'm thinking about it too, but then, I'm always worried that I may be thinking with my cock rather than my brain.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[DeservingBitch]

If you're only considering playing, I don't think there is too much cause for concern about age if you already get on. We have played with a 21 yo and I am almost 50 and a good time was had by all.

Catalina

Yes, for now, we are both only considering a play-partner 'casual' relationship. And outside of 'scening', no real D/s involved.

So yes, I am probably just making a bigger deal out of this age thing than I should.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Ok, yes keep in mind that he's 19 which means welll... 19-year-old-ness, but an 8-10 year age difference isn't that big of a deal if y'all click.
(says the woman involved with a man 20 years her senior... lol)

I think my uneasyness comes from a combination of his 19-year-old-ness AND the age difference. It seems to me that it puts me in a real life position of power over him that wouldn't be there if I was 40 and him 30.

But then, as Catalina suggested, this shouldn't be too much of an issue if we're only talking about playing.

 

[nh23]

I would say go for it. I am 13 years younger than my Dom. It's never really been an issue, or brought up any problems to date. Like you said if you're only going to be playing...but even if you took it to another level I think it can work out nicely for the both of you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think my uneasyness comes from a combination of his 19-year-old-ness AND the age difference. It seems to me that it puts me in a real life position of power over him that wouldn't be there if I was 40 and him 30.

But then, as Catalina suggested, this shouldn't be too much of an issue if we're only talking about playing.

Is he all that 19ish in behaviour though....the 21 yo we played with was way past 21 in maturity and damn, he looked so good in that black latex dress, fishnets and platforms and boots.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[DeservingBitch]

Is he all that 19ish in behaviour though....the 21 yo we played with was way past 21 in maturity and damn, he looked so good in that black latex dress, fishnets and platforms and boots.

Catalina

No, he's not your typical 19 in his behavior or mentality. Or I wouldn't be interested.

And yes, he's damn cute, and frankly, I'm rather excited at the idea of spanking his pantie-clad fine ass.

 

[catalina_francisco]

No, he's not your typical 19 in his behavior or mentality. Or I wouldn't be interested.

And yes, he's damn cute, and frankly, I'm rather excited at the idea of spanking his pantie-clad fine ass.

LOL, well we still remain so impressed, he is the only play partner we have had a pic thread for (Joy of Pain in our sig)...strangely enough, though the others were older, he was the most dedicated and respectful in terms of D/s.

Catalina

 

[DeservingBitch]

LOL, well we still remain so impressed, he is the only play partner we have had a pic thread for (Joy of Pain in our sig)...strangely enough, though the others were older, he was the most dedicated and respectful in terms of D/s.

Catalina

*note to self: must have a look at that pic thread*

 

[unfoundiamond]

I seem to remember...

Isn't there that known fact floating around that men and women hit their sexual primes at completely diffrent stages in their lives? Isn't it like 18 for guys and around 30 for women?? (I know you are probably thinking I am making this up since those are almost your and his ages, but I swear, check it out, I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was in cosmo or something...)
But the question almost seemed to be more about could he pull it off being so young, and I think you made the case for why he could as well... all the examples of his expirience,

You answered it for yourself it seems!

Someone (older than you since it seems relevant) told me we should expirience things while we are still young and flexible enough to do it, as I went to him asking for approval to expiriment, so I say we listen...
And I want to read about it... so if you do it, and write about for other to read it, drop me a link... LoL...

**curiosity burning**

 

[DeservingBitch]

Isn't there that known fact floating around that men and women hit their sexual primes at completely diffrent stages in their lives? Isn't it like 18 for guys and around 30 for women?? (I know you are probably thinking I am making this up since those are almost your and his ages, but I swear, check it out, I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was in cosmo or something...)
But the question almost seemed to be more about could he pull it off being so young, and I think you made the case for why he could as well... all the examples of his expirience,

You answered it for yourself it seems!

Someone (older than you since it seems relevant) told me we should expirience things while we are still young and flexible enough to do it, as I went to him asking for approval to expiriment, so I say we listen...
And I want to read about it... so if you do it, and write about for other to read it, drop me a link... LoL...

**curiosity burning**

Well, my issue is not with his age per se, nor exactly with the age difference, but rather with the power differential that comes with it.

Sure he's no virgin and all, but I still have much more experience than he does (both vanilla and BDSM), I've been a grown up and lived as a grown up for longer than he has, I've been through my share of fuck ups and painful dramas that have taught me a thing or two about life, I come with that magical 'mature/experienced woman' aspect (at least from his perspective), etc. All those things contribute in putting me in a position of power over him. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but which can produce a situation of abuse. Which is where my concerns are. Especially when plays involving power (mine over him) comes into the picture.

But yes, you are right, I had mostly already answered the question for myself. I guess I just needed reassurance from other, more experienced posters here that I wasn't just thinking with my cock and that yes, it is OK for me to play with him, as long as I not forget that he his, after all, a 19 years old boy.

The sexual peak thing (which I am quite skeptical about) is not really an issue -- while my BDSM play is obviously erotically charged and all, I usually don't fuck my casual play-partner. Especially not boys.

 

[myinnerslut]

just becuase of his age dont count him out as a potential. as for the age difference, its almost garunteed that you and your partner will have a bit of an age difference if you are 19, just becuase of the average age of the common BDSM-er.

 

[SweetErika]

On a related note, I'm curious as to what opinions are when the age difference goes the other way - say a pyl who's 10, or even 20, years older than the PYL?

I'm (a fairly settled, "together") 27, and a sub I'm considering is 44, for instance. He's definitely more experienced than I am, though he's said that's not a problem for him.

Does/would this kind of difference be likely to pose a problem or make for a greater power differential, in your opinion? Or, provided there's enough in common, is service service (and, control control)?

Great topic, DB.

 

[DeservingBitch]

On a related note, I'm curious as to what opinions are when the age difference goes the other way - say a pyl who's 10, or even 20, years older than the PYL?

I'm (a fairly settled, "together") 27, and a sub I'm considering is 44, for instance. He's definitely more experienced than I am, though he's said that's not a problem for him.

Does/would this kind of difference be likely to pose a problem or make for a greater power differential, in your opinion? Or, provided there's enough in common, is service service (and, control control)?

Great topic, DB.

To me, that has never been an issue. The first guy who bottomed for me (who is also the only guy so far who's ever topped me) was 50, and had been active in the scene since his early 20s.

I always like to play with more experienced bottoms than I am. It's been a great way for me to learn and improve my skills.

That, and I guess I have a thing for having successful, older men at my feet begging for the opportunity to amuse me.

 

[Sluggy2975]

.....

 

[SweetErika]

To me, that has never been an issue. The first guy who bottomed for me (who is also the only guy so far who's ever topped me) was 50, and had been active in the scene since his early 20s.

I always like to play with more experienced bottoms than I am. It's been a great way for me to learn and improve my skills.

Good point.

That, and I guess I have a thing for having successful, older men at my feet begging for the opportunity to amuse me.

Mmm...YES!

Granted, I don't much experience with this, but there definitely is something about an older, accomplished (or very masculine, physically much larger, etc.) man yielding to my will. It's a delicious contrast and accentuation of the power differential, I think.

I do have to say I have an upper age limit, though. If the difference is too much, which basically amounts to being much closer to my parents age, I can't envision getting excited by being involved with them in any way. Likewise, I'm squicked by the thought of being with anyone under 21, although I can see the appeal of the eagerness, novelty and flexibility that may come with younger subs.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Just want to give you a lot of credit for even considering him with the age difference. A good portion older women in general seem eager to dismiss men younger than 22 as automatically immature. As a nearly-21-year-old myself, I get discouraged when I see that people perceive younger males as just horny, ignorant and immature. (While I'm often guilty of the first, I'd like to think the other two are territories I enter only as much as any other normal human being.)

Anyway, good luck with your decision.

As I said earlier in the thread, my concerns were not so much about his age per se, but about the power issues that come with the age difference in this particular case.

And obviously, if he had given me the impression of being a horny, ignorant and immature boy only looking for a 'kinky' lay, I wouldn't even have started the conversation with him.

I get where you're coming from and your frustrations, but to be honest, I have to say that most 19 years old boys I've met in my life -- and maybe even more so of the 'submissive' kind -- fit the description of horny, ignorant (or clueless) and immature. Which is not a bad thing in itself, and something most will get past at some point, but yeah, not exactly attractive to me.

 

[unfoundiamond]

okay...

So, when I was talking about sexual prime I didn't mean intercourse was a must, I just ment you two may be well matched as far as you are both in your "sexual prime," though you made it clear that is not the main course... I am foolish to assume sex was included in the activites...

I find myself feeling like I should be taking your advice...

Who are you worried about prepetrating the "abuse" you reffered to??

I noticed you brought up all the ways you are more expirienced than him, and I was thinking- isn't that why older women get with the younger ones, they don't need a father figure to follow, they want to follow a fine ass, tight bodied, stiff dick... someone fun, the guy may have less money than a older man, they are worth their weight in gold if you want sex... (My second fiancee was one of these, great in bed and strong and fun)
All this older man younger woman stuff reminds me of the movie "Alfie" (Bad in case you missed it)

I just think maybe its gonna be a better match than you thought...

 

[DeservingBitch]

Granted, I don't much experience with this, but there definitely is something about an older, accomplished (or very masculine, physically much larger, etc.) man yielding to my will. It's a delicious contrast and accentuation of the power differential, I think.

Indeed.

I do have to say I have an upper age limit, though. If the difference is too much, which basically amounts to being much closer to my parents age, I can't envision getting excited by being involved with them in any way. Likewise, I'm squicked by the thought of being with anyone under 21, although I can see the appeal of the eagerness, novelty and flexibility that may come with younger subs.

I don't tend to think in terms of age limits: if i'm attracted to you or you trigger my Toppy self, I'll consider playing with you. I guess for me it's somewhat similar to my gender non-discrimination policy: I don't care about what kind of pink bits you're sporting, as long as we're on the same kink waves. But then again, I'm talking mostly about play-partners here, whom I usually don't have sex with. When looking for a lover/partner, I'm much more picky!