Age And Experience...When Do They Start Matching Up?

[BiBunny]

I've been hesitating about posting this because I don't know how to word it without sounding offensive, though I truly don't mean for it to be (believe it or not). I'll just say right off that if I offend, I'm sorry, and I didn't mean it.

The (wo)manhunt is on in Bunny-land. I've been doing my best to find a nice sub or six to spend time with and play with if the chemistry's right. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that my rather annoying anxiety in social situations has kind of forced me to look online for the Holy Grail of BDSM--a sub I actually like. So, yes, before you say it, I know right off the bat that most of them aren't suitable, to put it delicately.

The problem is that most of the people who are in my desired age bracket (21 to about 35, though I will make exceptions for exceptional people) are rank beginners. Now, I don't have a problem with this in and of itself because we all have to start somewhere, I know. But, on the other hand, I don't always want to be the one doling out Baby's First Spanking, either.

I'm not holding myself up as the paragon of worldly BDSM experience, either. But compared to other younger folks, particularly under the age of 30, I tend to have a thousand times the experience they have. (I must be one of the precocious ones.) Again, I know everyone has to start somewhere, but when every freaking conversation about kinks you have with these people goes something like this:

Me: What kinds of things are you interested in?

Them: I don't know. I've never tried any of it.

Me: Well, what kinds of things do you think you'd be interested in? What intrigues you, just from pics or descriptions?

Them: I'm not sure.

(More random bullshit. When the other person invariably turns the conversation back to kink, it continues on in this kind of vein.)

Me: Have you ever tried [insert relatively tame "kinky" thing here] while you were masturbating or anything, just to see if it's really as fun as it seems?

Them: Well, no, not really.

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE IDEA OF HAVING SOME CHICK TIE YOU TO THE BED AND GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB?

Ok, well, I don't actually say that last part, but I'm often tempted.

I realize that the pool I'm looking in is pretty heavy on the HNGs and the bored 'nilla boys in relationships. I'm usually fairly good at weeding them out quickly, so the kinds of people I have conversations like the above with seem to be nice guys, but I'm getting sort of tired of it.

I'm not really sure what my main objection to the rank newbie is, but there it is. I guess maybe it's kind of a "Well, if you don't know what you want, then how the fuck am I supposed to know?" kind of thing. It gets frustrating at times.

I guess what I'm looking for is someone who's experienced enough to basically know what he (or she, though it's usually men who are guilty of this kind of thing) is looking for. I'm not here to be your babysitter, your therapist, or your mama!

So the main point of this rather rambly post is this: Will this get better as I get older? (I'm 24, FWIW.) Or when I'm in my 30s, am I going to start getting the middle-aged divorced folks who want to try something new to spice up their sex lives, putting me right back in the same boat again? I mean, right now, I could look outside my age range, but I'm just not interested in a 60-year-old sub, know what I mean? I know all people's experiences are different, of course, but is there a point where I can start reasonably expecting the folks I talk to to have a general working knowledge of their kinks? Or is it going to be hit-and-miss forever? If that be the case, I may shoot myself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

HAng in there and you hopefully will be rewarded. My daughter went to her first 3 day Midori workshop at 22, bought her first crop around 17, seriously cross dressed her first male (then took him out on show) around 15, so she is also still youthful at just turned 25, but with a wealth of real experiences to her credit.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Hm.

Try offline as much as you can stand. I've met a lot of people in their 20's who would laugh at my novice status. You WILL find someone whose experience matches yours or who at least brings a lot of really hot masochistic desires to the table, not tie and slap stuff. Infinitely harder online, but still possible, too. I just think you'll have to do more wading, because it's the quintessential safe spot for those just contemplating.

Most of my better msub contacts have been 50's and divorced and been and done. Most of my femsub/fembottom contacts have been 20something masochistic and ballsy.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeahhh, there are a lot of young guys on CM and other sites who are not really into BDSM. They just want to get laid.

 

[Homburg]

Even in my limited experience in GenPop I've run into people that run the gamut insofar as age/experience is concerned. I've played with a 39yr old that had never had her ass spanked, and a 19yr old that had been at it for years. In my eyes, age and experience do not neceesarily correlate. I look for maturity and compatibility and don't sweat the rest all that much. (That said, I'm just talking play-partners, not subs I want to keep)

Another possible reason for what you are experiencing is locale. If there is not an active scene where you are, the chance of finding experienced players is probably lessened.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I think I understand what you longing for and yes it must be anoying at times talk to people who knows shit about BDSM.

When I get to know my current Master I knew totaly nuthing about BDSM and D/s relationship's, but I at least knew what I like, what are my sexual fantasies, what I am longing for, what turns me on and what do I looking for.

I get to know my Master after I started the thread "Is this what online D/s relationship is all about??" I was bored of sex with my men and I had some idea what I might like actualy so I wanted give it a try, now I am glad I did cuz I enjoying being his sub to no end. After I started that thread he PM me and explain many things to me for what I was/am grateful.

Talk to me was like talk to a child that just get a new toy and learning how to use it right, understand how it works and all that. He was very nice to me and willing to explain things to me, willing to teach me things and quide me and help me on my journey of exploring my submissive side I just discoverd that time. He told me many things and asked many questions and with the way he treated me I had no prob to answear whatever he asked me. Then he asked him to tell him whats on my mind in due to BDSM and I shared myself with him just how I felt it. Pour out my heart to him was easy cuz he is a good listener and guess I needed that. Open up to him was nice and the best thing I ever did cuz I enjoy him as my Master very much.

When I filled up the checklist for him I felt really dumb cuz I had totaly no experience in this life style, somehow he liked that too. He liked the fact he will be the first one who will show me things, let me experience things and quide me on this journey and I was more than willing to let him and accept someone so nice and caring as my dominant and I must say I've never regret I did it cuz he's amazing man and a great dominant.

I was very shy on the begining, but he made me feel like I knew him for years. Share myself with him was just nice and I enjoyed telling him anything about me, about things I like and want, about things I am longing for etc etc, it was just easy cuz he cared. He wanted know how I feel for real, he wanted know what I like for real. All I did was just say it loud, well write it to him actualy, and I did cuz he made this sharing myself with him as easy as possible for me and I must say theres nuthing he dunno about me now.

I was with my ex for 15 years, but he dunno me so well as my Master does. He dont cuz he never cared and never really listened to me. My Master knows cuz he did. He did listen to me, listen to what I say and sometimes even to what I didnt say.

I am not much sharing person. Theres just few peeps who really knows me and just only one person who knows really everything about me and thats my Master. Few days ago my Master asked me why him, why it took him to break my walls down. I told him "Because you cared and was willing to listen to me. Those walls are not down tho, I just let you come in." For the rest of the world I am still behind a great wall, even for old friends of mine, and honestly I am not feeling like getting out anytime soon.

I rarely let people get so close to me, get to know me that well as my Master does. I am glad he knows me that well tho. I love it and enjoy it, but I fear it as well cuz I know how it feels like when someone betry your trust and I am just not willing to go thro that again. I know I am safe with my Master, but for the rest I am closed.


Your experiences are surely many for a person of your age, I can just dream about everything you had, but if you take the time with someone, with someone sharing and willing to learn, you might be nicely suprised into what you can mold such a newbie as me or some of those male sub's you spoke with. I knew nuthing, but I can say my Master enjoy me very much, so I think the time he spend on teaching me and exlapining things to me is worth it.

good luck with your search!


~Kate

 

[DarkhairedLady]

So the main point of this rather rambly post is this: Will this get better as I get older? (I'm 24, FWIW.) Or when I'm in my 30s, am I going to start getting the middle-aged divorced folks who want to try something new to spice up their sex lives, putting me right back in the same boat again? I mean, right now, I could look outside my age range, but I'm just not interested in a 60-year-old sub, know what I mean? I know all people's experiences are different, of course, but is there a point where I can start reasonably expecting the folks I talk to to have a general working knowledge of their kinks? Or is it going to be hit-and-miss forever? If that be the case, I may shoot myself.

i'm in my 30's and..hmm i think pretty much i'm in the same boat as you are. so at least on my end, it's still this huge pool of possibilities that i must wade through. more often then not, coming up short. so i don't think it will change..you'll just be more expirienced...still

but good luck and you do sound very proactive in your search. so i don't think you'll remain empty handed for long. try some meditation inbetween searches for the 'one'

 

[Netzach]

There is also the chemistry factor - you may meet someone who hasn't done squat SM wise but really fits the mold you are looking for, with whom you communicate well. I look for really strong communication, someone I'm simpatico with across the board - more than I do experience. I want someone who's going to filter the experiences that we have together in a way that interests me. I guess compatible sexual attitudes are important. I'm never going to do well with someone who's locked into a "sex is dirty" mindset, because I've never come from that place myself so strongly, I don't know what to do with that, whereas other people can overcome the hang up or have a lot more fun with it than I would.

 

[minx1]

I am probably one of the people to you describe Bibunny. Though I have to point out...I'm not ashamed to be lol. I'm 38 and have only been involved in BDSM for 16 months or so.
When someone would ask me what I liked...I would pretty much give the answer you describe 'i don't know'....not much fun I know. But the truth. I wasn't a hng I just didn't know......I'm still not 100%! *laugh*
Ok there were somethings I had an idea I would like, but I wasn't certain. Its difficult to know if you haven't actually done any of them eh.
Also initially I found it quite intimidating to tell someone who I didn't know too well or who were experienced in BDSM, what I thought I would like.


I do understand your frustration though. Will it get better? well I doubt it... unless people stop discovering BDSM later in life.
I guess what i am trying to say is that there is only one way to become more experienced and thats by trying things often with people like yourself....who know what they are doing.

Lol. Think of it as a good deed to man and womankind

 

[graceanne]

Some of them are just hng's, but some just might be uncomfortable talking about it. When it's new it's sometimes still hard to say 'I WANT . . .'. You might get further if you ask specific questions, or have them fill out one of those limits forms. Instead of 'what do you like' ask 'are you interested in spanking', 'are you interested in anal play', etc.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, guys. There is no "local" scene where I am. The closest is about an hour and a half away and, having met some of the regulars before, I have no desire to try to become involved. And I definitely know that looking online for a sub is like trying to catch a shark in the river.

That being said, I'm moving to an area that does, in fact, have a local scene before too terribly long. I hope that'll improve my chances, for sure. And I have met some intriguing people, even going about the search like this. I guess I'm not so much annoyed by the lack of experience as the lack of initiative. It's fine if you've never been hung from the ceiling; I've never done it, either. But, damn, you say you might be interested in nipple clamps, but you've never popped a couple of clothespins on while you were jacking off to see if you like the sensation or not? Hell, I first did that shit when I was 10 or 11!

And, like Netz said, I've never had this "sex is dirty" hangup like some people have, so I have no idea how to deal with that. I'm one of those people who, when something interests me, I have to try it, even in a limited way. I don't want to sit back and let someone do all the work, so I can't relate to people who are like that. Maybe it's more of a matter of incompatible personalities than incompatible experiences and interests.

 

[Bandit58]

When Sir and I met, I was 45 and had absolutely NO BDSM experience whatsoever. In fact I was still very sexually inexperienced even though I'd been married for 23 years and had had only 4 male partners before Him.

He has really enjoyed showing me things and I've discovered a lot about myself. He has taken His time with me and I've loved every minute When we met He had been a practising Dominant for over 10 years and had had several playmates, but no live in 24/7 until me. We started out in the bedroom but over time it has moved out into everyday life.

Even after 4 years I still can't say I am an "experienced" sub. What one may call experienced another might find quite the opposite. It depends on what each person's expectations are as well. I would probably not mesh well with someone who is into what I call "extreme" play like knives or needles.

 

[SweetErika]

I started out with a pretty clear idea of the age range I wanted, too.

That wasn't working for me, so I switched to only going by how their profile, initial contact or personality struck me initially. At that point, I'll look at the age, pic, them in person, etc., and see if it squicks me. From what I can tell, at 27, 45 is about my upper limit - anything older than that is getting too close to my parents' age for my personal comfort. It's a similar deal with the under-22 crowd.

I've found 30-45 year olds usually have some kind of experience, even if it's very limited, and are still close enough to my maturity and life experience levels that we can relate, have good conversations, etc. Of course that doesn't mean I don't find A LOT of guys in that range who are just looking to get off, are only interested in THEIR fantasies or are immature lunatics; I've just found that to be the demographic I'm most likely to enjoy spending kinky and conventional time with.

The guy I'm talking to now is turning 40 in a couple of weeks and has VERY limited experience. However, we have great platonic chemistry, conversations and it's clear he both knows what he's interested in and open-minded about exploring things that don't trip his trigger just now. He considers himself a slave, even though he's only bottomed a few times, but his explanation for why makes complete sense.

I don't know where this will go, but if I'd stuck with my original age limits and he IS a diamond in the rough, I'd completely be missing out. And, really, I find the prospect of working with an emptier slate to be very exciting. He's likely to bring fresh perspectives to the table and hasn't become set in his, or any PYLs', ways yet, which could be pretty cool.

Anyway, I'm sure you WILL find who you're looking for if you look for ideas and personality instead of numbers. Don't settle, of course, but be flexible and keep a positive mindset and sense of humor when you meet jackass after jackass (in my experience, those who have revealed themselves to be asses after meeting in person have been the ones who looked really good on paper and at the initial meet(s) - attractive, charming, good job, a fair amount of experience, etc. ). Hopefully you'll find someone(s) in your area soon, but otherwise, you'll really hone your sorting skills and have another reason to look forward to moving!

Best of luck to you, Bunny. It's definitely a jungle out there, as you well know, and FWIW, those who get your Dommely attentions are very lucky pyls indeed!

 

[unfoundiamond]

I was told by someone...

I thought of my age and power dynamics, with my relationships

I was talking to Him about flogging, He said He hadn't done it much,

I began to worry a little (I am the young one as we all know, and I was worrying HIS lack of prior expirience made me worry)

I thought instantly that He may not be as good as the last playpartner...

He told me this: I may not have the most expirience, but since I don't have a lot of expirience, you can teach me exactly what you want, and my style will reflect your needs, making it "custom tailored"

I just think that personality is most important...

People with the right personality can cross age and gender lines...

As far as finding young people who know what they want...

Most people in general don't know what they want...

My soon to be girlfriend, Amanda has been learning and researching about BDSM since she found out I like to have more extreme sex...
She is like me, more expirience with topping than Domination, but She has heart...

She is passionate, and caring... and untill me she made it almost 27 years without meeting someone into as rough and kinky as I am, and I am 21...

I know what I want, and I preffer to find someone offline that is willing to please, but kinky is a must....
now I realize finding someone who likes to BE spanked is harder than finding someone to spank me (for lack of a better example)

But...

You can always use the spanking as a punishment, insted of a reward, if you can't find a masochist...(Joke...) (*giggle*)

GoodLuck Bunny...

I understand your position... I can't seem to find a female Dom...
It makes it harder when there is not really a "local scene"

I have a friend who tells me Florida has no scene to speak of... apparantly if we where all in Boston, or some other metropolis, wed have many more to wade through...

 

[madetotakeit]

When someone would ask me what I liked...I would pretty much give the answer you describe 'i don't know'....not much fun I know. But the truth. I wasn't a hng I just didn't know......I'm still not 100%! *laugh*
Ok there were somethings I had an idea I would like, but I wasn't certain. Its difficult to know if you haven't actually done any of them eh.
Also initially I found it quite intimidating to tell someone who I didn't know too well or who were experienced in BDSM, what I thought I would like.

Being on the same side, I agree with this completely. It is difficult being newly aware and being able to write off the checklist of what you are into. Will I like the feeling of a crop? I don't know. Ask me again once I have felt it. Have I wondered what it would feel like? You betcha. I find it difficult to know for sure until I have first hand knowledge. But, I am open minded and willing to find out.

Finding someone who is willing to take into consideration compatibility, maturity, and desire to learn over actual experience is difficult at best. I understand the hesitancy to want to take the gamble and give the newbie a chance. It is as big of a dice roll as the newbie choosing the first PYL. Sometimes it doesn't work from the outset, sometimes it is a great experience and goes no further, and on that rare occasion it can be a great and wonderful thing. It just takes the willingness of both parties to take that chance. Being one of those dreaded "no serious experience newbies" I keep the faith it can happen eventually.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm kind of an odd one as far as age and experience. By the time I had been involved with bdsm for 6 months I had already experienced more than most of the ones that I knew who were in it for years. My life experience seems to be the same way. At 24 I have experienced things that most 35-40 year olds have not yet.

I think a lot of people must feel the same as you bunny, because I tend to attract a crowd that treat me like a rare commodity, experience in a young package. I think this is also why I tend to relate more to older people and my age range tends to be 35-45 when I do start looking at age. I can't say that I am totally unbiased to age, when they start getting close to 50 I start thinking about the pain that my mom went thru taking care of my step father as he died. I give younger guys a chance, but most of the time I just don't relate to them, and if all we have to talk about is bdsm, I tend to loose interest quickly.

but I agree, age and experience tends to be all over the spectrum. while one 35 year old is just stepping their foot in, there's a 21 year old with 3 slaves of his own. I think the question is when does age give your experience credibility? I have seen the 19 year olds who have owned slaves already and are extreamly knowledgable, and I go "ppphhssst, yeah right!" and I know a lot of people discredit me on a number of levels because my age does not match my experience.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Well you also have to factor in how intense you are to them. I have scared away more than my fair share as I can be very intense. And if they are new they just haven't experienced the flooding of emotions that happens when they do let go of those barriers inside them. So agree maturity is a very good trait to seek.

 

[SweetErika]

I have a friend who tells me Florida has no scene to speak of... apparantly if we where all in Boston, or some other metropolis, wed have many more to wade through...

I'd guess your friend is either way out in the sticks, or hasn't looked very hard if they think there's no scene in the state of Florida.

Googling 'BDSM Florida' alone yields plenty of results.

And I seem to recall Marquis talking about a scene in his area.

 

[Primalex]

So the main point of this rather rambly post is this: Will this get better as I get older? (I'm 24, FWIW.)

No. Sorry.

You will just get better in weeding them out early, so it _feels_ like it would get better.

 

[Life_Noir]

Nah..It never really gets any easier..*lol* Just what you wanted to hear right?

Hmmm Experience, I am sure you have realized by now...Has squat to do with age...

*sigh*

It's sort of like that oft quoted set of statistics on falling in love... Something about being more likely to be struck by lightning..

But then again..If you don't go fishing...You won't EVER catch a fish..

 

[Chicklet]

I hate to say the obvious, but everyone you meet is going to be different. There's a wide variety of people; some experienced, some inexperienced, some young, some old, and you're going to end up talking to a great number of each category.

It's really, REALLY frustrating to try to find someone online because you don't have the mind-numbing lust-at-first-sight you get in real life... In real life when you meet someone and they are so attractive to you, mentally or physically, you sort of ignore the context of what they're saying and forgive whatever experience, or lack of, they have. Online, everything about people, especially the way they word their thoughts and express their desires, becomes a LOT more critical.

In my experience online searches are 99.999% frustration, but that leaves room for the one special person you get to play with and reject later.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I hate to say the obvious, but everyone you meet is going to be different. There's a wide variety of people; some experienced, some inexperienced, some young, some old, and you're going to end up talking to a great number of each category.

It's really, REALLY frustrating to try to find someone online because you don't have the mind-numbing lust-at-first-sight you get in real life... In real life when you meet someone and they are so attractive to you, mentally or physically, you sort of ignore the context of what they're saying and forgive whatever experience or lack of they have. Online, everything about people, especially the way they word their thoughts and express their desires, becomes a LOT more critical.

In my experience online searches are 99.999% frustration, but that leaves room for the one special person you get to play with and reject later.

Have to agree. I am more about the person and how we click than any list of accomplishments or ability to list likes and dislikes in an educated way. When we look for subs to play with, being a novice is not what puts us off but how they handle themselves, where their heads are at (such as enthusiasm and some common sense), and a willingness to explore. Some people are just not good at expressing themselves, or need time to get to know someone better before they feel comfortable opening themselves up to what they might deem a judgemental situation in terms of measuring up. It can also be a matter of attitude or vibes they get off the person they are speaking to as to how much they are able to or willing to reveal. I actually find a lot of novice subs refreshing. Topping them can be equally refreshing and even a learning experience as not all people react the same in various situations....the more you explore, the more experience and insight you gain yourself, and as I am a great believer no-one ever knows everything, there is always room for expansion of knowledge.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Nah..It never really gets any easier..*lol* Just what you wanted to hear right?

Hmmm Experience, I am sure you have realized by now...Has squat to do with age...

*sigh*

It's sort of like that oft quoted set of statistics on falling in love... Something about being more likely to be struck by lightning..

But then again..If you don't go fishing...You won't EVER catch a fish..

*Sigh* Can I just lust after you, then?

Seriously, thanks, everyone, for your responses. Y'all basically said what I'd been thinking to myself anyway. But, hey, it's gotta get better some time, right?

 

[sexycaz22]

*smiles* If I am honest, when I first started out chatting with Doms, I did say "I don't know...." but then I did some more research and looked/read some BDSM stories and looking more deeply at my sexual fantasies. Then my very first play partner asked, "What do you really want to try first?" and I thought very carefully, before saying "spanking" and it started from there!

To the question; as some of you will know, I am now wanting to explore my PYL side and seeing if I would like it and is currently chatting with some lovely male subs, and I don't ask about their BDSM interests, instead, I ask about other interests before moving onto BDSM interests, and some subs would say "I don't know" and I usually ask about specific activities or I talk about my experiences as a sub, to make them feel comfortable about them telling me about their fantasies etc. This works, usually! Of course, more than often, I chatted with HNGs :yikes: but now I am meeting with one male sub this Friday for my very first session as a Domme.....

Basically, it takes time, patience and more time! (I know...patience can be tiresome, sometimes!!)

I wish you all the best of luck!

 

[smotherman]

Yeahhh, there are a lot of young guys on CM and other sites who are not really into BDSM. They just want to get laid.

Exactly! most of those guys have no concept of what BDSM is. My profile is on myspace.com and CM. I underline if anyone is interested in learning BDSM etc to drop me an message. I'm getting messages from other guys saying and I quote:


Dude so tell me is BDSM the fastest way to get laid!

It is really sad!