afraid of commitment

rosebud5446

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Sep 14, 2005
Posts
402
this is really complicated, so if you have any questions, just ask, so i dont make an unecessarily long post...
blah. i don't even know where to start or what to say...

well, here's the basics of it... i live with a fwb/bf (we don't even know really what to call it, and this even kind of puts stress on the whole situation, and we really do love each other, but everytime we start falling hard for eachother, he starts to get distant, and i ask what's wrong, and basically, he doesn't want commitment ..not even necessarily commitment, but to 'let himself get too close' because he's scared of getting hurt, and pushes himself away, and we try to take things more casually. it's really annoying, because i never have had to , and don't like to hide my feelings and whatnot. he says that besides getting hurt, he doesn't want me to get pregnant or something, and then have to drop out of school and become a mechanic or something and get married... it just really frustrates me, because i just don't want to miss out on what could have been/could be still i guess... we did agree today, that living together is making it more complicated, because we feel obligated to have sex and stuff, and something is wrong if we go like a week without sex, it just seems like we're already an old married couple because he wont allow much romance, and everything can be so mundane... so i will be moving into a dorm hopefully soon, which i think will make things better, but it's like even though he's not showing me NEARLY all his feelings, he can be pretty loving, and if we love being together like we are, things are going to be a million times better i feel if he would just let himself go with it blah, i'm going on and on... i'll shut up now... really, any input is GREATLY appreciated.
 
rosebud5446 said:
this is really complicated, so if you have any questions, just ask, so i dont make an unecessarily long post...
blah. i don't even know where to start or what to say...

well, here's the basics of it... i live with a fwb/bf (we don't even know really what to call it, and this even kind of puts stress on the whole situation, and we really do love each other, but everytime we start falling hard for eachother, he starts to get distant, and i ask what's wrong, and basically, he doesn't want commitment ..not even necessarily commitment, but to 'let himself get too close' because he's scared of getting hurt, and pushes himself away, and we try to take things more casually. it's really annoying, because i never have had to , and don't like to hide my feelings and whatnot. he says that besides getting hurt, he doesn't want me to get pregnant or something, and then have to drop out of school and become a mechanic or something and get married... it just really frustrates me, because i just don't want to miss out on what could have been/could be still i guess... we did agree today, that living together is making it more complicated, because we feel obligated to have sex and stuff, and something is wrong if we go like a week without sex, it just seems like we're already an old married couple because he wont allow much romance, and everything can be so mundane... so i will be moving into a dorm hopefully soon, which i think will make things better, but it's like even though he's not showing me NEARLY all his feelings, he can be pretty loving, and if we love being together like we are, things are going to be a million times better i feel if he would just let himself go with it blah, i'm going on and on... i'll shut up now... really, any input is GREATLY appreciated.

Go to the library & get a book called "he's just not that into you.' It has a pink & green cover. It will make you laugh at your boy & want a new one.

*hugs*
 
Sounds like my old college boyfriend. :rolleyes:

Mine got over it, after 5 years together and then when we were engaged, I got over him. When he finally 'let go' with all his feelings? Yeesh - I couldn't handle his feelings: he was passive aggressive, paranoid depressive. Not that I'm saying your boyfriend is those things, although it kinda sounds like he shows some of those symptoms...excessive fear of pregnancy and dropping out to be a mechanic, keepin you close but pushing you away, getting distant (which he knows upsets you) instead of dealing with the issues, not seeing a future for you together but not really wanting to end the relationship...

Sweets, I know (I know) you really care about this guy and you see so much that is good in your relationship and believe IF ONLY he'd relax, you'd have a great relationship. Thing is, IF ONLY may never happen. In the meantime, what do you have?

There are guys out there who would welcome a relationship with a great girl who cares about him, and those guys will return the feelings and the affection without reservation. It's really, really wonderful when you're with one of those guys. I think you might be better off getting on with your life and meeting one of them - you'll see how much better it is!

Good luck - you deserve more and better!

:rose:
 
watergirl said:
Go to the library & get a book called "he's just not that into you.' It has a pink & green cover. It will make you laugh at your boy & want a new one.

*hugs*
Agreed.

I hate to say it but, it sounds to me like this guy is just sticking around for the sex.
 
the thing is, he's always the one to say 'i love you' first, and will mention things that make me think that he loves me alot more than i love him... i'll still read that book though, at the very least, it will teach me things about guys i wouldn't have known otherwise and make me laugh...

and i like to keep my options open too, but i've been in this damn town for 7 years, and have found no one else i can connect to, so i kind of like i don't have much hope here right now, so i'll stay with the one guy i have found that i get along great and have fun with, because as long as i'm here i won't find anyone else, so it's harder for me to let him go...
 
phoenix1224 said:
Agreed.

I hate to say it but, it sounds to me like this guy is just sticking around for the sex.
Well of course he is...they're friends with benefits! ;) (Rosebud, if you don't know/can't agree on how to classify your relationship, it's not THAT kind of relationship)

rosebud5446 said:
the thing is, he's always the one to say 'i love you' first, and will mention things that make me think that he loves me alot more than i love him... i'll still read that book though, at the very least, it will teach me things about guys i wouldn't have known otherwise and make me laugh...

and i like to keep my options open too, but i've been in this damn town for 7 years, and have found no one else i can connect to, so i kind of like i don't have much hope here right now, so i'll stay with the one guy i have found that i get along great and have fun with, because as long as i'm here i won't find anyone else, so it's harder for me to let him go...
Do you think it's possible he's telling you he loves you to keep you around, or make you feel guilty for bringing up certain topics, wanting a commitment, etc.? Or, are you potentially reading more into what he says than what he really means?

You're 19, right? For a big chunk of the past seven years, you were a child, and weren't looking for someone to connect with on this level. So, why do you think there's no one else? You live (or at least are close to) in a fairly large city, don't you? How many people have you dated?How much time have you spent on your own, seeing what's out there?

I PROMISE there are many men you will connect with, who will treat you well, share their feelings, love you back, and not fear commitment after you've been dating for awhile. The only catch is that you have to be willing to find them, date some who aren't right for you, step outside your comfort zone a little, and not fear being alone so much.

Growing up is about experiencing and learning, and dating is about finding what you don't and do want. It sounds to me like you're just experiencing and starting to figure out what you're not looking for.

Bottom line: You're staying with him by default, even though you know you're not right for eachother in a romantic capacity. How fair is that to either of you? By all means, stay friends and fuck when you want, but both of you need to get out there and find mates who will make you happy in the meantime. If you don't, it will just bring more and more frustration and heartache.
 
watergirl said:
Go to the library & get a book called "he's just not that into you.' It has a pink & green cover. It will make you laugh at your boy & want a new one.

*hugs*

Great book! I had kinda forgotten about it, but now that you bring it up, I think I'm going to get a copy for mydaughter for Christmas... ;)
 
actually, i'll be 21 soon btw...

no i honestly don't think i'm reading more into his feelings and making them out to be more than they are, and i know he wouldn't just say those things to keep me around because we've been friends for the past 5 years

and i moved to this godforsaken town when i was 14, so even though at the beginning i wasn't searching for much really, just a first bf, i know EVERY single guy within 4 years of my age, and for the most part, they're all dicks and wouldn't even consider hanging out with them, except possibly seeing them at a party or something by chance. and sure there's a big city nearby, but i'm not going to look for guys that live 2 hours away from me.

i did have 1 serious boyfriend when i was 16, but haven't since then, so i have been alone for the past 4 years... and i could be alone longer... i don't need a boyfriend, but i def. prefer one.

i'm not saying that i'm never going to connect with anyone, anywhere, but until i get out of this shithole, there really isn't much hope. i did move away for about a year after high school, to colorado, and then to dallas, and believe me, the selection of men was MUCH better than it is here... here, everyone does meth and shit, because it's a small town and theres nothing else to do, and everyone (for the most part) is throwing their lives away, and i don't want to be with any one that doesn't have ambition.

the thing is we do have romantic feelings for eachother and it's mutual, but at the same time, really, i know that he isn't the man for me. but he is closer to 'the one' than anyone else i have ever met. we're just extremely compatible people... i'm not saying i want a serious 'we're gonna get married and have babies' kind of realationship, because i know we wont, but i want to experience it as much as i can, because it will help us learn more of what we really do want, and mabye some more about ourselves. and i'm sure we'll both feel hurt when it's all over, but you get hurt in life, that's what happens, it's like the more i get hurt, the more i learn, in any case, romantic or otherwise, so i think its a fair trade to have so much happiness, and learning from the experience, that the hurt is worth it. and no matter how hurt i've been in the past from anything, i've always been able to look into somewhat of a brightside, and even though i can't make all my bad feelings go away, i can tell myself it's not the end of the world, no matter how bad the thing was that happened. i guess that's why he's scarred of getting hurt, because he doesn't have those coping skills... but it's extreemly hard for us to be around eachother and have sex, without feeling some emotional attachment... and i don't think we have the willpower to give up either the sex or the friendship, because there's no way in hell we won't be friends, and we aren't going to be able to not have sex if we see each other...

oh and who said that 'he's sticking around for the sex'...well, to tell you the truth, if he wasn't so damn good in bed, i probably wouldn't be with him either, so we're both equally bad.

btw... if i sound like a bitch or something i'm sorry, i'm jsut trying to make a point, whether or not i'm making any sense, if i'm not, i know you'll all call me on it, because i do know i'm young and stupid, but it's how i feel, whether or not i'm right, but i do really appreciate you guys helping..
 
Okay, but here's where you lose me, rosebud: You say you're sticking around for the sex, you know it's not headed anywhere serious, it's hard to not make an emotional attachment with the friendship and fucking...things like that which indicate a casual/non-commitment minded attitude.

BUT then you talk about your frustration over "what might have been/will be," being upset over his fear of commitment to you and actions that seemingly aren't "boyfriend behavior," wonder if he's thinking marriage sometimes, and it seems like you really consider a having a future together.

Do you see how these are kinda contradictory? My impression is that you're saying the first stuff (that it's temporary/casual), but you really feel and wantthe second kind (long-term/serious). I can definitely sympathise because I've been in a similar situation, and it's very messy. My experience was that I was saying things, trying to convince and make my feelings match because it'd be easier on me. However, that didn't work very well at all. What did work was changing the relationship. Yes, it was painful for a bit, but we were able to move to a place where we kept the good: the friendship and the sex.

It sounds like you have a really good opportunity to transition in moving to the dorm. You don't have to end the friendship or the sex, but both of you should come up with your real expectations for the relationship...if his are companionship and sex, and yours is a boyfriend (companionship, sex, and boyfriend feelings, commitment, and behavior), then you're going to continue to have problems. If you can move to a place where you really just have and expect a FWB who you can express your love for in a friend-like way, then you'll be good.
 
the thing is, he's always the one to do all the boyfriendy stuff, wake up early to make me breakfast, buy me flowers, tell me he loves me, and i really like those things, but he starts to freak out that he's getting to attached... so i think the thing is, i like all these things (of course, actually, i love them), but i really don't want to be in a typical committed relationship, just a loving one i guess, but this freaks him out, and i get this confused because he wants to move away, but it makes me want to move closer than i really do. i just want to have a fun, loveing relationship, but keep it casual at the same time i guess. and him talking about how he's not getting into it as much as he says he could, it makes me think it could be even more fun i guess if we were lovey dovey all the time...
 
Well, yes, and it'd be more fun if my husband would be all romantic and demonstrative more frequently. But that's just not how it's going to be, so I only expect things that are realistic. Realistic expectations lead to happiness for me.

Perhaps you'd find it helpful to articulate your desires and expectations very simply for yourself and, if you choose, him. Then, take a very good look and see if they match your true feelings, are contradictory, and are realistic. If they're contradictory or unrealistic, you need to do some more considering and evaluate your options.
 
Y'know, there's always been this huge misconception about men being afraid of commitment. Its bullshit. The men who are acting in a way that would give this impression have no problem with commitment, they just need to know that they're getting a fair trade for their commitment.

And if you come across one that admits that he's afraid of commitment, he's not. He just already believes that the woman who wants the commitment from him doesn't bring enough to the table to make the trade valuable enough for him.

:cool:
 
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