Advise. Please.

[Never]

Not too long ago I bragged to a board member that I had been forced to deal with all of my fears and so couldn't be overcome by them. Those words have come back to haunt me today.

Earlier today my step-father told me to clean up around the house, to do as many chores as I could. I scrubbed the bathtub, sweep the downstairs and washed the dishes. But I didn't vacuum. He asked me to vacuum but I didn't.
So he's kicking me out of the house. I have until the end of the week.

All the money that I had saved from my previous job I've put into paying bills while I've looked for a job. Three years ago he promised me he'd always think of me as a daughter, a month ago he promised me he'd pay for my college, a week ago he promised he'd my bills for this month. Today he told me that this wasn't the life he envisioned for himself and it was time for me to start my own life.

While he said this my mother just took out a bottle of soda and began pouring herself a glass.

I'm twenty years old and I just learned that the woman I've worshipped and loved for all my life just.. just..

What did I do wrong? Why must I always be punished? I'm a good person, I don't deserve this. Life keeps beating me down and down and down and I've done nothing wrong!

Im someone has a suggestion I'd be real happy to hear it.

 

[Never]

All I want is someone to tell me it will be alright.

 

[Problem Child]

It will be alright.

You won't see this out of me very often, but...

(((hug)))

 

[morninggirl5]

It won't be the alright you've always expected, but you will be alright.


Take a serious look at your options, pick the most promising and never look back.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Renegade]

Never

All I want is someone to tell me it will be alright.

It'll be alright. Maybe not at first, and things may get worse, but you've always seemed like a resourceful person to me. Given time, everything will be alright. And I do mean that.

 

[MissTaken]

~hugs, Never~

Have you tried talking to your mother alone yet? Perhaps, she would be feel more comfortable supporting you in a 1:1 situation with your step dad. Sometimes, people (and I don't know your mom so can't speak for her), don't think well when caught on their heels. Furthermore, in some relationships, we, as women, have to know a strategy that works best in resolving difficult family issues with our spouse. Those strategies may include discussions behind closed doors as opposed to in front of you or spontaneously. (I hope I am making some sense. )

You mother may not have felt comfortable aligning herself with you in the immediacy of the situation. And the questions you asked, are great questions and maybe your mom needs to hear them.

Take care. Keep us posted.

~more hugs~

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm sorry, Never. But it WILL be alright. And as seldom as you see it from PC, I have to be close to being the most non-hugging person on this board.

(((Never))) (Is that even how you do it? )

A practical suggestion: Can you move back to your old "home" and ask for your old job back? You have a good excuse for going back- the move didn't work out with your family.

 

[Guest]

Never,
I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I hesitate giving any advice because I don't know you or much of your situation. I will say that you'll be ok. Try to look at your options and choose the option that will bring you some sense of security.

Good luck, hon.

 

[BlondGirl]

Never--I am sorry to hear this.

I was kicked out when I was pregnant and diagnosed with a life threatening illness and put on complete bedrest--so I can understand the anger and bewilderment of such an announcement.

How did you react at this announcement? Did you ask your mother what her thoughts were? Did you ask for an explanation from your step father?

Do you ahve friends you can stay with in the meantime?

If you were near me, I cold help you look for a living situation that would be decent until you were able to deal with it on your own.

 

[lickerish]

Maybe there is more to your step-father than you are aware of? Maybe your mother is afraid to speak up against him..

You are not alone here Never, plenty of people here care about you and your welfare..

It will be tough, but you will be alright.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I don't know the whole story or all of the circumstances, but I think I recognize a power play test when I see one. I think you were tested with the intention that you should fail and this be used as an excuse to kick you out.

Whether this is fair or not is not the issue to worry about - he has the power, the decision has been made, it is probably irreversible. Look ahead not back. Get out of there and on your own as quickly as possible. In the long run you will be a lot happier for it.

It will probably be hard at first, but eventually it will get better. I made a decision a longtime ago that I would never again be under anyone else's thumb, and I have always avoided such situations since - they are just too stressful.

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[ohiobbw]

(((HUGS))))


It will turn out alright Never. I've never been in this situation so I don't know what advice to give. All I can offer you is unlimited hugs and you are welcome to stay with me when I move out of my parents place (which won't be for almost another year, but next August, come on over!)

 

[KillerMuffin]

Your worst fear has come to pass... I hate it when that happens, personally.

No job and now, no home. Perhaps you could renegotiate with your stepfather? Set out some terms and sign a lease with him. The man cannot be a completely heartless beast. Your mother loves him, he must have some redeeming value. Sign a very specific lease that dictates what chores you will do, when you will do them, or what payment you will provide in return for your room and board. You should also set a time limit for moving out on your own. This gives you a deadline to find a job and find another place to live. Here's a hint, look in the paper for the words "roommate wanted."

For your end, have you fallen into depression? Depressed people do not manage their lives very well and they are a burden to those who love them. If you're depressed, you need to get some help to get past it.

You are 20 years old. If you'd been 16, that would be different. You are a very intelligent and very capable woman. I'm sure that you could do most anything you set your mind to, if you manage to face your fear and conquer it. Don't listen to that nasty little voice in your head that cuts you down, it lies to you. Regularly. You can come out of this little crisis a better person and happier for it, if you keep your chin up and your attitude focused fully on making a better life for yourself. There are a lot of trite expressions about lemons and stuff, but there very base is true, your attitude will make or break you.

Your stepfather doesn't owe you anything beyond the same decent courtesy and respect he owes every human being. You are living in his home, eating his food, and he's paying your bills. What do you owe him in return? Not to be a slave, that's certain, but you do owe a fair amount of chores and judicious job hunting.

There are other ways through college. He may not pay it, but student loans will cover expenses and so will a part time job. Thousands of people put themselves through college. Check with guidance counselors in your old high school for scholarships, there are literally hundreds of them.

Your stepfather just tossed you into the swimming pool of life. It's your choice now, sink or swim. And no, sinking isn't the right answer, no matter how easy it is.

Good luck, Never. I feel for you, I know what it's like to have to sink or swim and it's not fun.

 

[Rambling Rose]

Never, the dynamics in a relationship with a step-parent can leave you feeling like you have had the rug pulled out from under you in better circumstances than this. I was 15 when my single mother met her life partner. Up until the time that I was 29 (I am 36 now) he could still destroy the trust I built slowly with a few choice words. It put my mother at the center between us. You are young (younger than I realized) and at the same age I was when I moved out into the world. Sixteen years later I own my own home, have a dog and a cat, two cars and the beginnings of a true loving partnership with someone. It will all be ok but it's not an easy road. It's been a grand adventure, though. You are a strong young woman. You will get the help you need from unexpected sources. Walk proudly out into the world...we're all right behind you.

Laura
(who knows you better than you'd think given that I have been lurking here for a long long time)

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

I"m usualy not good with words so please don't get upset or mad at me if i say it wrong.

But mabey this is just what you need. yes it may look bad right now and my look bad for a while, but things will get better.

Me i'm going to be 23 and have been babied most of my life. I seem to rely on others alot, if I think about being on my own and think to myself "I'll never make it". But if i was forced to go of on my own There would be that will to prove myself and many others wrong and make it.

Just keep saying to yorself, I'm going to be fine and always try to see the good in whatever is happening no matter how bad it looks (casue there is always good there somwhere)

This may just turn out for the best

 

[Starfish]

Never, I don't know what to say that KM didn't say, but that I am sorry for you troubles, and that it is shitty of him to give you little notice like this.

You don't own a car, do you?
I've lived out of a car before, for a long time too.
I know how to do it well and what kind of places are safe to sleep at and what are not untill you get a job and place to live lined up.
I could give you tips about that sort of thing, but not about negotiations with unreasonable people.

Is it too late to run the vaccume cleaner and for him to give you a time extention?

Maybe other things are bothering him and this is displaced anger. He seems to have liked you, having made those promises.

I love you Never, I think you are a great person, and I want to help in anyway I can. I just don't know what you need.

I am always here, Never.

 

[Bigdog]

Never, there is a truckload of good advice in this thread. KillerMuffin in particular has some good insight for you.

I am a stepfather myself, so I understand some of the dynamics of raising girls without the bonds of blood. I can say from experience that it is really easy to go overboard with punishment. For some reason the balance of cause and effect is skewed very easily. Only years of experiece has taught me to NOT lay down consequences during an argument. Emotions overcome reason in the blink of an eye and you say things that are hurtful and mean, as opposed to the fair disipline you intended. On many an occasion I have had to retract my decisions or apologize for words spoken in the heat of anger.

I don't know the background of your life, but I know that kicking you out for not vacuuming is way excessive. Based on my experience, there is something else going on behind the scenes. Some factor somewhere has brought him to the flashpoint, causing him to explode toward you for the most minor infraction. My advice is to do everything in your power to lie low for a day and let his rage pass. Then you can approach the situation with him in a calm, civil manner. No tears, no anger, just well thought out questions and answers.

You are a good person, Never. I would love to have a stepdaughter like you. All I can do is offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Never]

I'm stablizing somewhat, I've cried in my room and gotten comfort from my friends. My head is throbing but in a way I feel lighter. It would be long and painfully boring to tell the board what has happened the last few months but I have been longing for escape for awhile now.

The escape I envisioned was to college but just because he is through with me doesn't mean that's not an option - even if it might be delayed for another year. Killer, I am in no way a burden, and no, I am not depressed nor have I been depressed lately.

I am sorry this is so brief but I'm mulling over many things right now.
Thank you for all the kind words.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I never thought you were darlin, but I bet he thinks so. I'm glad to hear you're not depressed. I am, so I tend to think everyone else is, too.

 

[PacificBlue]

It will be alright...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[Ask For More]

Just wanted to offer my support.

I know this isn't really much in the way of advice, but right now you have to have faith in yourself. You are the only person who can sort this out, and you have to believe in your own abilities to do so. Don't let things get you down, and try and keep a clear head so you can think reasonably and try to find the best way to work this out.

 

[lavender]

 

[Angel]

*Hugs Never*

You have a PM, darlin.