Advice wanted: How to handle bad feelings about sexual appetite

[MellowTone]

A quick disclaimer: This is not going to be the BDSMiest post I've written. I am in a D/s relationship, so there is that aspect of this issue to contend with. But, the main reason I'm posting here is because this is the place where I feel safest asking/learning about sexual relationships. Apologies to those whose knee-jerk reaction to my question will be "This isn't a BDSM issue, this is a relationship issue."

So here's what I'd like advice about: Recently, my boyfriend and I have had a disparity of sexual appetites. For some reason, I haven't been as interested in sex, at least not as frequently as our previous norm, but his interest has stayed the same. This has happened to me in previous relationships as well.

Often, meaning several times a week, a moment will happen that brings this issue to the surface. Just this morning, we were sharing an affectionate look, and I saw his expression evolve into one of desire. I quickly turned away, because I really didn't want anything to start. Then we both felt awkward.

In these moments, I feel extremely guilty for not sharing his desire. He also feels really guilty for WANTING when I don't want. Then we start apologizing to each other, which feeds each person's guilt, and we both end up feeling terrible.

We discussed it a couple of nights ago and thought it might be good to get some advice from this community. I know many of you are in (or have been in) successful long term relationships, and I'm sure this is a common enough problem for couples to have. How do/did you manage to deal with it without a lot of bad feelings that only perpetuate the problem?

(I could post a lot more detail about my history, our relationship, etc, but I thought I'd keep it relatively short and just supply additional information as it's requested.)

Thanks in advance!

 

[box13]

Given the little information here, it seems impossible to say. But I'm sure the differences in sex drive are pretty common for couples, with either gender being ahead or behind at different times. But having almost finished a book recommended by someone here a while back...Passionate Marriage...I'd only guess that you're dealing with some emotional issue that's getting in the way of your desire to be intimate.

Or else you're just using sex as a way to lure someone into your life to "love" you, but beyond that, you don't have much interest. There are asexual people out there. They have a website too, so not really trying to judge here, I'm just saying it's relatively normal as well.

I'm not in a D/s relationship, so I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, but if he want's you..and I'm assuming it's a "he" here, so sorry about that...then why do you get to say "no"? Maybe the dominate thing ain't dominate enough, and that's turning you off? I guess I'd be thinking that this girl needs a good spanking, and then we'll see about whether she "wants" it or not. But that's just me, and my own Midwestern fantasies and all.

Anyways, advice might be helpful, but I'm sure the answer is already in your head, once you get things sorted out. And people grow, change, re-think they're positions on things, so that's all pretty normal.

Hope things work out. Take care.

 

[Cycliste]

Hormones go up and down. They are affected by many things such as time of day, age, mood, depression, stress, medication, etc. If you have an underlying health issue, not feeling like yourself and it is affecting your quality of life, see a doctor or therapist.

As box13 mentioned, it could also be underlying issues that need to be addressed. If you are upset with him over something, it could come out as not wanting to be intimate. It is natural to not want to be intimate with someone that you have unresolved issues with.

If none of the above applies to you, then it is probably just a natural ebb and flow of hormones. It is impractical to think that partners' libidos will always be in sync. Each partner has separate stressors, turn ons and offs, moods, etc. Maybe once the apologizes start flowing, you both stop and recognize what it is...unnecessary. Work on changing your behavior - how you react to the situation. Catch yourself apologizing and then come up with something different to say - something that tells him you love him, care about his needs, and is positive reinforcement.

You can choose to handle the inequality any way that suits your relationship. As suggestions, you could have the "look but don't touch" policy. That could be taken as liberal or restrictive as you two decide. It could be just looking a erotic photos and porn to chatting, flirting, and interacting online. I have heard of others having an open relationship when libidos are extremely unequal. Hopefully that goes without saying to proceed with caution if involving other people.

Above all communicate, communicate, communicate. Your relationship needs a strong foundation of trust. You both need to have a confidence in yourself. You also need patience and understanding for both yourself and your partner.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Some thoughts of mine that are not conventional or anything you have to pay attention to;

My feeling personally is that a little dose of testosterone does any woman good. It's a precursor for estrogen, and after it's done that, what's left gets right into your genitals and strengthens those neuroconnections. But that's just me...

another thought;
Which way does the D/s go? Who has all the work, who is the pillow princess? Maybe you need to change that up some.

 

[Cycliste]

My feeling personally is that a little dose of testosterone does any woman good. It's a precursor for estrogen, and after it's done that, what's left gets right into your genitals and strengthens those neuroconnections. But that's just me...

I agree. That's what I was getting at about seeing a doctor if you just don't feel like yourself. A simple blood test can test to see if you have low testosterone.

This is a good thread that touches this subject:
Correcting a hormonal imbalance

 

[KoPilot]

My advice is probably not going to help you, since sexual dysfunction is something that only you can determine that you have or not, but I'm going to give it anyways because this looks like a good opportunity for raising ace awareness.

So. I'm asexual, I take medication that nigh kills my libido. It's something that, after a lot of stressing, self-reflection, and hormone tests, I decided is something that I prefer over turning into a werewolf on the full moon every month. I grew up saturated in the message of "having a sex drive is normal, healthy, and the only way someone will love you" so I had to figure out if my distress with my low libido was culturally manufactured, or something I truly felt. It was the former.

Now, it could be the case that you have a hormone imbalance. It could be the case that you're just getting over the honeymoon phase in your relationship and the heat is dialing down. But just understand that not wanting sex all that often isn't something that, on its own, needs fixing. But if it upsets you, if you don't feel like yourself, if you miss the way things were, then it could be that it's a dysfunction and not just a different kind of functional.

(Some people suffer from hormone imbalances that wreak havoc on their emotional well-being; for me, the "normal" levels were the wrong ones. )

And yes, there are definitely D/s cheats re: mismatched libidos. My husband has a solid sex drive--though I'm finding that I crave adrenaline from him more than he craves sex from me lol--so we've put some simple protocols and systems in place in our relationship to ensure we both get what we need. He's allowed to ask me to service him whenever he wants, but I can turn down more involved encounters, f'ex.

 

[Netzach]

Are you stressing out with nonsexy shit?

My considerable raging libido is in inverse proportion to how much daily bullshit I do. I think that's pretty normal and worth consideration.

A lot of men are of the impression that you can do 93829382983 things and be ready to go at it like mink. Well, it's a little more head game for us, often. Not always - I've known women who think he's going to drill them every night after working in crazytown all day.

Anyway, long story short - consider the full plate hypothesis.

 

[LallyH]

I don't think you mention how long you have been in this relationship?

I've been married for many years so we've gone beyond the point of differences in libido being an issue, and it is always me who says no. But because of this longevity, we've got over this appearing to be a rejection of his advances because it isn't negative towards him - it is merely a reflection of the fact that at that moment, I just don't feel like it.

Perhaps you need to discuss this together - try to make him understand that if you don't want to be intimate, it is to do with how you feel about you, not how you feel about him ie that if *insert name of famous attractive person* walked in and offered, you'd still prefer not to. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying no, but he shouldn't feel guilty about asking either. Sounds like you both need to feel a little more secure with each other.

 

[BrightlyGo]

So here's what I'd like advice about: Recently, my boyfriend and I have had a disparity of sexual appetites. For some reason, I haven't been as interested in sex, at least not as frequently as our previous norm, but his interest has stayed the same. This has happened to me in previous relationships as well.
I know many of you are in (or have been in) successful long term relationships, and I'm sure this is a common enough problem for couples to have. How do/did you manage to deal with it without a lot of bad feelings that only perpetuate the problem?

It's not exactly easy, but the best thing is to be open with each other. Once you get used to the idea that your partner's libido is not a reflection on or judgement of you, communication about it becomes easier.

It's perfectly normal to get to the end of the honeymoon period and not be so crazy hot for each other all the time. That's when you start to find out what you can make of the relationship. It's also perfectly normal for that desire to come back and to fluctuate over time. You might not often be in sync, but you can still each get what you need while being considerate of the other. You just have to find ways to express your desires to each other in ways you can both be comfortable with - and that is something you'll need to work out with each other.

You can even incorporate such differences into your D/s play. If the Dom is wanting it more, then their sexual satisfaction becomes a duty of the sub. If the reverse, then sex (or the privilege of masturbating to orgasm) becomes the sub's reward for obedience. Either way the more desirous partner needs to be considerate and 'do the work' (even a sub who's accustomed to a passive role).

 

[Oubliette123]

I think the biggest problem with society today is the expectation we put on ourselves and others. We are exposed to so much so called perfection-in adverts, on the tellie, in magazines, talking to peers, the internet and social media websites. How we should be is all around us, and frankly if we don't measure up we aren't good enough.

The good wife (from a D/s point of view) should be able to fit that role practically and by the end of the day appear unflustered, emotionally stable and sexy as hell ready to fall into a bed of roses with her other half and shag the night away right?

Reality is so different, there are so many things in life that infringe on those intimate times. Money, household chores, children, health, hormones, not communicating, the list is endless and very personal.

I don't know anyone (myself included) that has had that bed of roses every night. Relationships ebb and flow, its natural to be that way. In the past if I haven't felt like it, but done it anyway I usually wonder after why I didn't want to. Its almost always an emotional block and usually nothing to do with my OH. Perhaps I haven't felt sexy enough, or my confidence has been low due to something completely unrelated to my OH. Perhaps the kids have been little sods and my mind is exhausted, or i'm stressing over a deadline.

I think the thing that hinder's the route back to it though is to analyse why, or feel guilty that it is happening. The very fact that you have posted this question says that you want to find a way to overcome these blocks. Maybe set a date-say a weeks time, where you can both find time for each other. Get your hair done, do your nails, dress up and feel sexy. Have him (or her) take the lead and plan something without you knowing-in the play sense, build up the anticipation all week, leave notes for each other, buy a new 'toy' to try etc.

For me, one of the best aspects about this lifestyle is that although in everyday life I have a lot on my shoulders and need to control a lot of areas, which does cause stress, the actual act of being spanked, thrashed etc takes that stress away from me completely.

Maybe what is needed is to keep the sex out of the equation for a while and just have sessions of punishments?

Good luck and keep smiling

 

[HussarVanburen]

A quick disclaimer: This is not going to be the BDSMiest post I've written. I am in a D/s relationship, so there is that aspect of this issue to contend with. But, the main reason I'm posting here is because this is the place where I feel safest asking/learning about sexual relationships. Apologies to those whose knee-jerk reaction to my question will be "This isn't a BDSM issue, this is a relationship issue."

So here's what I'd like advice about: Recently, my boyfriend and I have had a disparity of sexual appetites. For some reason, I haven't been as interested in sex, at least not as frequently as our previous norm, but his interest has stayed the same. This has happened to me in previous relationships as well.

Often, meaning several times a week, a moment will happen that brings this issue to the surface. Just this morning, we were sharing an affectionate look, and I saw his expression evolve into one of desire. I quickly turned away, because I really didn't want anything to start. Then we both felt awkward.

In these moments, I feel extremely guilty for not sharing his desire. He also feels really guilty for WANTING when I don't want. Then we start apologizing to each other, which feeds each person's guilt, and we both end up feeling terrible.

We discussed it a couple of nights ago and thought it might be good to get some advice from this community. I know many of you are in (or have been in) successful long term relationships, and I'm sure this is a common enough problem for couples to have. How do/did you manage to deal with it without a lot of bad feelings that only perpetuate the problem?

(I could post a lot more detail about my history, our relationship, etc, but I thought I'd keep it relatively short and just supply additional information as it's requested.)

Thanks in advance!

It is your duty, as a woman, to be available to him whenever he desires. As such, you ought to serve him regardless of your feelings. As this is a """D/s""" relationship...you know your place.

Truly, it reduces to that: Your position is to serve his needs, whether you feel like it or not. You shall find that if you utterly submit to him? You will love what he has planned for you regardless.

 

[deliteme]

Been there with the low libido thing.

At one point your could have had the entire Chippendale's cast tap dance into my bedroom stripping as they went and all I would have done is ask them to leave and close the door on their way out.

My husband was forcing sex on me when I wasn't interested until I felt like I was nothing more to him than a piece of meat with a hole in it rather than his wife because I didn't say no and stick to it.

It isn't worth the eating away at your self esteem either. sit down and talk with him... see what you are happy doing in those times when you are too tired/not interested/low drive. Sometimes even if you just give him a touch, a kiss, some sigh of affection instead of just turning away, you will feel better about it and so will he.

You can only try

~ deliteme ~

 

[MellowTone]

Thank you so much everyone who's responded so far - I really appreciate it! I will post a more detailed response myself, and answer your questions, when I get home from work today. (I'm at work now, and thus limited to posting via my phone, which isn't suited for decent writing.)

Didn't want you all to think I had run off without reading your thoughtful replies! if you've just arrived at this thread, please feel free to keep the responses coming!

 

[CutieMouse]

I decided years ago to never turn down sex in relationships. Not because I'm never in the mood, but because (generally speaking) it benefits me to do so. Sex helps me feel connected. It reminds me I'm desirable. It gives me a good endorphin/hormone kick & relaxes me. Plus, for the most part, even if I'm not initially interested, that usually changes shortly.

It's all about the blatant self interest.

Of course, my attitude also stems from a healthy dose of conversation with partners. They get what they want, when they want it, but I expect them to not be assholes about it. Demanding oral when I have the flu... Isn't going to go well. Compassion & checking on me when I have the flu, will result in fabulous sex when I'm better.

 

[Stella_Omega]

It is your duty, as a woman, to be available to him whenever he desires. As such, you ought to serve him regardless of your feelings. As this is a """D/s""" relationship...you know your place.

Truly, it reduces to that: Your position is to serve his needs, whether you feel like it or not. You shall find that if you utterly submit to him? You will love what he has planned for you regardless.

her duty as a woman? OMG you hets are so creepy sometimes!

Dude you don't even know which way the dynamic goes.

 

[KoPilot]

her duty as a woman? OMG you hets are so creepy sometimes!

Dude you don't even know which way the dynamic goes.

My theory is that the dude is an alien trying to learn our ways and fit into earth culture, but failing really really badly. I just picture this:

 

[Primalex]

Perhaps you need to discuss this together - try to make him understand that if you don't want to be intimate, it is to do with how you feel about you, not how you feel about him ie that if *insert name of famous attractive person* walked in and offered, you'd still prefer not to. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying no, but he shouldn't feel guilty about asking either. Sounds like you both need to feel a little more secure with each other.

Thank you for saving me the hassle of writing something. No idea why everyone else here insists on fixing something that is not broken.

 

[MellowTone]

Massive Reply Post

Phew! Finally home from work and able to reply with a fill size keyboard. I'm going to start with some highlights:

Stella_Omega: "her duty as a woman? OMG you hets are so creepy sometimes!

Dude you don't even know which way the dynamic goes."

Made me laugh out loud at my desk. This is why I love this message board. Ditto KoPilot's responding gif.

Thank you to a few of you whose thoughts really rang true:

Hormones go up and down. They are affected by many things such as time of day, age, mood, depression, stress, medication, etc. . . . it is probably just a natural ebb and flow of hormones. It is impractical to think that partners' libidos will always be in sync. Each partner has separate stressors, turn ons and offs, moods, etc. Maybe once the apologizes start flowing, you both stop and recognize what it is...unnecessary. Work on changing your behavior - how you react to the situation. Catch yourself apologizing and then come up with something different to say - something that tells him you love him, care about his needs, and is positive reinforcement.

THANK you. Such a simple notion to keep the interaction positive. Very good advice that I plan to put into effect immediately.

another thought;
Which way does the D/s go? Who has all the work, who is the pillow princess? Maybe you need to change that up some.

Ahem, (sheepish face) if one of us is the pillow princess, it's me. This is probably good advice. I have been thinking about ways I might be more proactive, without taking control exactly. (Because him being in control is what turns us on, for now.) Will continue to ruminate.

Are you stressing out with nonsexy shit?

My considerable raging libido is in inverse proportion to how much daily bullshit I do. I think that's pretty normal and worth consideration.

A lot of men are of the impression that you can do 93829382983 things and be ready to go at it like mink. Well, it's a little more head game for us, often. Not always - I've known women who think he's going to drill them every night after working in crazytown all day.

Anyway, long story short - consider the full plate hypothesis.

Amen. We are both trying to change jobs, considering moving in together, I just took on a large volunteer position for a local society, and the list goes on. My plate RUNNETH OVER with nonsexy shit. Thanks for the validation - it's no wonder I haven't got the energy I had before all the turbulence.

It's perfectly normal to get to the end of the honeymoon period and not be so crazy hot for each other all the time. That's when you start to find out what you can make of the relationship. It's also perfectly normal for that desire to come back and to fluctuate over time. You might not often be in sync, but you can still each get what you need while being considerate of the other. You just have to find ways to express your desires to each other in ways you can both be comfortable with - and that is something you'll need to work out with each other.

Yeah, that feels about right.

Relationships ebb and flow, its natural to be that way. In the past if I haven't felt like it, but done it anyway I usually wonder after why I didn't want to. Its almost always an emotional block and usually nothing to do with my OH. Perhaps I haven't felt sexy enough, or my confidence has been low due to something completely unrelated to my OH. Perhaps the kids have been little sods and my mind is exhausted, or i'm stressing over a deadline.

I think the thing that hinder's the route back to it though is to analyse why, or feel guilty that it is happening. The very fact that you have posted this question says that you want to find a way to overcome these blocks. Maybe set a date-say a weeks time, where you can both find time for each other. Get your hair done, do your nails, dress up and feel sexy. Have him (or her) take the lead and plan something without you knowing-in the play sense, build up the anticipation all week, leave notes for each other, buy a new 'toy' to try etc.

For me, one of the best aspects about this lifestyle is that although in everyday life I have a lot on my shoulders and need to control a lot of areas, which does cause stress, the actual act of being spanked, thrashed etc takes that stress away from me completely.

Maybe what is needed is to keep the sex out of the equation for a while and just have sessions of punishments?

Good luck and keep smiling

Thank you for such positive encouragement I am all-too predisposed towards over-analysis, which absolutely ends up making things worse sometimes. Thanks for the advice; I shall try it.

I decided years ago to never turn down sex in relationships. Not because I'm never in the mood, but because (generally speaking) it benefits me to do so. Sex helps me feel connected. It reminds me I'm desirable. It gives me a good endorphin/hormone kick & relaxes me. Plus, for the most part, even if I'm not initially interested, that usually changes shortly.

See, this is a really interesting point for me to read, because I often feel the same way. Meaning, though I may start out uninterested, I end up enjoying myself. I think PART of the problem is that in my (past tense) marriage, I ended up forcing myself to go through with a lot of sex that I really didn't want, so now I have this emotional defense mechanism that SLAMS on the breaks whenever I'm not totally into the idea. I have to work on internalizing that this isn't my marriage, and it isn't going to be like it was if I allow things to progress passed that point. Thank you for sharing your experience.


A few odds and ends to answer some of your questions - I have been in this relationship for about two years. In very broad terms, he (it's a guy) is the dominant one and I am the submissive one. I don't really feel like I am "not myself" or hormonally out-of-balance, (I know the feeling because I was horribly out of whack for a few years in college while on birth control pills), just more out of sync with my partner. Thankfully, we have been very communicative about it, so at least I am not trying to solve the problem by myself in the dark. Oh and to box13, I "get to say no" because this isn't a total power exchange relationship.

Thanks again everyone, I feel like I have LOTS to try and lots to think about, and in general feel much more optimistic than I did before I asked for your advice. If you're new to the thread or have new thoughts to share, I'd love to hear them.