Advice w/out flames please

[Guest]

I post semi-regularly on the board. Although I haven't posted much recently. Right now I would just like some advice on how to get out of a bad situation.

Long story short, my husband is a drug addict. He has lost his job, sold everything we own worth anything, and just basically ruined us financially. We have 2 children.

After being a stay at home mom for almost 3 years, I went back to work a month or so ago, to support myself and the kids. Given the fact that I supported him while he earned his college degree, while never obtaining one myself, the job I got was not the best paying one.

Then 2 weeks ago he wrecked our car. Our only car. Soon after that I lost my job because w/out transportation I wasn't reliable. Yes, I can take public transportation and have been. I was late a few times and they needed someone more dependable. While working though I managed to pay Septembers rent and our utilities we were behind on.

I have been actively seeking more employment, trying to find something more accessible by bus. Also, given that only one of our kids is school-age, finding daycare for the youngest has been difficult.

I broke down and applied for public assistance, and now receive food stamps and insurance. I received an allowance for $461. After I cashed the check, I had planned on buying a money order to pay some of October's rent, and I used some to buy diapers and things that we needed not covered by food stamps. Before I got the chance to get the money order, my husband took the money from my purse and has since spent it on his addiction. I found out yesterday that if I don't pay the rent by Friday I will get served w/ an eviction. After which, I will have until Monday to vacate.

I have no family here, the closest family member is in Florida and we really don't speak much. As for friends, if anyone has dealt w/ addiction you might understand, most of them are gone. I have 2 close friends with families of their own, and really can only offer moral support.

Right now, all I can picture is me and my children being put on the street Monday. My husband comes and goes. He's not really bothered by any of this. I last saw him 6 days ago.

Does anyone know of any place I can get help from being evicted? Or finding a place to stay? Everything I own will be put out and I have no means w/ which to move it. I've never been so scared. My children are my life, and I hate myself for letting this happen. My oldest has a field trip next week she is excited about, and it breaks my heart that we might not even be here for her to go. I feel like I have failed them in the worst possible way.

I blame myself for trying to hide his problem for so long. For enabling him I guess. I hate that I became dependent on his support.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My kids and I are staying the night at a friends house tonight so I can babysit for her. So I have internet access for a little while.

Thanks.

 

[sch00lteacher]

Shit... shit shit shit.

1. Don't blame yourself.
2. Try to find a woman's shelter. Most cities have them, but then I don't know where you are.
3. I wish like hell I could do something.
4. Call everyone in the phone book that might be able to help and start asking questions.
5. I wish I could help!

 

[Laurel]

Sending out hugs to you and your little ones...

Your post breaks my heart.

I'm not an expert on this, or anything really, but I do have a few thoughts. Forgive me for sharing them.

I grew up in a family with a parent who was/is a substance abuser on and off. My main concern - as I'm sure is yours - is for your children. Any parent who is willing to take money intended for their children's food, etc., and spend it on their own selfish wants should be watched around children at all times, in my opinion. There is a trust or bond that's broken when a parent begins putting his or her own wants above the needs of their children. Once that trust/bond is broken, then the hell that the children may be subjected to by that parent may know no bounds.

I'm not condemning your husband for being addicted to drugs - that's his right if he wants to do it. It's your right as an adult to marry him and love him. The issue I have here is that the children need to be protected from him when he's involved in this type of activity. I did not have a parent who protected us from my substance-abusing parent. The problems that this caused in my family, growing up, cannot be overstated. I would have killed to have a parent - like you - who saw the problem and was willing to risk everything she worked for to make our lives better and safer.

I'm sure it's not an easy choice, but I think that getting the children away from him until and unless he is able to deal with his problems is absolutely crucial. To be brutally honest, I will never have too much respect for the adults who left me and my siblings in an unhealthy situation when they could have done something to help us. As a mother, I'm sure you don't want your kids to grow up wishing you would have protected them from god-knows-what.

The little kid inside of me thanks you a million times for deciding to make a better life for your family, away from this person. Who knows, maybe your decision and subsequent exit from his life will eventually cause him to contemplate what he's lost, and try to get help. It's not like he has a fatal disease - he's making a conscious choice to not get help for a problem that he knows is destroying his family.

If you really are a regular BBer, and assuming this isn't a troll post (which I do not think it is), then please PM or email me if you feel comfortable doing so and I would be willing to see if there's anything I can do to help from afar.

I wish you and your children - and even your husband - only the best. I encourage you to be strong, and do what's right - not what's easy.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Sending out hugs to you and your little ones...

Your post breaks my heart.

I'm not an expert on this, or anything really, but I do have a few thoughts. Forgive me for sharing them.

If you really are a regular BBer, and assuming this isn't a troll post (which I do not think it is), then please PM or email me if you feel comfortable doing so and I would be willing to see if there's anything I can do to help from afar.

I wish you and your children - and even your husband - only the best. I encourage you to be strong, and do what's right - not what's easy.

Ditto, especially the last bit.

 

[MissTaken]

~hugs!~

It is difficult to del with addiction. I am so sorry that you have to do that. General thinking is that he won't make changes in his life until he hits "rock bottom." He has lost everything except you and the children. It may be time for that to happen. I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do, but It sounds like you realize that something needs to change for you and teh children.

As I don't know what state you are in, I am not sure what the laws are. In NY, the law requires a 30 day eviction notice. Regardless, you could try to reach Legal Aide and see if there is anything they can do.

Also, perhaps, you local Al anon chapter could help. Even if not, i would recommend that you consider becoming involved.

Perhaps, Social Services could help if you explained the situation, whether with temporary housing or referrals for treatment for you husband, etc.

Best of luck and I will pray for you. Pm me if you feel like talking and be strong.

 

[sarahuk4]

I know I might not be able to help much as I am in England, but do you have a society called "The Samaritians " in America, they are very very good , they will listen and try and help if they can ......as another lit member said , you need to try legal aide or something along that lines .....I am not too sure how the American system works ......but in England you would not be out on your ear .........

If you want to chat , and I do have a friendly listening ear , please pm me ok ....

My thoughts are with you ....

 

[estevie]

hi! *hugggggs*

Someone mentioned the eviction laws, check what your state has. I don't think you can be served one day and have tomove the next. My sister in law had this same thing happen, she didn't move out when the eviction notice said she had to (she had nowhere to go), eventually there was a court date. Even the judge gave her adequate time to find a place. So, don't panic.

Can you expain the situation to the landlord? Maybe if you can tug on his heart strings a bit, he will give you some time before asking you to leave.

Since you already on public assistance, it will be easier foryou to get help finding a place to live, In my state, its called Section 9. Basically public housing. It sounds horrid, like the projects or something, but I do know that here, there are some very nice places to live on Section 9. Check with your case worker.

My best advice, get on the phone and call anyone who may be able to help. If they can't help you, they may be able to refer you to someone who can. Take advantage of the Food Pantry, call your utility companies, call your case worker!

Good luck! If you ever need a friend, you can always lean on me.

 

[MissTaken]

Nice Av!


Hehehe I am watching sponge bod with my daughter right now!

 

[Guest]

Thank you everyone for the kind responses. I feel better knowing I shouldn't be blaming myself.

Things are going to get better. All that matters is that I make a new life for my kids.

A special thanks to Laurel her words meant so much.

I have checked the eviction laws, and for non-payment they are only required to give 3 days. The landlord has been very patient, and knows the whole story. He has to make a living though.

My caseworker is willing to put me on a list for housing help once eviction is served. For me to get anymore help, I have to file for separation from my husband. Which will happen soon. I am also getting a restraining order against him.

I guess the most important thing is after hearing from you guys, some of my self-esteem has returned. I have a job interview today and if that works out, I'll feel like something has been accomplished.

I hate posting as unregistered, but I hope you can understand why I'm a little ashamed to find myself in this position.

Thank you again for not judging me. It's what I've gotten used to.

((((Hugs))))

(I'm wathing spongebob too )

 

[MissTaken]

No. No. No.

Addiction is a disease that affects the entire family.

Hat's off to you for dealing with it.

You sound as though you have a great start to a new life. Change is always difficult, but when this is behind you, you feel much better about yourself and life in general.

Take care and best wishes!

 

[Gilly Bean]

Eviction laws differ from state to state, as someone mentioned already. One of the laws I know is part of it in most states, is that during a winter month, (if you live in a cold state) they can not evict a household that has children living in it. Even if they serve you a notice, you still have time to make the payment. It's not the easist to do, but sometimes it can be done.

In the mean time, see about contacting your parents, or a relative you trust, and are close with. See if that person, or multiple people, can help out by sending a money order made out to your landlord. Don't give your husband the oppertunity to cash it by leaving it blank.

Contact the DSS (Dept of Social Services, they may have a different name in your state), and talk with your case worker. Explain fully the situation. Be prepaired for the worst. Make sure you know where all your legal documents are. Such as birth certificates, social security cards, any credit cards (whether valid or not), and photo ID of yours.

Your case worker should be able to immediatly locate a shelter, but it may take days, or even longer, to get placed in one. In the mean time, if you know you won't be able to stay at your home much longer, or any longer, try to pack as much up as you can. If you have a friend that can help with storage, try to store what is nessecary. Since storage in a case like this can be minimal, try getting rid of larger items that are not sentimental. Such as beds, dressers, extra toys that are not played with, clothing that is outgrown, etc. It is better to try and sell some stuff off at the last minute, then to have it seized by your landlord. That way, you may get some cash out of it.

If things can be worked out, where DSS will pay the rent for you, and you can stay, change the locks, and let your husband come to you if and when he wants to. Don't keep him out if you are not comfortable with it, but make him realize he needs to straighten up, and stop doing the drugs.

If he gets violent in any way, or threatening, do not feel guilty in calling the police. They will take him in, and if he is high at the time, he can be brought up on charges. It is nasty, I know, but it is one hell of a wake up call.

If he steals anything from you again, money or valubles, do the same. Call the police. It looks alot better for you, and the kids, if you do. The case worker then realizes that it wasn't you, or a scam to get more money. Sad reality is that most case workers will not give you the benifit of the doubt right away. That is there job, and frustrating as it is, you need to just work with them, and try to keep as calm as possible.

See if your family in Florida can help out by taking the youngest kid for a week or two until you get settled in somewhere. That cuts back on bills, and the child won't be exposed to any messes that your husband causes.

Above all, don't let your husband walk over you. Tell him that he needs help, and that until he gets it, he may not be welcome in the house. Call him on his theft of money. Do it when you know he isn't high, or drunk. Tell him you are getting evicted. Tell it all to him, and see how he reacts. When sober, he may actually realize how dumb he has been. Not likely, I know, but it is worth a shot.

Good Luck.

 

[Cheyenne]

I have no experience at all with drug addicts, evictions, etc. I've been very lucky in my life, and I know it. The ideas you've gotten so far all sound good to me- you have to TELL people and ask for help when you need it. The more you tell and ask, the better your chance of getting what you need for your kids.

I also understand why you posted as unregistered, but wanted to add that I don't think you'd have been flamed by anyone had you posted under your regular name. You didn't ask for your husband to get into drugs, you just have to deal with it. Not your fault.

Good luck to you- you will be in my prayers.

 

[Ksss]

I wish you the best of luck. Have you tried contacting your church (if you go to one), many help with things such as evictions, food supplies, etc. Also you may want to check out organizations such as the Lions Club, the Elks, Knights of Columbus, etc. they all look for ways for giving out a helping hand.

 

[MishkarinaSkye]

I just wanted to post that you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is to have little ones but to be dealing with all of this must be so hard for you.

I totally believe that God never gives one what one cannot handle. So, with that, try to be strong, stay positive and look for help.

There are numerous agencies out there that will help you and your kids, a woman & children's shelter is a start. And, if you can call your family and reopen those lines of communication. Even though you said that you don't talk that much with them they are still your family. You might be surprised and so might they...

Either way, ((((((HUGS)))))))....

God bless you and your kids....and your husband, too...



---------------
estevie: Sponge Bob Square Pants is a big fave here with my brood!! Thanks for the laugh this morning (SB always makes me laugh just bylooking at him!)

 

[estevie]

Nice Av!


Hehehe I am watching sponge bod with my daughter right now!

Thanks! It's my very first av, someone posted it in my thread about fav cartoons! I love spongebob!

 

[Gilly Bean]

The church idea is a good one, and some churches will help even if you are not a member there. Also, I just thought of, there is a community program where I live. I know they are spread through out the state, and that the same place is in other states, but I am not sure where all they are. They are called EightCAP. They run alot of different programs for the community that are income based. One of the things they do, is put out a book every year, for each county they are located in, that has all sorts of community programs listed in them. They range from dentists that take medicaid, to food pantries, to red cross, to salvation army shelters, to toys for tots. They also do preschool from age 3-5, and early headstart from prenatal to 3.

They would be a great place to get ahold of, if there is one in your area. I am sure there are other similiar programs out there. Your case worker again, should have info on something like that.

 

[Demian]

This iz not a Flame!

This is the kind of thing that W.bush will never understand because he was raised with a silver spoon shoved up his ass! He didn't dodge the Vietnam war, because Daddy found a way for him to fly jets around Texas...When he fucked up as young people do, he bought oil wells and a major league baseball team...I have a friend who has a highly qualified and experienced father who would be the perfect dad or husband you are looking for, he is a psychologist, who iz completely fucked by today's HMO plans, and is basically working for free...I wish you luck

 

[Gilly Bean]

Re: This iz not a Flame!

This is the kind of thing that W.bush will never understand because he was raised with a silver spoon shoved up his ass! He didn't dodge the Vietnam war, because Daddy found a way for him to fly jets around Texas...When he fucked up as young people do, he bought oil wells and a major league baseball team...I have a friend who has a highly qualified and experienced father who would be the perfect dad or husband you are looking for, he is a psychologist, who iz completely fucked by today's HMO plans, and is basically working for free...I wish you luck

I am sure your oppinion of our presidnet really helps her in this situation. Thanks.

 

[Guest]

Again I can't thank everyone enough for the uplifting words. I've been living in this hell so long, I've been afraid to tell anyone.

Since I've started reaching out, I have been offered some lifesaving assistance. I can truly say that ANGELS do exist. Phone calls made to several agencies this morning have made one point obvious, aside from shelter, first thing I need to do is separate myself from my husband permanently. We've been separated in the past, but I grew to believe I HAD to depend on him and we always got back together. I really can't explain how his addiction battered me mentally.

He has never been physically violent, yet. When he doesn't have money for drugs, withdrawal will set in and he gets nasty. So far he has never gone past yelling at me.

I have an appt w/ legal aid in the morning to see about getting a legal separation. They base their rates on your income, and with no income I might be able to afford it. Once my caseworker knows that I have legally separated from him, she can see that I get more help.

I contacted the Salvation Army and they can provide temporary emergency shelter if it comes to that. They will also provide free counseling which I think I seriously need. For so long I have blamed myself, to the point that I felt I was unworthy of getting out of the relationship. Like I deserved what I was getting.

As far as family members go, unfortunately I was not blessed w/ a large family. I recently lost my mom to cancer, and my dad is only around when it benefits him. My brother is in Florida, but he has his demons to face.

Seeing that I've been the one condemning myself, and that others see hope for me, I think things might just be okay. Already I feel better and not as lost as I was when I first posted this. My major goal is to make life better and healthier for my kids, and I think I just may be able to do that.

THANK YOU!

(It's refreshing to see some nice stuff on the board .)

 

[Harpoon]

Good for you, it sounds like you are well on your way. Best of luck to you and your kids, the next little while will be hard, but it will be worth it.

 

[MissTaken]

One more bit of advice and good will....

When I am feeling down
Wearing a sad little frown

I hum a little toon
And look for Harpoon

I sit back in my chair
Where i simply stare

At his incredibly hot av
And wish he would shower with me!



OMG! I am too silly today!

Keep a stiff upper lip, Unreg. And if harpoon's av helps, I will share!

 

[YogiBare]

Resources

I'm so glad that it looks like you've made some good decisions and have found some resources. Here are some other suggestions.

Contact Al-Anon, without delay. they are a fabulous self-help organbization of people who have survived the kind of things you are going through. My bet is that if you go to a meeting and explain your situation that (beyond emotional support) you will find resources popping out of the woodwork. They will really and truly do whatever they can to help - offers of a place to stay - a place to store belongings - money to pay rent - invitations to dinner - a job opportunity - who knows what they can and will come up with on the spot. I have seen it happen.

Check with your local government's housing department to see if they have or know of any emergency funds for people to use to prevent eviction. Many communities do. Find out if there are any church coalitions that work with the homeless that could help you prevent homelessness.

Ask your landlord if he would revoke the eviction notice in exchange for a payment plan in which you make smaller weekly payments for a couple of months (instead of large monthly payments) until you get yourself back on your feet. Perhaps you could let him hold a piece of jewelry or some other valuable as collateral (sp?) to assure him of your sincerity and to protect his financial interests.

Good, good luck. It's a horrible situation not of your making. No need to feel shame. My mother was alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic. I also work professionally with people who are mentally ill, addicted, and homeless. It can happen to any of us. I am happy to do whatever I can to help.

YB

 

[Harbinger]

It's hard to overestimate the emotional and financial drain that an alcohol or drug dependant person has on a family's resources. It's true that stopping that drain is the most important thing you can do for your children, and it shows potential sources of assistance that you are willing to take the necessary steps to break the cycle. It's really hard, I know, had to do it once, and I still have to deal with it to a lesser extent. But the plus side is that it opens the door on a whole world of possibilities. Believe in yourself. You know you must be a strong person to have carried this all this time. Think how it will be when you don't have to cope with someone else's bad choices. Keep moving forward.

((((((((((Unregistered))))))))) I never thought I'd do that!

 

[Kymberley]

I do hope you read this...I have been there

I was married for 6 years when my husband became a crystal-meth user. He sold everything he could get his hands on. He lost his job, and I was the only one left to care for the kids.

First of all know this, you have to make up your mind now what you are going to do about him. My advice is leave, be stong and be the mom and the dad your kids are going to need.

If you can find the strength to leave, or make him leave now, get a restraining order based on his drug addiction and the need to protect your kids from that.

Contact the Salvation Army, they can start by helping you find the rent money. Most agencies will not be as willing to help though if he is still there.

Go to the Public assistance office and find out what help they can give with transportation, day care, job searches and low cost housing where you can afford the rent.

We were left without a home at all. He broke in and threatened our lives if we went back. The boys and I ended up in a homeless shelter for almost a month. It was humiliating, and heartbreaking that I had been such a poor mother as to let these things happen to my kids.

The shelter may not be what you want to do, but now your choices are no longer limited to what you want. Do what you MUST. Big difference, trust me, I do know this.

I struggled for several years, living pay check to pay check. The boys learned to live without alot of the stuff that we all want to give our kids. But, my sons are remarkable. They saw that we were together, and that was all that mattered to them.

Your kids have to become the most important issues right now. It will be so hard to do this alone, but you have no choice. Working two jobs will still be better than allowing this to poison your children. You will find enormous strength in your children once they realize that all your struggles are for their benefit.

My sons could care less to hear from him or even see him. We never talk about him, other than to say we hope he enjoyed their baby blankets and pictures that he stole from us.

I am now going to worry about you until you post that you are okay. For the sake of your children, please be strong. Do everything you have to do, even when your body wants you to give in, give up and quit, just push forward. You can do this.

 

[Kymberley]

I've been living in this hell so long, I've been afraid to tell anyone.

We've been separated in the past, but I grew to believe I HAD to depend on him and we always got back together. I really can't explain how his addiction battered me mentally.

He has never been physically violent, yet. When he doesn't have money for drugs, withdrawal will set in and he gets nasty. So far he has never gone past yelling at me.

My husband never once hurt me or my sons until the drugs.

We had been seperated 6 months when the boys and I went to Dallas from Seattle for a much needed break. It was their spring break. On the day I was to go home, he called and told me he had broken in our home.

His exact words to me were, "ever wonder what the cats would sound like when they had their necks broken? cuz I can tell you now."

I started bawling and screaming at him as he describe what he did to my two cats, Sable and Sheba.

Then his next words were the end of my life in Seattle and the beginning of the rest of my life.

"Don't let the boys walk through the door first, unless you want to see them die. But I will spare you quickly and kill you too."

Remember this....he had never, ever laid a hand on us, nor had he ever been violent before his addiction. Please don't let your guard down.


Please email me, I have more info that can help you. Make up a fake account in hotmail if you must, but please do contact me. If you are in the midwest, I can offer more help.