Advice needed

[Cheriez]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and hope someone can give me some much needed advice.

My Master is stationed overseas so for the time being we just communicate by phone and email. No physical contact.

Last week on Thursday I had informed him that I masturbated without his permission. I knew he would be displeased and I contemplated on whether I should tell him or not but of course I did. He very much made it known how displeased he was and gave me a punishment. He reinforced that I'm not allowed to masturbate with toy, hand, or water and my punishment is that he would not talked to me for 7 days. I have 3 more days left of this silent treatment.

Of course I had to accept this punishment but now as I sit here and miss him so much I feel more of a neglect than a learning experience. I should be using this time to reflect on my disobedience not sitting here thinking about how he could go so many days without talking to me knowing we are apart and don't get to see each other often. I'm starting to feel angry and resentment. I want to write him and tell him how I feel but I know my punishment forbids it.

What I did was disobedient but was a first time offense. I believe my punishment is unfair.

Is it unfair or was he correct in not speaking to me for 7 days?

 

[Him15]

I think the justification of the punishment really depends on the dynamic of the relationship, hard for any of us to say if it is or isnt without really knowing said dynamic.

If you think it is I would be open and talk to your Dom about it when he talks to you again and explain that instead of making you feel punished it only really made you feel neglected.

 

[box13]

Apologies for being snarky here, but that "don't talk to me because you masturbated" just reminded me of my girlfriend / 1st ex from high school. I don't think of myself as a dom, but as a daddy (with training wheels, admittedly) I'd be very proud of my girl masturbating. If she did it anyways after I told her no, I'd love to just spank her good for it instead of cutting off contact. But the "don't talk to me for a week" wouldn't work. Not for me. Maybe it's just a stress-induced dumb idea that won't be repeated.

You should be able to talk about it, discuss what you want. Find some other way to do the long distance discipline thing. The little voice in your head is telling you that something is wrong, and you should probably be listening to her.

Hope things get sorted out.

 

[CutieMouse]

Fair or not, it's an opportunity for better understanding.

You're in a D/s relationship with limited physical contact... just because a lot of BDSM erotica involves asking permission to masturbate, doesn't mean it works well in every relationship.

We're you wrong to masturbate without permission? According to your agreement of the rules, yes. Is it possible that that particular rule (not masturbating) isn't as effective as it is in the stories/ might not work the way he expected it to? Yes.

That's all issue # 1, that you'll need to discuss when your "punishment" is over.

Issue # 2 is using non-contact as punishment. Especially in a long distance, primarily online/ phone relationship, spanning continents.

What exactly is the lesson here? Solo orgasm = bad? Orgasm = abandonment? Orgasm = negative consequences? Because (IMO) by withdrawing contact, in an already limited contact relationship, the stage is being set to associate negative consequences with masturbation. That's one hell of a slippery slope he's playing with. (Again, IMO.)

Should things pick up again in 3 days, it is okay to discuss non-contact as a hard limit. It's also ok to evaluate how the "permission" re: masturbation is working. It has nothing to do with "fair" (few things in life are fair); it may be worth doing a cost/ benefit sidebar.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah, if by not talking to you he loses you? Not a very effective discipline.

Plus I bet he's regretting it as well, unless he's a big old ho himself, with a dozen online subs.

I'ev expressed my views on orgasm denial for long distance relationships-- for women, I don't think it works very well at all. We can, and do, cum a dozen times to any man's one time. Cumming fuels our fire. If we avoid orgasms, we are more likely than not, to decide we have better things to do like sew up a patchwork quilt or grow begonias.

 

[LallyH]

Plus I bet he's regretting it as well, unless he's a big old ho himself, with a dozen online subs.

That was my first reaction - just as much a punishment for him as you in a way if he doesn't have others.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I would have to say, what is the lesson he is trying to teach you here?
Punishments in some way should seek to reform the errant behaviour. How does this punishment achieve that?
Just saying!

 

[SwtSassyNrse26]

Communication for me is vital. No contact for 7 days would be the worst punishment ever. For myself that would be way TOO harsh. Hope it all works out.

 

[KoPilot]

Days-long silent treatment would be grounds for a breakup. (Or in my current case, divorce.) But that's just me.

Even though it's nice to think that this whole things is on """his terms""", it's not. You have emotional needs that need to be met too, and it does sound like this is completely counter-productive and damaging to you.

CM's right: just because it's common in porn and erotica, doesn't mean it's a requirement of every D/s relationship.

 

[Cheriez]

Thanks for all the comments. I've written my letter and saved it as a draft to send to him on Friday. This silent treatment is awful.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Firsts of all sorts can be great opportunities to learn for both people. Now you know this probably doesn't work for you. That is great for you to acknowledge and communicate. If you find out that this is an important aspect of a relationship for him and that it doesn't work for you... Then you have the option to choose if the relationship itself works for you or not.

I think it is great you raised your hand and asked the question though, as many feel that they can't or shouldn't. I think it is how the strongest of relationships handle speed-bumps that really make them stand apart and not that the best relationships don't have speed bumps.

I hope the next few days pass quickly and you are both able to find a solution that works for both of you.

 

[the captians wench]

I think CM hit my thoughts pretty well.

I do the LD thing. There are times (especially when school is in) where we don't have any contact for days, and even weeks with missed ims. But this is all just the happenings of day to day life and a 5 hour time difference.

If he used no contact as a punishment, I wouldn't be able to handle it. And we talked about that early in our relationship. I need to know that he's there, some where, hoping I'm here, some where, thinking of him. I need to know that he wants to "see" me as much as I do him. He knows this, and he might do some corner time while we are chatting, but I know he's still there.

I think a lot of people in the LD thing get this notion in their heads that cutting off communication is the only tool in their box. Like they don't have any other idea of how to punish some one that they can't physically punish themselves. It takes some creativity, but it can be done. When Jounar runs out of ideas he makes me come up with my own punishments, which can be a punishment in itself.

 

[Cheriez]

Update

I couldn't wait till Friday (tomorrow) to send my letter to him. I had been depressed all week and just didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I sent it yesterday. Today he responded by saying that by the third day he felt like he was being punished too and that he didn't like it either. He also apologized and said he will never make me feel that way again. He said he was proud of me of writing the letter and expressing how I felt. I was so happy hearing from him.

Thank you again for all the comments and advice..

 

[FfordPrefect]

Update

I couldn't wait till Friday (tomorrow) to send my letter to him. I had been depressed all week and just didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I sent it yesterday. Today he responded by saying that by the third day he felt like he was being punished too and that he didn't like it either. He also apologized and said he will never make me feel that way again. He said he was proud of me of writing the letter and expressing how I felt. I was so happy hearing from him.

Thank you again for all the comments and advice..

I don't particularly subscribe to the D/s dynamic, but that is just my personal preference.

However, I have one thing that I need to state. Nobody, and by that I mean NOBODY should ever deny themselves or someone else orgasms. It is borderline criminal to do so