Advice.... in reguards to my marriage and bdsm

[Kinkybytch]

I am so annoyed right now ive been with my husband for over 7yrs our sex life is pretty good but i have alot of bdsm tendencies in me and i can no longer keep them supressed i understand my husband has been severly abused physically mentally emotionally and sexually as a child but damnnn a regular vanilla sex life is just not cutting it for me its not satisfying me anymore i mean dont get me wrong the sex is great but its just not enough and i love my husband to death but damn i dont know what to do anymore im a little annoyed right now with him.Please some advice on this at most he will participate in water sports breath play and thats about it

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ouch! Or, not.

Suppose you tell us what you mean when you say BDSM, because there are a thousand different things that can mean. And maybe we can help you think of ways to explain them to your husband.

 

[HottieMama]

Also, you need to understand that IF you "love him to death," then "no" just might mean "no." Do you really want to "violate" him again by forcing him to do things he is not comfortable with?

 

[laceNlthrgrrl]

What Stella said. What in particular are you looking for that you aren't getting? How much have you communicated this to him? The first place to stat is talking. Maybe find a story here on Lit, or write one yourself just for him, playing out some of what you need from him. Tell him this is what gets you going, then ask him how he feels about it.

 

[neci]

Also, you need to understand that IF you "love him to death," then "no" just might mean "no." Do you really want to "violate" him again by forcing him to do things he is not comfortable with?

this.

get counseling. communicate with him, and remember that it is probably much deeper than him not wanting you to experience certain sexual acts. it may be more than an i'm not comfortable with it. it could be, i don't want to relive what happened to me. what is kinky for you may be an honest nightmare for him. if that's the case, and you still want to push forward with exploring your kink, get couples counseling. someone you can both feel safe with. your marriage is worth that.

 

[confusedtears]

You need to talk to him. A bloke who will engage in watersports doesn't sound to me like he's just a prude - it sounds more like he has genuine, emotional reasons for being against BDSM actions.

How much do you know about his abuse? It may be that what you're asking for is something that would seriously trigger an emotional response that he cannot cope with/does not want to relive.

You might find by talking to him that there are things that he will do, and maybe some things that are definite nos. I would imagine there will also be many, many 'i'm not sures' that you could try, with patience and consideration. xx

 

[Kinkybytch]

You need to talk to him. A bloke who will engage in watersports doesn't sound to me like he's just a prude - it sounds more like he has genuine, emotional reasons for being against BDSM actions. How much do you know about his abuse? It may be that what you're asking for is something that would seriously trigger an emotional response that he cannot cope with/does not want to relive. You might find by talking to him that there are things that he will do, and maybe some things that are definite nos. I would imagine there will also be many, many 'i'm not sures' that you could try, with patience and consideration. xx

i mean his abuse involved being locked in the closet for hrs as a little boy being degraded he was tied up in the closet by his arms and neck by a moms boyfriend and even burnt on his backside and hands on the stove
he has to knw i would never hurt him in a mannerism other then pleasurable one..

 

[HottieMama]

i mean his abuse involved being locked in the closet for hrs as a little boy being degraded he was tied up in the closet by his arms and neck by a moms boyfriend and even burnt on his backside and hands on the stove
he has to knw i would never hurt him in a mannerism other then pleasurable one..

Dear lord...that's a lot to endure and live through. As a mother of three sons, I couldn't even imagine that. That said, he may intellectually know you will never hurt him, but being able to process it emotionally is an entirely different story. He may not be able to "see" the difference in the two on an emotional level.

 

[Kurokami]

i mean his abuse involved being locked in the closet for hrs as a little boy being degraded he was tied up in the closet by his arms and neck by a moms boyfriend and even burnt on his backside and hands on the stove
he has to knw i would never hurt him in a mannerism other then pleasurable one..

Intellectually he might know you wouldn't hurt him, but abuse is often a deeper issue than that. Given what you've described, surely you can see that BDSM might cut a little close to the bone, right? I'd advice caution going forward; take it from someone who's been there, childhood abuse is heavy stuff.

Please, no matter what, be there to support him. If he needs professional help, encourage him to get it. And if no really does just mean no, if your kink isn't something he feels he can take, then maybe that's just where you'll have to leave it. Some things are just too much

 

[SweetApple8]

i mean his abuse involved being locked in the closet for hrs as a little boy being degraded he was tied up in the closet by his arms and neck by a moms boyfriend and even burnt on his backside and hands on the stove
he has to knw i would never hurt him in a mannerism other then pleasurable one..

First instinct is that you're going for the "shock value" of sharing this. If not, and it's true, put yourself and your needs second. Do you love your husband or not?

I'm sorry, I couldn't help responding to this in this way. Too many "me" people in the world.

 

[Bandit58]

It sounds like you are more on the Dominant side of the whip and you wish him to submit/bottom to you (correct me if I'm wrong though).

he has to knw i would never hurt him in a mannerism other then pleasurable one..

You may be correct, but often flashbacks can occur out of the blue and it might not have anything to do with what is happening in the moment. I was abused by my former husband, not physically but emotionally and verbally, therefore humiliation and degradation are hard limits for me.

I understand it would be frustrating for you, but if you love him as much as you say you do then you may have to to put your needs aside for a while and help him deal with his.

 

[Bandit58]

oops double post

 

[confusedtears]

'he must know I'd never hurt him'

Logically, he will. Logically, he knows that nobody can hurt him again, that you'd stop when he said, that you'd be there if things went wrong.

A few examples as food for thought though...

The other day, I was having 100% vanilla, bog standard missionary position sex with my boyfriend, who was kissing my neck and whispering sweet nothings about marriage in my ear. I was close to cumming. Then he lost his balance slightly and his hip bone caught my thigh in an 'ouch, bugger!' sort of way. Now, I know that he loves me and woul never ever hurt me. But the 12year old inside me made me scream, lash out, run to hide and then be unable to let him touch me for days.

Last weekend I took the girls I look after swimming. A tiny little boy was struggling to swim and he grabbed hold of me, unfortunately (as kids do!) grabbing my boob AND splashing water in my face at the same time. Now he was only 4 at most, no threat. So why did it trigger a barage of memories of the things he did to me, and why did I have a panic attack and need to throw up in the changing rooms? I sure as hell don't know, but it's enough to put me off taking the kids swimming again for a long time.

You have to bear in mind that it might not be anything obviously correlating that he worries about. It could be that you spank him and it hits somewhere that was a burn once, and the remembered pain makes him freak. It could be that you tie his legs apart at the cold air on his genitals brings back hideous memories. It could be that you hurt him, then tell him you love him-just like mummy used to do after she'd burnt his ass on the stove. You dont have to be acting out exactly for it to trigger.

I have assumed you're dominant in this-if you want him to be dominant then I would imagine his worries are of being like his abusers-no matter how much you're screaming yes, harder.

Part of loving each other is accepting that sometimes no means no. For your sake, his sake, and the scared hurt little boy who still lives inside him, I hope you understand and honour that. Xx

 

[Kurokami]

'he must know I'd never hurt him'

Logically, he will. Logically, he knows that nobody can hurt him again, that you'd stop when he said, that you'd be there if things went wrong.

A few examples as food for thought though...

The other day, I was having 100% vanilla, bog standard missionary position sex with my boyfriend, who was kissing my neck and whispering sweet nothings about marriage in my ear. I was close to cumming. Then he lost his balance slightly and his hip bone caught my thigh in an 'ouch, bugger!' sort of way. Now, I know that he loves me and woul never ever hurt me. But the 12year old inside me made me scream, lash out, run to hide and then be unable to let him touch me for days.

Last weekend I took the girls I look after swimming. A tiny little boy was struggling to swim and he grabbed hold of me, unfortunately (as kids do!) grabbing my boob AND splashing water in my face at the same time. Now he was only 4 at most, no threat. So why did it trigger a barage of memories of the things he did to me, and why did I have a panic attack and need to throw up in the changing rooms? I sure as hell don't know, but it's enough to put me off taking the kids swimming again for a long time.

You have to bear in mind that it might not be anything obviously correlating that he worries about. It could be that you spank him and it hits somewhere that was a burn once, and the remembered pain makes him freak. It could be that you tie his legs apart at the cold air on his genitals brings back hideous memories. It could be that you hurt him, then tell him you love him-just like mummy used to do after she'd burnt his ass on the stove. You dont have to be acting out exactly for it to trigger.

I have assumed you're dominant in this-if you want him to be dominant then I would imagine his worries are of being like his abusers-no matter how much you're screaming yes, harder.

Part of loving each other is accepting that sometimes no means no. For your sake, his sake, and the scared hurt little boy who still lives inside him, I hope you understand and honour that. Xx

Entirely well said. Although I will play devil's advocate a bit and say this: it is possible to play at BDSM with a person who's suffered through abuse. One just has to be a little more careful in the way you play.

For example, I have certain triggers that'll make me completely shut down if they're pulled- don't grab my wrists and try to force me down, for one- and my wife knows this. She's extra careful not to do that, or any of the other things that might cause a flashback or a panic attack. In some ways that kind of care can actually bring two people closer, even if it does require a somewhat disproportionate level of sacrifice for one party: my wife likes to be slapped sometimes in the heat of the moment, but she recognises that I can't bring myself to hit anyone in the head without bad stuff happening. It's the same reason she no longer slaps me on the back of the head, playfully, like she does with the rest of her family. It can be therapeutic, opening yourself up to another person like that and showing them the darker things you might prefer hidden, but it does take a light touch.

OP, it's possible to do this, but through it all you need to remember that you're not the one with the damage. He is, and in this case you may need to make some observances that could seem nonsensical to you, but are deadly serious to him. Communication is absolutely the key, and if your kink is a hard no for him, that may be where you need to leave it. Ultimately it's just kind of a weird spot to be in, and so specific to your man that I can only really comment on my own experiences but, for god's sake, tread lightly if you intend to make an issue of this with him. You might be 'annoyed,' as you put it, but I hope you can understand the position he's in and find some positive way to get over it.

 

[Chiara_searches]

OP, it's possible to do this, but through it all you need to remember that you're not the one with the damage.

In life in general, and in love in particular, we should all strive to do no lasting damage.

Yes, I understand this is a BDSM board where a certain kind of damage is expected. But we should never seek to harm someone in a way that is uninvited or unwanted. Without a lot of hard work, IMHO, you will cause damage to one you love by forcing your desires upon him without regard for the consequences.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hmm. Here I was assuming that the OP wanted to be topped, (or Dommed) which is so much more usual in these cases-- I tend to support those folk, because they know what they can handle.

But topping someone succesfully and pleasurably, can only be done with their consent. if you are angry at your husband because he won't let you top him, knowing that he's been tied up and hurt badly as a child-- You might need to do some serious thinking about your own issues.

And believe me, I KNOW what that frustration feels like. You might find an outlet for those needs outside of your marriage, actually. A lot of us end up doing that.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I could not agree more with what has been said so far. Playing with those that you know have a history of abuse will take alot of trust and patience at the very least.
It comes across that you're angry that he 'won't' and you aren't seeing that given his history, it's quite possible that he 'can't'. If you're going to push this forward, it needs to come from the right place, and be something he wants to work towards also.

 

[Kinkybytch]

to one who asked what sort of things i like i actually am more dominant but i dont mind if he took the lead in it i like certain cases to be the submissive one it all works for me now what sort of things that get me going hes more or less afraid of because of his childhood that and he says but what if i hurt you... which I have stressed I can tolerate pain what would hurt or be painful for another isnt painful for me I like alot of " breath play" restraints on other party or myself whichever mood im in at that time being bit til blood is drawn even being presented with a straight razor and (obviously not cutting too deep) i like to be hit across my backside with anything from hand to paddle and do the spanking,nipple clit clamps love em degrading and being degraded turns me on im not even put off by receiving anal sex i love it... and candle wax doesnt turn me off just never tried it im not sure what type of candle is best to use.. so im fair game to try anything i know my limits and there is only two in my book animals and kids WILL NOT be apart of.. have alot of rape fantasys ive told him about he just looked at me in shock didnt know what to say when i told him i want to be the "jogger" in a park after dark in late night hours and wanted him to put on a disguise and wait til the right time to grab me and drag me into a secluded area and have his way with me.. i was all into it his jaw he practically had to pick up from the floor to me it didnt seem too crazy what i said it seemed so right but i guess thats alot to take and process for a person whos not into something like that or has had no exposure to it

 

[confusedtears]

So basically you've just ignored all we've said. I suggest you seek counselling seeing as you find it so difficult to understand why your husband doesn't want to beat the crap out of you/rape you.

Instead of overfacing him with all your overdramatic 'I'll do anything', why don't you try to start v low key.. Ie id love it if you fucked me whilst I'm tied with scarves.

Tbh you're freaking ME out with your posts so I'm not surprised your husband feels overfaced.

 

[HottieMama]

So basically you've just ignored all we've said. I suggest you seek counselling seeing as you find it so difficult to understand why your husband doesn't want to beat the crap out of you/rape you.

Instead of overfacing him with all your overdramatic 'I'll do anything', why don't you try to start v low key.. Ie id love it if you fucked me whilst I'm tied with scarves.

Tbh you're freaking ME out with your posts so I'm not surprised your husband feels overfaced.

While I am not freaked out, I do sense a lot of newbie "kid in a candy store" mentality going on here. Do you realize you are asking a LOT out of any top, much less someone who may NOT even be a top, that also has severe issues based on a horrendous abuse history????

If he doesn't want to do these things, you need to accept that. You can't say that you "love him to death" in one breath, but show no respect for him and his mental state in the next one. The two do not add up and it only makes you look like a petulant toddler stamping her feet to get her way.

 

[Kinkybytch]

So basically you've just ignored all we've said. I suggest you seek counselling seeing as you find it so difficult to understand why your husband doesn't want to beat the crap out of you/rape you.

Instead of overfacing him with all your overdramatic 'I'll do anything', why don't you try to start v low key.. Ie id love it if you fucked me whilst I'm tied with scarves.

Tbh you're freaking ME out with your posts so I'm not surprised your husband feels overfaced.

I never said i was ignoring what you said one post said what i was talking about as in what i prefer and thats what i prefer.. i havent sprung it ALL on him just told him certain things of what im into trust me if i wouldve went into all of it it wouldve been too much for him to handle

 

[Kurokami]

Uh huh. The problem isn't with what you want, it's with what he wants. It's perfectly fine if you believe you'd enjoy all that stuff, but you have to understand that it's kind of hardcore, and there might be some humans, seemingly the one married to you, that aren't into that. The scenarios you describe really are going from zero to a hundred in a single night, and that's probably not how this is going to work in real life.

If the stuff that works for you is frightening him because of his childhood pain, then the fact that you think you can take it is irrelevant. The fact is, he doesn't want to do that, he's legitimately worried about harming the person he loves and beyond that, he's working through some genuine, serious issues and you need to support him through those before you start asking for the weird stuff. And for god's sake, make it a sliding slope, because people in a delicate mindset like that aren't going to be able to just jump into action.

And also, as a lot of people have said previously, including myself, it might just come down to the fact that no means no, in the end.

 

[neci]

to one who asked what sort of things i like i actually am more dominant but i dont mind if he took the lead in it i like certain cases to be the submissive one it all works for me now what sort of things that get me going hes more or less afraid of because of his childhood that and he says but what if i hurt you... which I have stressed I can tolerate pain what would hurt or be painful for another isnt painful for me I like alot of " breath play" restraints on other party or myself whichever mood im in at that time being bit til blood is drawn even being presented with a straight razor and (obviously not cutting too deep) i like to be hit across my backside with anything from hand to paddle and do the spanking,nipple clit clamps love em degrading and being degraded turns me on im not even put off by receiving anal sex i love it... and candle wax doesnt turn me off just never tried it im not sure what type of candle is best to use.. so im fair game to try anything i know my limits and there is only two in my book animals and kids WILL NOT be apart of.. have alot of rape fantasys ive told him about he just looked at me in shock didnt know what to say when i told him i want to be the "jogger" in a park after dark in late night hours and wanted him to put on a disguise and wait til the right time to grab me and drag me into a secluded area and have his way with me.. i was all into it his jaw he practically had to pick up from the floor to me it didnt seem too crazy what i said it seemed so right but i guess thats alot to take and process for a person whos not into something like that or has had no exposure to it

this entire post is about you. you. you. you.

my marriage. in my book.

as long as you can only see yourself, you won't be able to move forward.

 

[Stella_Omega]

to one who asked what sort of things i like i actually am more dominant but i dont mind if he took the lead in it i like certain cases to be the submissive one it all works for me now what sort of things that get me going hes more or less afraid of because of his childhood that and he says but what if i hurt you... which I have stressed I can tolerate pain what would hurt or be painful for another isnt painful for me I like alot of " breath play" restraints on other party or myself whichever mood im in at that time being bit til blood is drawn even being presented with a straight razor and (obviously not cutting too deep) i like to be hit across my backside with anything from hand to paddle and do the spanking,nipple clit clamps love em degrading and being degraded turns me on im not even put off by receiving anal sex i love it... and candle wax doesnt turn me off just never tried it im not sure what type of candle is best to use.. so im fair game to try anything i know my limits and there is only two in my book animals and kids WILL NOT be apart of.. have alot of rape fantasys ive told him about he just looked at me in shock didnt know what to say when i told him i want to be the "jogger" in a park after dark in late night hours and wanted him to put on a disguise and wait til the right time to grab me and drag me into a secluded area and have his way with me.. i was all into it his jaw he practically had to pick up from the floor to me it didnt seem too crazy what i said it seemed so right but i guess thats alot to take and process for a person whos not into something like that or has had no exposure to it

yeah, rape scenes are rough to ask for even when the guy has never been abused. Not to mention the possibility of being arrested for rape.

I'll be back in awhile with some suggestions for you, to help him understand your tolerances better.

 

[Chiara_searches]

this entire post is about you. you. you. you.

my marriage. in my book.

as long as you can only see yourself, you won't be able to move forward.

QFT

There are two of you in the bedroom, one of whom survived horrific events. It should never be "all" about you even if he didn't live through those horrors.