advice for subbie

[simply_subbie]

im thinking of meeting up with a new play partner. he is someone i met online and have not met in person yet. every play partner ive ever had has been someone that ive known, so im a little nervous about staying safe.

i was hoping maybe you could give me a bit of advice on some things i could do to help ensure my safety. ive heard of calling a friend at a predetermined time to check in, but would that actually do anything. i plan on meeting him in a public place, but eventually we'd have to go to a private place.

just so you know, i dont get any creep vibes from him. if i did i wouldnt be considering this. i have just never done this before and am probably being overly paranoid, but id rather be safe than sorry. i mean kidnap and rape can make great fantasies, but i wouldnt want to experience them in real life.

thanks in advance for any help.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

im thinking of meeting up with a new play partner. he is someone i met online and have not met in person yet. every play partner ive ever had has been someone that ive known, so im a little nervous about staying safe.

i was hoping maybe you could give me a bit of advice on some things i could do to help ensure my safety. ive heard of calling a friend at a predetermined time to check in, but would that actually do anything. i plan on meeting him in a public place, but eventually we'd have to go to a private place.

just so you know, i dont get any creep vibes from him. if i did i wouldnt be considering this. i have just never done this before and am probably being overly paranoid, but id rather be safe than sorry. i mean kidnap and rape can make great fantasies, but i wouldnt want to experience them in real life.

thanks in advance for any help.

I have met two people in real life that I initially met online. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can let you know what I did. First of all, I had more than one person to call, which I did at least once a day. I also texted quick little notes several times a day to let them know what was going on. We also had predetermined keywords, something that would not bring attention from the person I was with but not something I would accidentally say, that meant they should call the police in case I was being forced to say everything was fine. They knew the full name of the people, where they lived, their phone number, their vehicle type (license plate # wouldn't hurt), at least one photograph, etc. You get the idea.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[twysted73]

As my submissive did with me, ensure you have "safe calls". Check in times using words that mean "so far so good" as well as some that mean "i'm in trouble, use the contact information I gave you and call the cops".

 

[the captians wench]

out side of my foundations, all of my play partners have been met online.

Rule one, the more people that know the better. I have a core group of friends, and my mom, that will know who I'm meeting, what time, where we are meeting, and if I intend to let this go into a play thing or not. They also know what kind of car he drives, and a full discription, if not a picure.

My mom is my safecall. I call her when I leave the house, I also call my friends at that time. I then set a time to call her back, but some times she'll call me early. We also agree that there will be a second call, and if she worries about me, she'll call and check on me again. If I ever don't answer the phone, she knows something is up. If I don't let my friends know that I'm okay every once in a while, they will call me as well. If I am in trouble I have a certain word to use and then they will know something's up.

But the trick with a safecall is to have a plan if something goes wrong. If my mom can't get ahold of me, she has one friend's number, if he can't get ahold of me after that, he'll come out looking for me ready to give some one a pounding they didn't consent to. No good to have a safecall if you don't have a plan for what to do if something does go wrong.

Other than that, just don't feel obligated. Just because you agree to meet him doesn't mean he's intitaled to play with you.

 

[kittenartist]

I was going to say meet in public and do not go anywhere private on the first meeting... then I realized that is exactly what my boy did when we met in person for the first time. In fact, he did not even tell anyone where he was or who he was meeting and then let me take him home... *ponders* Not smart. Good thing I did not kill him, sheesh.

Personally, I do not meet people alone anymore. First meetings have always included my best friend (ex-husband). Not exactly romantic or good for play. However, I always feel safe and the person I am meeting gets bonus points for not complaining about my safety measures.

I think the best advice (in addition to "safecalls") is trust your instincts. You said you have no bad feelings about him currently. This is good. But if you get together in person and get a bad feeling just trust yourself and leave. Do not talk yourself out of your instincts by telling yourself you are being "paranoid"... I think that advice is good in any situation -- people ignore their gut too often.

"Just because you feel certain an enemy is lurking behind every bush, it doesn't follow that you are wrong."

 

[cherokee_dove]

Subbie, here is a link to a site for BDSM'ers; that deals with what your asking about.

http://www.evilmonk.org/A/safenote.cfm#offline

First and foremost, "safe calls" and "1st meets in public places". i usually have it set up at a restaurant in the next town. And have my "sister" aka best friend in the world; get there a few minutes ahead of me, where she has her own table where she can keep an eye on whats going on.

That way she knows what the guy looks like if something happens later on and the cops need a description.

Be safe and have fun

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Well I've had the great pleasure in meeting ladies online and some here from literotica. I knew they had safe calls and was pleased they used them. Some here had the advantage of talking with my previous submissives. So they had the added comfort of learning about me in a different light before we met. I have also been the one waiting by the phone. It is important you follow through with your schedule for safe calls. As not fun having to call someone 6-7 times in a morning wondering if they are ok. As just because having fun doesn't mean your call doesn't have to to be made. I'd hoped the couple she was with would have realized. But it seems they were either beginners or just didn't think. So make your experience fun for all and be safe and courteous.

 

[licker4450]

All wonderful suggestions. Having all the pertinent information is vital. Get his full name, address, phone number (call it to verify), car, etc... Leave this info with a couple of people.

 

[subwannabe]

All good advice but, playing devil's advocate, I must say that if you are dead, you are dead and cannot be brought back to life - no matter how many people know exactly where you are and who you are with. If it were me, I would schedule several friendly meetings at public places first with friends along and become friends with him first. If you wind up playing in the future, then great.

 

[Gun_Shy]

the ladies

Most posts I've seen on this are about women protecting themselves from men. Guys, this is all great advice for you too. You never know if the woman you're meeting might turn all axe murderer on YOU. Seems like more of the time women are worried about protecting themselves from men than men are about protecting themselves from women, because of all of that evil testosterone I guess. Gents don't be too self assured that you're man enough to handle a skirt alone ^^

 

[simply_subbie]

thanks for the help everyone

and thank you, cherokee dove, for that link.

i feel a lot better about this now.

 

[cherokee_dove]

Your welcome, and remember; trust your instincts.

 

[WriterDom]

It depends on how well you feel you know him. He should as a minimum offer references, meeting in public, safe calls, all the usual stuff. I don't usually practice what I preach with the exception of a safe call letting someone letting them know they made it here and are with me and feel safe. But whatever they need, I'll give them.

But I generally don't meet people I haven't known for at least six weeks.

 

[kinkyknickers]

I met someone online once and he jumped on a train and came down and met me about three hours after we met.

I didn't tell anyone about it, I was too embarrassed.

He was cool, we hooked up and he said goodbye in the morning and I never heard form him again, which is what I wanted.

Having said that, I was more than just a bit off guts and wouldn't do it again.
If you're really concerned then maybe bring a friend with you? I know it's not terribly sexy but someone that knows you may have a less biased vibe from him than you would.

Still it's no more dangerous than picking up someone in a bar, and I've done that plenty, without any hassel.

Good luck, KK.

 

[Homburg]

I don't usually practice what I preach

Call it overconfidence, but I don't either. Honestly, I'm a big boy and can take care of myself. If I get into situation where I legitimately need help, things are so very fucked that a safecall would likely be too late.

That said, I do let people know where I am going, where I am staying etc, and make initial meetings in public places. And I don't tend to meet people until I've known them for a while.

It's kind of like what KK said. People go home with bar pick-ups all the time, and don't bat an eye at it. That is something I would honestly not do, and never have done.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Personally I think that the conversations before an arranged meeting are where I look for red flags. Anyone can be a model human being for the duration of a drink or a meal. I look for minor discrepancies in what a guy says, ask him the same things a week or two apart and see if I get the same answer. I also like talking on the phone rather than IM prior to a meeting because I'm more able to pick up on nuances of expression and anything in his tone that should alarm me. I even knew a sub who bought a cheap SIM card that she used while chatting with and screening potential doms and then discarded once her search was over. Last thing you need is some bored, jilted, no-lifer with your number.