Advantages/disadvattages to my death

[SexuallyGifted]

I have a decent job meaning I can do it with my eyes closed if I wanted to. Tonight at work I was thinking over my obsession with my death. In my very anylitical mind I try to see the advantages and disadvantages to everything. Tonight it just happened to be my death & since there's no one I can really speak to I figured I would post them here.

Advantages

1) Midnight Angel would not have to worry about our son finding out I am his father

2) She would'nt have to worry about her current husband finding out we had an affair (same goes for my wife.)

3) It seems everyone's life I touch I end up hurting so I would'nt be able to cause pain to anyone else.

4) my wife would have my life insurance $$ and be able to pay off the house etc. I increased it about 8-9 months ago to 500,000

There are others but those are the main 4, now for the Disadvantages..

1) I have 3 children with my wife, and they would grow up w/out me as thier father, (however my oldest son with midnight angel has grown up just fine w/out me there so I have no reason to believe that the other 3 would'nt be ok as well.

2) Not seeing my kids grow up & being a grand parent

3) Never knowing what kind of life I could have had if I had stuck it out.



More ranting.... I want to believe that I am a good person,husband and father but all the evidence says no, I wonder why I need validation from others to know my life has meaning to know that I am ok,,,I could take the easy way out and blame it on a messed up childhood.. I could say I done the best I could but it just was'nt good enough, well that's just BullShit cause my best has to be...The very few close friends I have tell me that they believe in me, that I'll be ok etc and all this is just due to me being Bipolar..But if I dont have faith in myself all of these ppl telling me this does'nt mean anything & never will.

So I guess as I draw near the end of this post, if I know anything it's this

I am ready for death, but I am not going to go insearch of it

 

[mistressastra]

You said the best thing right there

If you have children, don't they count for something? They will want to have their Dad around any way they can. I spent little time with mine until just before he died after a bungled operation. If I had known...........oh, too late for regrets. Don't sell yourself short in that department. Kids need their fathers. Now, later, always. As the saying goes, husbands/wives come and go, your children are there forever. From the second they are born, you are Dad.

Another point, insurance won't pay if anyone's death is less than accidental.

We make mistakes every day of our lives. Some bad some horrid. But allowing them to destroy you is no answer. Face them, admit you made them, and if you can salvage the best of what's left. Would admitting to your wife force her to leave you? Is that a fear you have? I can't tell you what to do but try counseling if you can afford it. Just talking to someone who is objective can help. We all face nasty stuff and I can say, I too have wanted to just let it all go. So easy. But hell, I am more desirous of this foolish, hateful, hardlived world of ours than I am to leave it. There is still alot I want to do and see.

We understand your pains. So rant if you wish. It does help sometimes. *hug*

 

[AzureAngel]

3) It seems everyone's life I touch I end up hurting so I would'nt be able to cause pain to anyone else.


This isn't a very rational disadvantage. This is completely subjective view that's really distorted towards the negative.

 

[Reverie]

Well said MistressEstra!

Okay, if you are saying that you might consider suicide, then don't. It's a cowardly way out and leaves a lot of pain for those who loved you. And don't think that you'd be able to fake it as an accident. It wouldn't work. Some insurance salesman would ferret out the truth.

Years ago, In the midst of a very bad depression, I attempted suicide. It is not pleasant.It is not easy. No matter how much you think you want to die, when your close to death you don't want it to happen. The redeeming thing about my suicide attempt was that it taught me that life is precious. Even now I get depressed and thoughts of ending it all will flitter across my mind but remembering the feelings I had after being "saved" by my doctors and thinking about all the amazing things I would have missed out on keeps me going.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. It's way too late for me to still be up. Goodnight All.

If your life makes you unhappy then change it. It takes courage to seek happiness but it's worth it. Only you can make yourself happy and if you aren't happy then you have to look inside yourself.

 

[Debbie]

More ranting.... I want to believe that I am a good person,husband and father but all the evidence says no, I wonder why I need validation from others to know my life has meaning to know that I am ok,,,I could take the easy way out and blame it on a messed up childhood.. I could say I done the best I could but it just was'nt good enough, well that's just BullShit cause my best has to be...The very few close friends I have tell me that they believe in me, that I'll be ok etc and all this is just due to me being Bipolar..But if I dont have faith in myself all of these ppl telling me this does'nt mean anything & never will.

So I guess as I draw near the end of this post, if I know anything it's this

I am ready for death, but I am not going to go insearch of it

I agree you need to have faith/believe in yourself. No matter what anyone else says they cannot change how you feel.
They can support you, listen to you and advise but they cannot
alter your way of thinking.
If you are bipolar are you getting counselling or able to get together with other people who have bipolar disorder? Are you taking medication?

My stepdaughter is bi polar and I have a small glimpse of what that means.

I hope you can find that faith/belief in yourself and things
get better. I have no magic wand or astounding advice but
by posting your true feelings you are making a step forward.

On a side note? My Dad died when I was 8. I will always miss him. I don't remember hugs from him. I have very few memories
or pictures of him. If I had only one wish it would be that I could hug him, have dinner with him and tell him I love him.
Your kids need you to be there for them, no matter how old they
are. Having your parents in your life is a wonderful thing.

Silly things come into my mind every now and then. So many questions and I can't ask my Dad. What was his favourite colour etc.

I wish you well.

 

[sch00lteacher]

That is one frightening message to someone with a history of working in the mental health field and law enforcement.

Please find a licended counselor to talk to. Make the phone call today.

If your not sure why, PM me. Again, please.

 

[Wylde Angel66]

Hey you, I happen to think you forgot one very serious disadvantage to your death. That Is you would'nt get to meet ME. LOL

Have a good day SG you deserve one.

XOXOXOXO

why dont you stop and see me sometime