A study in abusive control

I'mVan

A god in a past life
Joined
Sep 20, 2002
Posts
2,119
Consider a picture: A happy family, smiling parents and children.

But at home, behind closed doors, we find a crying and scared woman. "You're sick," he tells her, "I don't really hit you, you're just depressed. The doctors told you you were crazy." She's heard it all before, so many times she wonders some days if it's true.

The days pass, he drinks her pay cheques and goes hunting.

"Son," says she, "You can't pee in the gutter."

"Ignore your mother," says he, "You can do what you want."

Time, she cries and he shoves her. Or perhaps it's the other way around. She can't even tell the difference between him bludgeoning her sanity and her body anymore.

Retreat.

But not really, you can't run away, he'll kill you. A fantasy world then the internet. But the internet is full of real people, and diverse sites. Find an interest and people who share it. Acceptance, and more. Desire, trust, friendship. You share things with like minded people, things that you might never share with your RL circle, but that's cool. It's fantasy, and it's anonymous. Right?

Lover comes and goes, feelings of pain and betrayal on both sides. Bitterness to add to the metallic tang of the blood in her mouth.

Move out, call the police. Where did the courage come from? But you'll be safe, the law is on your side. It's a shame he has no respect for the law, and is so manipulative and persuasive. And scary. Move home. Cry.

They say timing is everything, and just when she is finding the strength in friendships to try and break free again, a new light comes. A man who treats her with respect and friendship, who shares her dreams and hopes. And desires. Such a friendship.

She makes a break, runs, far, back to the place she grew up. Where the new friend is from. He provides a haven for her and her children as she tries to rebuild a safer life.

Then it starts. Her husband has broken the laws protecting her from his interference, when it all comes down to it, that's the only reason she had to run. But he wont let go. He searches and delves, coerces and connives day and night. Twisting and manipulating everyone until he is able to find a morsel of information to drive him on.

The friends phone number.

Within a week of flight from his control and abuse, the calls start. Day and night, night and day. The friend knew she was scared, but hadn't understood just what it really meant.

Day after day, night after night, demanding contact with children and wife. Regaling the friend with tales of insanity and debauchery. Pleading, blackmailing and insisting.

She moves on to her own home, address protect by safety devices set up for exactly these cases. Phone number unlisted. Within days, somehow, he has her number. Respite for the friend. But if he thought he was getting harassed, it's a fraction of what she now has to put up with.

He finds her on-line retreat. The things she said, the things she did. It's ammunition now. He can't abuse her body anymore, but he can still mess with her mind. Blackmail and breaching the anonymous safety that was her fantasy world. There is no safe place.

He finds her on-line retreat. The things she said, the things she did, the friends she had made. It's ammunition now. He can't abuse her body anymore, but he can still mess with her mind. He doesn't know enough to contact the online friends. He coerces an acquaintance to do it. Between the two of them, they spread lies to people they don't even know, people that she had thought would be safe from all of this. Blackmail and breaching the anonymous safety that was her fantasy world. There is no safe place.

She breaks down, it's not that she wants to deny him access to his children, but he uses them as a tool to control her. She answers one of the calls, picks up the phone, he'll be there. She should have known better. But the pressure is just so much. They love him. "I love you more than mummy does," he tells them."

"Daddy loves me more than you do," they tell her. "I love daddy more than you"

Cry.
 
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Bloody hell..

There just isn't anything that else that I can say .. :(
 
I'm so sorry. I lived this, but I was not the abused wife, I was one of the children. I'm just so sorry.
 
It is a huge pity that too often the man can get away with all sorts of shit basically through the virtue of being male. It shames the rest of us or at least it should.

Meeting up with a dick head like the one illustrated in your post ImVan is my fondest wish.

Abuse in a relationship is the cowards way of self validating the weak assholes existence. He can't hold on to love so he tries for a cheap facimile... through fear.
 
There are some stories online that no one believes.

Then there are stories like this. Stories told with absolute honesty and candor and they make you realize that there ARE real people behind the user names.

Stories that make you cry with their realism.
 
Having a good friend in this situation is a wonderful thing. :rose:
I would never have survived without my friends
in a situation similiar to this.
 
Originally posted by I'mVan

Consider a picture: A happy family, smiling parents and children.

But at home, behind closed doors, we find a crying and scared woman. "You're sick," he tells her, "I don't really hit you, you're just depressed. The doctors told you you were crazy." She's heard it all before, so many times she wonders some days if it's true.

That's Right Motherfucker! Now Lets See What This Feels Like! ~Thump~

The days pass, he drinks her pay cheques and goes hunting.

Great, He's Gone Out! What Do Ya Wanna Eat Little Folk?

"Son," says she, "You can't pee in the gutter."

"Ignore your mother," says he, "You can do what you want."

Ignore Yer Father, He Beats Me And Acts Like A Shithead To You!, When Was The Last Time HE Bought You A Toy? Nevermind That, If You Pee In That Ditch, I'll Tell All Your Girlfriends When Yer Older, Go Play, Daddy And I Have Some Manners To Learn. I Love You.

Time, she cries and he shoves her. Or perhaps it's the other way around. She can't even tell the difference between him bludgeoning her sanity and her body anymore.

Maybe Some

Retreat.

But not really, you can't run away, he'll kill you. A fantasy world then the internet. But the internet is full of real people, and diverse sites. Find an interest and people who share it. Acceptance, and more. Desire, trust, friendship. You share things with like minded people, things that you might never share with your RL circle, but that's cool. It's fantasy, and it's anonymous. Right?

Who Cares If He Kills Me! I'm Gonna Make Him. If He Wants To Find Out About That, Someone Knows And Has Documented Truth About This Whole Motherfucking Thing! He'll Not Think About It Anywhere But A Small Cell.

Lover comes and goes, feelings of pain and betrayal on both sides. Bitterness to add to the metallic tang of the blood in her mouth.

Move out, call the police. Where did the courage come from? But you'll be safe, the law is on your side. It's a shame he has no respect for the law, and is so manipulative and persuasive. And scary. Move home. Cry.

I Got Out, I'm Not Going Back, You Can Say Anything You Want, Do Anything You Want, I'll Make It A Horrible Mistake For You, I Promise.

He finds her on-line retreat. The things she said, the things she did, the friends she had made. It's ammunition now. He can't abuse her body anymore, but he can still mess with her mind. He doesn't know enough to contact the online friends. He coerces an acquaintance to do it. Between the two of them, they spread lies to people they don't even know, people that she had thought would be safe from all of this. Blackmail and breaching the anonymous safety that was her fantasy world. There is no safe place.

So I Like To Give Virtual Blowjobs And Had An Online Affair! You Tell Everyone That! I'll Tell Them About Your Penchant For Quick And Violent Sex, Then I'll Show & Tell Them Too!

They say timing is everything, and just when she is finding the strength in friendships to try and break free again, a new light comes. A man who treats her with respect and friendship, who shares her dreams and hopes. And desires. Such a friendship.

Another Man! Not Freaking Likely. Hey Yer A Real Nice Dude And Such, But I Have Had Quite Enough Of Ya'll Right Now, And This Old Guy Isn't Gone Yet, SO It'll Just Strain Everything Too Much And I Gotta Get These Kids And I Settled To Start A New Life. I Got Yer Number, I'll See If Yer Still Up In A Coupla Years.

She makes a break, runs, far, back to the place she grew up. Where the new friend is from. He provides a haven for her and her children as she tries to rebuild a safer life.

Then it starts. Her husband has broken the laws protecting her from his interference, when it all comes down to it, that's the only reason she had to run. But he wont let go. He searches and delves, coerces and connives day and night. Twisting and manipulating everyone until he is able to find a morsel of information to drive him on.

The friends phone number.

Within a week of flight from his control and abuse, the calls start. Day and night, night and day. The friend knew she was scared, but hadn't understood just what it really meant.

Day after day, night after night, demanding contact with children and wife. Regaling the friend with tales of insanity and debauchery. Pleading, blackmailing and insisting.

Moves Right To This Place In Time

She moves on to her own home, address protect by safety devices set up for exactly these cases. Phone number unlisted. Within days, somehow, he has her number. Respite for the friend. But if he thought he was getting harassed, it's a fraction of what she now has to put up with.

He finds her on-line retreat. The things she said, the things she did. It's ammunition now. He can't abuse her body anymore, but he can still mess with her mind. Blackmail and breaching the anonymous safety that was her fantasy world. There is no safe place.

So I Like To Give Virtual Blowjobs And Had An Online Affair! You Tell Everyone That! I'll Tell Them About Your Penchant For Quick And Violent Sex, Then I'll Show & Tell Them Too!

She breaks down, it's not that she wants to deny him access to his children, but he uses them as a tool to control her. She answers one of the calls, picks up the phone, he'll be there. She should have known better. But the pressure is just so much. They love him. "I love you more than mummy does," he tells them."

"Daddy loves me more than you do," they tell her. "I love daddy more than you"

I Don't Care What Your Father Says, I Love You Too. When You Go To See Daddy, Have A Good Time And Then Come Home, But What He Says About Me Is Nothing I Care To Know About, You Watch, You Listen, You'll Understand One Day, And If You Don't, Well I Still Love You, And That's What I Want You To Remember, K?
If You Love Him More Than I, Then That's Just Too Bad, Cuz I'm IT, And I Love Ya Kid!


Goes To Room, Alone, And,
Cries.

Wipes My Face, Then Makes And Serves A Dinner That Dad'll Never Be Able To!


I'm Very Sorry For This Situation, But As You Can See, I Would NOT Stand For Any Of It!!
 
I really don't know what to say... but I had to post to acknowlege I read the post and want to pass on strenght for those in that kind of situation....
 
Wow! Just wow! So much of that fits my situation right now. It certainly highlights my fears! Not the online part, but the not letting go and following me and harrassing me and trying to turn the kids against me, and just everything! I leave tomorrow and I hope to God he just lets it go and doesn't try to convince me to come back because I'm afraid I might. Hmmm....maybe I should have saved my rambling for the blurt threads! Sorry I'mVan!
 
Shadwann2 said:
Wow! Just wow! So much of that fits my situation right now. It certainly highlights my fears! Not the online part, but the not letting go and following me and harrassing me and trying to turn the kids against me, and just everything! I leave tomorrow and I hope to God he just lets it go and doesn't try to convince me to come back because I'm afraid I might. Hmmm....maybe I should have saved my rambling for the blurt threads! Sorry I'mVan!

Don't go back. Ever. Remember all the cruel things he has done or said. Never go back. Go forward, be safe and enjoy your life.
:rose:
 
Shadwann2 said:
Hmmm....maybe I should have saved my rambling for the blurt threads! Sorry I'mVan!
Never say sorry... you are a wrothy person and derserve to let your feelings out any time... we care and wish you all the strenght it takes to make it through the haze...

:rose: You are woman you are stong :rose:

:) :kiss: :)
 
T.H. Oughts said:
Never say sorry... you are a wrothy person and derserve to let your feelings out any time... we care and wish you all the strenght it takes to make it through the haze...

:rose: You are woman you are stong :rose:

:) :kiss: :)

Thank you and debbie...sometimes it's hard to remember to be strong. He got arrested for dragging me down a filght of cement steps when I was 5 month pregnant and he hasn't raised a hand to me since, but he is getting more and more violent towards the kids. I have to do this more for them than myself. They don't need a father who treats them that way.

I will have some support...my sister-in-law just left my husband's brother yesterday and I'm moving to another state to live with her. We can support each other and help each other through this. I don't think I could do it on my own. We have decided that the whole family is fucked up and their mother did a piss poor job raising her boys! I know we'll both be better without them!
 
You will be a lot better off.
And your kids will thank you for it.
Good luck and safe travels on your journey
to a new and better life.
:rose:
I know how hard it is and say to you.
Good on you for being so courageous
and taking your kids away from this situation.
 
Shadwann2 said:
I will have some support...my sister-in-law just left my husband's brother yesterday and I'm moving to another state to live with her. We can support each other and help each other through this.
That's good you have someone to hold hands with along the way.... just know you are the better person for doing this for your kids and yourself....

None of what he had done to you or your kids is your fault...
:rose:
 
debbiexxx said:
You will be a lot better off.
And your kids will thank you for it.
Good luck and safe travels on your journey
to a new and better life.
:rose:
I know how hard it is and say to you.
Good on you for being so courageous
and taking your kids away from this situation.

:heart: Thank you. I know I'm doing the right thing, deep down, but it's still very hard. I just have to keep reminding myself that my kids deserve better.
 
Shadwann2 said:
:heart: Thank you. I know I'm doing the right thing, deep down, but it's still very hard. I just have to keep reminding myself that my kids deserve better.
Not just the kids but you also deserve the best the world can bring...
 
Shadwann2!

I Send All My Strength Your Way!

Enjoy Your New Life, Forget About This And Don't Fall Into Another Abusive Situation. Love & Respect Are Much More Fun, Than Pain And Hate. Those Little People Need You To Stand Up And Grab The Life You All Belong To, You Are Strong, You Are All Woman, And A Great Mum For Taking Such A Difficult And Scary Step To That New Life.

You Need No Luck, You Got The Skills Darlin!
 
T.H. Oughts said:
That's good you have someone to hold hands with along the way.... just know you are the better person for doing this for your kids and yourself....

None of what he had done to you or your kids is your fault...
:rose:

Her leaving her husband is what finally gave me the courage to make these palns and leave too. She is very strong because she is doing this with a 3 month old baby! We will be strong together and keep each other from giving up and going back.

I know it's not my kids' fault but sometimes I feel like it's my fault because I am a bitch! But no matter how I am towards him, I still don't deserve to have him cheat one me, lie to me, and scare me by throwing things around! I'm kinda excited to see what life is like when I'm free of him. No more controling, no more fear, no more guilt trips!:D
 
Re: Shadwann2!

RudeNastyAssBitch said:
I Send All My Strength Your Way!

Enjoy Your New Life, Forget About This And Don't Fall Into Another Abusive Situation. Love & Respect Are Much More Fun, Than Pain And Hate. Those Little People Need You To Stand Up And Grab The Life You All Belong To, You Are Strong, You Are All Woman, And A Great Mum For Taking Such A Difficult And Scary Step To That New Life.

You Need No Luck, You Got The Skills Darlin!

Thank you!:heart: Reading what all of you have said is really making me feel better about this. I'm still scared of what my life will be like but I feel better about going now. I keep asking myself if I'm doing the right thing, and now I feel like I can really say that, yes, I am!:rose:
 
Shadwann2 said:

I know it's not my kids' fault but sometimes I feel like it's my fault because I am a bitch! But no matter how I am towards him, I still don't deserve to have him cheat one me, lie to me, and scare me by throwing things around! I'm kinda excited to see what life is like when I'm free of him. No more controling, no more fear, no more guilt trips!:D

It does not matter who you are or your personality... you deserve the best a person can offer you....
 
Shadwann2 said:
Her leaving her husband is what finally gave me the courage to make these palns and leave too. She is very strong because she is doing this with a 3 month old baby! We will be strong together and keep each other from giving up and going back.

I know it's not my kids' fault but sometimes I feel like it's my fault because I am a bitch! But no matter how I am towards him, I still don't deserve to have him cheat one me, lie to me, and scare me by throwing things around! I'm kinda excited to see what life is like when I'm free of him. No more controling, no more fear, no more guilt trips!:D


I won't lie.. it'll be hard Shadwann. But better to struggle financially than to stay. Trust me. Just remember life is to short to be unhappy.

I'm happy to hear that you and your sister in law will be together, supporting one another during this time. That you'll have someone to lean on and who you can help in return.

I wish you every best in the world..
 
k¡tty said:
I won't lie.. it'll be hard Shadwann. But better to struggle financially than to stay. Trust me. Just remember life is to short to be unhappy.

I'm happy to hear that you and your sister in law will be together, supporting one another during this time. That you'll have someone to lean on and who you can help in return.

I wish you every best in the world..

Thank you. I know it will be hard, but if it changes my life for the better and gives my kids a better future, it'll be worth it!

Now does anyone belong to AAA who can get me a map of the back highways to Iowa?:D My sister-in-law says that when she drove up there a few years ago, she got a map from AAA that showed a fast way to go and stay off the interstates, but she forgot to give it too me before she left!:(
 
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