A question for those with experience

[Mstrskey]

I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man who cares for and loves me deeply. He has taken great pains to satisfy me sexually and allowed me freedoms that would make many other men cringe.

OK....that PSA about my beloved out of the way we get down to the nitty grity.
My husband has a penchant for the sub side of the BDSM lifestyle. All his pornography, his erotica, his fantasies, etc. all deal with being submissive. It is something he truly seems to get off on.
The problem is that personally it's just not my scene...I'm a domineering enough bitch in r/l without bringing it into the bedroom LOL!...but I know it something he really wants to try.
So....for those of you engaged in such a lifestyle; Doms and/or subs what would your suggestions be?
Should I try to hire him a professional and have the job done right?
Is it a persona I should try on for him? (Who knows I might get excited.)
If it's something I do for him how should I go about it, it seems odd to just walk into the bedroom one day and do a total turnabout from my normal sexual behavior, but how does one go about " dominating" somebody?

This is something I really want for him to be able to experience since I know how much it excites him and any suggestions would be most highly appreciated and respected.
Thanks in advance.

 

[BlondGirl]

This is something that I have been struggling with myself.

I have taken a new lover who is a switch, but is mostly submissive. Small doses is all I can recommend for starters.

One thing I like to take a fist full of his hair and pull him to me for a kiss. Pinning him to the wall. Something I enjoy having doen to me.

(Honestly, it is going to take LOTS and LOTS of practice and probably a more patient lover for me to develop the skills -- -I just love this hobby!!!!!!)

 

[SexyChele]

If you haven't tried to dominate you husband, then you won't know how you'll feel, right? I would say to try it. Oh, maybe not a full on scene, just a few things such as light restraint, teasing, orgasm denial. Just to give him a taste of what he might want. Who knows? Maybe you'll find out you really like it. Maybe he'll find out it's just not his thing. Won't know until you've tried. And I would suspect, if he is like most men, he would rather be dominated by a woman he already knows, loves, and trusts. If you find out that it is something you really don't/can't get into, and he really gets off on it, then consider a professional - if you both agree on it.

As to how to introduce it? Frankly, I would surprise him. Have things in place already. Perhaps some wrists restraints on the bed and some toys placed near the bed. You might want to start off the way you usually do, then suddenly "take charge". Yeah, it might be a little confusing at first, but if this is as big a fantasy as you've described, he'll catch up in no time!

Most of all, have FUN!

 

[Mstrskey]

Thanks for the advice

In the bit we have both talked about it he has made it abundantly clear that he would prefer it was me that did this and not a stranger as he already has a comfort/trust level with me that he doesn't think he could duplicate with a stranger.
He also agrees that for me to do it just as a lark would ruin things and for me to do it if i find it just leaves me cold would really ruin it.

I guess for me it's just not something I've ever considered. Well considered seriously at any rate, partly because my experience with it is really limited to bad porn renditions and bodice rippers. At my husbands suggestion and that of a friend who is a switch also- The things you never knew about your friends...lol- I've been doing some reading on the lifestyle to get better informed but I figured since we had our own BDSM board here at lit I'd see what ya'll had to say too.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mstrskey]

Woodcarver...

No not at all, not a ramble to be found good sir!

It's an interesting notion, the idea of switching off. For us though I am the more dominant partner in the relationship though when he gets a bend on him my hubby can be quite authoritative in his own right.
I guess I was sort of suprised- I have no clue as to why and shamedly admit that it probably has something to do with antiquated sexual notions about masculinity- that this was a role he was THAT interested in taking sexually. I figured he got enough of me telling him what to do the rest of the time, he'd want his freedom between the sheets at least...LOL!

I appreciate everyones advice and comments so far. I have alot to learn, but it's easier when I have a place like this to go to get help with my questions.

 

[slvjenn]

Hrmm..

I think i might go about it from a slightly different angle...

First I'd find one of his mags, or stories that had something similar. A picture would be best.

Then I think I might TELL him to give me a back massage. If he groaned, or complained and certainly if he refused, I'd break out the picture and throw it near him and point at the picture.

After a short back massage I might TELL him to rub my feet. By now he should have the idea.

After doing that for a short time I might have him go down on me for a while. I might even go so far as pinning his head to the bed

IF he was good, and didn't complain or moan and grown about his simple tasks then I might allow him to go into the bathroom to masturbate while I went to sleep. If he complained, I'd just roll over and say goodnight.

As a side note, if bondage is his main thing, then i might think about tieing him to the bed while I was on his face. I might also tie his hands behind his back as he went down on me, or maybe even as he massaged me, making him use his body (but not humping me)

 

[Richard49]

Mstrskey

What do you think he wants in the "bedroom" that you could not give?

 

[Ebonyfire]

So....for those of you engaged in such a lifestyle; Doms and/or subs what would your suggestions be?

Well I am a firm believer that you cannot go against your nature. However if you do not know what your nature is, then it will not hurt to try to find out.

Being a dominant woman is who I am, and how I must live. But there are others here who limit their dominance to the bedroom. I do not.

First of all, does he want you to dominate him in the bedroom only?

Does he want you to dominate all the time, or just some of the time?

These are questions that need answering between the two of you.

There is an excellent section in http://www.castlerealm.com that has a section on beginning D/s in a established vanilla relationship. I would start there if I were you.


Should I try to hire him a professional and have the job done right?

Ask him. I would venture a guess and say he wants you to control him, not a total stranger.


Is it a persona I should try on for him? (Who knows I might get excited.)

You can see if the "role" is compatible with your nature, but if it causes you emotional harm to try, then tell him so.

If it's something I do for him how should I go about it, it seems odd to just walk into the bedroom one day and do a total turnabout from my normal sexual behavior, but how does one go about " dominating" somebody?

Start small. Change one thing. If he usually does something one way, and you have always wanted to do it another way, then take charge and have it your way! It does not have to be a big thing.


Good luck to you.

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: A question for those with experience

Start small. Change one thing. If he usually does something one way, and you have always wanted to do it another way, then take charge and have it your way! It does not have to be a big thing.


Good luck to you.

I had the same thoughts as Eb. Though you haven't had the desire to completely dominate and enslave him, surely there are some things that you would change, whims that you have, etc.

Rather than trying to dominate him in ways you think he might possibly enjoy with an unknown comfort level for you, you can concentrate on things that would truly please you, and he has the opportunity to submit to your pleasures. Be it a massage, cooking a specific dinner, preparing a bath for you, "performing" while you sit back and direct - something overtly sexual or not, something that will effect his daily routine in some small way or a momentary whim of yours. So many things can become erotic pleasures simply in serving within the open and acknowledged D/s element. You don't have to become a shrieking banshee ready to squash his balls with six inch heels - subtle dominance is very sexy, especially for one aching for it.

I also thought the idea of instructing him to do something is an excellent one, re: the spanking mentioned by woodcarver. That way he is not doing something too intense for your tastes, and you are in control - it could be something as simple as making him masturbate for you, and seeing what you are moved to do in the moment. Think about the things that would please you and put you in an erotic frame of mind. If you give him small opportunities to please you in new ways, you may find that his arousal really arouses you, and who knows where it will lead - it will be your choice.

 

[Pure]

Mstrskey:
//Should I try to hire him a professional and have the job done right? //

If you hire someone to control him, aren't 'you' in fact controlling him?

Indeed, since the one you hire likely won't get off on it (she'll do it for $$) we have to ask, won't you?

 

[Mstrskey]

EbonyFire and friends...

Eb~ that link was really very informative thanks much for posting it for me.
I appreciate the honest and very helpful answers you and so many others have given me.

By my nature I tend to be a very domineering- I prefer take charge but why quibble over word use- and I'm usually the one taking charge of things in the relationship, household etc. I've always tried very hard not to let that bleed through into the bedroom/sex because I'm always instructing him on what to do everywhere else. I think I didn't want him to feel like I thought he was incompetent or something. It's difficult for me to explain, but I felt like he should have his space and say there if nowhere else. I was truthfully kind of suprised to find out how very into this sort of thing he really is. It doesn't put me off in the least with the exception of pain as an element, but he's not really into that either from what he's told me.

To address Richard it's not that I don't think I can give him what he wants, but rather that I want to make sure I do it right and don't turn it into some wretched porn cliche. From my readings and our discussions it seems to be a life choice worthy of a great deal more respect then that....that and my anal perfectionist nature refuses to allow me to do things half assed and fly by night.

I want to be able to live up to the expectation for him and not devalue the thing that aruoses him by treating it trivially...hence all the questions and resaearch. Like I said...I'm anal!

I experimented a little bit tonight and he seemed to enjoy it. We were sitting on the couch cuddling after the kids had gone to bed and he began to initiate sex. I stopped him and asked him what he was doing to which he quipped " Getting in a quickie while we have some quiet time." I smiled sweetly and told him I thought that would be an excellent idea, he'd been very stressed and it might do him good to blow off a little sexual steam. I stood him up, undressed him and then sat back down on the couch. When he looked at me and asked why I still had my clothes on I told him I had no need to take them off. He looked confused and asked if I was the same woman who had just said a quickie would be a great tension reliever. I simply nodded my head and then told him to sit down. He sat and I explained that I thought I was really worth more then a quickie and when he was ready for that I'd consider stripping but since he felt that a quickie was in order he should just jerk off and get it over with.
He hemmed and hawed, but was still standing at attention so to speak. He even whined a bit so I finally stood up and told him that if he wanted to fuck me he was going to jack off now and get it out of the way so he'd be able to last long enough to make sure I got off later or I was just going to bed and forget the whole thing. I kept my voice even and strong, not pissy, just very matter of fact- this is how it'll be tone.
Well his eyes got wide as dinner plates and he started to do it while I stood there and watched. I kept talking to him the whole time asking him of he couldn't do any better then that, was he shy or was this some naughty thing I wasn't supposed to watch him doing. He never took his eyes off me the whole time standing there fully clothed, face perfectly calm watching him jerk off like mad. I waited until I saw him breathing hard and then turned walked to the stairs and told him he could cum now that I was done watching.
It was all he talked about all night. How hard he was, how turned on he was etc etc.

Think it was a step in the right direction? Not to cliche of a start?
I will admit it was hard as hell not to jump his bones while he did it, but damn it was fun watching him squirm.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I think it was a wonderful middle..as in My opinion..from what you say..you have been in control all along..even..whether you realized it or not..in control in the bedroom by allowing him to dominate there.
The reason I say this is that you have recognized and for the right reasons..encouraged that side of him to give him validation as a man and a human being.
Now you know that he wants to even give up that control. It seems obvious to this outsider that he may be a natural submissive and you are most likely a natural Dominant.
Your even tone and no bullshit manner in the mentioned scene ( yes it was a scene) indicates that you have the ability and the desire.
You have learned how powerful the small stuff is and I would imagine this scene will be on your husbands mind for many weeks or years to come. First scenes are never forgotten.
Baby steps into D/s is the best way to long term passion and growth on both sides.
When you turned and walked away you indicated that you were not dominating for his pleasure but for your own. By doing so you relieved him of any lingering doubts that you were simply satisfying him. This is extremely important for if a submissive thinks that you are pleasing them before yourself they infact do not get any long term joy from the experience.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: EbonyFire and friends...

Think it was a step in the right direction? Not to cliche of a start?
I will admit it was hard as hell not to jump his bones while he did it, but damn it was fun watching him squirm.

You are welcome, but I think all I did was give support and encouragement. All I can say is WOW!

Piggybacking on what Shadowsdream posted earlier, I think that you have a firm handle on things (pun intended).

I really enjoyed reading your scene with your husband. There are Dom/mes who have been in this lifestyle for years who cannot cannot control a sub with such authority.

I think that you will only get better each time you try something new.

Keeping things simple is the key to success, and let's face it, you were pretty damned successful. Don't you thnk so?

Eb

 

[Mstrskey]

thanks again

for all the suuport, encouragement, etc. I guess I may have a knack for this after all.

I think that part of the reason I was able to do what I did was that the trust is already there. No worries about what I might do to him. I think that may be an advantage I have, that he trusts me so much already and that facet of the relationship wouldn't have to be established.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading about it. It was fun to do!

ShadowsDream~
your words of encouragement have been so straightforward and helpful. I can't thank you enough. You're assesment of things seems to be dead on, pretty dang good for an outsider if ya ask me.
As to him being a natural sub, I think you're dead on the money there! It has always been in his nature to please, it's one of the things I adore most about him, how giving he is.
As for me being a natural dominant, I hadn't ever thought of that. Truth is I was a doormat in my youth. Let people walk all over me and then one day I just got sick of it and the confidence, the " swagger" for alck of a better word just seemed to be there. Like it was waiting all along for me to turn it on. I will admit that it didn't feel as forced as I thought it would. I'd thought I would feel like I was acting a part more then I did. It was a pleasant suprise to have it feel natural.

Again, my thanks to A/all of you for your input. I am most grateful.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I hope you will continue to post and let us know how things are progressing.

Eb