A Question: Do you think that people in a D/s relationship communicate better?

[Amora]

than those in a purely vanilla relationshipn?

From what I've seen in response to other question it appears to be a fairly common thing that those with this kind of relationship communicate better and are closer than those in a vanilla relationship, particularly if you are married/living together/boyfriend - girlfriend.

What do you think?

 

[SweetErika]

I said sometimes because I don't know about other couples, and am sure some don't, but I do know we've had more and higher quality communication since we transitioned to D/s. Making the move to poly also increased our communication, so I suspect any non-mainstream relationship style has the potential to improve communication overall.

ETA: I'm guessing that if a couple has (the potential for) good communication in the first place, these styles will improve it, whereas if it's poor from the start, there's more risk of it deteriorating when they become D/s or poly.

 

[Byakuya]

I've actually been thinking about this myself recently. Recently I've started trying to talk my wife into being a little more sexually adventerous. It hasn't always been easy to say things sometimes, but I've been making an effort to say it anyway.

It's interesting because it seems to carry over into other aspects of our lives as well. We don't beat around the bush as much as we used to. In the past, we would drop hints and try to make the other person guess what we're getting at. Now we just come right out and say it. I'm better at it than she is though. She isn't quite as comfortable as I am with being direct yet, but I've seen a lot of progress with her.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I went for sometimes because as much as it is touted to mean we communicate better and more deeply and have deeper relationships, I believe it is more dependent on the people in a relationship than the type relationship. I have always tried to have good comunication with past vanilla partners, and also with some I met in D/s while I was searching for the one I would stay with...but they didn't always want to return the favour, or more often, chose not to listen to that communication and concentrated more on what they wanted to believe or needed. For instance, we often see postings from people who want to enter the lifestyle but are with a vanilla partner who does not...often they refuse to hear the repeated message of 'I am not interested or turned on by your D/s' and keep trying to convince that vanilla partner it is for them....that to me is not listening or refusing to accept the answer until it is what they want to hear. Sometimes the partner will be worn down through attrition, sometimes they will not, but bottom line it is bad communication and happens often. I also see people here who question it when I say how well we know each other which to me tells me they do not share the same depth in their own knowledge of each other in their D/s relationship otherwise they wouldn't see it as unlikely to have that depth of knowledge. I have known vanilla people who know each other just as inside out as F and I do, it is all a matter of how interested in your partner and relationship you are, how well you listen, respect what you hear and communicate back, not your lifestyle choice IMHO.

Catalina

 

[eastern sun]

sometimes

Since my husband and I established a formal D/s relationship our communication has not necessarily gotten better, though it has become "amplified." In other words, situations in which one of us might have simmered in resentment for months tend to erupt more quickly (but then are also resolved more quickly). This has had a positive influence on our communication, even though seen from the outside, we've been a bit more volatile since making the change.

(BTW, we were always volatile. We just waited longer for things to get to the sticking point. We're both more likely now to be clear about our desires/concerns/conflicts, etc., that is when we're able to see them clearly ourselves.)

 

[graceanne]

I think that people in a D/s relationship are just like people in a 'nilla relationship. except kinky. Being in a D/s relationship doesn't make a bad communicator into a bad communicator, anymore than moving from a D/s relationship to a 'nilla relationship makes you a bad communicator. People are people, period, and they all have their strengths and weekness'.

 

[graceanne]

Since my husband and I established a formal D/s relationship our communication has not necessarily gotten better, though it has become "amplified." In other words, situations in which one of us might have simmered in resentment for months tend to erupt more quickly (but then are also resolved more quickly). This has had a positive influence on our communication, even though seen from the outside, we've been a bit more volatile since making the change.

(BTW, we were always volatile. We just waited longer for things to get to the sticking point. We're both more likely now to be clear about our desires/concerns/conflicts, etc., that is when we're able to see them clearly ourselves.)

LOL Me and K are pretty up in your face when we're mad. Always have been. My mom and sister talk about k's temper, but then in the same breath bitch cause when they're SO's are mad they gotta follow them around begging them to find out why they're mad. The way I figure it at least when K's mad I know he is and I know why. We can work from there.

 

[myinnerslut]

i said yes, becuase communication is such a large part of trust and trust is essential in a D/s relationship.

 

[FurryFury]

I said yes because in our relationship I have found it to be so. It simply makes intuitive sense to me in general as well.

Fury

 

[SpectreT]

At the time I began to post this, I'm the sole "other" vote.

The only thing I've seen that makes anyone a good communicator is the act of communicating.

If you're serious about any relationship and want it to work, everybody needs to be on the same page, or at least facing pages. That takes communication, in some form or other.

The big, mystical,mumbo-jumbo about BDSM and communication is a simple one, melodramatically or factually stated below, depending on your own personal flavor:

You're literally putting your life in someone else's hands as a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever. It's important to know that you can trust the person those hands are attached to with all that you are.

Someone else is literally putting their life in your hands as a Dominant/Master/Top/Whatever. It's important for you to set the expectations, and live up to them.

The only way I'm aware of to do either of these things is through communication.

Now, if you'd asked, "Do BDSMers pay more attention than 'Nillas?" (Active Listening, Observation, Etc.), my answer would have been, "The good ones definitely do, the ones who want to be good are learning, and the rest likely aren't reading this."

 

[JMohegan]

I have known vanilla people who know each other just as inside out as F and I do, it is all a matter of how interested in your partner and relationship you are, how well you listen, respect what you hear and communicate back, not your lifestyle choice IMHO.

I think that people in a D/s relationship are just like people in a 'nilla relationship. except kinky. Being in a D/s relationship doesn't make a bad communicator into a bad communicator, anymore than moving from a D/s relationship to a 'nilla relationship makes you a bad communicator. People are people, period, and they all have their strengths and weekness'.

Bullseye, on both counts. And very nicely put.

The explanation is what's relevant, not the vote. But just the for the record I'll note that I voted "no", as in: People in D/s relationships communicate no better or worse than any other flavor of people on the planet.

Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to shift their myopic focus from their own individual experience, get out more, or at the very least pay attention to the bad as well as the good that is written on this board.

Guess what, folks?

We in the lifestyle have our share of people who jump into relationships founded on blind trust or no trust or trust based on something that amounts to no more than pure fantasy.

We in the lifestyle have our share of people who somehow "forget" to tell their partner about another intimate relationship they've got goin' on the side.

We in the lifestyle have our share of people in relationships of convenience and relationships in which the partners are uncommunicative and unhappy.

We in the lifestyle have our share of people who just want to jump in swinging, and people who just want to get their rocks off without a whole hell of a lot of effort.

We in the lifestyle have our share of liars and fools and losers and jerks.

To deny these facts is to focus only on the ideal, and not on the reality of what truly exists.

When it comes to personal relationships, a randomly selected group of kinky people will have the good, the bad, the ugly and the exquisitely beautiful.

A randomly selected group of non-kinky people will have the good, the bad, the ugly and the exquisitely beautiful.

Why? Cause people are people. Just like Graceanne said.

 

[graceanne]

I said yes because in our relationship I have found it to be so. It simply makes intuitive sense to me in general as well.

Fury

I'm not saying it isn't so in some relationships. The reason I voted sometimes is cause sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn't. It really depends on the people involved.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I voted 'other' as well, but largely because of all the reasons JM, Gracie, and Cat stated above. I think that many of us would like to believe we communicate better, but in fact, being in this lifestyle doesn't necessarily make it so. I also think that maybe some of us communicate better about some things, specifically what we want during sex, but that doesn't mean we communicate better about all things. So I don't think it's a yes or no proposition because we're no better or worse than any other flavor in regards to communication.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm not saying it isn't so in some relationships. The reason I voted sometimes is cause sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn't. It really depends on the people involved.

I would have said we were great at communicating before. I still think we were. Now we are better. I believe having to discuss in a D/s or kinked context, limits, fantasies, fears and so on, that we'd not needed to do before, was a huge leap in communication. I find it difficult to believe that other couples wouldn't find this so as well, but, hey, different strokes I guess. *shrugs*

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would have said we were great at communicating before. I still think we were. Now we are better. I believe having to discuss in a D/s or kinked context, limits, fantasies, fears and so on, that we'd not needed to do before, was a huge leap in communication. I find it difficult to believe that other couples wouldn't find this so as well, but, hey, different strokes I guess. *shrugs*

Fury

The reason I didn't find it different in a D/s context is because any vanilla relationship I have been in which was meaningful included talking of fantasies (lol, usually was one of the first things I got into and kept approaching in different ways until they were ready to spill and some were kinked or fetish like ), fears, what they liked in bed, and in general what they did and didn't tolerate and for the most part also went into their politics, religious beliefs, ethics, morals, dreams, history, so D/s really didn't change anything in terms of communication except I found a partner who was expecting this type communication more so than surprised it was brought up as some vanilla's were.

Catalina

 

[Lancecastor]

Did you say something, honey?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm in the sometimes column too.

Kinky people are people. And they run the entire spectrum from glass (being transparent) to brick walls (impenetrable/non-communicative).

A D/s relationship does not force a fundamental communication change on someone, though it may encourage such change. For the most part, however, we will communicate within the D/s relationship like we communicated before we started a D/s relationship. The good ones will get better, the bad ones will go 3 downs and punt.

 

[Kailey_86]

i say sometimes because i am sure there are D/s couples out there who don't communicate. However, it has been my experience that most D/s couples DO communicate better than vanilla couples.

i think this is true because in order for the sub to serve her Dom to the best of her ability she really needs to know Him which takes communication. The Dom will be able to control His sub better if He knows her inside and out. Also, in order for everyone to enjoy a scene, there needs to be communication to make sure that everyone is safe and happy.

 

[Netzach]

I was talking to a sweet boy in NYC the other day, a switch, and we were both remarking on the fact that, in our 3D communities, the average shelf life of a new D/s relationship is about 6 months.

There are exceptions to either side, of course. Some are shorter term, some longer.

I think a lot of people in fact MOST people, are really good at knowing exactly what they should be doing in their relationships and not doing it. Vanilla and D/s. We just have a lot of formalized "shoulds" to ignore soundly.



Cynical, probably, but so it goes.

 

[FurryFury]

The reason I didn't find it different in a D/s context is because any vanilla relationship I have been in which was meaningful included talking of fantasies (lol, usually was one of the first things I got into and kept approaching in different ways until they were ready to spill and some were kinked or fetish like ), fears, what they liked in bed, and in general what they did and didn't tolerate and for the most part also went into their politics, religious beliefs, ethics, morals, dreams, history, so D/s really didn't change anything in terms of communication except I found a partner who was expecting this type communication more so than surprised it was brought up as some vanilla's were.

Catalina

We talked about most of that but not in a D/s or kinked context. Certain fantasies I've said little about in the past other than that they seemed shameful, were full of "bad things" like humiliation and so on. I couldn't bring myself to say what the details were except in broad strokes. I was very scared of myself, my "wrong" desires. I was wishing I were "normal" and instead had fantasies of the sort you see in sappy movies. Most of our previously discussed sexual limits we went past years and years ago. That was exciting, sometimes scary and fun to do so.

Fury

 

[liberatedslave]

I voted sometimes because I don't think D/s couples are any better or worse on average than vanilla people.

Having said that, I think that communication is possibly more important on some levels with D/s.

So far as the emotional side of a D/s relationship goes, I think there's as much room for error as with nilla couples. The distinction I would make is in the physical practising of D/s, where there is a risk of injury or even fatality if people misinterpret each other.

I'm probably not being clear and I may get flamed. I know that some nilla couples communicate with fists and that risk of injury isn't exclusively a BDSM problem but I'd say that, especially as you become established in your trust as a couple and start pushing limits further, it's imperative that communication remains as open as you can keep it. As a sub I somtimes hesitate to speak up or allow Sir to push me a little further than perhaps I should but he would never punish me for honest and necessary communication.

On an emotional level although power is relinquished and received, for both (or however many) to remain happy in their chosen roles communication has to be maintained and I think that it should be kept in a separate 'box' in the relationship, a treasured and sacrosanct place that runs parallel to the D/s dynamic but allows for total freedom of speech, within the bounds of respect and obedience.

Oh dammit, I'm rambling now...

 

[culloden]

Sure, D/s people communicate more. Such frowned-upon fun isn't a thing most of us bring up with others, present company excepted. Certainly my wife and I don't debate the feel of hemp rope v. nylon at Thanksgiving dinner. It isolates the participants from others, and tends to foster a closenss between them. Kind of like being a character in a Peter Weir movie.

 

[darkangel85]

I say yes because you have to know alot more about the other person and more trust is needed because at the end of the day sometimes its trusting someone with your life more, I knwo that in my relationship now i ave loads more communication than my others we are in a 24/7 D/s the onlything i dont control is his work which to me seems fair enough. But yes i think there is more communication involved because there is alot more to it than oh ll see you next week or tomorrow etc..

 

[SweetErika]

I say yes because you have to know alot more about the other person and more trust is needed because at the end of the day sometimes its trusting someone with your life more, I knwo that in my relationship now i ave loads more communication than my others we are in a 24/7 D/s the onlything i dont control is his work which to me seems fair enough. But yes i think there is more communication involved because there is alot more to it than oh ll see you next week or tomorrow etc..

Maybe in a dating situation, but there's a hell of a lot more to my marriage than that. We didn't have to improve trust to transition to D/s; we just started working with what we already had, which was all built with excellent communication, time, respect and love in a vanilla marriage. We have more to talk about now and recognizing his submissiveness has allowed my husband to open up, but we're the same people with the same skills as we were before we decided on this dynamic.

 

[darkangel85]

Maybe in a dating situation, but there's a hell of a lot more to my marriage than that. We didn't have to improve trust to transition to D/s; we just started working with what we already had, which was all built with excellent communication, time, respect and love in a vanilla marriage. We have more to talk about now and recognizing his submissiveness has allowed my husband to open up, but we're the same people with the same skills as we were before we decided on this dynamic.

My comment was from a purly none marrage point of view in that instance i wouldhnt have imagined that there wouldnt be a closer communication than normal i just still think that couples married or not would communicate that extra bit in pur lifestyle eek i hope you knew what i ment lol ..