A question about meeting someone from bondage.com

[lilminx]

I think I mentioned here a month or so ago that I had an ad up in bondage.com. I really haven't had much luck with it, as most of the men who contacted me were either married, too far away, older than I'd like, had different interests than I did, not looking for a relationship or were just plain unattractive to me.

Well, along comes a man who is very Dominant and seems to be compatible with me, sexually and relationship-wise. He contacted me and told me to reply to his regualr e-mail address with a picture. Well, I was very respectful towards him- I told him more about me, but I made it clear that I would not give him a picture without seeing one of him first. It's a policy I had made with myself since I have started online dating.

He replied by telling me that I seem to have great potential as a submissive, but that I have a lot to learn. I know this already, but then he proceeds to tell me that I'm showing disrespect and lack of trust by my reluctance to send him a picture, and that I shouldn't be questioning his integrity.

Well, my problem with it is this: I feel that I shouldn't trust so easily, that THAT would be foolish of me. Did I make a major faux pas by not wanting to give him my pic, or am I right in feeling this way? I started to write back to him, but before I sent it, I decided to get opinions here, since many of the people in this forum are so knowledgable. This was the response I typed out but haven't sent:

You talk about trust. I don't know You- You are a stranger to me, and for me to so easily trust you would be foolish. I have no idea what you look like, and until i find out, i will not be giving you a picture of me. That is one thing i stand by in terms of meeting someone online.

I know i have a lot to learn when entering a relationship such as this, but one thing i have learned already is not to trust so easily . You can tell me all You want about how You are a professional and how You are experienced, but trust has to be earned- it's not prized as much if it's just given so easily. I wish that You would try to at least understand my situation- for You not to, and to expect me to so easily trust a stranger is just as foolish.

What should I do? Is this response ok, or am I wrong?

 

[SexySusan]

Hello lilminx,

I say you are totally right about trust having to be gained. How long have you known this man? If he has any experience at all in the internet, he should know there are many many many people out there who are not what they seem. I would never just expect to be trusted right from the start. I think you showed a lot of trust by writing about yourself already.
I do think, though, that the same applies to him, as well. I wouldn't ask for his picture so explicitely.
Maybe for him, sending a picture isn't so big a deal. Then I would explain why it is so difficult for me and why sending a picture requires so much trust.

That's my two cents, for what's it's worth ...

Susan

 

[lilminx]

Thanks for responding so quickly, Susan.

I'm glad that I'm not totally wrong on this. He sent me the e-mail 2 days ago- that's it. It's not like we have been e-mailing back and forth for a week and then he demanded my picture, he wanted it in my first reply to him. I understand what you're saying about the same applying to him, but I meant that I would send my picture immediately upon receipt of his. I wouldn't expect a picture so quickly in the first place, but he demanded it of me.

So what you're saying is that what I wrote is ok, but I should explain why I'm reluctant to send a picture to him?


I'm going to hold off sending this to him, hoping for more replies to this. I appreciate your opinion, Susan.

 

[SexyChele]

Hey lilminx - you are dead on. I also have an ad at bondage.com, and so far I've been lucky - I've already met what appears to be a good match. But enough about that.

You are not asking for anything that is out of line. You do not know this man, therefore you do not owe him your submission. You do not need to "prove" your tendency to be submissive to him. He needs to show his desire to build your trust by sharing a simple request you have made that would be expected from anyone meeting some one online.

Quite frankly, at this stage, I would probably discontinue contact with this man. If he is acting like this online, what will he be like in person? You are being very generous and kind. I would probably write back stating that I do not see a need to continue corresponding. But then, you might see other things in him that I do not.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. Follow your instincts - it looks as though you are doing pretty well with that.

 

[MzChrista]

You cant trust some fucko because he can spell D-O-M, its only 3 damn letters. You done tha right thing so far, and your letter is right on the bean. If he cant be cool with your worry about sending a pic first, do you think he will be cool when you say NO to whatever he wants to do if you hook up?
Naw, you didnt make no faux pas, you are just being careful in the way he ought to expect if hes not a bullshit artist.
I know it aint easy to meet and you can get discouraged. but you got to stay safe, and seems like you got the right instincts so trust THEM.

 

[lilminx]

*Whew! I'm glad I didn't make a faux pas. Thanks, ladies, for your input on this. Being relatively inexperienced, it's great to know that I can always come here for advice.

I think I will send my e-mail off, maybe adding that if he hadn't demanded it in the first e-mail to me, and if he had waited a little bit and gotten to know me first, then I wouldn't have been so reluctant to give my picture. If he still says I'm being disrespectful, fuck 'im.

Oh, and SexyChele, congrats on finding a match! I'm finding that it's harder than I thought to find what I want. I guess my standards might be a little high, but I really am sick of settling.

MizChrista, your av is adorable.

 

[WriterDom]

Just because he's Dom doesn't give him special rights over you or any other submissive.

"You've got a lot to learn"

That might be true, but he just gave you a lesson on Wannabe Doms. I'd trust your instincts on this guy and break off all contact.

 

[MzChrista]

Just because he's Dom doesn't give him special rights over you or any other submissive.

"You've got a lot to learn"

That might be true, but he just gave you a lesson on Wannabe Doms. I'd trust your instincts on this guy and break off all contact.

Ha. You nailed it dude.

 

[BBD]

That pretty much covers it from my perspective...

 

[Ebonyfire]

I agree

You do not owe him anythin gother than common courtesy. As averyone says, when someone tries to rush you into doing something you feel goes against your code of conduct, then you should protect yourself. Your instincts are trying to tell you something. Good for you for sticking to your guns! A quality Dom will not rush you.

Ebony

 

[MissTaken]

Good for you, minxie!


If someone believes that I owe them anything remotely resembling submission just by nature of "titles", well , screw them!

D/s IS built on trust and mutual attraction, mutual likes/dislikes, and communication among many other things.

When a Dom tries to push the issue, follow your gut.

hugs to you

 

[Lancecastor]

Black & White

Another view:

Your response was solid and righteous.

But the folks who say "cut off all contact" are being too stiff...you're online, after all....this person cant harm you unless you let him.

Why not politely step him back a bit, but maintain the interest, and grow the rapport?

What have you got to lose?

I think people are too too b&w about D/s protocol stuff on Lit...it's too kneejerk sometimes, I think.

Prod the guy a bit...dance with him! See where it goes.

If he's still a knob you can dump him next week just as readily.

Just a thought;
LC

 

[MzChrista]

Its not got a thing to do with ds protocol. I couldnt give a rats ass for that stuff myself.
Its simple common sense. A guy thinks he can be pushy about getting a pic from someone online is a guy gonna be a dickhead about other things too.

 

[Lancecastor]

Pic, shmick.

Its not got a thing to do with ds protocol. I couldnt give a rats ass for that stuff myself.
Its simple common sense. A guy thinks he can be pushy about getting a pic from someone online is a guy gonna be a dickhead about other things too.

My comments were with reference to the "break all contact now" reactions...which is the same thing the doms here typically suggest to the submissives here whenever a male dom from elsewhere (allegedly) "demands" something.

I've seen it here before, for years. It's typical, standard D/s advice on Lit. I am of the opinion it's stale, linear and unimaginative...and that there are alternatives.

Yes, someone who asks for much and gives little is cause for waryness.

But asking for pics quickly is not the end of the world....it happens all the time, in all directions on all kinds of boards.

It's not all so very b&w.

C'est tout
LC

 

[Jonnyray]

What is d/s if not the ultimate in trust? Having some tendencies of both, I say you got to have trust or why bother. Especially when technology's viel anonymity can protect any wacko in the world. I'd tell him to f-off, Lilminx. Isn't one of the basic points of being sub is the comfort it envokes?

 

[WriterDom]

My comments were with reference to the "break all contact now" reactions...which is the same thing the doms here typically suggest to the submissives here whenever a male dom from elsewhere (allegedly) "demands" something.

I've seen it here before, for years. It's typical, standard D/s advice on Lit. I am of the opinion it's stale, linear and unimaginative...and that there are alternatives.

That's interesting. Because I've been here for years and from day one of the bdsm thread I don't recall ever telling a sub to break all contact or seeing anyone else do it.

She didn't say she wouldn't send a pic. She said she wanted one first. That isn't an unreasonable request to me. It's a big enough red flag in my mind to move along.

 

[Lancecastor]

Hmmmm....

That's interesting. Because I've been here for years and from day one of the bdsm thread I don't recall ever telling a sub to break all contact or seeing anyone else do it.

She didn't say she wouldn't send a pic. She said she wanted one first. That isn't an unreasonable request to me. It's a big enough red flag in my mind to move along.

Hmmmm.. I guess I misread the posts then.

Never mind!
Lance

 

[Lancecastor]

Dazed & Confused, Inc.

WD Quote 1. "That might be true, but he just gave you a lesson on Wannabe Doms. I'd trust your instincts on this guy and break off all contact."


WD Quote 2. "That's interesting. Because I've been here for years and from day one of the bdsm thread I don't recall ever telling a sub to break all contact or seeing anyone else do it. "

My apologies for my confusion.

We now return to regular programming.


LC

 

[Aussie Worm]

If you feel you must meet someone in RL that you have met online, do it in a public place, somewhere you feel comfortable and probably in the middle of the day. Meet them in a public place for a few times until you feel comfortable in letting them in to the saftey of your home.

If they are the right person for you, they will understand.

 

[lilminx]

Whoa- I was gone for a few hours, and really didn't expect to get many more repsonses. Well, thank you for all of the advice ,everyone. I really don't think I'm going to hear back from him after the e-mail I sent him. It will probably piss him off to no end that I didn't bend to his will right from the start, and if that's the way he feels, well, then I'm better off.

In a way, I can understand Lancecastor's thinking. Sometimes people will get away with as much as others allow them to get away with (I know that I'm like that), and he could have been testing to see how easy I would be. Who knows? I can't second-guess him.

 

[joi]

lilminx's reactions

Wow....i'm so glad you were hesitant to send a pic! From my own miserable experience, i sent off a pic in a mirc chat and low and behold, it turned up on a web site! (fortunately, it was a MA rated, somewhat "fuzzy" but not an XXX one!)

The advice given is on the money! Go slow and then slower still before giving up your trust....afterall, submission is a gift to be cherished! (OKAY, now THAT came from the "Peanut Gallery" looking over my shoulder who demanded that i share my stupidity in sending my pic with everybody!)

 

[Lancecastor]

Exactly.....

In a way, I can understand Lancecastor's thinking. Sometimes people will get away with as much as others allow them to get away with (I know that I'm like that), and he could have been testing to see how easy I would be. Who knows? I can't second-guess him.

....the point I wished to make.

There have been SO many times IRL and especially online that someone has gotten off on the wrong foot with me....or me with them.....and it turned out later that if there had been just a little more flexibility...compromise....conversation.....attempt to understand...to look past the kneejerk conventional wisdom.......that I find it increasingly short-sighted to take things by first impressions or the "norm".

Instead, I try to assess the relative risks, and be as open as I can be without getting jerked around...and sometimes, as a result, expereience little nuggets of new perspectives, joy, knowledge, etc.

People role-play IRL and online at first....adhere to conventions....not just in BDSM.....everywhere.

I really think people need to dance longer than they do sometimes before they fill or strike people on their cards.

Have fun;
Lance

 

[cellis]

lilminx, I have to tell you that those were my rules as well.

If a Dom could not send me a photo of themselves, then that was it.

First of all I do not judge what someone looks like from the outside, but it is a little test I have. If the person has nothing to hide, then they generally have no problem sending a photo.

I found that some Dom's just get down right pissy about sending a photo... and that's it as far as I am concerned.

So I really think that you have done the right thing and I love the letter... trust is something that is earned and just like my submission it is never given lightly.

 

[James Blandings]

Re: Exactly.....

....the point I wished to make.

There have been SO many times IRL and especially online that someone has gotten off on the wrong foot with me....or me with them.....and it turned out later that if there had been just a little more flexibility...compromise....conversation.....attempt to understand...to look past the kneejerk conventional wisdom.......that I find it increasingly short-sighted to take things by first impressions or the "norm".

Instead, I try to assess the relative risks, and be as open as I can be without getting jerked around...and sometimes, as a result, expereience little nuggets of new perspectives, joy, knowledge, etc.

People role-play IRL and online at first....adhere to conventions....not just in BDSM.....everywhere.

I really think people need to dance longer than they do sometimes before they fill or strike people on their cards.

Have fun;
Lance

I understand and respect your opinion on this , Lancecastor, but I think it's worth pointing out that to a submissive female the "relative risks" are probably much greater than they are for a dominant man, and for that reason, I would not second guess any woman who maintains a very low rejection threshold when meeting anyone online.

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Re: Exactly.....

I understand and respect your opinion on this , Lancecastor, but I think it's worth pointing out that to a submissive female the "relative risks" are probably much greater than they are for a dominant man, and for that reason, I would not second guess any woman who maintains a very low rejection threshold when meeting anyone online.

Yes, agreed that relative risks are indeed.....relative....and to be assessed by any self-aware individual on a case-by-case basis.

Lance