A 'Nilla Guy - What To Do?

[SexyChele]

Okay, I'm posting this here because I think more people here can either relate to this or can give me some pointers. If you can - great!

I've met a man who I really like. He seems to like me as much as I do him. He is older than I, but I suspect I have a more varied sexual history than he does. As far as I can tell, he is neither Dominant nor submissive, though he will do whatever I suggest or ask to please me. A real sweetie, huh? I agree. Okay, on with the dilemma....

This past weekend we were cuddling after having sex, and he gently swatted my ass. Nothing harsh, hard, or painful. It was almost tentative. Of course, I wanted more and harder. So I teasingly asked him what I would have to do to get more swats. He said he I didn't have to do anything, he would give them gladly. He swatted me a few more times, always gently.

As I was getting ready to leave, he swatted my ass with a little more intensity and said, "I look forward to exploring that." Now, I'm ready to bring along my floggers and slappers the next time we are together, or suggesting him using his belt, but I really am fearful he would freak. I think he would be open to toys and such, but I also think it is something to break in gradually. And even though I am sexually submissive, I have no trouble asking for what I want or discussing things I would be interested in trying.

One thing I did notice is that he seems to have difficulty expressing what he wants sexually. For example, I asked him what his favorite fantasy was, and though he did answer me, it took a little bit. It seemed he was "testing" me. (He has fantasies of meeting a "stranger" and grabbing a motel room for hot sex - something I fully intend on surprising him with!) So, I'm not certain how comfortable he would be in telling me what he truly wants to try.

So, my questions. How does one gradually "break" in a man to spanking? I know most men harbor fantasies of spanking anyway, but how does one get a man to feel comfortable enough to actually give into the fantasy? Has anyone ever "initiated" a 'nilla man into using toys? I know my own tolerance levels, so I would know when to stop, but how do I convince him that he isn't going to hurt me if he uses that leather slapper I have?

Also, anyone have any ideas about how to introduce a 'nilla man to restraints? I'm not talking about serious stuff here, maybe just having my hands tied behind my back. I know there will probably come a time when I can fully discuss these things outright with him, but I'm wondering how long that takes without a guy thinking a woman is truly strange.

And, of course, my JT'S Stockroom catalogue just had to arrive this weekend! Gave me all kinds of great ideas - now I just have to find out a way to live them out!

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hey hey hey...a perfect place for me to post!

I would say that many men, especially older men, have been conditioned to be uncomfortable about 'kinky' sex. Plus, they may tend to see women as being delicate, or that only 'whores' and 'sluts'(in the negative) enjoy that sort of activity. Personally, I can be convinced of anything while getting a blowjob. Maybe, be gentle with him, then ask him to spank you, and get more into it, the harder he spanks you. He'll likely get the picture, and once he sees taht a good spanking does you good, and makes you do him good, he'll be more open to exploring toys.

 

[sweetnpetite]

sounds like he's all for it, probably doesn't want to scare *you* off or have *you* think he's a pervert. Bring some magazines, so you can discuss what's going on and see what he's comfortable and uncomfortable with. My guy is totaly dom, but never really admits that *he* likes anything, he always says that *I* like it, which of course is true. So even if he won't come right out and say that he loves being Dom, go by his actions. Sounds like you've got a good start.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well

You know Chele I date vanilla, and I find that the direct route works for me. But I do not talk about these things in bed, but when we are fully dressed. It is less threatening.

I have found that my men are always a lot kinkier than they appear, they just do not what to be rejected for their kink.

I find talking at dinner or over drinks a perfect way to break the ice about kink, and it makes great foreplay!

 

[entitled]

Have you tried coming at it in a teasing way? What first got my husband and i started into some of the 'heavier' (things are still very 'light' compared to a lot of people) things that we do was actually a wrestling match. We started out joking around about something and taking a few playful swings at each other and ended up with me tied spread-eagle between the barn stalls and strung up from the rafters. *laughs* i'm just glad nobody else was around at the time. We never would have lived it down.

 

[redelicious]

And, of course, my JT'S Stockroom catalogue just had to arrive this weekend! Gave me all kinds of great ideas - now I just have to find out a way to live them out!

It's not the direct approach, but you could always leave the catalogue around where he would notice it...or tell him you're not sure how you got on the mailing list and look at it with him.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Well

You know Chele I date vanilla, and I find that the direct route works for me. But I do not talk about these things in bed, but when we are fully dressed. It is less threatening.

I have found that my men are always a lot kinkier than they appear, they just do not what to be rejected for their kink.

I find talking at dinner or over drinks a perfect way to break the ice about kink, and it makes great foreplay!

Definately away from the sex moments...where he does NOT feel he must immediately perform. Use humour and show your vulnerability in the softness of your eyes.
Be open and honest, playful and serious..don't do the third degree but expose your own sexuality with punctuations of delving into his.
If he follows your lead read between the lines as much as you read his body language.
It does sounds as though he is cautiously trying to get his desires through to you without facing rejection.

 

[sweetnpetite]

another thing that's maybe a little tricky you could try-

tell him what you like, but sorta act like your kind of embarased -- and give him a chance to reasure you that he doesn't think your a sicko (reverse phychology) THen he trys it with you to show how openminded he is and is able to admit that he too enjoys it but instead of being a pervert, this now makes him a gentleman

 

[pierced_boy]

Direct is best

You could try discussing it with him then with his agreement demonstrate things that you like but on him. That is tie him and discuss how he feels, use some of your toys on him and discuss how you feel in the position he is in (then) . We did this ands it is very hot way to explore. We did not play very intense then and kept it very arousing (no sub space trips in this ).

Just a thought Chele

H

 

[FungiUg]

Sounds like you've met a cool guy!

Just take it slowly... explore spanking with hands more, then try asking him for he belt, then maybe some light bondage (silk scarves and so on), add some toys...

I'm sure you get the drift. Don't throw everything at him at once, because you may scare him off!

Another hint... dig out your favourite sexy BDSM stories, and get him to read them. Have a discussion over the content.

And get the communication flowing. That's the real trick, and sex is no exclusion from communication.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I see you have plenty of suggestions and all of them good ones.

I just popped in to say Hello to you, Chele. Been a long time. Hope all is well with you.

 

[Pure]

I agree with Mayberry; just lead him down the slippery, kinky slope, gradually, indicating you're being 'turned on.' I'd skip the BDSM magazine idea for now, as well as the unsubtle hints such as bringing out St. Andrew's Cross in 2x4s, and the
15 ft bull whip.

Every guy loves to turn someone on and make her thrash in orgasm, but not necessarily does he want an itemized procedure list, or an indication of a preset routine that's part of a 'lifestyle.'
The 'why's will become clear as he sees what you react to. If he declines to follow the obvious sign posts, then re-consider.

Rent the video "9 1/2 weeks" or maybe (haven't seen it) "Secretary" which just came out.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I can only speak for myself, but once he saw what happened to me when I was spanked....well....wet puddle of begging submissive. Could it be that slippery slope they were talking about? *smirk*

I was thinking about the restraints thing. Why not just put your hands behind your back crossed at the wrists with no restraints at all. He may just take the hint and grab them, giving you something to talk about later....why it feels so special to you...

Just a few thoughts. Good luck, Chele

~Anelize

 

[SexyChele]

My apologies for not responding sooner - getting back from vacation and having to "catch up" can be a bear sometimes!

But I am overwhelmed by the responses! Thank you to one and all! Y'all have given me some great ideas to think on and I do appreciate that. I do think this situation will have to entail a combination of slow initiation in the bedroom, and communication outside of it.

Strange how I have no problem being playful and flirty with guys I really don't care about, and now find myself choking a bit with this one. Ah well, life always throws us a curve now and again!

Thank you, everyone!

 

[psiberzerker]

Take it slow, and savour it. Even if you're not woried about turning him off, or overstimulating him, I encourage people taking on newbies to start lighter than light, build slower than slow. If nothing else, you'll get better milage that way. I've seen all too many people get jaded, and burned out because they went from male dominant missonary with occasional bouts of her on top for variety to whips clips and heated hemostats inside a matter of months.
There's no hurry, and anticipation is the most powerfull aphrodisiac. And that's my two scents.

 

[sweetnpetite]

oops