A little help with explaining...

[Kitte]

While discussing relationship issues with a dear friend, I kept skirting the issue of BDSM and finally felt that for her to understand where I was coming from she had to know... I have always been very open with her and I felt that she may not understand but at least she would accept.... I was very wrong. Her response to me was as follows.

"doesnt make it right! I am not sayign this because I am a christian, ok? I am saying this as any normal person, that kind of relationship isn't healthy!"

"I didn't say it was WRONG I just said it wasnt right.. because that means theres some underlying psychological problems that need to be taken care of"

I am really at a loss at how to explain to her. I know it is none of her business but she is one of my dearest friends and this is becoming a barrier between us, I know now I should have kept my mouth shut, but hind sight is always 20/20. any ideas on how to help her at least understand a little?

 

[Ebonyfire]

While discussing relationship issues with a dear friend, I kept skirting the issue of BDSM and finally felt that for her to understand where I was coming from she had to know... I have always been very open with her and I felt that she may not understand but at least she would accept.... I was very wrong. Her response to me was as follows.

"doesnt make it right! I am not sayign this because I am a christian, ok? I am saying this as any normal person, that kind of relationship isn't healthy!"

"I didn't say it was WRONG I just said it wasnt right.. because that means theres some underlying psychological problems that need to be taken care of"

I am really at a loss at how to explain to her. I know it is none of her business but she is one of my dearest friends and this is becoming a barrier between us, I know now I should have kept my mouth shut, but hind sight is always 20/20. any ideas on how to help her at least understand a little?

I have never been good at this kind of stuff. My inclination has always been to drop it, and never talk about my personal life with that particular person again.

I find that when you are put in the position of justifying yourself to someone else you give them power they are not entitled to.

Maybe there are others who have another point of view.

Ebony

 

[artful]

While discussing relationship issues with a dear friend, I kept skirting the issue of BDSM and finally felt that for her to understand where I was coming from she had to know... I have always been very open with her and I felt that she may not understand but at least she would accept.... I was very wrong. Her response to me was as follows.

"doesnt make it right! I am not sayign this because I am a christian, ok? I am saying this as any normal person, that kind of relationship isn't healthy!"

"I didn't say it was WRONG I just said it wasnt right.. because that means theres some underlying psychological problems that need to be taken care of"

I am really at a loss at how to explain to her. I know it is none of her business but she is one of my dearest friends and this is becoming a barrier between us, I know now I should have kept my mouth shut, but hind sight is always 20/20. any ideas on how to help her at least understand a little?

A serious response from me,...and not meaning to be disrespectful toward your friend. There is little one can do in trying to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE,...who has a *CLOSED* mind on the subject.

IF,...you wait,...and she comes to YOU,...asking questions,...there MIGHT be an opportubity in explaining. Even THIS is no guarantee of success.

For she will STILL probably have a closed mind on the subject. Words alone will not make much difference,...but time and patience,...allowing her ~little peeks~ into WHO you really are,...*MIGHT* be a way.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[Lancecastor]

Leave a book on the subject in your bathroom.

If she's that outwardly resistant.....she's probably moist about it right now.



Lance

While discussing relationship issues with a dear friend, I kept skirting the issue of BDSM and finally felt that for her to understand where I was coming from she had to know... I have always been very open with her and I felt that she may not understand but at least she would accept.... I was very wrong. Her response to me was as follows.

"doesnt make it right! I am not sayign this because I am a christian, ok? I am saying this as any normal person, that kind of relationship isn't healthy!"

"I didn't say it was WRONG I just said it wasnt right.. because that means theres some underlying psychological problems that need to be taken care of"

I am really at a loss at how to explain to her. I know it is none of her business but she is one of my dearest friends and this is becoming a barrier between us, I know now I should have kept my mouth shut, but hind sight is always 20/20. any ideas on how to help her at least understand a little?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I agree with both Ebony and Art here. Also you might try asking her if knowing this about you changes who you are to her in any way. Make her think about you as her friend and realize that you aren't some weirdo off the street, but someone she's supposed to know and care about. That might help open her mind to the possibility (to her) that your wants and desires are just as valid as hers.

Just my thought. Good luck.

dixi

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: A little help with explaining...

A serious response from me,...and not meaning to be disrespectful toward your friend. There is little one can do in trying to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE,...who has a *CLOSED* mind on the subject.

IF,...you wait,...and she comes to YOU,...asking questions,...there MIGHT be an opportubity in explaining. Even THIS is no guarantee of success.

For she will STILL probably have a closed mind on the subject. Words alone will not make much difference,...but time and patience,...allowing her ~little peeks~ into WHO you really are,...*MIGHT* be a way.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

This has been my experience. My friends who have the closed minds, periodically ask questions. The longer they see me upright, walking around unscathed and apparently mentally sound, the less concerned they appear to be. I don't discuss it unless they ask and I keep my answers fairly short. They don't cope well with details.

 

[MzChrista]

Well maybe nothiong you can say will change her view. But you might want to point out to her the degrees of things, like how many people like to be held down for sex, or like a little slap on the ass or whatever and ask her where the line would be drawn. maybe that will start her thinking.

 

[Kitte]

Thank you all for your replies. The thing she can not seem to wrap her head around is that he has not brain washed me into accepting physical abuse for his sick pleasure. If she only knew, and I have tried to explain, that this pleasure began before him he was just open and loving enough to help take me to places that before him were only a dream.

She does not understand that it is not everything in our relationship, I am not his slave (in the negative connotation) I maintain free will. I have limits, some soft that he pushes, some hard that he wont go near. He is respectful and loving and nurturing. She can not see that problems we have outside the bedroom may affect in the bedroom but that for us the bedroom (or the arena of choice for the day) does not affect out side that, well not in the way she perceives.

This all stems from a small fight we had where I thought he was being childish and we hadnt quite worked it all out and I allowed it to keep me from letting go when we went to the bedroom. We discussed it at length and realized we had made a mistake in not fully working things out before moving venues. (When time is limited we sort of let anticipation get in the way) but I am rambling.

I guess nothing will make her understand that he has not brain washed me into an abusive relationship. The funny thing, to me anyways, is I got 2 new roomates who were casual friends before they moved in and I felt the need to somewhat explain before they moved in, because I refuse to give up being myself in my own home, their response was one of curiousity and trying to understand. I have actually referred them to lurk over here a little to get a grasp on some things I dont quite grasp myself. The fact that I can live openly with them has strengthend our friendship to a very family feel within our joint home. Where we all feel free to express and discuss our sexuality. Why is it people who were relative strangers can be for me what a long time friend can not.

It makes me sad.

 

[A Desert Rose]

. Why is it people who were relative strangers can be for me what a long time friend can not.

It makes me sad.

I am sure it does make you sad.

Objectivity is the reason strangers can sometimes be more helpful than those who are close to us. Strangers can stand back and see the whole enchilada. Those close to us are wrapped inside it.

Rose

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Kitte, I think Rose has hit it on the head there. Your long time friend can't accept this out of some sense of trying to protect you. A want to keep you safe from harm, type thing. Yes its frustrating for you. I do think that by living your life and her seeing that you are ok both physically and emotionally, that need to protect you will fade.

Just my thoughts.

dixi

 

[monster666]

Actually, any pastor worth a grain of salt will tell her that the type of sex that goes on in the bedroom is not nearly as important as the bond between the participants. I know your friend is trying not to be judgemental, but I hear a lot of right/wrong words coming across, and these are often steeped in old paradigms derived from a restrictive perception of a religion.

This is a job for TODD-O-VISION, he might be able to help you help her understand that BDSM itself is not wrong or sick, and fits well within acceptable christian bedroom play. He's a very open minded bible-banger type, and I think could provide some interesting input.

Once the fear of hell is removed from a thing, it often becomes a lot more palatable, and even curious. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At this point, there doesn't seem to be a downside to the pursuit of such an angle.

While discussing relationship issues with a dear friend, I kept skirting the issue of BDSM and finally felt that for her to understand where I was coming from she had to know... I have always been very open with her and I felt that she may not understand but at least she would accept.... I was very wrong. Her response to me was as follows.

"doesnt make it right! I am not sayign this because I am a christian, ok? I am saying this as any normal person, that kind of relationship isn't healthy!"

"I didn't say it was WRONG I just said it wasnt right.. because that means theres some underlying psychological problems that need to be taken care of"

I am really at a loss at how to explain to her. I know it is none of her business but she is one of my dearest friends and this is becoming a barrier between us, I know now I should have kept my mouth shut, but hind sight is always 20/20. any ideas on how to help her at least understand a little?

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am sure it does make you sad.

Objectivity is the reason strangers can sometimes be more helpful than those who are close to us. Strangers can stand back and see the whole enchilada. Those close to us are wrapped inside it.

Rose

Objectivity is difficult for those in O/our lives if they have a preconception of who you are or should be as it reflects on their own needs. Friends and family often need you to live up to some fantasy they have of who you really are.

Many people also see BDSM as the x-rated fantasy horrors that permeate the web. If that is the vision here it will remain until another vision is shown as a possibility.

Sometimes it is best to stop the conversation until your friend brings it up and then refer the friend to material at Castlerealm.

Sexuallity is a private issue that many people do NOT want to hear..once they have been told about it they can almost feel like a participant. Strange but often true.